The Unemployed Truth

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Remember the darling Holly Golightly?

The real phoney of New York City that took herself to Tiffany’s window display anytime she had a “red day?”

I’ve been having my fair share of red days lately and I’m not really into believing a jewelry store will fix any of it. Maybe if I were there to successfully rob the place and head to Mexico…

Maybe then I’d be more inclined to visit the place.

No sparkling display is going to snap me out of the reality that I’m broke, jobless and in another slew of panic attacked mornings. When you can’t make rent and or cellphone payment your brain becomes a calculator of eternity. No matter what opportunities you uncover that little black cloud follows reminding you of the obvious.

You’re broke and bills are piling up, now what are you doing about it?

Unfortunately sending out over 70 resumes doesn’t quite put my mind at ease. I know I’m supposed to be patient but when you can’t leave your house because the grocery store doesn’t except I.O.U’s it’s a weight I can’t explain.

Although, through it all I won’t give up, because deep down, there is always foresight. There is always this vision that plays out if I just keep going. I’ve read about the persistence, the passion, and the patience it’s taken many other successful people to get to where they stand now.

It’s still fucking hard and anyone that tells you different is sniffing glue.

Being unemployed is a funny activity to take part in everyday, you do some weird shit when you’ve got nothing else to do. I get up usually with the hope that I’ll have a reply to the thousands of jobs I’ve applied to. Once the reality that no one gives a fuck about my ability to curate visuals sets in I then take to my couch.

There a lot of things you do when unemployed.

1. Attempt to make your resume “stand out” against the masses of other unemployed creatives. Maybe put in bold at the top MAGIC MONKEY NUTS to get their attention.

2. Creep the shit out of every company and it’s top employees on LinkedIn. If you’re really good you find them on Facebook with a recent Saturday night photo of them drunkenly pole dancing at the Hideout on Queen street.

Screen shot it and if things get real bad use it as leverage, it’s a dog eat dog world out there.

3. Update your website of any new and obviously pro bono work you’ve done.
I wonder if lawyers ever stage court hearings in their living room with other unemployed lawyers and judges like photographers and Stylist do?

4. Walk over to your fridge for the 100th time to make sure your food hasn’t moved places and that mouldy thing in a Tupperware container is still in fact really gross.

5. Have every job searching platform open on your computer and strongly debate applying to bottle girl jobs at night clubs with names like “TRA$E” or “Liquid night club”. Only because you know you’d make your rent, bills, and a possible vacation in one night of putting up with a sea of douche bags revved on G and Patron.

6. Call your parents and tell them casually that your landlord is coming to shoot out your knee caps so you won’t be joining them for Sunday dinner. Immediately following you check your bank account to see if they fell for your pitiful cry for help.

They didn’t because you’re an “adult” now.

7. While checking your almost empty bank account you see a glimmer of hope in the form of a government deposit of 60 dollars. You then hit the grocery store and wine wrack as you haven’t actually been outside in two days.

8. Go home and tell yourself you won’t open the wine until you send out 10 more resumes.

9. You open the wine and find out that hoarders is now on Netflix and applying to that knitting store can seriously go fuck itself.

You worked hard today, it’s drink to forget time.

To all my unemployed compadres I am with you, we must stand together in these long days of randomness and uncertainties. We must all support each other and regale in stories of weird new hobbies we’ve taken up to have something to talk about with friends.

We are all together on this…

Unless I see you at a job interview, then I’m slipping laxatives into your coffee when you’re not looking.

Dog eat dog world.

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The Lovely Self Saboteur

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Christmas and New Years are now over and everyone in Toronto is nursing a hangover. The holidays are always a little hard for me, I’m usually broke and going through freelance vacancy. This year was nice as I played host to my family. My Oma (which is Dutch for Grandmother) was diagnosed with Dementia this year, its been really hard to see her mind go deeper into the disease. She isn’t at the point where she doesn’t know who we are but she still has moments where she thinks shes been robbed. Luckily my family has a great sense of humor and are quick to turn a somewhat sad moment into a punch line.

Booze also helps.

Now if you think I was able to pull off an entire Christmas dinner you clearly also believe that I am a 4 foot old Asian man. There is no way this lady can orchestrate the cooking of a 10 pound turkey with even the idea of putting my hand up its ass and stuffing it full of bread crumbs and rosemary. My family had taken the safe road and decided to order our meal from a restaurant. All I had to do was pour myself a glass of wine and throw everything neatly packed into the oven with very clear temperature directions. I had some anxieties about over cooking the turkey but it tasted amazing and so the rest of the family shenanigans were able to continue.

5 Tuninga things that happened that night.

1. My Oma got too drunk and had to take a nap in my room under all our coats.
2. My Dad for the first time called me a bitch for convincing my brother to eat a quarter when he was 5 years old. I had not realized he didn’t know I was behind the whole thing.
3. My brother calling my dads phone saying he was on his way and my dad answering his phone “Gangster” by saying loudly “Motherfucker”.
4. It only took us 5 minutes to roll a joint after knowing my Oma was fast asleep.
5. I ended up falling asleep on my floor until my roommate put me to bed.

Needless to say we were all very hungover Christmas Day.

I woke this morning and went for a run, I almost threw up, I was at the 3k mark and started to feel the toll of the last couple weeks. In the past month I’ve found out I’m loosing my assisting job, I was broken up with, and my family has been going through a landslide of developing mental illnesses. I thought I could just push myself through it, go to all the holiday parties with a smile and shrug it off.

