The Night Casey Jane Entered Stage Left and The Symphony Was Drunk.

unnamed unnamed (1) unnamed (2) unnamed (3) unnamed (4)SMASH…

Enter stage left Ms Casey Jane sauntering into a bar after drinking a reverends wife’s yearly supply of wine. Thats 2 bottles and a magnum if you are wondering.The magnum is only when she holds her yearly Tupperware party with the ladies from her knitting club. Agnes is a REAL lush bag when they get into a biblical debate.We however drank all this before midnight, I even wore heels. Mainly because I wore them all day with no socks and didn’t want to alert the authorities that a dead body had been dumped on Queen West.

Entourage enters stage left consisting of one life partner named Justin Edwards. My incredible gay go getter that makes me feel like I’m fucking queen of the world, I also occasionally buy him brunch.
Its a rule between gay/straight life partners.
He took to the party like a conductor at a symphony and left on a man hunt faster than the road runner did when the coyote was getting too close. He’s also designing my apartment so he’s pretty much the full package and he’s mine you cant have him!

Our love is immaculate.

Anyway, I walked in thinking I would spend my time yelling derogatory slurs at my bar tending roommate. I thought I would sit down next to Meghan and get slapped and told how much she loved me. Hell I thought I would end up hammered in front of my oven cursing at it to make my pizza pockets faster.

And then, as if it was as natural as anything I sat down next to him.

Have you ever forgotten something? Like completely? Then out of the blue someone says something, shows you something or just is something and you wonder how you ever forgot it?

Funny isn’t it.

Over on Berkeley St I’ve become in love with putting my key in the door of my office every morning. Turning on the music, the lights, and now that spring is here opening the door to let the long awaited breeze flow in. The guys play fooseball late afternoon while the girls sit around our lounge area talking about escorts and prostitutes over lunch. We’re an amazing bunch that are creating extremely great work. The prostitute conversation expanded because of a mutual love for Pretty Woman, I mean Richard Gere…
COME ON!
I’d totally allow kissing.

Creative meetings, pitches, hallway conversations, conference calls filled with laughing and ideas. Our office is alive and I couldn’t be happier with where I am in life right now.

The homestead is still filled with the insanities of Casey and Tim trying to adult. We found out we have mice, so thats been fun. I keep naming them and then making a personal relationship with them, only I hate them.

Its hate.

Its a hate relationship.

Fred’s the worst cause he just sits in my kitchen staring at me like a smug fuck head.

The girls and I spent saturday getting day drunk and going to our friend Evely’s birthday party. We met for brunch and after the waitress feared we were getting sober poured us each a glass of wine all the way to the top. We ended up buying a birthday present consisting of a plant named Stuart McDick, a bouquet of Pussy Willows and a 4L box of white wine.

Looking back on it now its not a surprise the three of us ended up in a kiddy park trying to drive pedal cars…

Thats what the warm weather brings around here, well not belligerent females defacing a children’s playground. It just brings out life a little more, it brings people together longer and more intimate. My heart sings a lot louder when the sun hits my face when I crash out of my apartment at the start of the day. Warm weather means later nights in parks, longer sits on patios and backyard get togethers that make me you smile from the inside out. It also reminds me every single day I open my deer in headlight eyes that…

I am one lucky fucking bitch.

Spring is here Toronto.

Thanks for reading loves.

Tunes

Lord Huron – Meet Me In The Woods  My favourite album right now, in the words of my dear Kmo “Its my fucking favourite.”

Andy Shauf – Hometown Hero

Lord Huron – Luisa         Again, My fucking favourite.

Leon Bridges – River

Father John Misty – When You’re Smiling and Astride Me

Drew Holcomb & The Neighbors – American Beauty 

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Drops of Jupiter & My Letter to T Swift





There I go again, abondoning you, taking away that stupid blog you read about a girl that shares her life more than most people would like. 

How could I be such a tease, like vegan brownies. They look good but taste like if dirt had an asshole. 

Life’s been no short of a shit storm, changes are just slapping me in the face and I kinda like it. I finally crawled out of my living room and managed to get hired at a marketing and advertising agency. 

BOOM! 

