Drops of Jupiter & My Letter to T Swift





There I go again, abondoning you, taking away that stupid blog you read about a girl that shares her life more than most people would like. 

How could I be such a tease, like vegan brownies. They look good but taste like if dirt had an asshole. 

Life’s been no short of a shit storm, changes are just slapping me in the face and I kinda like it. I finally crawled out of my living room and managed to get hired at a marketing and advertising agency. 

BOOM! 

How the fuck did I pull that off? Being relentless and not settling for a job that wasn’t going to move me forward. Some of my friends will call me stubborn, and they are right. I’m the mule that will kick you if you try and move me anywhere I don’t want to go but I will lick your face after. 

There’s no real reason behind me licking your face…

In friendship land Tim has been a king amongst men during my slow climb towards an adulthood lifestyle. Our place is still non stop profanities and hilarity. 

Last weekend I hung out with Tim while he Dj’d a funk party in Kensington market. We priviously had dinner that consisted of many drinks, yours truly crushed a bottle of Spanish wine to herself. This lead to me making a VERY wine lipped video of myself singing to Train “Drops of Jupiter” while Tim was in the shower. I met Tim later as I needed to shower the early drunk off me and up my hydration levels. 

I like arriving to a bar tipsy so as not to draw attention to myself too soon. Well alone at least, if I’m with the girls it’s anyone’s bet the level of drunk we’ve reached. 

Anyway so there I am doing drink runs for Tim and myself dancing with strangers and making fun of 20 year olds trying to grind to funk music. The end of the night came pretty quick and we invited a few people over. 

It gets hazy here but stay with me.

I remember I was flying between my room and the living room talking to everyone. I might have told off one of Tims aquaintinces for asking me where he could do coke. I MIGHT have put my hand in his face and walked out of my room, I MIGHT have.

Quickly afte that I went and passed out on Tim which made him have to carry me to bed. On the way to my room I apparently decided this was the best time to do a scissor kick. Tim dropped me, obviously, I was like a drunk deer trying to escape from absolutely nothing. I hit the floor and rolled over to face Tim with one eye open and said

“Faggot.”

We both started laughing as he finally got me in bed where I then made him cuddle me until I passed out. 

CANT YOU FEEL THE FRIENDSHIP FEELS!?!?!?

I’m back to being the lovely single piece of work I’ve grown to prefer. I don’t know if it’s me or who I choose to date or just a random sequence of events but a relationship still isn’t on the board for me. 

Which leads me to my discovery of the new Taylor Swift 1989 album that just got released. Two summers ago I had the privilege to work for T Swift at the Rogers centre for her Red tour. I did wardrobe and at the time I was gloriously single and creating dramatic romances in my off time boredom. I didn’t spend much time with the girl but we shared a moment backstage. I gabbed about my sex life with her dancers, I don’t doubt she listened in. 

Now I’m listening to this album and start seeing that indeed T Swift has stolen my sex life chronicals. Let’s be real, she’s always been the girl next door, the sweet dreamer, and the highly emotional. Maybe she was just drawing a blank on her regular sweet romance songs. Regardless I have written Ms Swift a letter to ask for royalties for my life rights that I believe I deserve. 

Note: You might want to listening to the songs ‘Blank Space” and “Style” before reading this letter. 

Hey T Swift, 

How’s that new hairstyle working for you? I guess the bangs got kinda annoying after awhile, specially after I kept getting mistaken for you backstage.  You were cool about it though, you were even inviting and we let loose and shared relationship delemas. Member that long list of ex lovers I shared while helping you into that ball gown? The suit and ties I was running around with and how a couple of them used to proclaim often that I was insane? 

Loves a game huh? Bitch I taught you that game when you sent your bouncer out to get us cigarettes and weed. 

No Taylor, the worst has come and I am completely dumbfounded you turned my ongoing midnight male meet up into the pop dream that is “Style”.  It’s nothing new that every single girl has that one James Dean type that just shows up out of the blue every now and then. You know, the one you can’t not go home with even if you want to punch them for not calling you for months. I just don’t think you have it in you T Swift to pull something like this off without falling into a tub of ice cream in your unicorn pjs. 

Yes I know about the unicorn pjs.

So I’d  like my royalties made out in cash please. There’s no need to get dramatic about it, I get it, my stories are ridiculous inspirations for pop songs. I didn’t ask for this life but I’m living it out the best I can. 

You can keep the selfies I took with your phone, they are just of me on the toilet. 

Hang in there T Swift, one day you’ll be the harlequin you so badly want to be. Just ask Lindsey Lohan, I did wonders for her aside from being a drug hoovering crack bag. 

Your Bae, Casey Jane. 

Thanks for reading loves, I’ll be back more frequently. 

27 Things You Can Still Do When You’re 27

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Recently my best friend Kmo posted this article “27 things you MUST say goodbye to at 27” and it sparked a rage inside me that I haven’t felt since my convenience store switched their pizza pocket brand to McCain.
Having my own blog and being 27 I have decided to retaliate against this writer who clearly has an extensive Cosmo magazine collection and found her sexuality through a tampon commercial.

Unfortunately you will need to read her list before mine for dramatic effect and hilarity.

Without further hesitation I give you Casey Janes’ 27 things you ARE still doing at 27 and it’s ok.

