The Unemployed Truth

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Remember the darling Holly Golightly?

The real phoney of New York City that took herself to Tiffany’s window display anytime she had a “red day?”

I’ve been having my fair share of red days lately and I’m not really into believing a jewelry store will fix any of it. Maybe if I were there to successfully rob the place and head to Mexico…

Maybe then I’d be more inclined to visit the place.

No sparkling display is going to snap me out of the reality that I’m broke, jobless and in another slew of panic attacked mornings. When you can’t make rent and or cellphone payment your brain becomes a calculator of eternity. No matter what opportunities you uncover that little black cloud follows reminding you of the obvious.

You’re broke and bills are piling up, now what are you doing about it?

Unfortunately sending out over 70 resumes doesn’t quite put my mind at ease. I know I’m supposed to be patient but when you can’t leave your house because the grocery store doesn’t except I.O.U’s it’s a weight I can’t explain.

Although, through it all I won’t give up, because deep down, there is always foresight. There is always this vision that plays out if I just keep going. I’ve read about the persistence, the passion, and the patience it’s taken many other successful people to get to where they stand now.

It’s still fucking hard and anyone that tells you different is sniffing glue.

Being unemployed is a funny activity to take part in everyday, you do some weird shit when you’ve got nothing else to do. I get up usually with the hope that I’ll have a reply to the thousands of jobs I’ve applied to. Once the reality that no one gives a fuck about my ability to curate visuals sets in I then take to my couch.

There a lot of things you do when unemployed.

1. Attempt to make your resume “stand out” against the masses of other unemployed creatives. Maybe put in bold at the top MAGIC MONKEY NUTS to get their attention.

2. Creep the shit out of every company and it’s top employees on LinkedIn. If you’re really good you find them on Facebook with a recent Saturday night photo of them drunkenly pole dancing at the Hideout on Queen street.

Screen shot it and if things get real bad use it as leverage, it’s a dog eat dog world out there.

3. Update your website of any new and obviously pro bono work you’ve done.
I wonder if lawyers ever stage court hearings in their living room with other unemployed lawyers and judges like photographers and Stylist do?

4. Walk over to your fridge for the 100th time to make sure your food hasn’t moved places and that mouldy thing in a Tupperware container is still in fact really gross.

5. Have every job searching platform open on your computer and strongly debate applying to bottle girl jobs at night clubs with names like “TRA$E” or “Liquid night club”. Only because you know you’d make your rent, bills, and a possible vacation in one night of putting up with a sea of douche bags revved on G and Patron.

6. Call your parents and tell them casually that your landlord is coming to shoot out your knee caps so you won’t be joining them for Sunday dinner. Immediately following you check your bank account to see if they fell for your pitiful cry for help.

They didn’t because you’re an “adult” now.

7. While checking your almost empty bank account you see a glimmer of hope in the form of a government deposit of 60 dollars. You then hit the grocery store and wine wrack as you haven’t actually been outside in two days.

8. Go home and tell yourself you won’t open the wine until you send out 10 more resumes.

9. You open the wine and find out that hoarders is now on Netflix and applying to that knitting store can seriously go fuck itself.

You worked hard today, it’s drink to forget time.

To all my unemployed compadres I am with you, we must stand together in these long days of randomness and uncertainties. We must all support each other and regale in stories of weird new hobbies we’ve taken up to have something to talk about with friends.

We are all together on this…

Unless I see you at a job interview, then I’m slipping laxatives into your coffee when you’re not looking.

Dog eat dog world.

European log 002: Berlin

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I just woke up in a sea of my two cowl scarves on a train in the middle of the German country side. Completely delirious, sleep deprived, and dealing with a butt cramp and a uterus that seems to be mimicking the gates of hell.

Berlin is over and Paris is somewhere between wherever here is and wherever there might be.

I sit here as Liz folds herself over and over again in her seat to gain a little more sleep before a train change in about an hour. I’ve opted to write insanities and my reflection on the German city we just spent ten days in instead.

Seems like the logical thing when your brain has no filter right?

Berlin took a bit to warm up to, it’s a hard city filled with graffiti, remnants of intense political history, and beer bottles literally everywhere. Smoking is a normality and the mere thought of a health risk is looked upon with a scoff only the Germans could pull off. It’s got a sense of rebellious freedom that reminds you that this city was once, not long ago, under war with itself.

On our second day we were taken to a party in a building of what seemed like a industrial highway. We got up to the spray painted metal doors being causally guarded by a man that looked like he fought bears for fun. He explained quickly that we would be searched and what to expect. I could here the booming of deep electronic music coming from inside. The walls were dirty, there was smoke billowing in every direction, and I began wondering what the fuck I was about to experience.

We turned the corner and I was immediately hit with scenes from True Detective when they sneak into that underground biker gang party. Only instead of bikers picture drugged out gay guys in every kind of outfit you could imagine. Bondage, drag, punk, metal, goth, and the infamous vogue look.

Needless to say I sat on a bench and chained smoked while wondering if Berlin was going to be this every night. I partied really hard when I was younger, I’ve done the drug scene, I’ve done the 24 hour partying. I was not about to revisit those days of bug eyed drug glory thinking I was Queen of the world while discussing the universe with my friend naked in a bath tub.

It didn’t end up being that at all and Liz and I realized it on day three when we were met with a relaxing market day and outdoor karaoke. Our lovely host Benji, originally from France, took good care of us. We got the whole spectrum of living in Berlin and the social history and culture of its mid twenty year olds.

What can I say I learned on this trip so far?

I’m really fucking good at adapting and as long as I’m experiencing true life and not dealing with dramatic idiocies I’m unstoppable. There have been moments where I’ve had to remind myself of patience, I’ve had to remind myself of honesty and that everything does indeed happen for a reason.

I’m not a complainer and therefore it’s pretty easy to bring me anywhere. I’ve adapted to eating mainly vegetarian and vegan as my travel companion is pretty strict on her diet. I’ve embraced the concept of couch surfing which has turned out to be an incredible aspect of this trip. I’ve learned to leave my ego at the door and except help when I really needed it even if I fought hard not to admit it. Most of all though I’ve been very good at knowing my limitations and when to give myself time, space, and rest.