How the fuck did I pull that off? Being relentless and not settling for a job that wasn’t going to move me forward. Some of my friends will call me stubborn, and they are right. I’m the mule that will kick you if you try and move me anywhere I don’t want to go but I will lick your face after. 

There’s no real reason behind me licking your face…

In friendship land Tim has been a king amongst men during my slow climb towards an adulthood lifestyle. Our place is still non stop profanities and hilarity. 

Last weekend I hung out with Tim while he Dj’d a funk party in Kensington market. We priviously had dinner that consisted of many drinks, yours truly crushed a bottle of Spanish wine to herself. This lead to me making a VERY wine lipped video of myself singing to Train “Drops of Jupiter” while Tim was in the shower. I met Tim later as I needed to shower the early drunk off me and up my hydration levels. 

I like arriving to a bar tipsy so as not to draw attention to myself too soon. Well alone at least, if I’m with the girls it’s anyone’s bet the level of drunk we’ve reached. 

Anyway so there I am doing drink runs for Tim and myself dancing with strangers and making fun of 20 year olds trying to grind to funk music. The end of the night came pretty quick and we invited a few people over. 

It gets hazy here but stay with me.

I remember I was flying between my room and the living room talking to everyone. I might have told off one of Tims aquaintinces for asking me where he could do coke. I MIGHT have put my hand in his face and walked out of my room, I MIGHT have.

Quickly afte that I went and passed out on Tim which made him have to carry me to bed. On the way to my room I apparently decided this was the best time to do a scissor kick. Tim dropped me, obviously, I was like a drunk deer trying to escape from absolutely nothing. I hit the floor and rolled over to face Tim with one eye open and said

“Faggot.”

We both started laughing as he finally got me in bed where I then made him cuddle me until I passed out. 

CANT YOU FEEL THE FRIENDSHIP FEELS!?!?!?

I’m back to being the lovely single piece of work I’ve grown to prefer. I don’t know if it’s me or who I choose to date or just a random sequence of events but a relationship still isn’t on the board for me. 

Which leads me to my discovery of the new Taylor Swift 1989 album that just got released. Two summers ago I had the privilege to work for T Swift at the Rogers centre for her Red tour. I did wardrobe and at the time I was gloriously single and creating dramatic romances in my off time boredom. I didn’t spend much time with the girl but we shared a moment backstage. I gabbed about my sex life with her dancers, I don’t doubt she listened in. 

Now I’m listening to this album and start seeing that indeed T Swift has stolen my sex life chronicals. Let’s be real, she’s always been the girl next door, the sweet dreamer, and the highly emotional. Maybe she was just drawing a blank on her regular sweet romance songs. Regardless I have written Ms Swift a letter to ask for royalties for my life rights that I believe I deserve. 

Note: You might want to listening to the songs ‘Blank Space” and “Style” before reading this letter. 

Hey T Swift, 

How’s that new hairstyle working for you? I guess the bangs got kinda annoying after awhile, specially after I kept getting mistaken for you backstage.  You were cool about it though, you were even inviting and we let loose and shared relationship delemas. Member that long list of ex lovers I shared while helping you into that ball gown? The suit and ties I was running around with and how a couple of them used to proclaim often that I was insane? 

Loves a game huh? Bitch I taught you that game when you sent your bouncer out to get us cigarettes and weed. 

No Taylor, the worst has come and I am completely dumbfounded you turned my ongoing midnight male meet up into the pop dream that is “Style”.  It’s nothing new that every single girl has that one James Dean type that just shows up out of the blue every now and then. You know, the one you can’t not go home with even if you want to punch them for not calling you for months. I just don’t think you have it in you T Swift to pull something like this off without falling into a tub of ice cream in your unicorn pjs. 

Yes I know about the unicorn pjs.

So I’d  like my royalties made out in cash please. There’s no need to get dramatic about it, I get it, my stories are ridiculous inspirations for pop songs. I didn’t ask for this life but I’m living it out the best I can. 

You can keep the selfies I took with your phone, they are just of me on the toilet. 

Hang in there T Swift, one day you’ll be the harlequin you so badly want to be. Just ask Lindsey Lohan, I did wonders for her aside from being a drug hoovering crack bag. 