1. Bagels? Really? You brought the holiest (pun intended) breakfast food into being 27? I ate 3 sandwiches last night in less than 2 hours at 10pm and felt the sweet freedom of being an adult. And how DARE you smite cream cheese, it is the spread of the gods!
Your body is still young enough to work that out and have an incredible morning poop story to text to your girlfriends/guyfriends.

2. One day birthday? You know who has one day birthdays? My dad because he’s 56 and gets so hammered that he has to put a restraining order out on himself from his liver.
Oh, and that guy on University Ave that yells about Armageddon.
That guy still thinks it’s the year 1300.
You have every right to ruin your best friends lives for a week for the sake of getting older.

3. “Just because” vacations are over.
I don’t know if this woman met all her friends at a bridal show or a country club but I’m calling bullshit on this one.
Actually I’m calling bullshit on the whole article but that’s beside the point.
I recently got back from a 26 day European trip that cost me $1800 dollars and only $188 of that was spent on accommodation. It was amazing, it was hilarious and I plan on traveling to LA in March. I am also a bridesmaid in 2 weddings and each bride gets shit faced drunk in animal onesies at my place twice a month.

4. I’m sorry, babies?
Half of us are still using Tinder as a delivery service while the other half are trying to remember if we have enough in our savings account to buy wine for the night.

5. Is this woman some weird estrogen werewolf? When the lights come on does she instantly grow hair out of every orifice and start drooling?
I’ve partied with people in their 30’s who are the last ones at the 24 hr pho restaurant debating having a game of Catan and smoking weed. I look forward to Saturday bed picnics and multiple naps.
BECAUSE IM AN ADULT AND I CAN DO WHAT I WANT!
Also I’m no treat at 2am when the lights come on but you better believe I give ZERO fucks about my physical appearance.

6,7,8. Tell that to my bank account and Anne Taylor? Really? Might as well just sew your vagina up and pick a husband out of the line at the Staples business depot around the corner.

9. If I want to put a bejewelled head band on and drop MDMA at a music festival in Barrie I will.
I.
Will.

10. Who the fuck wears rainbow sandals?

11. Ooooooooooo somebody didn’t get into that law school they told everyone they were going to.

12. The only reason, ONLY reason I don’t wear white is because I can’t afford dry cleaning and red wine and pizza sauce stains are a bitch to get out.

13. Yes Tweens are indeed taking over midnight movies everywhere, it’s a real epidemic. Although they are the perfect scape goat when the theatre attendant tries to catch you drinking a tetra pack of Chardonnay.
“It OBVIOUSLY belongs to the 16 year old, officer.”
“Mam, I’m not an officer and you still have the straw in your mouth.”

14. VERY SERIOUS CAREER…
Here I’ll get serious, very serious.
Never stop exploring your options, never think that how you are evolving in your career depends on a formula. The most successful people I know started off doing one thing that lead to something they absolutely love. There is no race you need to win and you can certainly have fun while building a successful fulfilling career.
Also don’t forget to live, a lot of us think we need to shut ourselves off and put all our attention to our career. I have been one of those and you miss out on a lot of moments and opportunities.
It’s all about balance.

15. What old white man parties is this lady going to?

16. What I want to know is what is your standard of “ratty?”
Last summer I wore a pair of my roommates black satin underwear and a bikini top that I bought at a Target in Pennsylvania.
I still got laid.

17. YOU CANT TAKE BACKSTREET BOYS AWAY FROM ME!!!

18. Hey if I’m doubled over my toilet because of day old Indian food, I have every right to be late for my doctors appointment.
I’m actually doing him a favour, I’m like a modern day Mother Theresa.

19. My mother and I fight about who that actor was in that movie that had the thing happen in it.
It is a glorious spectacle and I would never give that up.

20. I can’t afford cable so…

21. I don’t have a grudge, they were legit idiots.

22. Unless I have a date or my roommate comments on my appearance I am ok with going 2 days without showering. These are usually the days I spend watching hours of CSI Miami while job hunting on my couch.

23. NO! You do not bring themed parties into this!
As my readers know I have monthly costume parties at my place and I will continue this tradition until I’m dead. I look forward to the day my kids come home and find me and their aunts dressed like cowboy flapper girls singing Dolly Parton’s 9-5.

24. I read the news…that Marmaduke, he kills me.

25. But then how are you supposed to laugh at her when he says he’s married?

26. Oh yea cause adding each photo at a time is totally better.

27. Just remember ladies, Keggles count as your daily exercise.

Thanks for reading and remember, you are still young and there is nothing you should or should not be doing at any age.
Well…
Maybe pooping yourself, if you’re 27 and pooping yourself I think you have bigger problems than this list.

Tunes

Dolly Parton – Nine to Five
Backstreet Boys – I Want It That Way
Father John Misty – Chateau #4 (In C for Two Virgins)

The Lovely Self Saboteur

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Christmas and New Years are now over and everyone in Toronto is nursing a hangover. The holidays are always a little hard for me, I’m usually broke and going through freelance vacancy. This year was nice as I played host to my family. My Oma (which is Dutch for Grandmother) was diagnosed with Dementia this year, its been really hard to see her mind go deeper into the disease. She isn’t at the point where she doesn’t know who we are but she still has moments where she thinks shes been robbed. Luckily my family has a great sense of humor and are quick to turn a somewhat sad moment into a punch line.

Booze also helps.