It doesn’t work like that though, next thing you know you wake up in your bed not knowing how you even got there. As you know I am now 27 and realistically should not be wondering where my feet have taken me the night before. I am one of those lovely self saboteur’s that when things get bad I make them worse. Every time I lift myself out of a spell like this I tell myself “never again” and I launch myself back into a positive place. It keeps happening, I’ve been trying to break this cycle for years and I think it was worse this time because I was finally feeling like I had my life together.

Clearly I was not anywhere near where I am supposed to be. I have this theory that if you ignore your gut long enough it will make decisions for you. I knew deep down that all these things were meant to happen but the problem is I get so swept up in the emotion of drastic change that I forget to look at it rationally. I go back to being a joke at a party, I dress myself up only to hide the freak outs that are going on in my head. I know what I need to change but I don’t feel like I deserve to make the change.

I was never good at taking the easy road, actually I’m not even good at finding it.

I’m by no means playing a pity card or trying to sound like a victim. These are all choices I actively made, its the bad habits that I let happen again and again. I’m aware of them, I just don’t always listen to them and that is when I get hurt or hurt someone else. Whether it be a stranger or a close friend, unintentionally they get wrapped up in my mission to fuck myself up.

It’s a wake up call that should not be ignored.

The silver lining is that throughout this month I still can clearly see that beautiful little life I want to lead. I can still see all the possibilities and opportunities that could come my way. Not once do I ever say “I give up” to myself and I believe its because I still love myself under all this crap shoot drama I make. I know I am a good person, I have the most wonderful people around me. My biggest fear is that my sabotaging habits will push these beautiful people away from me, I think that is one of the main things that snap me back to reality.

I know I am not alone in feeling like this from time to time. I know I am not the first 27 year old woman to look at their life and wonder how the fuck they got there. I spend hours thinking about all my good qualities and all my faults, I do the balancing act of which qualities come out more. I’m trying to focus on my strengths but having self doubt as an artist just adds to the struggling motivation. I sometimes feel like the dumbest person alive, like I missed the boat on living a normal life, I worry I missed the boat on a lot of things.

Although I can look at an article of clothing, take it home, and create my own version of it. I can look at a photograph and paint it almost exactly the same. I can people watch or read something that helps me create a story through clothing on a freelance styling job. I can see a display in a window on Queen Street and recreate it in my apartment for my roommate and I to enjoy. Better yet I can look around at my apartment, the clothes I own, the food I eat, that all comes from me being creative. I make a living and I choose to make a living creating things. Its not the easiest profession, a lot of people think you’re crazy, a lot of people think you’re lucky, and some have no idea how your life is lived.

I’m excited for the New Year, I wouldn’t mind a fresh new slate. I’ll spend the next couple days letting go of negative things, writing out all the things I want for 2015, and telling the people that matter to me how important they are in my life. There is a lot of potential out there if you work for it.The things that are worth the most are sometimes the things you put everything on the line for, they are the things in life that make it worth living. This year I am going to work for everything, my family, my friends, and my career, maybe even a relationship.

Life goes on and I don’t want to be the one left behind.

 

Ben Howard – Conrad 

Gary Clark Jr – Things are Changing

Hozier  – Work Song

 

I’m having a 2014 Orgasm

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So it’s a new year, I got to shut the door on the hardest year of my life and I’m proud of it. I can look back and actually see how far I’ve gone with the mindset of doing what I want and having what I want in life. It’s been hard, no it’s been harder than hard, it’s been like trying to crack a diamond. I know there’s harder years to come but I feel like I’ve really gone through the foundation of what my life’s purpose is and what I want. I’m open to change but I really got to know myself this year on so many levels, some days I didn’t believe who’s head I was in. Mind you those days ended in me crumpled on my floor surrounded by fabric wondering when I’d be taken away to an institution…ok exaggeration however in my head that’s the picture that forms.
I also learned how important your friends are and the company you keep around you. I gained so many amazing friends last year and deepened those who have been with me for years. I was so blown away by the creative and positive people around me all I wanted to do was constantly give my love back. I learned about how many different friendships you can have and how special each one is, I don’t take one for granted because in some way it shaped who I am now. It’s funny how the ones that were always meant to be in your life just easily are, even if time passes they’ll always come back like it didn’t. I’ve had a lot of crazy moments where the right people showed up at the exact right time, I can recall every one of them and they’ve made me believe that things really do happen for all the right reasons.
You just have to let them.
This year is my launch pad year, I’ve built the foundation and now I need to apply all that to the career I’m going to make a living at and a good one. This year I learned a lot of skills, my sewing ability has tripled thanks to Keira (Handsome&Lace) and my wardrobe work, my creativity is at an all time high, like Salvador Dali when he had his throwing cats phase…
I don’t want to fuck this year up, I certainly don’t want to continue making the same mistakes and I’m determined to catch myself before any irrational decision especially in the finance department. It’s terrifying when you get to another level in life because you build this inner pressure for yourself to not fail. I’m kinda the master at failing elegantly until I can shut the door of my room and cry with a lit cigarette. Failing is learning and its going to happen but as I’ve learned you can stop the same mistakes from happening if you take time to figure out why you did it, why it happened. Having a journal constantly in my bag has been an incredible reference for myself and a great downloading device. Writing takes those little or big dreams you have and makes them slowly come alive, it affirms them and kinda makes them a little more real every time. Think of it like making money, you don’t just think about it, you go out and earn it and its the same with making your wants and needs come true. You have to make it happen and the best way is to just start writing exactly what it is you want. For me I find I have too much going on in my head at all times so writing lets me take the thoughts that are either occurring or are literally thoughts that make me the happiest to think about.
So here’s the magic part that ill share with you. Last year when I knew I would be going through a lot of change I wrote down some goals that I thought would push me to be a better me, as you do come New Years. I wrote a bunch of things down but here’s the really cool part, as of last month I crossed all these off as accomplished.
Goal number one was to start assisting under a freelance stylist and I did that.
Goal number two was to get my own place downtown, well come August I found the best place with my best pal Kate.
Goal number three was to style with a Canadian designer named Laura Siegel and yup, that happened.
Goal four was to work wardrobe on a concert, I was backstage…well under the stage at the Taylor Swift concert dressing all her dancers for 3 nights.
Goal five was to get published and in just one year I have been published over 8 times in online and print publications.
Goal six was rely on myself and be independent, that took awhile but I’m happy to say that these days I’m a pretty good solo trail blazer.
Goal seven was to meet with the CEO of Holt Renfrew to gain some insight and I can happily say that I not only met him I still get little emails of encouragement from him.
And lastly I wanted to be Stylist on a music video, this took the longest but just last month I was hired to style a Down With Webster music video that will be aired on Much Music and MTV Canada.