Your Bae, Casey Jane. 

Thanks for reading loves, I’ll be back more frequently. 

15 Times Your Friends Made You Understand Life Better Than Oprah

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First off, thank you to everyone who read and shared my last post on “27 Things You Can Still Do When You’re 27.”I have decided to continue writing in list format. I am an avid reader of the notorious time killing website Buzzfeed and have decided that not only are lists fun to write, they are also easy to edit.
Also because I’ve been making up lists since my last post, I’ve got some golden ones like,

“10 times your poop scared you into thinking about your life choices.”
Or
“20 times being drunk brought you closer to becoming the glorious human that you are.”

They’re good right?

RIGHT?!?!

Friends at this age are one of the most important parts of our lives. We tell them everything, they’re like a therapist who also needs a therapist that you get drunk with. They are the ones at 3am that suggest riding the elevator in their condo while hot boxing it is the only thing in life worth doing. They are also the ones that you can call on when you’re 3/4’s into a bottle of wine on a Tuesday. Maybe you just want to hear their voice, maybe something troubling happened in your job, or maaaaaybe you called your ex and left a drunken one way conversation on his answer machine.

Whatever that never happened…

Here’s the list,

15 Times Your Friends Made You Understand Life Better Than Oprah.

1. That time you all went out for lunch and just ended up ordering wine and talking about weird penises you’ve all encountered. I was once with a guy that had a penis that curved up…

It was like a boomerang, he wasn’t even Austrialian.

2. Having the comfort of knowing that every morning you will have at least one poop talk with one of your friends.

Fuck you webMD you don’t know what “normal” is.

3. When you and all your friends are poor but your combined poor ness equals a magnum of red wine.

“There are 5 of us and we all $3.00 so we can buy one magnum, MATH!”

4. Those moments at a bar when you all decide dancing with sweaters pulled over your heads is really, really funny.

“WE’RE HUMAN DISCO HELICOPTERS.”

And oddly no one got laid that night…

5. Drunk food missions, not one in particular, they all seem to go down the same way where one of you is yelling “I Love You” to a box of Pad Thai while you all zig zag along Queen West.

6. When you have to move, your friends will always help for pizza and beer.

Well unless you’re moving onto the 5th floor of a walk up. I want strippers and blow for dealing with that shit.

7. Saying “Remember that time?” And referencing 12 years ago when you all got wasted and ended up rolling down the hill of Riverdale park at 1am.

8. Having that best friend who’s the opposite sex that knows all your gross habits and relationship anxieties.

These are usually the friends you make a “If we’re still single at 40” pact with because the free fall into spinsterhood is a terrifying thought.

9. That moment after you all eat a massive amount of food and start to compare and name your food babies.

If you don’t know what a food baby is than you have what I believe is called “self control.”

10. That constant fear that one day, at anytime, one of your best friends will take that leap and send you a photo of their poop.

I live everyday like it’s my last…

11. Farts will always be funny with your besties.

“I had to leave my apartment…it was that bad.”

12. That time you needed an alibi to get out of a work conference and had your friend pretend to be your doctor.

“Yes I am afraid she has herpies on her knees.”

13. Always having people that give just as less fucks as you.

“I was going to shower and then I realized all I had to do today was meet up with you.”

14. One of you ALWAYS has a flask on them because you never know.

You never know.

15. Those moments when life’s got you down and you see your best pal update their Instagram with a photo of them on the toilet at work.

It’s the little things in life.

The Lovely Self Saboteur

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Christmas and New Years are now over and everyone in Toronto is nursing a hangover. The holidays are always a little hard for me, I’m usually broke and going through freelance vacancy. This year was nice as I played host to my family. My Oma (which is Dutch for Grandmother) was diagnosed with Dementia this year, its been really hard to see her mind go deeper into the disease. She isn’t at the point where she doesn’t know who we are but she still has moments where she thinks shes been robbed. Luckily my family has a great sense of humor and are quick to turn a somewhat sad moment into a punch line.

Booze also helps.