Now if you think I was able to pull off an entire Christmas dinner you clearly also believe that I am a 4 foot old Asian man. There is no way this lady can orchestrate the cooking of a 10 pound turkey with even the idea of putting my hand up its ass and stuffing it full of bread crumbs and rosemary. My family had taken the safe road and decided to order our meal from a restaurant. All I had to do was pour myself a glass of wine and throw everything neatly packed into the oven with very clear temperature directions. I had some anxieties about over cooking the turkey but it tasted amazing and so the rest of the family shenanigans were able to continue.

5 Tuninga things that happened that night.

1. My Oma got too drunk and had to take a nap in my room under all our coats.
2. My Dad for the first time called me a bitch for convincing my brother to eat a quarter when he was 5 years old. I had not realized he didn’t know I was behind the whole thing.
3. My brother calling my dads phone saying he was on his way and my dad answering his phone “Gangster” by saying loudly “Motherfucker”.
4. It only took us 5 minutes to roll a joint after knowing my Oma was fast asleep.
5. I ended up falling asleep on my floor until my roommate put me to bed.

Needless to say we were all very hungover Christmas Day.

I woke this morning and went for a run, I almost threw up, I was at the 3k mark and started to feel the toll of the last couple weeks. In the past month I’ve found out I’m loosing my assisting job, I was broken up with, and my family has been going through a landslide of developing mental illnesses. I thought I could just push myself through it, go to all the holiday parties with a smile and shrug it off.

It doesn’t work like that though, next thing you know you wake up in your bed not knowing how you even got there. As you know I am now 27 and realistically should not be wondering where my feet have taken me the night before. I am one of those lovely self saboteur’s that when things get bad I make them worse. Every time I lift myself out of a spell like this I tell myself “never again” and I launch myself back into a positive place. It keeps happening, I’ve been trying to break this cycle for years and I think it was worse this time because I was finally feeling like I had my life together.

Clearly I was not anywhere near where I am supposed to be. I have this theory that if you ignore your gut long enough it will make decisions for you. I knew deep down that all these things were meant to happen but the problem is I get so swept up in the emotion of drastic change that I forget to look at it rationally. I go back to being a joke at a party, I dress myself up only to hide the freak outs that are going on in my head. I know what I need to change but I don’t feel like I deserve to make the change.

I was never good at taking the easy road, actually I’m not even good at finding it.

I’m by no means playing a pity card or trying to sound like a victim. These are all choices I actively made, its the bad habits that I let happen again and again. I’m aware of them, I just don’t always listen to them and that is when I get hurt or hurt someone else. Whether it be a stranger or a close friend, unintentionally they get wrapped up in my mission to fuck myself up.

It’s a wake up call that should not be ignored.

The silver lining is that throughout this month I still can clearly see that beautiful little life I want to lead. I can still see all the possibilities and opportunities that could come my way. Not once do I ever say “I give up” to myself and I believe its because I still love myself under all this crap shoot drama I make. I know I am a good person, I have the most wonderful people around me. My biggest fear is that my sabotaging habits will push these beautiful people away from me, I think that is one of the main things that snap me back to reality.

I know I am not alone in feeling like this from time to time. I know I am not the first 27 year old woman to look at their life and wonder how the fuck they got there. I spend hours thinking about all my good qualities and all my faults, I do the balancing act of which qualities come out more. I’m trying to focus on my strengths but having self doubt as an artist just adds to the struggling motivation. I sometimes feel like the dumbest person alive, like I missed the boat on living a normal life, I worry I missed the boat on a lot of things.

Although I can look at an article of clothing, take it home, and create my own version of it. I can look at a photograph and paint it almost exactly the same. I can people watch or read something that helps me create a story through clothing on a freelance styling job. I can see a display in a window on Queen Street and recreate it in my apartment for my roommate and I to enjoy. Better yet I can look around at my apartment, the clothes I own, the food I eat, that all comes from me being creative. I make a living and I choose to make a living creating things. Its not the easiest profession, a lot of people think you’re crazy, a lot of people think you’re lucky, and some have no idea how your life is lived.

I’m excited for the New Year, I wouldn’t mind a fresh new slate. I’ll spend the next couple days letting go of negative things, writing out all the things I want for 2015, and telling the people that matter to me how important they are in my life. There is a lot of potential out there if you work for it.The things that are worth the most are sometimes the things you put everything on the line for, they are the things in life that make it worth living. This year I am going to work for everything, my family, my friends, and my career, maybe even a relationship.

Life goes on and I don’t want to be the one left behind.

 

Ben Howard – Conrad 

Gary Clark Jr – Things are Changing

Hozier  – Work Song

 

What the Fuck Am I Doing? A 27 Year Olds Dilemma.

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I have gone under the radar again as far as wanting to share my life lately. I can’t say since I’ve been back things went right back to normal. They all changed as they do at this stage in my little existence. It’s funny looking back at myself, it’s embarrassing how many things I ignored that were so blatantly wrong. Being away from home for 26 days didn’t seem to have changed me much when I was in the thick of it.

I came back to a new roommate and adjusted accordingly, actually very comfortably. I really lucked out with Tim and I know he lucked out with me.

“Cough”

Because I’m awesome.

“Cough”

I guess we both were meant to end up under the same roof because it’s been so lovely in my humble downtown apartment. By lovely I mean the two of us laughing until our faces hurt. I feel like I’m back in my acting days making up voices, tag lines, and puns that make Tim’s face contort into someone who’s having a stroke. I love nothing more than to be a full blown idiot in my house and it’s nice to have someone who shares in it. Tim’s already had to carry me to bed, let me in because I forgot my keys, and more consistently dealt with me hungover.