So there’s your proof, all these things that happened were all from me sitting on my empty apartment floor with a blank piece of sketch paper writing each one out. I remember thinking I was crazy, and sighing about how lovely it would be if these things could be true. Now I obviously worked my ass off but having these goals in my mind literally attracted them to my life, I didn’t strategically seek out each goal. I just kept growing and kept doing things that I wanted to do, I would literally wake up some mornings just holding things in my mind and sure enough I would get an email, a phone call, or a text that had the very next step. All I had to do was say yes, forget about the fear, forget my insecurities and just do it. There were a lot of times where I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing, there were a lot of times where I thought I was on the right path but got the rude awakening that I wasn’t. The thing is I never stopped, I never gave up, even when I was flat broke and couldn’t pay my rent. I remember some gigs I wouldn’t have enough money to even get there so I’d wake up extra early, pack my suitcase and walk to whatever studio I’d have to be at because nothing was going to stop me. I’ve always let money dictate who I am and what I can do but after this year…well it’s just such a silly thought now. You can do it, you just have to want it badly enough, you have to need it, nothing standing in your way is a brick wall that you can’t climb over. I’ve been at part time jobs where I’ve walked across the city to get to and not been able to eat all day but I did my job because I knew that all of it would be worth it one day, and it is.

So that’s my New Years advice to you, keep going, make goals and know that literally anything is possible. I want to thank all my dearest friends for their constant support and love, without them I wouldn’t have been able to push myself so hard.
Kate, Meghan, Sarah, Cat, Shaina, Branko, Gooding thank you for being my rocks and my extended family and believing in me even when I didn’t. Tyler, Aaron, Pat, Joel, Shawna, and Brook thank you for bringing me into your circle and giving me the most hilarious and exciting summer. I remember the first bellwoods croquet game I came to and not only did you all offer me a drink I ended up skinny dipping with all of you that night.
And a big thank you to my parents for constantly supporting me, never in my life has either of them shot down a dream I had, never have they enforced anything on me other then my values, love for others and the idea that I can really do anything I put my mind too. This year I got to photograph both my mum and my dad on two different occasions and to have them be involved in my work makes me the happiest daughter in the world!
To my work friends who made all the difference in my styling skills, contacts and experiences you are the foundations of what my career is developing into. Kirsten White you above all gave me my first break as a stylist and I will NEVER forget that day you called me and not only hired me but gave me exactly what I needed to know to do a good job. Marie Eve Tremblay for taking me on for 6 months and literally putting me through assistant boot camp, I would not have the work drive and passion I have now if it wasn’t for you. Laura DiMarcantonio for taking me on as your assistant and teaching me on set etiquette and what is expected of me. Patrick Lacsina and Amanda Blair Robson for being the very first creative I’ve ever done, you two have been so good to me and I love all the work we’ve created together this year. Bri and Britt of Jane & Jane for constantly blowing my mind with your creativity and excitement whenever we have a project together, you two always inspire me to be better and more creative. Thomas Dagg for talking shop with me, bringing me on a short film, photographing my dad while sailing and showing me that I can indeed get my photo taken. Julie and Brianna for helping me put together my mums modelling portfolio, you girls have no idea how much that shoot meant to me and my mum. Erin Heather for being an amazing make up artist and having many late night chats about the industry and making me feel like I wasn’t alone as an artist. Joe at Fresh Collective for being such an amazing person to work with, spending 8 hours with you singing Wilson Phillips songs and making hilarious jokes has been a highlight for me. Getting a part time job seemed like a step backwards at first but fuck am I ever glad I ended up with you. And of corse Keira of Handsome & Lace for hiring me at such an amazing time for your business. I remember the first day we worked together in your studio, we laughed the whole time, had some inspiring deep conversations about life and the importance of doing what you want to do. You are by far the biggest drive these days and whenever I get down I think, man I bet Keira would just hop on her sewing machine and keep going and then I follow suit.
I want nothing but success to everyone I have ever worked for and with, I want all of us in 5 years to look back and be astounded and proud at all the hard work and passion we put into our own careers. I hope I know and work with all of you time and time again and we get to a point where we can all pay each other top dollars for our talents.
And last but not least to everyone that reads this blog, it’s changed so much over the past year and half now and I’m really happy with what it’s evolved into. I hope that through my fuck ups, rants, raves, and opinions some of you feel less crazy and alone in the world because your not. Not many people like to talk about the hard stuff, they focus on the pretty pictures and on the surface success but I really wanted to show people that life isn’t like that and things don’t just happen. I’ve read a lot of blogs that seem to paint this beautiful picture that their lives are full of free gifts, clothing, trips and wonderful things but underneath all that are people that have really pushed themselves to live the life they want. I just happen to show the gritty shit, the break downs, the drinking sprees, and the constant self doubt of being an artist. I’ve gained more readers in the past couple months since I’ve taken the honesty route and I couldn’t be happier. Sometimes it’s really hard putting myself on this because I really can’t control who reads it, but then again maybe I needed that to really stop caring what people think. I have the people I want around me in life and I’m unapologetic about what I write on here because its real, I don’t lie and I don’t make up shit just to get followers. It’s funny how a person could literally follow my entire life last year just by reading through this blog. I’ve had moments where people have come up to me at parties and hugged me because of something I wrote about which is a pretty crazy thing, but I love it and I goon out over it.