Now if you think I was able to pull off an entire Christmas dinner you clearly also believe that I am a 4 foot old Asian man. There is no way this lady can orchestrate the cooking of a 10 pound turkey with even the idea of putting my hand up its ass and stuffing it full of bread crumbs and rosemary. My family had taken the safe road and decided to order our meal from a restaurant. All I had to do was pour myself a glass of wine and throw everything neatly packed into the oven with very clear temperature directions. I had some anxieties about over cooking the turkey but it tasted amazing and so the rest of the family shenanigans were able to continue.

5 Tuninga things that happened that night.

1. My Oma got too drunk and had to take a nap in my room under all our coats.
2. My Dad for the first time called me a bitch for convincing my brother to eat a quarter when he was 5 years old. I had not realized he didn’t know I was behind the whole thing.
3. My brother calling my dads phone saying he was on his way and my dad answering his phone “Gangster” by saying loudly “Motherfucker”.
4. It only took us 5 minutes to roll a joint after knowing my Oma was fast asleep.
5. I ended up falling asleep on my floor until my roommate put me to bed.

Needless to say we were all very hungover Christmas Day.

I woke this morning and went for a run, I almost threw up, I was at the 3k mark and started to feel the toll of the last couple weeks. In the past month I’ve found out I’m loosing my assisting job, I was broken up with, and my family has been going through a landslide of developing mental illnesses. I thought I could just push myself through it, go to all the holiday parties with a smile and shrug it off.

It doesn’t work like that though, next thing you know you wake up in your bed not knowing how you even got there. As you know I am now 27 and realistically should not be wondering where my feet have taken me the night before. I am one of those lovely self saboteur’s that when things get bad I make them worse. Every time I lift myself out of a spell like this I tell myself “never again” and I launch myself back into a positive place. It keeps happening, I’ve been trying to break this cycle for years and I think it was worse this time because I was finally feeling like I had my life together.

Clearly I was not anywhere near where I am supposed to be. I have this theory that if you ignore your gut long enough it will make decisions for you. I knew deep down that all these things were meant to happen but the problem is I get so swept up in the emotion of drastic change that I forget to look at it rationally. I go back to being a joke at a party, I dress myself up only to hide the freak outs that are going on in my head. I know what I need to change but I don’t feel like I deserve to make the change.

I was never good at taking the easy road, actually I’m not even good at finding it.

I’m by no means playing a pity card or trying to sound like a victim. These are all choices I actively made, its the bad habits that I let happen again and again. I’m aware of them, I just don’t always listen to them and that is when I get hurt or hurt someone else. Whether it be a stranger or a close friend, unintentionally they get wrapped up in my mission to fuck myself up.

It’s a wake up call that should not be ignored.

The silver lining is that throughout this month I still can clearly see that beautiful little life I want to lead. I can still see all the possibilities and opportunities that could come my way. Not once do I ever say “I give up” to myself and I believe its because I still love myself under all this crap shoot drama I make. I know I am a good person, I have the most wonderful people around me. My biggest fear is that my sabotaging habits will push these beautiful people away from me, I think that is one of the main things that snap me back to reality.

I know I am not alone in feeling like this from time to time. I know I am not the first 27 year old woman to look at their life and wonder how the fuck they got there. I spend hours thinking about all my good qualities and all my faults, I do the balancing act of which qualities come out more. I’m trying to focus on my strengths but having self doubt as an artist just adds to the struggling motivation. I sometimes feel like the dumbest person alive, like I missed the boat on living a normal life, I worry I missed the boat on a lot of things.

Although I can look at an article of clothing, take it home, and create my own version of it. I can look at a photograph and paint it almost exactly the same. I can people watch or read something that helps me create a story through clothing on a freelance styling job. I can see a display in a window on Queen Street and recreate it in my apartment for my roommate and I to enjoy. Better yet I can look around at my apartment, the clothes I own, the food I eat, that all comes from me being creative. I make a living and I choose to make a living creating things. Its not the easiest profession, a lot of people think you’re crazy, a lot of people think you’re lucky, and some have no idea how your life is lived.