Needless to say we are getting along swimmingly.

In booze.

It’s winter, we all turn into functioning alcoholics this time a year, it’s the spirit of Christmas!

I recently received the title of single again in the last few weeks which wasn’t the worst. The first two days I went into full female breakup mode, you know, wear the same sweater/yoga pant ensemble while your friends funnel wine down your throat.

At that point I thought about how I really felt, away from the comfort of companionship, away from the prospects, away from the fear of being alone.

Was I really happy?

The answer was no, I wasn’t anymore.

I’m at a point now where I ask myself this question a lot to kind of let my gut have a moment to put her two cents in. I sometimes ignore it or Im well aware that something needs to change. Sometimes it does this real fun thing where it makes the decision you won’t make regardless of your actions. Those are the times you learn something, at least for me it’s always another hint that I need to listen to myself just a little harder.

I’m ok being alone as long as I’m happy, I’m not shutting myself down either. I made a promise to myself that I would never allow something in my past to affect a new opportunity. I’d never want that done to me and yet it has been done to me a few times. It’s no biggy, people just have a hard time letting go, they don’t give themselves time to do it, it’s a really sad thing.
So here I am hurdled back into single-hood having to make sure my hair is brushed and socks are matched. Ok, the sock matching is never going to happen because clearly ALL my socks divorce one another once they reach the laundry mat.

That reminds me I have to put socks on my wish list…

Work life is all over the map right now, I’m in a vortex of transition. I find being 27 is a roller coaster of “WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING” moments mixed with social dilemmas of “How much wine do I have to drink to be brave enough to talk to that cute guy?”
I want to go back into costuming, I miss story telling with clothing, I miss the work ethic and the environment. My training has always stemmed from my love for the stage, that’s how this whole wardrobe love started. It’s not an easy transition to make in this economy, in this overly competitive, who you know society.

However I do have this annoying habit of being relentless in getting what I want.

I blame being a Leo and a product of an Irish woman and Dutch man.

I’m back to freelancing, I’ll be in survival mode for the next month but things always have a way of leading me to where I need to be. I’ll reach out to those who have helped me in the past, I’ll bombard the internet with my CV and website, and I’ll be patient. In the meantime I’ll be back to making money here, there, and everywhere.

Tonight will be the girls annual secret Santa and we’ve all agreed to make a gift. Needless to say we’ll probably all be getting Pinterest fails while each gift comes with a bottle of wine as an apology for the ball of glue and glitter given. By the end of the night we’ll all be in animal onesies explaining the process of creating each horrendous craft.

I love my friends.

They are what make me believe I’m a good person and that I do attract the love that I put out. Seeing my close friends interact at this stage in my life is incredible. I know I’m loving because they are, I know I’m strong because each one of them exudes it, and I know I care about myself because they really care about themselves.

You can’t have friends like that unless you can give yourself that same love. I’m convinced that even in my most doubtful moments I think about who I have around me and know everything will be ok. I know my friends are loyal and always will be. They are a constant reminder of how much I have to take care of myself and take care of their friendship.

It’s family after all.

Happy Holidays Lovelies,

I’ll be hosting the Tuninga family dinner this year so I’ll be sure to report back with pictures of my father parading around in an Ozzy Osbourne wig screaming “MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS”.

Paris Happened, I’m Back to Reality, Shits Getting Real.

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Paris was everything anyone has ever said about Paris, that’s why people love it, it’s a sure thing. I’m not saying that in a bad way, it was romantic and fairytale like. Our apartment was situated in the heart of said la la land and we spent our last days in Europe soaking up ALL the wine, pastries, ALL the baguette, and ALL the cheese.

The problem with this blog sometimes is that I usually write it in the moment of something in my life. In Paris I was writing the Berlin blog and by the time I got home I was hit with so much that Paris literally felt like a dream. I will also mention that coming home after 26 days really makes you want to turn everything off and slip into that bed you forgot you owned. I was lucky my boyfriend chose to stick around and was willing to hack it long distance styles with me. It’s not common to find someone who knows the value of travel and the value of you.

I came home to a new roommate, he’s non stop hilarity in all the good ways. I swear our first night was spent laying on the floor, drinking bourbon, and chain smoking until 4am. We’ve actually known each other and been buddies since the 9th grade. Yup, became close friends when we were pimply, I had braces, and awkward as fuck. We also dated and went to prom together. That ended in us downing a Micky of whiskey each, getting into a huge fight in the middle of a street in the beaches, and both of us going home with someone else.

It’s amazing how time and maturity can create a lasting bond right?

My career…well has taken a little detour, as it should, because you should never get too comfortable. Maybe I should never get too comfortable, it seems whenever I do shit hits the fan and I’m scrambling for an umbrella. It’s not a bad thing, it’s a learning thing, it’s a chance to grow thing, and it’s a time to get my big head out of the clouds thing.

At these crisis moments I always take a step back and go over all my work, I make lists of the skills I’ve learned so far, and I look at the brand of me that I’ve made. Usually at this point I have a hundred cigarettes and wonder how the hell I got to this point. I start thinking about all the things that have happened to me in the last 2 years, the wine gets opened, and it’s 9:30pm on a Tuesday with me drunk listening to folk music surrounded by papers.