So here’s to 2014, the year I make my bitch!

I love you all, your all Honey Bears in my book!

P.S
Top four of Handsome&Lace photos care of Jane&Jane Photography
Picture of my mum care of Modelight photography
Two of me dancing and Branko and Tyler hugging care of Keiran Meyn photography

When Shit Hits the Fan, Grab an Umbrella

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So this month has been hard, really really hard. I’m feeling the struggle of making it on my own as a freelance wardrobe assistant. There have been more days lately that I’ve almost thrown in the towel and given up. It is like nothing I’ve ever gone through and to be honest I’ve had some pretty hard hills to climb in my little life.
It’s constantly trial and error, learning and fucking up over and over again. Its taken its toll on me emotionally, I have my doubts about whether or not I can actually make this work. Then again I’m doing good work, I know that this is the path so many artists have travelled on and very few get to say they made it. I want in every bone in my body to make it and that’s why I’m not giving up.
If one way doesn’t work then you go another way until it does. In the big picture things are not that bad, I have roof over my head until my landlord breaks my knee caps for being late again. I have a cucumber and thanksgiving leftovers in the fridge, I have my health, my friends and family, and I’m still doing the work I love regardless of it not being enough right now.
Last night during a ritual box o wine ladies night I realized that a lot of us are going through the same shit storm. I tend to self sabotage on a weekly basis, when things are great I feel like setting fire to something. We get so used to the struggle that we forget that we create it for ourselves. In our jobs, our relationships and how we treat ourselves are all creations of our thinking. For example we got on the subject of men last night as you do with a bunch of nut bar single ladies on cheap wine. My girlfriend started seeing a new man and it’s going great, too great to the point where she’s waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under her fry boots. I wheeled on her saying that’s the problem, she’s not giving herself enough credit. Isn’t the goal in life to be happy? To find someone who actually matches all your needs? I do the same thing and I’m sure many ladies do. We sift through the shit for so long we begin wondering why we can’t smell it anymore. It’s growing up, revamping the values and tolerances that were so different from when we were younger. We carry that baggage to every new encounter and don’t even realize the weight is killing us.
So what did I learn other then not to get up too fast after a smoke and break my ass on pavement last night? To be aware of the good things, embrace them and let go of the fear that your not worth it. You are and always have been and if your not happy you can always change, always walk away, and always start over.
I’m glad to be writing again and this blog post was a work in progress. I didn’t want to come back and rant about how life sucks and it’s hard because its not…I just thought it was and created it all by myself in my crazy head.
Next time you feel like the world is crashing down around you take a step back and really be aware of your thoughts. What you think is what you are, Buddha knew what he was talking about. I bet he didn’t count on being quoted by a basket case white girl though.