If I didn’t learn the last three things I think this trip would have lost it’s lustre back in Holland. I’m not about to run myself into the ground because I’m in Europe and feel the need to see everything.

I’ll see what I’m meant to see and above anything this is a vacation which should be little to no stress involved. I’ve certainly have had to remind myself of that a few times. I don’t think I’ve properly given myself a vacation in the last two years so it’s been strange to not have to worry about much. Our main concern most days is where to buy cheap wine and how many bizarre and hilarious tinder matches Liz can get.

It’s been interesting seeing our different lifestyles collide and run parallel throughout this trip. We are both incredibly different but in the same way have so many similarities. I’m a house cat that needs my down time, I need to reflect and I move at a calm slow pace most of the time. Liz is an ally cat, she’s needs the night life and sometimes I feel like I can actually feel her brain moving at the speed of light. It’s something that works both ways and we both, luckily, have the loving eyes to see that in each other.

Don’t get me wrong there have been times when we’ve needed to get away from each other, there’s been times where feelings have been hurt, and there have been times of different prerogatives. I’ve just realized we are both strong enough women to handle balancing our independent qualities with teamwork.

Paris is our next and final stop on this 26 day adventure and I’m excited to sit on my little balcony and get incredibly day drunk. I’m excited to go for long walks on my own and have a latte by the river. This is last blast of relaxation. The last thing I want to do is stand in a cue to watch a bunch of Asian tourist snap photos of a less than impressive Mona Lisa.

Seriously she’s like the size of a fucking postcard…

I want to get lost on cobblestone streets and get yelled at by an old Parisian woman for no apparent reason. I want to witness men peeing into sewer grates and whistling at the beautiful women riding their bikes dressed better than any Toronto Fashion Week attendee.

And then I want to go home, back to the job I love, back to the amazing friends and family I have. I want to go back with ease and harness the inspiration I’ve obtained from this trip. I can’t wait to go back to a relationship that has only become stronger during my time here. I’m ready to take my career to the next step and reach a new level of focus.

This trip has been everything I could have asked for and it’s rewarding to know that it’ll always be apart of my life and my story. Travel is now a big part of my life and a very important one. I plan on doing it as much as possible in the next coming years.

That’s a promise I’ve made to myself.

With that I’m off to catch another train across the Parisian country side and to hopefully stretch out my butt cramp.

Thanks for reading lovelies

Tunes (listened to this whole record while on the train strongly recommended)

Vance Joy – Mess is Mine
Vance Joy – Georgia
Vance Joy – My Kind of Man
Vance Joy – Wasted Time

European Log 001: The Netherlands

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Over a week ago Liz and I were standing in line to board Iceland Airways, half tipsy, half exhausted. Prior to take off I had warned my travel mate that I am not a treat in the first 10 minutes of departure. Basically I get an overwhelming fear and start crying like a teenage girl during a bad MSN breakup. While on descending I get a migraine that could rival most torture scenes in the Saw movie saga’s.

But we made it to Amsterdam and rightfully found a falafel house on the main strip of the city square. Promptly after that we made our way to a coffee house and smoked Lemon weed until I realized the floor was actually a giant aquarium filled with goldfish.

We had made it to Europe after a few mental breakdowns, panic attacks and insane self doubt. I had my financial worries as always and Liz basically had her whole life switched up only 3 days before we got on that godforsaken plane. I don’t think either of us relaxed entirely for at least three days, however we were here and everything was starting to fall into place.

We took a train from Amsterdam station, thankfully found our luggage at the train stations locker facility…because you know, marijuana.

First place we stayed was a friend of a friend of a friend named Kevin. A 20 year old international studies student living in probably one of the nicest “student dorms” I had ever seen. He met us at the train station, took our carry on bags and immediately started showing us where we were, Den Haag.

Cobblestone streets, separate bike lanes, cheap wine, legal weed…I had found my homeland. We dropped off our bags, cracked a bottle of wine and started to get to know our lovely host. Liz had brought along her tarot cards which we insisted Kevin take part in (this was after a few glasses of wine). After blowing the poor kids mind with introspective analysis we were taken to a Dutch tiki bar and then to a club where we danced the night away in a sea of cigarette smoke and house music.

Our first hangover had been accomplished but it didn’t compare to the next nights shenanigans. It consisted of a university house party where every 18 year girl was telling me how she hopes she looks as good as me when she’s my age…
I held back my tears and tongue at the thought of actually being called “old” by a girl who was drinking a wine cooler.
Oh and I didn’t mention we were all on bikes parading around the streets of Den Haag?
Cause we were.
Oh and also Dutch people are very tall and unfortunately Liz isn’t so it was a mission the whole time in Holland to get her a bike she could even get up on. She managed by having to hop off and on a less monstrous bike as they didn’t rent kid bikes.
After the house party we were off again to the same club the night before only this time we stayed upstairs at the bar listening to classic 80’s jams. I think by 3am Kevin showed up at my side and proclaimed that we were leaving and that my travel buddy had found her first Dutch man.

I stood pointing my figure in the poor mans face threatening that if my friend didn’t text me with wifi and location I might castrate him. Liz laughing and promising she would keep in contact I left with Kevin on our bikes home. We smoked a joint once we got home and slurred our words over music, life, and travelling.

We woke up at 4 in the after noon the next day and that was Den Haag in a nutshell. Within a few hours we were on another train heading to Utrecht to meet out next hosts Inga and Max. There’s something about having positive energy, being good people, and having a sense of adventure. It attracts like minded individuals and when travelling it hits you like, well, a train.

Utrecht by far was, and, is my favourite city. The vibe, the people, and the city itself is this wonderland of bohemian artistic class. We sat in coffee shops and drank espresso, we ate out at beautiful vegan restaurants, we saw live music, and we indulged in the most amazing conversations. It was really hard leaving that city to go back to Amsterdam, but, that’s what this trip was meant to be. Letting go to except the next adventure and this time it was 4 days in Amsterdam with a man named Barand.