I’m excited for the New Year, I wouldn’t mind a fresh new slate. I’ll spend the next couple days letting go of negative things, writing out all the things I want for 2015, and telling the people that matter to me how important they are in my life. There is a lot of potential out there if you work for it.The things that are worth the most are sometimes the things you put everything on the line for, they are the things in life that make it worth living. This year I am going to work for everything, my family, my friends, and my career, maybe even a relationship.

Life goes on and I don’t want to be the one left behind.

 

Ben Howard – Conrad 

Gary Clark Jr – Things are Changing

Hozier  – Work Song

 

What the Fuck Am I Doing? A 27 Year Olds Dilemma.

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I have gone under the radar again as far as wanting to share my life lately. I can’t say since I’ve been back things went right back to normal. They all changed as they do at this stage in my little existence. It’s funny looking back at myself, it’s embarrassing how many things I ignored that were so blatantly wrong. Being away from home for 26 days didn’t seem to have changed me much when I was in the thick of it.

I came back to a new roommate and adjusted accordingly, actually very comfortably. I really lucked out with Tim and I know he lucked out with me.

“Cough”

Because I’m awesome.

“Cough”

I guess we both were meant to end up under the same roof because it’s been so lovely in my humble downtown apartment. By lovely I mean the two of us laughing until our faces hurt. I feel like I’m back in my acting days making up voices, tag lines, and puns that make Tim’s face contort into someone who’s having a stroke. I love nothing more than to be a full blown idiot in my house and it’s nice to have someone who shares in it. Tim’s already had to carry me to bed, let me in because I forgot my keys, and more consistently dealt with me hungover.

Needless to say we are getting along swimmingly.

In booze.

It’s winter, we all turn into functioning alcoholics this time a year, it’s the spirit of Christmas!

I recently received the title of single again in the last few weeks which wasn’t the worst. The first two days I went into full female breakup mode, you know, wear the same sweater/yoga pant ensemble while your friends funnel wine down your throat.

At that point I thought about how I really felt, away from the comfort of companionship, away from the prospects, away from the fear of being alone.

Was I really happy?

The answer was no, I wasn’t anymore.

I’m at a point now where I ask myself this question a lot to kind of let my gut have a moment to put her two cents in. I sometimes ignore it or Im well aware that something needs to change. Sometimes it does this real fun thing where it makes the decision you won’t make regardless of your actions. Those are the times you learn something, at least for me it’s always another hint that I need to listen to myself just a little harder.

I’m ok being alone as long as I’m happy, I’m not shutting myself down either. I made a promise to myself that I would never allow something in my past to affect a new opportunity. I’d never want that done to me and yet it has been done to me a few times. It’s no biggy, people just have a hard time letting go, they don’t give themselves time to do it, it’s a really sad thing.
So here I am hurdled back into single-hood having to make sure my hair is brushed and socks are matched. Ok, the sock matching is never going to happen because clearly ALL my socks divorce one another once they reach the laundry mat.

That reminds me I have to put socks on my wish list…

Work life is all over the map right now, I’m in a vortex of transition. I find being 27 is a roller coaster of “WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING” moments mixed with social dilemmas of “How much wine do I have to drink to be brave enough to talk to that cute guy?”
I want to go back into costuming, I miss story telling with clothing, I miss the work ethic and the environment. My training has always stemmed from my love for the stage, that’s how this whole wardrobe love started. It’s not an easy transition to make in this economy, in this overly competitive, who you know society.

However I do have this annoying habit of being relentless in getting what I want.

I blame being a Leo and a product of an Irish woman and Dutch man.

I’m back to freelancing, I’ll be in survival mode for the next month but things always have a way of leading me to where I need to be. I’ll reach out to those who have helped me in the past, I’ll bombard the internet with my CV and website, and I’ll be patient. In the meantime I’ll be back to making money here, there, and everywhere.

Tonight will be the girls annual secret Santa and we’ve all agreed to make a gift. Needless to say we’ll probably all be getting Pinterest fails while each gift comes with a bottle of wine as an apology for the ball of glue and glitter given. By the end of the night we’ll all be in animal onesies explaining the process of creating each horrendous craft.

I love my friends.