Thanks for reading my loves

Xoxo

-Casey Jane

Winos & Wanderers

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I wish I had a constant camera on me so at the end of every week I could sit down with a cheap Shiraz and watch myself create my life and live it. In a way that’s what this blog is, when I’m in my forties ill get to read over this and realize how insanely determined I was to live the life I wanted. It’s not easy, I know I talk about that a lot but I can’t stress enough the hard reality of becoming what you want to be. It’s lonely a lot of the time, I’m always working with new people which is amazing but I don’t have an office, I don’t have the same people I see everyday and I’m completely in my own head most of the time.
At the same time I love surrounding myself with people, mainly my friends because they are the ones that know me, they care about me and I want to spoil them all constantly! I daydream about being successful and being able to treat my friends, help them make their dreams, and creating even crazier adventures…not that we don’t all have those. This summer alone has been filled with photo shoots, pool hopping, scaling buildings to drink on roof tops, beach days, late night bike rides, and dancing with Kate to 90’s music alone in our apartment.
That part of my life is solid, my career is moving along at its own perfect pace whether I like it or not, and my personal life…well I’ve got some bugs to work out still. I feel like I’m constantly putting myself behind glass with men, I’ve changed a lot in the last year and it freaks me out knowing where my head is at these days. Commitment scares the shit out of me, the idea of creating anything other then art just gets my stomach in knots and I could be a little jaded…just a little. Now I’m not trying to say I’m a raging she hulk and every man should watch his step, I love the company of men and Im actually quite fond of the ones I’ve met. For me, right now I’m starting to see that it’s ok to have fun and want what you want. I’m being honest with myself and sometimes that comes at a price, I’m sure I’ve made a couple guys run away in the last little while but I know it was for the best…at least I think so. I could be completely wrong on this whole topic, I wouldn’t say I’m a scholar at being single, I’m more like a drunk freshman. Just an affectionate ball of goof, that’s typically what I am most of the time but on the days I pull back I’m a quiet little thinker. What I really like is being myself and watch which people stick around and which slip away, it’s a great thing because you end up landing in the company of really incredible people. I think that’s what I like best about being single, being fancy free little ol me and whoever wants to partake in it has to believe in who I am.
In my quest for my career I’m learning a lot about patience and knowing my place in it all. Assisting has taught me so many valuable things about the industry and becoming a professional wardrobe stylist. I learn so much from my Stylists and I’m forever grateful for their honesty and guidance, not to mention allowing me to make a living off what I love to do. I’ve learned to harness my focus in a sometimes chaotic environment, there is a lot of attention that’s needed to do a good job as an assistant. At the end of a shoot where I know I’ve done well I practically collapse once I get home into a giggling ball of insanity. It really takes a lot out of me but only when I’ve put my all into it and in the last month I’ve learned to focus and stay in the moment on shoots. Work is picking back up again and my bank account is pawning for the refill, it’s a struggle sometimes but I try not to let it get to me. I’m a very lucky lady and yea I sometimes eat toast for three days straight, I wash my underwear in my kitchen sink, and I use cinnamon as blush when I run out of makeup. But it’s all worth it, I have a beautiful apartment in the best neighbourhood, I’m living with my best friend and comedy partner and I’m learning how to become a wardrobe stylist! Ya, no complaints here.
The photos above are from I shoot I did with the lovely Jane & Jane and Erin Heather. Our beautiful Model Jocelyn had so much energy and really brought out the personality of the clothing. I pulled from designers Laura Siegel and Emily Woudenberg both who I admire a lot. When I was just starting out Laura and I had a phone conversation where she gave me some pretty amazing advice when I needed it the most. This shoot meant a lot to me because I never would have imagined being able to style with her clothing and yet just 8 months later here we are. It just goes to show how far you can go if you dream big, I had this quiet little thought in my head when I first spoke to Laura just wishing one day I could collaborate with her.
And then it happened.

I’m off to Bellwoods to meet Kate, keep dreaming k?

– Casey Jane

It’s Fall Romance and Im Eating Pad Thai in Bed

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Fall is here, it’s getting colder and my new duvet is getting harder and harder to leave every morning. The pumpkin spice lattes are filling in every woman’s efforts of the Victoria Secret body from the summer, couples are making me want to vomit and I’m finding myself wondering what the fuck happened to my soft side.
I’d probably feel better about it if I had the bank account to back me up, instead of a recycling bin full of take out boxes and magnum Sola and Nero wine bottles. You’d think I was trying to drown out something but honestly for the first time in ten years I’m quite content with my overtly single mindset. I used to rack my brain around how to be the perfect girl for a man, it was all about them, their lives, their hobbies and their dreams. I wanted to dress for them, laugh for them, bat my newt eyes in the perfect way and all it left me with was an insane insecurity problem and a box of tissues next to a text message battle that left me feeling like a loser.
Now I spend my weeks chasing my dreams while looking like a bag lady running across queen west with my suit cases in ten dollar pants and value village heels. Day after day my bullshit meter becomes more heightened and I’m starting to have a very low tolerance for people I don’t like and an even lower tolerance for people that don’t like me. I don’t need to impress people, I don’t need to chase people and I certainly don’t need to put up with it. I think we all spend a lot of time trying to impress people that realistically are not our types and I’m not talking about just men, I’m talking about the whole human race of assholes and bitches. There is absolutely no point in trying to be something you’re not and there’s no point in trying to hide who you are. It’s a ticking time bomb, it’s like trying to mask the fact you took a huge dump with perfume and a curtesy flush…you’re shits still gonna stink.
On weekends I indulge myself in the glorious company of my closest girlfriends, dance until 2 am with my guy friends and end the nights entertaining the idea of either calling someone or eating a sandwich…lately the sandwich is winning. I’ve given up the chase of a relationship, it’s not something my brain can hold down long enough, but maybe it’s just the fact that I could care less. If a man wants to spend time with me than I’d rather act like my clumsy, idiotic, and loud self. If they like me great, if not than great because at least I’m not having a battle in my head of why he won’t call and why I said I liked organized sports.
I’m working on my career, I’m writing like a mad woman and I’m trying to figure out how to get myself out of 3 dollar heels and into some Jimmy Choo’s that are not made in china town. I’m working on my big break and the scary part is that I have no idea where it’s going to come from and what form it’ll be in. The one thing I keep telling my over reactive brain is to just keep doing what I love, do it well and be confident that it’s ok to have a weekly addiction to late night Pad Thai binges. There’s nothing sexier then a woman who has a themed day called fat fuck Sunday and does what she wants…right?
The photos above are of my recent shoot with Jane & Jane Photography and I am obviously to the moon about them. I used two designers jewelry pieces for this shoot, the talented Seema Patel and Sonia Kang both whom I strongly suggest you check out. Also my lovely Erin Heather was holdin down the make up and hair, I mean ladies is this not the hottest “caught in the rain hair” you’ve ever seen? I look like a drowned rat on stilts…
Well my lovelies I’m off to dabble in the sunshine of Queen west and Kensington Market and no I’m not going to buy knock off Jimmy’s…ill patiently wait for the real deal, life’s just better when you let it unfold the way it’s supposed to.