Barand, doing his PHD in linguistics, a tall native Dutchman with a man bun. Needless to say my travel buddy had a certain goo goo in her eyes and I was wondering if I had brought earplugs. He lived in a small neighbourhood that had, again, cobblestone streets, beautiful Dutch children on bikes, and someone constantly playing piano out there window.

While travelling I’ve learned the value of being open, being adaptable, and taking things as they come. I went on this trip for adventure and nothing else. Some people go on month long trips to find themselves, reinvent, or even run away from something. I’m not one of those people, I have everything I could possibly want at home. I have my dream job apprenticing under a Canadian designer. I have amazing friendships that have lasted for years. I have family that’s supportive and loving beyond all means, and I have a man that is loving, supportive, and very missed at this point in the trip. Being on this trip has just set that I have someone really special that is only going to accent my life in beautiful ways. I know I’m getting mushy but Anthony is a man that stands above the rest for me and I’m quite content about that.

Needless to say I’ve been getting waves of being homesick since we’ve arrived in Berlin. I know it’ll pass, I’m already feeling better now that we’ve settled into our new home for the next week.

Oh and I’m going to rant about European toilets for a second…WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH THE POO SHELF? It’s this raised bit in the toilet that literally catches your poop and it just sits there, like staring at you, it’s more abrasive then it floating in water. The worst part? Sometimes you have to give it a nudge with the toilet brush because it won’t go down with the water when you flush…I fucking hate pooping here.

I’ll leave on that note but what I can say about all this is travelling, if anything, it makes you aware of yourself in ways you can’t in your hometown. The things my eyes have seen and my soul has processed out here is beyond anything I could have imagined.

Berlin is here and I need a coffee.

Casey Jane

Tunes
Side note – these are some of the most beautiful music videos I’ve ever seen.

Bon Iver – Holocene
Bon Iver – Towers
Bon Iver – Hinnom TX
Bon Iver – Wash

A Battlefield, A Hitch, And A Fear To Fart.

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I’m checking in before I check out to Europe in 2 weeks, it’s happening and I’m insanely excited. This trip signifies a lot for me, it’s an accomplishment. A spawn of all the other accomplishments I’ve had the last couple years. All the sacrifices, all the things I had to give up, the people I had to walk away from. It sounds a little dramatic but I feel like I’m standing at the end of a battlefield just as the dust begins to settle. I don’t know if I won, or if that actually happens in life; it’s not really a competition.

I do know that I am happy to not fight for a little bit.
Like…three weeks.
Then I’ll strap on my guns again.
But I need those fuckin three weeks like Lindsey Lohan needs periodical rehab visits.
A LOT!!!

Everything else in my life is extremely amazing, which is freaking me the fuck out. My friends are still disastrously perfect as was exhibited last weekend at our first Drunk Ladies and Gentlemen BBQ. The boyfriend and I were on a mission to kill our sobriety after a week of freelance life on both our ends. There we all were, all the hitched ladies and the men we’ve seduced for various lengths of time. Let’s face it, we’re not normal, which was eloquently shown through Sarah’s opinion of The BF’s football choice. She dead stared him while burping and then blew said burp in his general direction…

This woman is teaching our children for the future.
And this happened at the dinner table.
Where food was.

I’m settling into this new shift in life, I’m really open to everything and content with the choices I’m making. The cool thing is that I’m not hiding anything from anyone. I am who I am, I have bad parts and I have beautiful parts. I’ll constantly make myself better but I’m not about to change anything I don’t want to. When you go into things bare boned you learn quickly if it’s right for you or not. That took me an exceptionally long ass time to learn and I still have to check in with myself.

Now this being said I’m still terrified to do a few things and I’ve made a list of new fears that haunt my daily existence.

1) Farting for the first time in front of my man.
2) my life is too good and I’m going to fuck it up.
3) Spiders crawling into my nostrils…I read something I shouldn’t have.
4) The designer I work for ( Mark Foreman) is going to clone me and then I’m going to get back from Europe and have to kill the clone.
5) Getting a new roommate after Kate…what if they don’t get my weirdness?
6) I’m still not working hard enough.

The trick is knowing what you’re afraid of, really asking yourself “hey pal do you like spiders? And then promptly shivering and saying a big NOPE to that shit.

My work is a mash up between my two favourite things:
Styling for Harlequin Romance Novels
Assisting a Canadian Designer and operating a workshop/boutique

It’s all groovy on my end, however I would like to make a plan of action to rise above the poverty level, but hey that takes time too. I’ve got my two dream jobs and happily have not stepped back into the realm of many many part time positions.
THATS something to be thankful for.
I think back to just a couple months ago still feeling the struggle. I remember when it broke, the struggle stopped and I was left at the edge of that dwindling battlefield.

And this is the part where I tell you to keep fighting until you feel that silence . It’s bittersweet, it’s the ending of an era for you. Yes, you’ll have many more battles to fight but when you win the career building war. When you brake into that new world the game changes and it’s the best fucking feeling you could ever imagine.

Thanks for reading loves,

Xox

Tunes
Vance Joy – Emmylou
Vance Joy – Mess is Mine
Vance Joy – My Kind of Man

Werkin On My Shit

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I did it again, I disappeared from my blog duties for two weeks and I apologize for that. I have this problem sometimes where I just have nothing to write about. I mean I HAVE things to write about but they haven’t been looped in my head enough. I escape into a zone where I don’t feel the need to tell everyone how I’m feeling and just live in the moment. Although I do recap the really good bits and the extremely embarrassing ones for you lovely readers.
Life is however giving me a major hard on, like a lady hard on, but one nonetheless. The last time I wrote I was on the cusp of starting a new position working along side a Canadian Designer and I’m happy to write that It happened. I’m now assisting Mark Foreman of Bionic Workshop & Boutique. I get to walk to work, Mark is an incredible boss, and I actually have money in my bank account.