It’s like a scene right out of the coo coo’s nest…

The next day is when I start the actual rational work, you know, look for opportunities, not drunk. I love the job I have now, I get to do every aspect of my talent, I just want more. My boss is one of my favourite humans, he’s fair, he teaches me, and he respects work ethic. Even if I’m off and I get stir crazy I can go in to the studio and create something. However like any business you need to be inspired, you need new surroundings to add to growth. This is my next step, I think at least, to go out and learn more skills. I know there are some crucial career moves I still need to make and I can’t if I don’t have the tools to do it with. It’s fucking terrifying, I have to learn software programs, I have to learn more about photography, I have to learn how to fully grade a pattern.

What the fuck did I get myself into…

Makes me wish this were like the movies and I could play the next couple months out through a montage.

That is totally one wish I would use if I found a genie in a bottle, montage abilities, uh win. And obviously you could pick the song that was going to play out, that’s essential.

Unfortunately I’ll have to play all this out in real time, I have until March to learn some new skills. It’s winter time, what else realistically will I be doing? Drinking wine, making soup, and learning design software.

Guys, I’m so cool.

I’m going to woo the boyfriend with sultry text messages about French sewing stitches and my ability to add layers to a PDF file.

To be real though, this is actually terrifying while simultaneously exciting. I don’t want to make this seem like it was an easy decision. Half of it I barely had a choice in, when you know, you just know. It’s like anything else, when you know you like someone, you know. If you are a mature adult, have self awareness then these things become loud and clear. You stop wasting time on the half assed feelings about anything and everything.

If you are half adult and an aware female you go through a obstacle course of emotions before you realize anything and everything that actually matters.

I knew for awhile that I needed to take a step back, it was a fight with my ego. It was silly thinking I could coast on everything I’ve built so far, it’s not enough. I have the talent of learning creative skills and I learn them pretty quickly when I get my drive in the right place. I know what I am capable of and I’m glad I have the life alarm bells that tell me when it’s time to switch up the game.

Time for more hard work, much more wine, and by March I’ll have a new batch of skills to put towards the professional artist title I so boldly hold.

If you need me I’ll be the jittery one in a giant blanket scarf in the corner of Jimmy’s coffee shop in the market.

Tunes
Gregory Alan Isakov – Dandelion Wine
Ezra Vine – Celeste
Pieta Brown & Amos Lee – Do you know

A Battlefield, A Hitch, And A Fear To Fart.

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I’m checking in before I check out to Europe in 2 weeks, it’s happening and I’m insanely excited. This trip signifies a lot for me, it’s an accomplishment. A spawn of all the other accomplishments I’ve had the last couple years. All the sacrifices, all the things I had to give up, the people I had to walk away from. It sounds a little dramatic but I feel like I’m standing at the end of a battlefield just as the dust begins to settle. I don’t know if I won, or if that actually happens in life; it’s not really a competition.

I do know that I am happy to not fight for a little bit.
Like…three weeks.
Then I’ll strap on my guns again.
But I need those fuckin three weeks like Lindsey Lohan needs periodical rehab visits.
A LOT!!!

Everything else in my life is extremely amazing, which is freaking me the fuck out. My friends are still disastrously perfect as was exhibited last weekend at our first Drunk Ladies and Gentlemen BBQ. The boyfriend and I were on a mission to kill our sobriety after a week of freelance life on both our ends. There we all were, all the hitched ladies and the men we’ve seduced for various lengths of time. Let’s face it, we’re not normal, which was eloquently shown through Sarah’s opinion of The BF’s football choice. She dead stared him while burping and then blew said burp in his general direction…

This woman is teaching our children for the future.
And this happened at the dinner table.
Where food was.

I’m settling into this new shift in life, I’m really open to everything and content with the choices I’m making. The cool thing is that I’m not hiding anything from anyone. I am who I am, I have bad parts and I have beautiful parts. I’ll constantly make myself better but I’m not about to change anything I don’t want to. When you go into things bare boned you learn quickly if it’s right for you or not. That took me an exceptionally long ass time to learn and I still have to check in with myself.

Now this being said I’m still terrified to do a few things and I’ve made a list of new fears that haunt my daily existence.

1) Farting for the first time in front of my man.
2) my life is too good and I’m going to fuck it up.
3) Spiders crawling into my nostrils…I read something I shouldn’t have.
4) The designer I work for ( Mark Foreman) is going to clone me and then I’m going to get back from Europe and have to kill the clone.
5) Getting a new roommate after Kate…what if they don’t get my weirdness?
6) I’m still not working hard enough.

The trick is knowing what you’re afraid of, really asking yourself “hey pal do you like spiders? And then promptly shivering and saying a big NOPE to that shit.

My work is a mash up between my two favourite things:
Styling for Harlequin Romance Novels
Assisting a Canadian Designer and operating a workshop/boutique

It’s all groovy on my end, however I would like to make a plan of action to rise above the poverty level, but hey that takes time too. I’ve got my two dream jobs and happily have not stepped back into the realm of many many part time positions.
THATS something to be thankful for.
I think back to just a couple months ago still feeling the struggle. I remember when it broke, the struggle stopped and I was left at the edge of that dwindling battlefield.

And this is the part where I tell you to keep fighting until you feel that silence . It’s bittersweet, it’s the ending of an era for you. Yes, you’ll have many more battles to fight but when you win the career building war. When you brake into that new world the game changes and it’s the best fucking feeling you could ever imagine.