Happy Monday

-Casey Jane

Getting off the guilt train

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I’ve been stressing hard about my career lately, it’s not a bad thing but when you make your own path it can be REALLY hard to gage whether you’re doing all you can or not. Is it ok to let things unfold and not have a heart attack over your empty email box? I have a habit of thinking being under stress is a sign your working hard…is it? I’m only still an assistant and that’s amazing but sometimes I guilt myself into thinking I’m not good enough, especially when I screw up on something that now seems so obvious. But that’s just it, when you start out on something your not going to be the best, you have this drive to keep humble because you’re going to fail..a lot.
Then you get those times where you amaze yourself, you do an amazing job and everyone is happy and you fall down at home in a half crazed laugh. I’ve had these times happen quite close to each other and my one mistake was I didn’t hold on to the momentum of the accomplishment, lost focus and decided I knew what I was doing..
HA!
Big idiot for the win!
I was promptly put in my place by life, if it was a real life scenario I’d have my head in a toilet being held down by 8th grade behemoth I called wide load. It’s humbling, really really humbling and you know I’m happy it happened and I had the awareness to smarten up. This is an amazing career path filled with amazingly inspiring people who have had the heart to teach me, and yea I’m a rookie and so I should know that.
I’m ready again to hit the ground running, knowing a whole lot more, but all this takes time. In the mean time I’ve been updating my portfolio, setting up creatives, reading, and writing. Kate and I are happy happy in our new apartment, to be honest we’ve been having too much fun.
The last week we’ve been writing new material for an upcoming project for our comedy duo Cashmo, it feels soo good to get back to comedy. We went through all our old note books and found some insanely good stuff…we are going to hell but hey at least we get to make people laugh.
Here are some moments that happened this past week:
On Friday Kate came home from The Drake Hotel after consuming two bottles of red wine at dinner with a friend of hers, she then joined me in a bottle before we were supposed to go dancing. My dear friends DJ a dance night at Supermarket in Kensington and so I watched as Kate tried to put heels on and drink wine at the same time. I laughed and said they wouldn’t let her into the bar if she couldn’t walk, she then b lined it to her bed and yelled “I JUST NEED WATER” and then starfished halfway onto her bed with her feet sticking out. I went out and danced the night away with friends and returned home riding on the back of a boys bike. When I entered our apartment I found dear Kmo in the exact same position I left her in…I checked for breathing and got one heel off before starfishing in my own bed.
Yesterday we went to Bellwood’s park and wrote a new song called “Date Night” which is all about being incredibly awkward on a date but thinking you’re owning it…story of my life. We sipped beers and thought of the worst possible things either we’ve done or are bound to happen. After that we met some friends before heading down to my dads boat for happy hour. I started to feel anxious, guilty that this is how I spend my week. Kmo had a good point though, why not? Why can’t it be this good? Why can’t we put our efforts and talents into what we WANT to do…she’s right. I’m so used to the struggle that it’s strange to me when life is giving me what I need. So after that we walked up Bathurst to our humble neighbourhood and ended the night making epic grilled cheese.

Life’s funny guys, just keep doing what you love to do and make a living out of it. I hear that a lot from successful people, they have failed, they have struggled but they never gave up. They worked hard at whatever they loved to do and didn’t take it for granted, I think that’s success…maybe.

And now I’m off to meet Kmo to create some opportunities and make jokes about poo…

Happy Wednesday Lovelies

Tunes
Lo-Fang – #88
Grouplove – Ways to Go
1975 – She Way Out
Marcus Foster – Love in the Way

An Artists Addiction

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When I started styling I was nervous, curious, terrified, and excited before every shoot. That hasn’t changed much to where I am now, I still get goosebumps and have consecutive small heart attacks every time I go to a shoot. I love once I’m in the groove and the photographers have gotten to work, it’s the time where the panic stops and I genuinely feel like I’m on the best drugs in the world.
The downside…
When I don’t work I feel lost, I get anxious like a kid waiting to get on a ride at the fair. This week has been one where everything has gotten cancelled (no thanks to the epic flood Toronto had) and by Tuesday night I was convinced I was going bat shit crazy. All I could think about yesterday was my next job, where is it and when is it going to happen?
It’s a odd withdrawal, an emotional one that I’m still trying to process, the idea of being unemployed after every job is a crazy concept. It’s reality and to be honest I’m ok with the chaos right now, I always feel like summer should be chaotic, fun, but I never like my feet to stop moving for too long. I know that these times will happen, I can’t force it so I just have to create work for myself so that I am still doing my art.
I realized that little bit of learning after getting day drunk with Kate and my newly home bestie Sarah. The power had been blowing out all morning because of the mega flood Toronto had, it felt like Armageddon, well not really I’m being dramatic, but it was eerie. Everything along Queen West (including my place) was blacked out except…
Drum roll
The Wine Rack! They were only taking cash and were writing receipts by hand, such brave wonderful people, in a time of panic and fisher man overalls. Kate bought a magnum, if you don’t know what that is then I assume your one of those people who have a glass of wine and stop.
We are not those people…
So the three of us sat around in my living room drinking wine and talking about everything and anything, chain smoking and forgetting that it was a Tuesday. I don’t normally day drink, I feel like a…well a drunk.
Kate eventually went off to her class, best student ever, and Sarah and I went to find ice cream. We sat at Soho and Queen, people watched and commented on the lack of male eye candy. There’s something humbling about being drunk at 4pm trying to eat an ice cream cone in public, I also believe that every once in awhile it’s ok to go against the grain and act silly.
Ok enough about my view on artistic withdrawal, the above photos are from a shoot I did with Jane & Jane Photography. The model is the beautiful Michie from Next who blew me away with her natural talent. The clothing was mainly vintage pieces that were from my own stock wardrobe and my wonderful boss Marie Eve’s closet. I wanted to do a sixties vibe mixed with contemporary style, I got exactly what I wanted and this is by far one of my favourite shoots. It was one that made me see how much I’ve progressed in my work, it’s starting to become natural to me and I’m beginning to have a process. I can see myself getting better and that’s amazing because this is just another sign that I really am doing what I love, it makes my heart beat, it makes me want to live a life bigger then I ever could imagine.
It makes me happy writing this blog knowing that ill be able to look back on all these posts and see all the progression, all the rants, all the struggle, and laugh. Ill probably always laugh at myself because I’m usually a mess, but I know ill be successful in my art, ill be making a good living and creating beauty which truly makes me happy. This is the learning part, the part you constantly question yourself, the part that tests your passion everyday because let’s face it, it’s easier to just get a desk job.
I just shuddered at the thought of a desk job, seriously I told someone the other day that office buildings freak me out, I’d go nuts in a cubical. The only thing that I would accomplish in an office building is photocopying my butt and stealing office supplies.