Guys, I did laundry, bought groceries, AND went for a half litre of wine at Java House in the same day…
I didn’t even have a bank account heart attack…
I even bought new underwear…
And a bra…

Ok that last one was a lie because it’s not actually a bra as more of a sexy spandex sling for my chest.

Last weekend the girls ( Kate, Cat, Sarah, Meghan) and I celebrated a very special life moment, Meghan and Xan’s engagement party. Yes I have become the Kirsten Wigg of our own Bridesmaid movie and I’m coming to terms with that. It was the first time I looked around at everyone and realized this was my life family. Those people at that party are people that are going to be around years from now telling stories about when we were young. It could have been the wine talking but I felt like an adult, a real one, for the first time in my life. I mean it quickly went away when Kate and I snuck out to smoke weed behind Meghan’s parents garden shed but for that brief moment I was content with adult Casey Jane.
Now I also remember bringing up a character by the name of LG, unfortunately the dapper fellow had a few more roads to travel down. I just hope I was a nice stop over along his way, he was a breath of fresh air. That’s all I’ll say about him.
Funny thing is that I’ve got everything I need in my life, and, if anything, I need someone who’s ready to accent it. I don’t need someone who wants to paint a different picture of me, I’ve got my own paint. I’ll be 27 years old in three days and I’m ready to push my life forward in experiences, in my career, and in myself. I’ve carved a small knot in Toronto and I’m not about to stop digging deeper.
I booked a three week trip to Europe with my friend Liz in October last Thursday. This will be my first real long vacation since I went to Grenada on a post break up rehab mission two years ago. I’m going to Paris, Holland to see my people, and Berlin where I might need to transplant my liver mid week. I feel like Liz and I were meant to do this for ourselves. When we met and bonded instantly there was this underlined connection to our pasts. I think we both needed each other to motivate ourselves to take a risk and go out and experience something we didn’t think we could do. I’m the first one to hold back on big investments for myself…I mean it took me 6 months to justify buying new underwear. Now we are booked and ready to adventure in Europe. Good lord lovelies the blog posts during that time are probably going to sound like a chapter out of Naked Lunch.
I’m still learning a lot about myself, I still have scars to mend, I still fuck up weekly but I am at a time in my life where I am genuinely proud to be me. I’m glad I got kicked to the curb a few times, I’m happy I made all those terrible late night decisions, and I will NEVER regret the hundreds of 3am pizza pockets I have consumed over the last two years.

Never.

Tunes

Felix Jaehn – Shine
Kodaline – High Hopes ( Filous remix)
Francesco Yates – Call
SPOON – Do You

Kicked Off the Wrong Train and Zak Miller Lullabies

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Fine, fine fine, I’m feeling oh so fine with my life.
Why?
Because Ive been thinking about time and how much time I have. How little time I now spend worrying, stressing out, and chasing things that are not meant to be. When you are aware of your surroundings, when you are making choices with yourself in mind, the rights things come and the wrongs things go. I’ve spent so much time wondering why things don’t work out, why every opportunity seems to fall flat, and why my feet keep going their own way. Its because its not meant to be and the quicker you come to realize this the sooner you can move on to better things. I’m not saying don’t fight for what you believe in, always fight, but know the worth of the fight. You have that choice, to just simply walk away with your goals and place them on a blank canvas again. I’ve had to rebuild my life a few times and I’m only on the verge of 27 years old. It builds a strong sense of being going through so many changes, you come out stronger every time.
I mean it, EVERYTIME.
Or else you my friend are one of those circle people. You are the stubborn, the egomaniac ones that spends their lives doing the same things over and over again. You make the same “safe” choices, you date the same men, and you make the same mistakes. Sound familiar?
Our lives move forward, let it move that way even if its terrifying. I have this feeling that a lot of people in our generation are going to have a rude awakening in the next few years. We do the same actions and expect a different outcome, we stick to the same habits and wonder why we end up in the same place.

You can’t make a pot roast and expect it to come out as a fucking cake.

So take that new route home, go flirt with that coffee guy who “isn’t your type” and stop pulling yourself back into your comfort zones. This advice is brought to you by a lady who has been shoved out of her comfort zone enough times. It usually feels like riding on a train only to be kicked off cause you didn’t have the proper ticket. You knew you didn’t have the right ticket and its a sinking feeling when you get caught. That is how I felt after realizing I had made the wrong choice, I had tried to find a loop hole instead of paying responsibly. If you ignore the signs life gives you, ignore that gut feeling, I’m afraid you will always find yourself getting chucked off moving trains.
The fun part about moving forward is the right things, the fun things, and the meaningful things become clearer. Perfect example of this was last friday when I adventured to the Toronto Island Cafe. From reading my blog you’ll know I went to an art school downtown, and you’ll know I have an incredible circle of talented friends. Zak Miller or Hummus as his nickname was, I can’t remember how that name came to be, maybe we just liked chickpeas a lot. Anyway he play’s in his band called Zakary Miller & The Filthy 5 Brass Band all around Toronto. We got lucky to watch him do his thing in a beautiful garden cafe setting, surrounded by wine and hula hoopers as the sun set slowly. My girls Cat, Meghan, Sarah and I sat around a white picnic table under twinkle lights laughing and enjoying the most lovely music coming from someone who we know and love. Zak even did an ODB rendition of “Baby I Got Your Money” which got everyone singing along. I spent most of the time just taking it all in, seeing how lucky I was and eying the smoking hot bartender that I later realized also went to high school with us. I drunkenly elbowed Sarah and pointed towards the bar but before she could roll her eyes Meghan chimed in loudly proclaiming his name and that we did indeed know him. I sank slowly behind the flower bouquet center piece and avoided eye contact with the younger pretty girls at the next table who had overheard.
What?
Yea I get immediately shy when people find out Im checking them out and then try and act coy by sipping my wine and awkwardly laughing. I find the wine flushes my cheeks more than the embarrassment does, or I just loudly proclaim ” I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM”
The night ended with a lovely last song from Zak and his band, we all gave him a huge hug and gratefully thanked him for such an amazing evening across the lake. That is the beautiful thing about having a school that nurtured us as artists, we never forget that bond we all have. Its been almost 14 years since we all were young artists creating and figuring out who we were and what we could offer. We are still mostly all doing just that, creating and enjoying the art we were trained to do.