They are what make me believe I’m a good person and that I do attract the love that I put out. Seeing my close friends interact at this stage in my life is incredible. I know I’m loving because they are, I know I’m strong because each one of them exudes it, and I know I care about myself because they really care about themselves.

You can’t have friends like that unless you can give yourself that same love. I’m convinced that even in my most doubtful moments I think about who I have around me and know everything will be ok. I know my friends are loyal and always will be. They are a constant reminder of how much I have to take care of myself and take care of their friendship.

It’s family after all.

Happy Holidays Lovelies,

I’ll be hosting the Tuninga family dinner this year so I’ll be sure to report back with pictures of my father parading around in an Ozzy Osbourne wig screaming “MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS”.

Paris Happened, I’m Back to Reality, Shits Getting Real.

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Paris was everything anyone has ever said about Paris, that’s why people love it, it’s a sure thing. I’m not saying that in a bad way, it was romantic and fairytale like. Our apartment was situated in the heart of said la la land and we spent our last days in Europe soaking up ALL the wine, pastries, ALL the baguette, and ALL the cheese.

The problem with this blog sometimes is that I usually write it in the moment of something in my life. In Paris I was writing the Berlin blog and by the time I got home I was hit with so much that Paris literally felt like a dream. I will also mention that coming home after 26 days really makes you want to turn everything off and slip into that bed you forgot you owned. I was lucky my boyfriend chose to stick around and was willing to hack it long distance styles with me. It’s not common to find someone who knows the value of travel and the value of you.

I came home to a new roommate, he’s non stop hilarity in all the good ways. I swear our first night was spent laying on the floor, drinking bourbon, and chain smoking until 4am. We’ve actually known each other and been buddies since the 9th grade. Yup, became close friends when we were pimply, I had braces, and awkward as fuck. We also dated and went to prom together. That ended in us downing a Micky of whiskey each, getting into a huge fight in the middle of a street in the beaches, and both of us going home with someone else.

It’s amazing how time and maturity can create a lasting bond right?

My career…well has taken a little detour, as it should, because you should never get too comfortable. Maybe I should never get too comfortable, it seems whenever I do shit hits the fan and I’m scrambling for an umbrella. It’s not a bad thing, it’s a learning thing, it’s a chance to grow thing, and it’s a time to get my big head out of the clouds thing.

At these crisis moments I always take a step back and go over all my work, I make lists of the skills I’ve learned so far, and I look at the brand of me that I’ve made. Usually at this point I have a hundred cigarettes and wonder how the hell I got to this point. I start thinking about all the things that have happened to me in the last 2 years, the wine gets opened, and it’s 9:30pm on a Tuesday with me drunk listening to folk music surrounded by papers.

It’s like a scene right out of the coo coo’s nest…

The next day is when I start the actual rational work, you know, look for opportunities, not drunk. I love the job I have now, I get to do every aspect of my talent, I just want more. My boss is one of my favourite humans, he’s fair, he teaches me, and he respects work ethic. Even if I’m off and I get stir crazy I can go in to the studio and create something. However like any business you need to be inspired, you need new surroundings to add to growth. This is my next step, I think at least, to go out and learn more skills. I know there are some crucial career moves I still need to make and I can’t if I don’t have the tools to do it with. It’s fucking terrifying, I have to learn software programs, I have to learn more about photography, I have to learn how to fully grade a pattern.

What the fuck did I get myself into…

Makes me wish this were like the movies and I could play the next couple months out through a montage.

That is totally one wish I would use if I found a genie in a bottle, montage abilities, uh win. And obviously you could pick the song that was going to play out, that’s essential.

Unfortunately I’ll have to play all this out in real time, I have until March to learn some new skills. It’s winter time, what else realistically will I be doing? Drinking wine, making soup, and learning design software.

Guys, I’m so cool.

I’m going to woo the boyfriend with sultry text messages about French sewing stitches and my ability to add layers to a PDF file.

To be real though, this is actually terrifying while simultaneously exciting. I don’t want to make this seem like it was an easy decision. Half of it I barely had a choice in, when you know, you just know. It’s like anything else, when you know you like someone, you know. If you are a mature adult, have self awareness then these things become loud and clear. You stop wasting time on the half assed feelings about anything and everything.