Anyway we got this story published on Juried – The Jury which is a tumblr feed dedicated to art and photography, you can join their RSS feed or follow them on tumblr.

Thanks for reading about my little adventure towards artistic success, I really REALLY appreciate seeing my stats and knowing that people are reading and actually liking my writing…it’s kinda crazy.

Happy Thursday Lovelies

Here are some tunes for ya!

Jack Johnson – I got you
The Beatles – Cant buy me love
She & Him – You really got a hold on me
The Kooks – Ooh La
Foster the People – Don’t Stop

…And we’re back!

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Guys I’ve never felt so alive in my entire life!
Oh and hi…how are you? It’s been awhile…two weeks too long I’ve been running around this city, this country, and America! I’ll try my best to recap all the events and work that has happened over the last little while so bare with me because this post maybe a long one so ill try and keep it interesting.
First up, I did wardrobe for Taylor Swift when she was in Toronto and I have to say even though I’m not a fan of her music that lady is a sweetheart! I dressed her dancers during the show while organizing racks of costumes with some really fun people.
My boss Marie-Eve was off on a much needed vacation and left me in charge of a four commercial spot which was daunting and exciting at the same time. I learned so much from everyone around me and being on set was extremely rewarding…I still don’t understand how I get paid for having so much fun, it’s hard hard work, emotionally and physically, but it feeds my soul. I know that this is what I was meant to do, I get goosebumps more and more.
Last Thursday I woke up at 3am because I couldn’t sleep at all, sometimes the realization that I’m still on my mums couch is frustrating and it keeps me up thinking. Sometimes I cry…a lot but I know it’s just a matter of time before everything changes for the better again. Ill be able to have my dog more then just a night, ill be able to stretch my legs out, and ill have known that I did it and I never gave up on myself.
Anyway so last Thursday I went to the commercial shoot for our 6am call time and dressed some lovely actors in the wardrobe Marie Eve and I worked so hard to put together, it was amazing seeing it all come together on film. I worked until noon until my phone chimed that three of my best girlfriends were awaiting in a SUV to whisk me off to the states for a 4 day road trip to a music festival in Dover, Delaware…yup Delaware.
We crossed the boarder no problem and thought we were doing great until the inevitable happened…bitches got lost. After checking three different kinds of maps we finally got back on the road and headed across Pensilvania, there was a lot of laughing until we realized how far behind we were. We ended up at a Target in Scranton and bought bikini tops and other useless items that our tired brains thought were necessary. We spent about 30 minutes sitting in a parking lot drinking red bull and farting…then back in the car to deal with a caffeine overdose and the realization that we were only going to sleep for 2 hours once we reached our hotel just outside the festival.
But wait more was in store for us, once we got to the hotel after driving for 12 hours my friend Shaina realized that the hotel room was accidentally booked three days ahead of the date we needed it. After scaring the shit out of the front desk man and having a short mental break down we decided that drinking the only bottle of wine we had in the car at 4am was the best option. We then drove to a near by diner and ate grilled cheese until it was time to get our car in line for our festival camp site. Shaina now not giving any fucks cut in front of a bunch of cars and we ended up being 10th in line.
We got our two campsites side by side and started to set up what we called Shanty Town, it was hilarious. Our canopy was built with safety pins and duck tape, decorated with shitty streamers and solar lights that barely worked. The tent was just a giant room with two air mattresses that we periodically would pass out in until the sun got too hot to handle.
I want to now describe each one of our “moments” on this trip, I mean the music was amazing, the bands were incredible, we met the nicest people, Jesse and Johnny Walker ( you two made our last night so wonderful and fun) but what really made this trip was the four of us trying to navigate our hangovers and events during the days and nights.
Shaina’s moment was when we were leaving on the last day, she was covered in face paint and still wasted. Our car had no gas and no power which thankfully was brought back to life by some guys Shaina had met while streaking around the camp grounds, she usually brought all the boys to our yard. She also mangled her body a number of times, one being pulling her shoulder out trying to help me put the canopy up.
Meghan’s moment was again on the last day when she couldn’t figure out how to open the gas canister. It was 36 degrees out and she had to manage all the craziness because let’s face it, the rest of us were pathetically useless. I think at one point she walked away for a breather until catching the horrible smell from the porter potties down the road.
Kate…well Kate had a bunch of moments but the best was one morning when we went and got breakfast sandwiches and headed back to the campsite. We were all sitting around eating and laughing when all of a sudden a piece of sandwich she was trying to put in her mouth just ejected from between her lips. Then she (for some reason) thought about how badly she had to poop and made herself gag that was followed by a burp. Then she tried to drink some PediaLite to try and calm the hangover which made her eject that all over the side of our camp blanket. And I will never forget the look on my dearest friends face after these events, dripping with liquid in crooked sunglasses and smelling like a bag of dicks, naturally I grabbed my disposable camera and snapped the moment. Oh and on the last day I slammed the car door on her arm and I seriously thought she was going to punch me in the throat…I’ve never in the 12 years I’ve known her seen her that angry, luckily we all know how to let things go and make the best of it even if it seems impossible.
My moment…well it wasn’t dramatic by any means, it was when we found out we were not sleeping in a comfy hotel bed. I had been up for 28 hours at this point and was about to spontaneously combust with tiredness. I got really really quiet, everyone else got in the car and I stayed outside, lit a smoke and leaned on the back tire of the SUV to think. I thought I had lost my mind, I got up took a big breath and notice that the trailer beside us had a case of bottled water taped down. I ripped the bag open grabbed a bottle and marched over to a BMW and drew a massive cock on their back window. For some reason that made me feel better, I got back in the car and was met by Meghan wearing jewelled sunglasses brandishing a bottle of red wine.
That was Firefly…in a nutshell.
Yesterday I was straight back to work on a film called The Double Date where I met more amazing people and got to create a really great story. I pushed myself through the day and made sure I was as professional as I could be to make the film, the clothing shine through the characters. My friend Thomas Dagg was the DP and brought me on, it was a fantastic crew and I made a lot of new contacts and friends. This is again why I love my work, it’s filled with amazing creative people who work just as hard to do what they want to do.