Remember my loves everything takes time and you have a whole lot of it. Enjoy getting out of your comfort zones, go see some live music, call an old friend, and take a chance on being out of the ordinary.
A good life takes 3 things in my opinion;
Patience, Passion, and Persistence.

Below are some tracks laid down By Zak and his band so have a listen, follow him on Facebook here and go out and see these lovelies live.

Zakary Miller  – Baby I got Your Money

Zakary Miller – Baby’s A Drink

XOXO

– Casey Jane

Waltzes with Lions, Scarecrows, and Tin Men

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My darling readers how are you?
Are you sleeping well? Having good sex?
Getting outside and day drinking in Bellwoods in the company of your tattooed friends and can ladies? 

I do hope you are because its finally not hell frozen over in our little city of Toronto. I posted this on Facebook back in the winter time but whoever complains about the heat is getting throat punched by my boney knuckles. I had my first sit on my front stoop on Queen West the other morning with my coffee and a delightful cigarette. I like where I live cause I get to people watch, although I’m sure the people I’m watching think I”m homeless or just took a break from my walk of shame home. I’m usually in some sort of tights and big shirt combo with un-brushed hair and saucer sized sunglasses to hide making actual eye contact with anyone. I’ve clearly gotten very comfortable looking like a weirdo in public and my “give a fuck” meter seems to have imploded.

I feel like I’m at the point now where I’ve used every excuse in the book. I’ve blamed every other possible circumstance for my own and I’ve allowed so many dumb people influence me into thinking I’m anything other then myself. I’ve been a scape goat, dodged, tucked and rolled from so many problems I’ve initially made for myself in the first place. I’m starting to see these same excuses, same verses being used on me as well. I’m stubborn as fuck but I have stubbed my own toe enough to realize now that owning up to your reality and owning up to your potential is a really incredible thing. Its also bat shit crazy how fast everything changes around you, how quickly people you thought should be in the picture get erased and how instantly you start attracting the things that are needed in your life. It can be lonely and confrontational at some points because being honest with yourself doesn’t mean that others are going to be honest with you. A lot of people will treat you as they treat themselves, sometimes that’s being treated like shit and sometimes its being treated with so much love you can’t handle it. That is because either people compensate for the lack of love they give themselves or they search for people that will give them what they can’t or won’t give back. Its frustrating, its humbling and it can, oddly enough, be empowering, knowing all these things before interacting with someone. 

I’m tip toeing into my next shit lesson I learned the other day, know when to walk away. Like I said before I am stubborn, I’m like a kid that doesn’t want to part with her teddy bear. I hold on to things with clenched fists until I black out from exhaustion, I never want to know that I failed at something or that things are indeed not going to work out. Rejection and failed attempts are not something we all like to seek. Some people I know attract it like white on rice and others know how to take it on and turn it into something amazing. I’m somewhere in the middle because I’ve failed A LOT and had that feeling that the badness is never going to stop. However I’ve also pulled myself together and used the rejection to fuel something really amazing. Like a new photo shoot or a job opportunity that I would have never sought after. Being knocked down helps you get better at bouncing back up but it doesn’t mean its a pleasant thing to go through time and time again.

But then again how will you ever know about something if you never try?

I thought I had finally met someone that clicked into my world, I put myself out there more so than I have in a long time. I was fearless with being myself and only backed off a couple times because of fear, but I kept trying. Then that trying became chasing which then became exhausting. I thought about the times we spent together and why it was so different when we weren’t. Why this distance immediately happened after we would spend the night together talking and laughing. I was putting myself out there so clearly he was too right?
How silly and wrong I was, I tell myself how I should have seen the signs but I thought being patient and allowing something to unfold was a great new thing Id try. I’m usually a dive right in type of lady so this time I thought maybe this was healthy, taking it easy and letting the time figure out whether this was indeed a good thing. That slowness turned into a thought that maybe something was up and maybe I wanted something more than he did. Problem was this poor fellow was so lost in his own past that I don’t think I could have squeezed in and that’s crazy cause I fit into most overhead compartments. I wanted to and I could feel myself holding on again, that same tension and grip Ive been attracted to before…I just didn’t have it in me this time.
So there I was in my bed dealing with my sinking stomach and the frustration of failure and the hurt of rejection yet again. I teared up, put on my sappiest music and leaned out my window to stare at the finally quiet Queen street. I first blamed myself, than I got angry, then I got sad again but this time I got sad for him. I got sad knowing that there are so many people living under their past when really they should be letting it go. I have my faults but I know how I like to be treated and how I treat people. It was upsetting that someone I saw something in could want to hold on to things that hurt to the point where I walked away. I woke up with an emotional hangover and spent the day slapping my phone out of my hand in attempts to hold on to that idea I had of him. I played out stupid movie moments of him realizing what he had lost and running down Kensington Avenue in the rain like a regular Hugh Grant. I thankfully woke up from my unrealistic imagination, grabbed a coffee and continued to work my day like I wasn’t bitter and dead inside. After enough writing and enough alone time I finally let it be and figured I was better off holding my own hand.