Thanks for reading loves,

Xox

Tunes
Vance Joy – Emmylou
Vance Joy – Mess is Mine
Vance Joy – My Kind of Man

Finding Bravery in a Bear Costume

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Life’s funny in the way it plays out, in the way it unfolds, and in the way it shows you the things you deserve whether you think so or not. Here I am sitting at my desk overlooking Queen West replaying the learning and events in the past week. If you read my last weeks post you’ll know that I told the story of my mental illness struggles. You’ll know it was a hard thing to write but I wrote it, I pushed myself for a purpose that was bigger than myself. This blog is supposed to inspire and make people understand that we are all, in the big picture, just humans, trying to find the beauty in it all. I am one of those humans and from that post I’ve found bravery in my life. I found a part of me that wasn’t as strong as some of my other traits. It was the missing piece I have been searching for to move my life along.
Being brave is life saving.
Being brave allows many things to come into your life. Think about it, all those times in your life when you wanted something so bad it took over any inhibitions you created.
You went for it, you said fuck it, you through yourself into the flames you normally would think you’d get burned by. You went for that job opportunity that may be out of your comfort zone. You let your guard down with someone that made your stomach get butterflies. You booked that appointment that would change your health for the best. You opened up to a close friend about something that’s been plaguing you. Yes, you hesitated and yes you felt like you were going to barf and pass out at the same time. But somewhere deep inside you was bravery and the truth in knowing this was and is the right choice.
Now what comes from bravery?
Truth.
Being truthful to yourself and others can only create a world where we can all live as ourselves. I used to lie a lot because I wasn’t brave enough to be myself. I would create stories and false promises because I wanted to please people because what would I do on my own? I felt like I needed these people who told me what was best, what I should be doing, how I should act.
It was all bullshit.
I realized my freedom while up at my best friend Sarah’s cottage last weekend. Five women in a cabin getting hammered after months of planning a simple three day retreat. There was truthful conversations, lots of love, farts (thanks to Kmo) and just admiration for each other. I never thought twice about walking around the cottage in Cats Roots sweatshirt onsie while drinking a caesar out of a champaign flute. We certainly didn’t care making Kmo dress up in a bear costume and going to the only local bar in town to play pool belligerently. And we also didn’t care that we all told one van that cut us off to suck our butts while doing a jack off hand motion through all our windows.

It’s being unapologetically yourself that attracts the right people into your life, the right people for you.

Which is how I met the gentleman from the beaches ( I didn’t tell him I was writing about this so he’ll have a nickname for now) the man I’m happily in a relationship with. It’s easy to say he came out of nowhere, because he did, however the timing couldn’t have been better. The woman that I am now and the man that he is seemed to collide at the right speed. I’ve had my single rants about dying alone in a bed of pizza pocket boxes and wine bottles. I’ve regaled stories of dates gone wrong where I’ve had food in my hair, I’ve shown up drunk, or planned a picnic only to get eaten alive by fire ants.
These escapades have all been hilarious and have kept me single because as I’ve also said “I’m not settling on maybes and sures” I wanted to meet someone and instantly say to myself “I WANT ALL OF THAT”. GB was that guy and I’m only assuming I was that lady the night we met. It was like a switch clicked and everything I was ever scared of or questioned with a man went black. Now I’m not saying I’m still not terrified, I’ve spent so much time being alone that it’s all a lot to take in.
But you know what?
It’s really easy to do this time and that’s the way it should be.

So if you’ve learned anything from me is that I know nothing.
Seriously, I’m just aware of myself more then I ever have and that keeps me at an advantage in moving forward. I trust myself and that is why I am working the career I want, that’s why I have the greatest friends, and that’s why I’m now not going to spend Friday nights alone in a sea of pad Thai and cheap white wine.
Ok those nights will still happen…
What the fuck am I thinking?

I’m going to keep epically failing so that I can notoriously prevail in this little life of mine.

Thank you again for reading lovelies, and remember if you know someone who is suffering from any mental illness please give them a stage to stand on. Back to my last post, Robin William’s death taught us anything is that we are all battling something. Talk about it openly, support and honour those that do because it’s a huge leap to recovery for them.

Xoxo

Casey Jane

Tunes!

Vance Joy – Ripe tide
Matt Kearney – Dancing in the Dark
Kevin Drew – My God

Werkin On My Shit

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I did it again, I disappeared from my blog duties for two weeks and I apologize for that. I have this problem sometimes where I just have nothing to write about. I mean I HAVE things to write about but they haven’t been looped in my head enough. I escape into a zone where I don’t feel the need to tell everyone how I’m feeling and just live in the moment. Although I do recap the really good bits and the extremely embarrassing ones for you lovely readers.
Life is however giving me a major hard on, like a lady hard on, but one nonetheless. The last time I wrote I was on the cusp of starting a new position working along side a Canadian Designer and I’m happy to write that It happened. I’m now assisting Mark Foreman of Bionic Workshop & Boutique. I get to walk to work, Mark is an incredible boss, and I actually have money in my bank account.

Guys, I did laundry, bought groceries, AND went for a half litre of wine at Java House in the same day…
I didn’t even have a bank account heart attack…
I even bought new underwear…
And a bra…

Ok that last one was a lie because it’s not actually a bra as more of a sexy spandex sling for my chest.