So there you have it folks, the short story for sure but honestly the last two weeks have blown my mind. The main reason is because of all the AMAZING people I have met, worked with, bonded with, created with, and laughed with. I always admire people who are selfless, kind, generous, creative and wear their heart and soul on their sleeves. Those are the people that I keep in my life and I have no time or effort to chase down or spend emotion on people that are selfish, competitive, flakey, mean, and don’t take people’s hearts seriously. The people that are meant to be in your life will easily fall into it, the people that aren’t will feel like a constant struggle and effort, so let those people go, as hard as it is, it’s not worth pulling out with heart strings for.

I’m so happy I’m back to blogging, I missed it and I missed sharing with all you beautiful amazing people that read it.

Happy happy Wednesday Loves!!!

– Casey Jane

Tunes for this post

Ellie Goulding – Anything Could Happen
The Lumineers – Ho Hey
Anthony De Costa – Across the Country
Haim – Forever
Selah Sue – Raggamuffin

Self Management: The Art of Kicking Your Own Ass

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Every now and then life starts giving you little hints, or big ones that a little self management is in order. You can either ignore it and wait for the shit storm to happen, or you can be aware of the hints and take a step back to reorganizing your life’s constant to-do list. I’ve gotten a lot better at being aware of these “hints” because for me they happen pretty quickly when I’m slacking a bit. I know the consequences of ignorance, I’ve learned the hard way a bunch of times and now that I don’t have a “normal” day job its even more crucial that I continue to motivate myself…even if its raining, I have cramps that feel like a loose wombat is in my uterus, it’s 25 degrees and all my friends are off to the island, and the list goes on.
There will always be something else you could be doing, but letting that ” Im missing out” feeling take hold is not the right answer. I mean if you have a day off, which everyone should, then yea go balls to the wall with excitement and adventure. I’m talking about the days where you know you have to do a lot, it’s racing in your mind, but tomorrow you could get it done right?
Your shooting yourself in the foot.
Being alive is work, I know that sounds hilarious but think of it this way, you can either exist in everyday just filling up the hours with distractions until the weekend where you fill it with more distractions. You can spend hours on Facebook, party every night, hangout with friends, smoke cigarettes, stare at the wall, and watch hours of Netflix.
OR
You can make a list of all the things that you want to do for yourself, things that will move your life forward, things that create the feeling of living. Read something that makes your think, learn a skill that you never knew before, look into that job you never thought you could have, exercise, and go explore places you never make time to explore.
Now as far as work goes because I never have the same day as the next I usually make a “Casey’s Work List” where I write out all the must do’s for the day. A lot of stuff in my work is time sensitive so I make sure that I put the most important stuff at the top or at the beginning of the week. Once I have all my work scheduled I then fill in the gaps of time for me stuff. There are some days where I don’t get the list done, there are some days where I do something completely different but I have that list that follows me and gets me back on track.
Last week was scattered, I let my social life take over a bit, it’s okay but you begin to realize that if your always available to hangout then your the one who isn’t doing anything for themselves. I did have a shoot and did a lot of shopping for the commercial I’m working on however the nights were filled with drinking wine and going out. Sunday morning I crashed and realized how cluttered my brain was with guilt, negativity, and anger towards myself. That was my hint and Im a much happier person when Im focused and sober, my creativity is more organized and the drive to kick ass comes back.

Give yourself a break but listen to your actions, they are yours and only yours to live with. Let go of things that hold you back and work hard at making your life awesome, cause who doesn’t love being awesome?
I recently watched this documentary on an artist named Wayne White called Beauty is Embarrassing. In it he explains that you’ve only got about 60 good years on this planet, that’s it, so fuck it, why wouldn’t you do what you love? And let me say that doing what you love can be taken a bunch of different ways, but to be successful at living you have to put passion into it, it has to create that ideal life you’ve always wanted. That’s the key is make the life you’ve always wanted because darlin you don’t have that much time on this Earth.

Alright that’s enough ranting and self justification for me, I think sometimes I write these posts for myself to read more then others…

Happy Monday Lovelies

– Casey Jane