Tomorrow I have my first day off in a long time and I plan to spend it with myself because I’m realizing I’m pretty fun to hangout with. Thanks for reading lovelies and I hope you always look out for yourselves, just remember to keep the truth going inside.

xox

Casey Jane

Tune Time to match the mood

Sanders Bohlke – Somewhere
Trent Dabbs  – I’m not OK
Paolo Nutini – Growing up beside you
Sanders Bohlke – Misdirection

 

Welcome to the Muppet Show

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I woke up with my head spinning this morning, mainly because of a hangover but also because its the end of the month. RENT TIME my least favourite day of the month because its a constant reminder that Im not financially sound yet. Its the day where I question what Im doing with my life and if all this struggle is worth a damn. I sit at my window and watch people drive by and I envision their bank statements above their head. I think about if they know what its like to actually not have a penny to their name. I wonder about my friends and if they go through the same thing, the same stress and self doubt that I do. I don’t have family to support me when times are tough, I have my roommate that calms the storms when she can, I have my best friends who take me out when I need to forget, and I have myself to pick up the slack and snap back into the hustle. Thats really all one needs and Im grateful for the people in my life, thats one thing I constantly send out to the universe is thanks for the beautiful people I have around me. 

The last couple days have been weird and wonderful as most days are in the past little while. Kate left me to my own devices over the weekend which wasn’t the best idea as I was reeling from an over creative week and hadn’t dealt with the demons I usually run out. I was my own one woman muppet show flying around the city with friends only to arrive home alone with a box of pizza pockets wishing I wasn’t such a nut bar. I try really hard to have self control but sometimes that little Casey takes the drivers seat and joy rides me into a Las Vegas setting of booze and popularity. I can’t describe the feeling of wanting something so badly to change yet fighting the old habits of my past that keep it from changing  

What is it that I want so badly? 

Normality and stability…I want to work during the week and I want to look at my bank statement and see the rewards of a good job that gives me purpose and confidence. Every one paid styling job I get there are 4 jobs I did for free and its wearing me down to a fine point. I even looked at bar tending jobs the other day and thought about stepping aside from the crazy dream of mine…but I know I won’t give up. I was raised by two people who never let anyone tell them how to live and how to make a living so maybe thats a blessing and a curse. Im trying to pave my own way and its very different that anyone in my family which makes it also very hard to explain to them that I DO work all the time I just don’t get paid for it…yet. I was telling my friend Tyler the other day that I think I have some supernatural patience, waiting for things is something Im very bad and good at. Bad because I get trigger happy and loose my cool only to wind up wishing I had looked before I leaped. Good because my resilience and persistence is that of a lion, I love deeply, I care deeply and I believe in the beauty of life too much to let a little ugliness send me down the wrong path. 

Oh yea and Id like a companion, a nice man to ask me how my day was and cuddle me until we realize we haven’t left my bed in two days. Ive met a really nice one it just seems the universe is keeping us busy with our own lives so I don’t have a firm grasp of what it is yet. Lets not forget my rejection fears and all that other fun stuff that goes on in a lady’s head. Im trying to not think so much, play it cool man, act like your not freaking out on the inside. Im not very good at that and Im also hell bent on not apologizing and not buying into all those “dating” games. Im the type of gal where if I like you then Im going to show you, Im going to act like my weird self because if I don’t then it’ll come as a complete shock to any man of how big of a person I am. I don’t want someone I have to hide away from anymore, I used to and it never ended well for me. Again I try and act all “I don’t need a man, I like being alone” and I do but I really want this time to work. I want to show vulnerability and I want show that the door is open and Im not going to slam it in his face. 

I want to slam my own face in a door right now..

Im scared though…Im scared of a lot of things that people don’t see in me. Im scared that everyone is going to get sick of me and my life. Im scared people are going to stop believing in me and its going to turn into a emotional shit show. Im terrified of failing and having to start all over again. Sometimes I worry that all this sacrificing and chasing is going to leave me alone and successful which isn’t success to me. I worry that Im going to be single forever, and I worry that my career is becoming too much of everything. I worry about my friends thinking Im taking advantage of them because its been 2 years of this and in anyones eyes that should be enough time to figure out how to pay rent and do a job well.

I wish it was…I really really do. 

Its just not that easy when you just have yourself to pick things up again, but thats life and everyone else has their own battles to fight. I can choose to let peoples doubt take ahold of me and change what Im doing. I can choose to allow all the worries and fears shut me up and just make money and live. I won’t though, not after all the work Ive done and not after all the other people Ive had to walk away from because they couldn’t handle it or didn’t want to. What I can say is that when I see someone struggle, when I see a friend having a hard time I relate instantly. I try everything to lift them up or make their day a little easier because Ive been there too many times and had a lot of people make it their mission to kick me when Im down. I know the feelings so well I almost take on their stress as my own, it still amazes me that people are still so careless with other peoples feelings. It just takes a second to remember a time when you were like them and take actions to help wherever you can. 

Im going to attempt to slow my brain down and see if I can turn this day into a successful one rather then a string of anxiety attacks and self loathing. 

 