Last weekend the girls ( Kate, Cat, Sarah, Meghan) and I celebrated a very special life moment, Meghan and Xan’s engagement party. Yes I have become the Kirsten Wigg of our own Bridesmaid movie and I’m coming to terms with that. It was the first time I looked around at everyone and realized this was my life family. Those people at that party are people that are going to be around years from now telling stories about when we were young. It could have been the wine talking but I felt like an adult, a real one, for the first time in my life. I mean it quickly went away when Kate and I snuck out to smoke weed behind Meghan’s parents garden shed but for that brief moment I was content with adult Casey Jane.
Now I also remember bringing up a character by the name of LG, unfortunately the dapper fellow had a few more roads to travel down. I just hope I was a nice stop over along his way, he was a breath of fresh air. That’s all I’ll say about him.
Funny thing is that I’ve got everything I need in my life, and, if anything, I need someone who’s ready to accent it. I don’t need someone who wants to paint a different picture of me, I’ve got my own paint. I’ll be 27 years old in three days and I’m ready to push my life forward in experiences, in my career, and in myself. I’ve carved a small knot in Toronto and I’m not about to stop digging deeper.
I booked a three week trip to Europe with my friend Liz in October last Thursday. This will be my first real long vacation since I went to Grenada on a post break up rehab mission two years ago. I’m going to Paris, Holland to see my people, and Berlin where I might need to transplant my liver mid week. I feel like Liz and I were meant to do this for ourselves. When we met and bonded instantly there was this underlined connection to our pasts. I think we both needed each other to motivate ourselves to take a risk and go out and experience something we didn’t think we could do. I’m the first one to hold back on big investments for myself…I mean it took me 6 months to justify buying new underwear. Now we are booked and ready to adventure in Europe. Good lord lovelies the blog posts during that time are probably going to sound like a chapter out of Naked Lunch.
I’m still learning a lot about myself, I still have scars to mend, I still fuck up weekly but I am at a time in my life where I am genuinely proud to be me. I’m glad I got kicked to the curb a few times, I’m happy I made all those terrible late night decisions, and I will NEVER regret the hundreds of 3am pizza pockets I have consumed over the last two years.

Never.

Tunes

Felix Jaehn – Shine
Kodaline – High Hopes ( Filous remix)
Francesco Yates – Call
SPOON – Do You

Just Sittin Out Maxin, Relaxin All Cool

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The past two weeks have lead me to believe that once you figure out yourself, the inside, the deep down you, the life you’re living syncs with the life you’ve always wanted. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about who am I at this point in my life, what do I want, and what do I need. The answers were that I’m a very aware of myself, I want to continue finding my career in fashion, and I don’t need anything. Honestly I don’t need a thing because I have everything I need and anything else will come to me in its own perfect time. Its patience and I’m not too good at waiting, never have been. I think I got sick of working myself up, asking myself why this and why that when really I should have shut up and just enjoyed my life.

Things will ALWAYS be changing and opportunities will be coming and going as long as you keep your fuckin’ eyes open! Stop seeing what you don’t have and stop blinding yourself on high expectations that are not real. You know why I think this is the closest I’ve been to being right, well, for myself? It’s because the minute I gave up my expectations, my stresses, and my constant anxieties over not having a title to call myself was the minute everything happened. I got an offer to go and work for a well established Canadian designer, I paid off my debts, I began loving who I am, and my friendships and relationships became even more deep rooted. I even met a “Literary Gentleman” LG for drinks which turned into a few other dates of long talks and getting to know each other.

Its all very lovely and I haven’t had to stress about a thing, well this morning I stressed out about still not having a phone but it subsided once I had a coffee and a cigarette at Jimmy’s in Kensington. That will come too and Ive made it this long without one, whats another couple days, right?

In other news I was door girl extraordinaire for a huge roof top free beer party sponsored by Amsterdam Brewery last Saturday. We were at capacity by 6:30 and 80 minutes into it we went through 1’056 beers…people were clearly having a good time. We closed doors for an hour and changed over to a BYOB which continued to be just as dancy, sweaty, and hook up ready as was earlier. I spent my time at the door dancing with my bouncer Jesse and sending my brother on multiple beer store runs while keeping the masses at bay. We shut down everything at 11pm and had a small after party on the vacated roof top patio until my brother and I stumbled home. I was about to loose my shit on some pompous dick head who thought he was entitled to my beer and lit cigarette in my hand. I was talking with him for a minute before I realized he was after everything I possessed and thought being a mooch and doing deranged drunk eyes at me would swoon me over…

Self worth is one hell of a drug and I’m glad I’ve been overdosing on it lately.

Sunday I woke up at 7:30am and realized that for once I did not have to venture into work like the hungover mess I usually am on “The Lord’s” day. I happily fell back asleep until 10am when my body demanded coffee and being mobile, it’s not used to laying around too much these days. I decided I needed clean clothes as later in the day I was meeting said literary gentleman for an adventure on the island. Branko had stayed on our couch now that he had returned from gallivanting in California over the past two months. I missed seeing his feet sticking out over the couch and being fully clothed in a weird coffin pose.
Going back and forth from the laundry mat with its iconic “sea foam blue dryers” made me fall in love with my neighbourhood again. I coasted the sidewalks listening to folk tunes and became human again while carting my laundry back to my place. I ran into our local crazy woman who is now dressing up as a hotdog, ya know, for summer time. When I say hotdog I mean she actually owns a foam hotdog suit that she dresses up in to get tourists to give her money.
By 2pm I was enjoying a Ceaser on Java’s patio getting ready to head over to Wards Island with LG enjoying the fact that I was fine with having a liquid lunch before catching the ferry. I led him to a little island where I actually hadn’t gone to before and we found a tiny little beach far enough from a bunch of “Bra’s” or “Bro’s” so that we could enjoy ourselves. We befriended an old duck couple who wanted our wine. We talked about the dynamics of dating in this society, past experiences in art, and a bunch of other topics that are now kind of clouded by ant bites and alcohol.