If you are half adult and an aware female you go through a obstacle course of emotions before you realize anything and everything that actually matters.

I knew for awhile that I needed to take a step back, it was a fight with my ego. It was silly thinking I could coast on everything I’ve built so far, it’s not enough. I have the talent of learning creative skills and I learn them pretty quickly when I get my drive in the right place. I know what I am capable of and I’m glad I have the life alarm bells that tell me when it’s time to switch up the game.

Time for more hard work, much more wine, and by March I’ll have a new batch of skills to put towards the professional artist title I so boldly hold.

If you need me I’ll be the jittery one in a giant blanket scarf in the corner of Jimmy’s coffee shop in the market.

Tunes
Gregory Alan Isakov – Dandelion Wine
Ezra Vine – Celeste
Pieta Brown & Amos Lee – Do you know

A Battlefield, A Hitch, And A Fear To Fart.

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I’m checking in before I check out to Europe in 2 weeks, it’s happening and I’m insanely excited. This trip signifies a lot for me, it’s an accomplishment. A spawn of all the other accomplishments I’ve had the last couple years. All the sacrifices, all the things I had to give up, the people I had to walk away from. It sounds a little dramatic but I feel like I’m standing at the end of a battlefield just as the dust begins to settle. I don’t know if I won, or if that actually happens in life; it’s not really a competition.

I do know that I am happy to not fight for a little bit.
Like…three weeks.
Then I’ll strap on my guns again.
But I need those fuckin three weeks like Lindsey Lohan needs periodical rehab visits.
A LOT!!!

Everything else in my life is extremely amazing, which is freaking me the fuck out. My friends are still disastrously perfect as was exhibited last weekend at our first Drunk Ladies and Gentlemen BBQ. The boyfriend and I were on a mission to kill our sobriety after a week of freelance life on both our ends. There we all were, all the hitched ladies and the men we’ve seduced for various lengths of time. Let’s face it, we’re not normal, which was eloquently shown through Sarah’s opinion of The BF’s football choice. She dead stared him while burping and then blew said burp in his general direction…

This woman is teaching our children for the future.
And this happened at the dinner table.
Where food was.

I’m settling into this new shift in life, I’m really open to everything and content with the choices I’m making. The cool thing is that I’m not hiding anything from anyone. I am who I am, I have bad parts and I have beautiful parts. I’ll constantly make myself better but I’m not about to change anything I don’t want to. When you go into things bare boned you learn quickly if it’s right for you or not. That took me an exceptionally long ass time to learn and I still have to check in with myself.

Now this being said I’m still terrified to do a few things and I’ve made a list of new fears that haunt my daily existence.

1) Farting for the first time in front of my man.
2) my life is too good and I’m going to fuck it up.
3) Spiders crawling into my nostrils…I read something I shouldn’t have.
4) The designer I work for ( Mark Foreman) is going to clone me and then I’m going to get back from Europe and have to kill the clone.
5) Getting a new roommate after Kate…what if they don’t get my weirdness?
6) I’m still not working hard enough.

The trick is knowing what you’re afraid of, really asking yourself “hey pal do you like spiders? And then promptly shivering and saying a big NOPE to that shit.

My work is a mash up between my two favourite things:
Styling for Harlequin Romance Novels
Assisting a Canadian Designer and operating a workshop/boutique

It’s all groovy on my end, however I would like to make a plan of action to rise above the poverty level, but hey that takes time too. I’ve got my two dream jobs and happily have not stepped back into the realm of many many part time positions.
THATS something to be thankful for.
I think back to just a couple months ago still feeling the struggle. I remember when it broke, the struggle stopped and I was left at the edge of that dwindling battlefield.

And this is the part where I tell you to keep fighting until you feel that silence . It’s bittersweet, it’s the ending of an era for you. Yes, you’ll have many more battles to fight but when you win the career building war. When you brake into that new world the game changes and it’s the best fucking feeling you could ever imagine.

Thanks for reading loves,

Xox

Tunes
Vance Joy – Emmylou
Vance Joy – Mess is Mine
Vance Joy – My Kind of Man