– Casey Jane aka Paper Bag Princess 

St Lucia – All Eyes on You
Seoul – Stay With Us

Lighting Fires in a Spring Dress

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The thing between your ears, that lovely network of emotions and thoughts is a fickle thing when you don’t take care of it properly. I think I’ve run the tank dry after last week and it left me in a sea of sweat and a fun thing called night terrors. If you’ve ever experienced a night terror you’ll be well aware of the realness your subconscious can create. I’ve never been diagnosed with anything in the mental capacity, maybe it’s out of fear I might be a doctors pharmaceutical wet dream. In any case I woke up at 5am this morning in tears and screaming thinking I was back in my old Parkdale apartment with my ex, my old boss, and a tall native man with 24 kids holding a gun to my head.
MORNING!!!!
You can imagine my first alive thought was “I’m fucking loosing it” and the worst part was that I found myself utterly alone with myself. My consciousness had cornered me in a situation I’ve been avoiding over the last couple days…myself. Last week was filled with a lot of alone time travelling to and from photography sets and studios. I gave and gave and gave without giving myself a breath of fresh air or time to ask myself how I was actually feeling. I just drowned that breath in alcohol and told myself to shut up and man up, grab my balls, ya know, all manly and shit…
If you know me that last statement is as far from who I am but is how I attempt to act most of the time. I’m a tough cookie but I’m overly sensitive to other peoples emotions and the lovely heart attacks life throws at me. I can go for a long time and work myself to the point where I just crash and burn in a fiery display of partying and lonely pizza pocket eating at 4am. It’s those ego/fear fuckers that jumped on my worn out soul the minute I let my guard down…
And I let it happen.
I’m taking it as another lesson learned that neglecting myself at this stage in my career and my life is NOT an option. It’s one thing to work hard but it’s another thing to let that hard work take over all the other important things in my life, like taking care of me. I’ve been such an asshole to myself lately just throwing myself around this city to distract the fact that I have my feelings hurt by life.
The funny part is that I’ve accomplished some crazy stuff last week as far as my styling. I worked with Laura Siegel one of my designer icons and got to meet the lovely lady at her studio. I got hired back as an on set stylist for another four harlequin shoots with a stylist I admire and a crew I adore. I made it to the second round of interviews for Holt Renfrew in their visual department and helped a dear friend move into a new place. Not to mention I did laundry for the first time in months. It’s crazy I have enough clothes to last me that long but I’ll tell ya I was starting to wear some wacky ass outfits by the end.
I even read over this post and want to smack myself over how hard I am on myself. However that’s the great part, that’s the good fight but it doesn’t fix the fact I’m still struggling with rent, I’m still in this weird limbo of slowly moving forward with some things and holding back on others. I keep telling myself it’s for the greater good, being patient and persistent will bring what I want into my life. It will, but the in between is a fucking lonely ass place to be especially when everyone else in my life are going through very different life changes.
All my friends seem to be having so many lovely life moments in the past little while as far as their personal lives. It’s that time in life where families are being formed, relationships are moving to new levels and here I am in the middle of it all genuinely happy and insanely lonely at the same time. I feel their love, I see it, I give it back but at the end of it all I walk away holding my own hand. I’m constantly on the run and it makes me laugh that I have such a handle on my career path but I’m driving drunk in my personal lane crashing into dates and dinners. I put on a good show I’ll give myself that, it’s a deranged thing my dating life and the way I have acted with men the last year. Its gotten to the point where I don’t want to fight for anyone anymore because I’ve lost that fight so many times before. Now you can reply to that with the idea that the right person will put up the fight. I guess I had my heart set on someone I thought I could take a chance on and it doesn’t seem to be working out that way. I have to be ok with that but god dammit I’d love to feel that spark again with someone. I’m just not about to settle on a fake flame for the sake of not having to be the third wheel all the time.

I’ve got a lot more writing to do today so I’m kind of happy it’s raining buckets outside. I do want to say thank you to everyone reading this blog, it’s sometimes therapeutic but it’s also a way of sharing the fact that I am human.

Everybody poops.

Xox

– Casey Jane

Robby Hecht – New York City
J Tillman – Make Me A Pallet On Your Floor
Lord Huron – Lonesome Dreams

I’m having a 2014 Orgasm

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So it’s a new year, I got to shut the door on the hardest year of my life and I’m proud of it. I can look back and actually see how far I’ve gone with the mindset of doing what I want and having what I want in life. It’s been hard, no it’s been harder than hard, it’s been like trying to crack a diamond. I know there’s harder years to come but I feel like I’ve really gone through the foundation of what my life’s purpose is and what I want. I’m open to change but I really got to know myself this year on so many levels, some days I didn’t believe who’s head I was in. Mind you those days ended in me crumpled on my floor surrounded by fabric wondering when I’d be taken away to an institution…ok exaggeration however in my head that’s the picture that forms.
I also learned how important your friends are and the company you keep around you. I gained so many amazing friends last year and deepened those who have been with me for years. I was so blown away by the creative and positive people around me all I wanted to do was constantly give my love back. I learned about how many different friendships you can have and how special each one is, I don’t take one for granted because in some way it shaped who I am now. It’s funny how the ones that were always meant to be in your life just easily are, even if time passes they’ll always come back like it didn’t. I’ve had a lot of crazy moments where the right people showed up at the exact right time, I can recall every one of them and they’ve made me believe that things really do happen for all the right reasons.
You just have to let them.
This year is my launch pad year, I’ve built the foundation and now I need to apply all that to the career I’m going to make a living at and a good one. This year I learned a lot of skills, my sewing ability has tripled thanks to Keira (Handsome&Lace) and my wardrobe work, my creativity is at an all time high, like Salvador Dali when he had his throwing cats phase…
I don’t want to fuck this year up, I certainly don’t want to continue making the same mistakes and I’m determined to catch myself before any irrational decision especially in the finance department. It’s terrifying when you get to another level in life because you build this inner pressure for yourself to not fail. I’m kinda the master at failing elegantly until I can shut the door of my room and cry with a lit cigarette. Failing is learning and its going to happen but as I’ve learned you can stop the same mistakes from happening if you take time to figure out why you did it, why it happened. Having a journal constantly in my bag has been an incredible reference for myself and a great downloading device. Writing takes those little or big dreams you have and makes them slowly come alive, it affirms them and kinda makes them a little more real every time. Think of it like making money, you don’t just think about it, you go out and earn it and its the same with making your wants and needs come true. You have to make it happen and the best way is to just start writing exactly what it is you want. For me I find I have too much going on in my head at all times so writing lets me take the thoughts that are either occurring or are literally thoughts that make me the happiest to think about.
So here’s the magic part that ill share with you. Last year when I knew I would be going through a lot of change I wrote down some goals that I thought would push me to be a better me, as you do come New Years. I wrote a bunch of things down but here’s the really cool part, as of last month I crossed all these off as accomplished.
Goal number one was to start assisting under a freelance stylist and I did that.
Goal number two was to get my own place downtown, well come August I found the best place with my best pal Kate.
Goal number three was to style with a Canadian designer named Laura Siegel and yup, that happened.
Goal four was to work wardrobe on a concert, I was backstage…well under the stage at the Taylor Swift concert dressing all her dancers for 3 nights.
Goal five was to get published and in just one year I have been published over 8 times in online and print publications.
Goal six was rely on myself and be independent, that took awhile but I’m happy to say that these days I’m a pretty good solo trail blazer.
Goal seven was to meet with the CEO of Holt Renfrew to gain some insight and I can happily say that I not only met him I still get little emails of encouragement from him.
And lastly I wanted to be Stylist on a music video, this took the longest but just last month I was hired to style a Down With Webster music video that will be aired on Much Music and MTV Canada.

