The Unemployed Truth

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Remember the darling Holly Golightly?

The real phoney of New York City that took herself to Tiffany’s window display anytime she had a “red day?”

I’ve been having my fair share of red days lately and I’m not really into believing a jewelry store will fix any of it. Maybe if I were there to successfully rob the place and head to Mexico…

Maybe then I’d be more inclined to visit the place.

No sparkling display is going to snap me out of the reality that I’m broke, jobless and in another slew of panic attacked mornings. When you can’t make rent and or cellphone payment your brain becomes a calculator of eternity. No matter what opportunities you uncover that little black cloud follows reminding you of the obvious.

You’re broke and bills are piling up, now what are you doing about it?

Unfortunately sending out over 70 resumes doesn’t quite put my mind at ease. I know I’m supposed to be patient but when you can’t leave your house because the grocery store doesn’t except I.O.U’s it’s a weight I can’t explain.

Although, through it all I won’t give up, because deep down, there is always foresight. There is always this vision that plays out if I just keep going. I’ve read about the persistence, the passion, and the patience it’s taken many other successful people to get to where they stand now.

It’s still fucking hard and anyone that tells you different is sniffing glue.

Being unemployed is a funny activity to take part in everyday, you do some weird shit when you’ve got nothing else to do. I get up usually with the hope that I’ll have a reply to the thousands of jobs I’ve applied to. Once the reality that no one gives a fuck about my ability to curate visuals sets in I then take to my couch.

There a lot of things you do when unemployed.

1. Attempt to make your resume “stand out” against the masses of other unemployed creatives. Maybe put in bold at the top MAGIC MONKEY NUTS to get their attention.

2. Creep the shit out of every company and it’s top employees on LinkedIn. If you’re really good you find them on Facebook with a recent Saturday night photo of them drunkenly pole dancing at the Hideout on Queen street.

Screen shot it and if things get real bad use it as leverage, it’s a dog eat dog world out there.

3. Update your website of any new and obviously pro bono work you’ve done.
I wonder if lawyers ever stage court hearings in their living room with other unemployed lawyers and judges like photographers and Stylist do?

4. Walk over to your fridge for the 100th time to make sure your food hasn’t moved places and that mouldy thing in a Tupperware container is still in fact really gross.

5. Have every job searching platform open on your computer and strongly debate applying to bottle girl jobs at night clubs with names like “TRA$E” or “Liquid night club”. Only because you know you’d make your rent, bills, and a possible vacation in one night of putting up with a sea of douche bags revved on G and Patron.

6. Call your parents and tell them casually that your landlord is coming to shoot out your knee caps so you won’t be joining them for Sunday dinner. Immediately following you check your bank account to see if they fell for your pitiful cry for help.

They didn’t because you’re an “adult” now.

7. While checking your almost empty bank account you see a glimmer of hope in the form of a government deposit of 60 dollars. You then hit the grocery store and wine wrack as you haven’t actually been outside in two days.

8. Go home and tell yourself you won’t open the wine until you send out 10 more resumes.

9. You open the wine and find out that hoarders is now on Netflix and applying to that knitting store can seriously go fuck itself.

You worked hard today, it’s drink to forget time.

To all my unemployed compadres I am with you, we must stand together in these long days of randomness and uncertainties. We must all support each other and regale in stories of weird new hobbies we’ve taken up to have something to talk about with friends.

We are all together on this…

Unless I see you at a job interview, then I’m slipping laxatives into your coffee when you’re not looking.

Dog eat dog world.

27 Things You Can Still Do When You’re 27

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Recently my best friend Kmo posted this article “27 things you MUST say goodbye to at 27” and it sparked a rage inside me that I haven’t felt since my convenience store switched their pizza pocket brand to McCain.
Having my own blog and being 27 I have decided to retaliate against this writer who clearly has an extensive Cosmo magazine collection and found her sexuality through a tampon commercial.

Unfortunately you will need to read her list before mine for dramatic effect and hilarity.

Without further hesitation I give you Casey Janes’ 27 things you ARE still doing at 27 and it’s ok.

1. Bagels? Really? You brought the holiest (pun intended) breakfast food into being 27? I ate 3 sandwiches last night in less than 2 hours at 10pm and felt the sweet freedom of being an adult. And how DARE you smite cream cheese, it is the spread of the gods!
Your body is still young enough to work that out and have an incredible morning poop story to text to your girlfriends/guyfriends.