Apparently there are A LOT of fire ants on that tiny island…

What’s ahead?

I don’t know but I am completely alright with that…for once in my life.  I have an idea of what I’d like to happen and I have my goals that I will continue to work toward. Other than that I’m just going to do things that make me happy, hang out with people that make my life better, and I’m going to enjoy the moments for what they are.

You should too, it’s a hell of a lot easier than forcing something, expecting something, or relentlessly pushing for something. If you’re meant to have it or experience it, you will.

Happy Summer Lovelies

xox

Casey Jane

TUNES!!!

Future Islands – Seasons
Beirut – Postcards From Italy
Tune Yards  – Bizness
Mac Demarco – My Kind Of Woman

Kicked Off the Wrong Train and Zak Miller Lullabies

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Fine, fine fine, I’m feeling oh so fine with my life.
Why?
Because Ive been thinking about time and how much time I have. How little time I now spend worrying, stressing out, and chasing things that are not meant to be. When you are aware of your surroundings, when you are making choices with yourself in mind, the rights things come and the wrongs things go. I’ve spent so much time wondering why things don’t work out, why every opportunity seems to fall flat, and why my feet keep going their own way. Its because its not meant to be and the quicker you come to realize this the sooner you can move on to better things. I’m not saying don’t fight for what you believe in, always fight, but know the worth of the fight. You have that choice, to just simply walk away with your goals and place them on a blank canvas again. I’ve had to rebuild my life a few times and I’m only on the verge of 27 years old. It builds a strong sense of being going through so many changes, you come out stronger every time.
I mean it, EVERYTIME.
Or else you my friend are one of those circle people. You are the stubborn, the egomaniac ones that spends their lives doing the same things over and over again. You make the same “safe” choices, you date the same men, and you make the same mistakes. Sound familiar?
Our lives move forward, let it move that way even if its terrifying. I have this feeling that a lot of people in our generation are going to have a rude awakening in the next few years. We do the same actions and expect a different outcome, we stick to the same habits and wonder why we end up in the same place.

You can’t make a pot roast and expect it to come out as a fucking cake.

So take that new route home, go flirt with that coffee guy who “isn’t your type” and stop pulling yourself back into your comfort zones. This advice is brought to you by a lady who has been shoved out of her comfort zone enough times. It usually feels like riding on a train only to be kicked off cause you didn’t have the proper ticket. You knew you didn’t have the right ticket and its a sinking feeling when you get caught. That is how I felt after realizing I had made the wrong choice, I had tried to find a loop hole instead of paying responsibly. If you ignore the signs life gives you, ignore that gut feeling, I’m afraid you will always find yourself getting chucked off moving trains.
The fun part about moving forward is the right things, the fun things, and the meaningful things become clearer. Perfect example of this was last friday when I adventured to the Toronto Island Cafe. From reading my blog you’ll know I went to an art school downtown, and you’ll know I have an incredible circle of talented friends. Zak Miller or Hummus as his nickname was, I can’t remember how that name came to be, maybe we just liked chickpeas a lot. Anyway he play’s in his band called Zakary Miller & The Filthy 5 Brass Band all around Toronto. We got lucky to watch him do his thing in a beautiful garden cafe setting, surrounded by wine and hula hoopers as the sun set slowly. My girls Cat, Meghan, Sarah and I sat around a white picnic table under twinkle lights laughing and enjoying the most lovely music coming from someone who we know and love. Zak even did an ODB rendition of “Baby I Got Your Money” which got everyone singing along. I spent most of the time just taking it all in, seeing how lucky I was and eying the smoking hot bartender that I later realized also went to high school with us. I drunkenly elbowed Sarah and pointed towards the bar but before she could roll her eyes Meghan chimed in loudly proclaiming his name and that we did indeed know him. I sank slowly behind the flower bouquet center piece and avoided eye contact with the younger pretty girls at the next table who had overheard.
What?
Yea I get immediately shy when people find out Im checking them out and then try and act coy by sipping my wine and awkwardly laughing. I find the wine flushes my cheeks more than the embarrassment does, or I just loudly proclaim ” I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM”
The night ended with a lovely last song from Zak and his band, we all gave him a huge hug and gratefully thanked him for such an amazing evening across the lake. That is the beautiful thing about having a school that nurtured us as artists, we never forget that bond we all have. Its been almost 14 years since we all were young artists creating and figuring out who we were and what we could offer. We are still mostly all doing just that, creating and enjoying the art we were trained to do.

Remember my loves everything takes time and you have a whole lot of it. Enjoy getting out of your comfort zones, go see some live music, call an old friend, and take a chance on being out of the ordinary.
A good life takes 3 things in my opinion;
Patience, Passion, and Persistence.

Below are some tracks laid down By Zak and his band so have a listen, follow him on Facebook here and go out and see these lovelies live.

Zakary Miller  – Baby I got Your Money

Zakary Miller – Baby’s A Drink

XOXO

– Casey Jane