So there’s your proof, all these things that happened were all from me sitting on my empty apartment floor with a blank piece of sketch paper writing each one out. I remember thinking I was crazy, and sighing about how lovely it would be if these things could be true. Now I obviously worked my ass off but having these goals in my mind literally attracted them to my life, I didn’t strategically seek out each goal. I just kept growing and kept doing things that I wanted to do, I would literally wake up some mornings just holding things in my mind and sure enough I would get an email, a phone call, or a text that had the very next step. All I had to do was say yes, forget about the fear, forget my insecurities and just do it. There were a lot of times where I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing, there were a lot of times where I thought I was on the right path but got the rude awakening that I wasn’t. The thing is I never stopped, I never gave up, even when I was flat broke and couldn’t pay my rent. I remember some gigs I wouldn’t have enough money to even get there so I’d wake up extra early, pack my suitcase and walk to whatever studio I’d have to be at because nothing was going to stop me. I’ve always let money dictate who I am and what I can do but after this year…well it’s just such a silly thought now. You can do it, you just have to want it badly enough, you have to need it, nothing standing in your way is a brick wall that you can’t climb over. I’ve been at part time jobs where I’ve walked across the city to get to and not been able to eat all day but I did my job because I knew that all of it would be worth it one day, and it is.

So that’s my New Years advice to you, keep going, make goals and know that literally anything is possible. I want to thank all my dearest friends for their constant support and love, without them I wouldn’t have been able to push myself so hard.
Kate, Meghan, Sarah, Cat, Shaina, Branko, Gooding thank you for being my rocks and my extended family and believing in me even when I didn’t. Tyler, Aaron, Pat, Joel, Shawna, and Brook thank you for bringing me into your circle and giving me the most hilarious and exciting summer. I remember the first bellwoods croquet game I came to and not only did you all offer me a drink I ended up skinny dipping with all of you that night.
And a big thank you to my parents for constantly supporting me, never in my life has either of them shot down a dream I had, never have they enforced anything on me other then my values, love for others and the idea that I can really do anything I put my mind too. This year I got to photograph both my mum and my dad on two different occasions and to have them be involved in my work makes me the happiest daughter in the world!
To my work friends who made all the difference in my styling skills, contacts and experiences you are the foundations of what my career is developing into. Kirsten White you above all gave me my first break as a stylist and I will NEVER forget that day you called me and not only hired me but gave me exactly what I needed to know to do a good job. Marie Eve Tremblay for taking me on for 6 months and literally putting me through assistant boot camp, I would not have the work drive and passion I have now if it wasn’t for you. Laura DiMarcantonio for taking me on as your assistant and teaching me on set etiquette and what is expected of me. Patrick Lacsina and Amanda Blair Robson for being the very first creative I’ve ever done, you two have been so good to me and I love all the work we’ve created together this year. Bri and Britt of Jane & Jane for constantly blowing my mind with your creativity and excitement whenever we have a project together, you two always inspire me to be better and more creative. Thomas Dagg for talking shop with me, bringing me on a short film, photographing my dad while sailing and showing me that I can indeed get my photo taken. Julie and Brianna for helping me put together my mums modelling portfolio, you girls have no idea how much that shoot meant to me and my mum. Erin Heather for being an amazing make up artist and having many late night chats about the industry and making me feel like I wasn’t alone as an artist. Joe at Fresh Collective for being such an amazing person to work with, spending 8 hours with you singing Wilson Phillips songs and making hilarious jokes has been a highlight for me. Getting a part time job seemed like a step backwards at first but fuck am I ever glad I ended up with you. And of corse Keira of Handsome & Lace for hiring me at such an amazing time for your business. I remember the first day we worked together in your studio, we laughed the whole time, had some inspiring deep conversations about life and the importance of doing what you want to do. You are by far the biggest drive these days and whenever I get down I think, man I bet Keira would just hop on her sewing machine and keep going and then I follow suit.
I want nothing but success to everyone I have ever worked for and with, I want all of us in 5 years to look back and be astounded and proud at all the hard work and passion we put into our own careers. I hope I know and work with all of you time and time again and we get to a point where we can all pay each other top dollars for our talents.
And last but not least to everyone that reads this blog, it’s changed so much over the past year and half now and I’m really happy with what it’s evolved into. I hope that through my fuck ups, rants, raves, and opinions some of you feel less crazy and alone in the world because your not. Not many people like to talk about the hard stuff, they focus on the pretty pictures and on the surface success but I really wanted to show people that life isn’t like that and things don’t just happen. I’ve read a lot of blogs that seem to paint this beautiful picture that their lives are full of free gifts, clothing, trips and wonderful things but underneath all that are people that have really pushed themselves to live the life they want. I just happen to show the gritty shit, the break downs, the drinking sprees, and the constant self doubt of being an artist. I’ve gained more readers in the past couple months since I’ve taken the honesty route and I couldn’t be happier. Sometimes it’s really hard putting myself on this because I really can’t control who reads it, but then again maybe I needed that to really stop caring what people think. I have the people I want around me in life and I’m unapologetic about what I write on here because its real, I don’t lie and I don’t make up shit just to get followers. It’s funny how a person could literally follow my entire life last year just by reading through this blog. I’ve had moments where people have come up to me at parties and hugged me because of something I wrote about which is a pretty crazy thing, but I love it and I goon out over it.

So here’s to 2014, the year I make my bitch!

I love you all, your all Honey Bears in my book!

P.S
Top four of Handsome&Lace photos care of Jane&Jane Photography
Picture of my mum care of Modelight photography
Two of me dancing and Branko and Tyler hugging care of Keiran Meyn photography