2. One day birthday? You know who has one day birthdays? My dad because he’s 56 and gets so hammered that he has to put a restraining order out on himself from his liver.
Oh, and that guy on University Ave that yells about Armageddon.
That guy still thinks it’s the year 1300.
You have every right to ruin your best friends lives for a week for the sake of getting older.

3. “Just because” vacations are over.
I don’t know if this woman met all her friends at a bridal show or a country club but I’m calling bullshit on this one.
Actually I’m calling bullshit on the whole article but that’s beside the point.
I recently got back from a 26 day European trip that cost me $1800 dollars and only $188 of that was spent on accommodation. It was amazing, it was hilarious and I plan on traveling to LA in March. I am also a bridesmaid in 2 weddings and each bride gets shit faced drunk in animal onesies at my place twice a month.

4. I’m sorry, babies?
Half of us are still using Tinder as a delivery service while the other half are trying to remember if we have enough in our savings account to buy wine for the night.

5. Is this woman some weird estrogen werewolf? When the lights come on does she instantly grow hair out of every orifice and start drooling?
I’ve partied with people in their 30’s who are the last ones at the 24 hr pho restaurant debating having a game of Catan and smoking weed. I look forward to Saturday bed picnics and multiple naps.
BECAUSE IM AN ADULT AND I CAN DO WHAT I WANT!
Also I’m no treat at 2am when the lights come on but you better believe I give ZERO fucks about my physical appearance.

6,7,8. Tell that to my bank account and Anne Taylor? Really? Might as well just sew your vagina up and pick a husband out of the line at the Staples business depot around the corner.

9. If I want to put a bejewelled head band on and drop MDMA at a music festival in Barrie I will.
I.
Will.

10. Who the fuck wears rainbow sandals?

11. Ooooooooooo somebody didn’t get into that law school they told everyone they were going to.

12. The only reason, ONLY reason I don’t wear white is because I can’t afford dry cleaning and red wine and pizza sauce stains are a bitch to get out.

13. Yes Tweens are indeed taking over midnight movies everywhere, it’s a real epidemic. Although they are the perfect scape goat when the theatre attendant tries to catch you drinking a tetra pack of Chardonnay.
“It OBVIOUSLY belongs to the 16 year old, officer.”
“Mam, I’m not an officer and you still have the straw in your mouth.”

14. VERY SERIOUS CAREER…
Here I’ll get serious, very serious.
Never stop exploring your options, never think that how you are evolving in your career depends on a formula. The most successful people I know started off doing one thing that lead to something they absolutely love. There is no race you need to win and you can certainly have fun while building a successful fulfilling career.
Also don’t forget to live, a lot of us think we need to shut ourselves off and put all our attention to our career. I have been one of those and you miss out on a lot of moments and opportunities.
It’s all about balance.

15. What old white man parties is this lady going to?

16. What I want to know is what is your standard of “ratty?”
Last summer I wore a pair of my roommates black satin underwear and a bikini top that I bought at a Target in Pennsylvania.
I still got laid.

17. YOU CANT TAKE BACKSTREET BOYS AWAY FROM ME!!!

18. Hey if I’m doubled over my toilet because of day old Indian food, I have every right to be late for my doctors appointment.
I’m actually doing him a favour, I’m like a modern day Mother Theresa.

19. My mother and I fight about who that actor was in that movie that had the thing happen in it.
It is a glorious spectacle and I would never give that up.

20. I can’t afford cable so…

21. I don’t have a grudge, they were legit idiots.

22. Unless I have a date or my roommate comments on my appearance I am ok with going 2 days without showering. These are usually the days I spend watching hours of CSI Miami while job hunting on my couch.

23. NO! You do not bring themed parties into this!
As my readers know I have monthly costume parties at my place and I will continue this tradition until I’m dead. I look forward to the day my kids come home and find me and their aunts dressed like cowboy flapper girls singing Dolly Parton’s 9-5.

24. I read the news…that Marmaduke, he kills me.

25. But then how are you supposed to laugh at her when he says he’s married?

26. Oh yea cause adding each photo at a time is totally better.

27. Just remember ladies, Keggles count as your daily exercise.

Thanks for reading and remember, you are still young and there is nothing you should or should not be doing at any age.
Well…
Maybe pooping yourself, if you’re 27 and pooping yourself I think you have bigger problems than this list.

Tunes

Dolly Parton – Nine to Five
Backstreet Boys – I Want It That Way
Father John Misty – Chateau #4 (In C for Two Virgins)

I’m an old bitch but here’s what I’ve learned.

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Here I am ladies and gentlemen, a grown ass 27 year old lady.

I MADE IT!

Seriously though, my birthday weekend got weird, wild, and wonderful all across 4 days of late twenty something binge drinking. We danced too, I doubt it was anything to write home about. I’m sure I fell on the dance floor at least twice to the vocals of Annie Lennox. My lovely guy friends who throw the infamous F’UNREAL at The Boat in Kensington Market took to the task of making my legs fall off and my brain check out. At midnight I turned 27 on July 27th, it was here, I’m fucking closer to thirty. Promptly I headed to the bar and hoovered birthday shots like a tiny elephant. You know, to ease the realization that I have to “adult” a little more now.

Alright here comes the reflection of my age thus far.

I’ve become content with who I am, honestly, I know now that I will never be anyone else but myself. Sure, I can make improvements, I can still grow, however deep down my soul will stay the same. My personality, my hideously loud laugh, my stubbornness, and my constant quest to feel the extraordinary will never fade. I’ve stopped pulling back around people and I’ve let go of those that cause me to doubt myself. I’ve become happy with the “right now” and I except the pace my life is moving in. I’m still taking risks, however I’ve learned the ways one can protect themselves while jumping into a bed of fire.

Most importantly my friends and the people I continually meet have taught me more than I could have thought. The love, the generosity, and just the effort all my friends make to support and to be around me is immense. I can’t count how many times I’ve eaten and had a glass of wine because of Kmo. I once made it to a shoot because Sarah gave me 40 dollars to get there and back when I was broke. I’ve had Meghan pay for a night out just because she missed me and wanted us to have a great time. My lovely Liz organized our Europe tickets and made the tough call to just go for it and I adore her for that.
And there’s Branko, my forever honey bear, watch dog, and love. I’m not going to give you a list but this guy is a big part of where I am and who I am.

This is just a very small list of the beautiful humans I get to call my friends and family. I love them all for wanting to be involved in this circus of mine. Last night as the girls and I sat on a blanket after getting spoiled by Cat and her gifts from Japan. This included pancake socks, chocolate, and a full bear zip up costume.

Yes we all put on the bear costume…
And yes we all gave ourselves bear nicknames…

I really felt the love from all of us and it’s incredible to watch us all find our way. We’ve been having fun, struggling, and growing together for 14 years now and I’ll say the same thing 40 years from now.

And yes we will probably still have the bear costume handy.

This reminds me of another thing I’ve learned in the past year.
HAVE FUN ALWAYS!
Get over yourself, stop thinking you have to act a certain way, live a certain life, and do what is expected for your age bracket. Stop taking yourself so seriously because darling it looks terrible on you. Not everything in life is a networking event, competition, or interview. Things happen because you attract them not because you handed out 10 business cards at a bar you really couldn’t afford anyway.

Have impromptu dress up parties with your girlfriends, shoot BB guns at beer cans in a park with your guy friends. Meet a friend for coffee and talk about how constipated you’ve been lately. Have a night dancing in your apartment in your underwear.

What I’m saying is the possibilities are endless.

I do all these things and still have built a pretty great career so far. I’m not saying there are not moments where you need to focus. I have my crunch times where I keep my eyes ahead and do what is expected from any professional. That is the balance in order to live the life you want to live, I just see a lot of people forgetting to do the fun part.

I’m looking at you Ms Resting Bitch Face, fix it and start doing things that don’t end in a #fitspo hashtag…
Eat a fucking poutine and fart in your lulu’s already.

Again this is just my opinion, I’m not saying I have ALL the fun but what I’m saying is I make room for it to happen. Even rewarding yourself after a successful day by rolling up a joint and going to sit by the lake is enough. It keeps you happy, it keeps you moving forward, and it only strengthens your relationships with others.

That’s about it,

I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing and always stay humbled by the fact that I get to wake up everyday and do everything I love to do with everyone I love.

God that’s cheesy…
Kinda threw up in my mouth a bit…

K bye guys.

TUNES!

Poolside – Harvest Moon
Blood Orange – Chamakay
Still Corners – Strange Pleasures