Stranded in the Nevada Desert Drunk Telling Folk Stories

 Adulthood, its a trial and error of vast levels, like being put in a barrel and rolled down a hill. If you don’t vomit you’ll get that promotion you wanted. I’ve been living the life of the weekend warrior playing socialite and party monster while keeping up an important work ethic during the week. I’m learning more then I ever have and its incredibly terrifying. The learning Im going to have to seek is daunting, but the results are what make me smile in the morning on a rainy Monday.

The love life?

I want it to feel like Lord Hurons new album sounds, I want it to blind side me like the bottle of Basil Hayden’s Bourbon did when I bought it last week. I took it home and basked in its romantic tango with the melodies coming from my new itunes purchase.

I’m describing bourbon and music as my compromise to my failing love life…

I’m figuratively stranded in the god damn Nevada desert drunk telling folk stories.

I’m stubborn as fuck, which makes it hard to settle for anything that doesn’t make me have that “short of breath” feeling. Why not wait and kill time cock blocking your guy friends and coming home to sit in front of your oven patiently waiting for your Hawaiian pizza pockets?

There is NOTHING wrong with that, although your guy friends might start to not include you in their outings. Unless you live with one of them and chain smoke at the dinner table on a Tuesday morning while he’s attempting to seal a deal.

She sounded like Swedish Minnie Mouse, who sounds like that?

Femme Bots, thats who.

If anything I saved his life from his dick getting vaporized, I am such a good roommate and friend.

“Self high-five.”

I’m starting to figure out the balance and shift from the fashion world, I like this new world. I like the creative possibilities and the people that are drawn to it. I feel like I made the best decision I’ve ever made for myself and Im fucking terrified of it. I’m insanely excited and inspired but its like walking blind folded into a mine field. I’m trying to man the fuck up as fast as I can, the environment adjustment is the biggest.

Don’t get me wrong, its the best environment I could have asked for, I was meant to be here. There is not one doubt about that, however finding my place in it all has taken some time. I’m an attentive sweet little lady but I’m also a creative nut bag and realizing during the week I have to balance that is a hard shift. I have the work ethic of a Wall Street banker but if I haven’t fully gotten a system down the creative comes out and wants to wander.

I’ll get there, I’m meant to get there.

This past weekend I spent with my roommate Tim spontaneously getting the number 6 and an arrow tattooed on us with his sister Molly. Prior to this I was drinking champagne in Bellwoods while my dearest Meghan shot a bubble gun at me. The weekends are becoming memories I could never buy, the realization we are all growing up. Bigger moments and benchmark events are beginning to happen, huge chapters are being written.

Meghan’s getting married, every time I think about that I get this feeling I’ve never felt before. Its like being to a country you’ve never been before.

One of those moments you actually feel life happening.

It like that moment you have with your parents where you understand they are human, the hero’s are mortal and there is so much understanding and appreciation for that.

The thing we all have to remember is to keep being spontaneous, keep living in the moment when you have one. Make time for them, from the finger tips of a hopeless romantic I beg you to take chances. Realize moments you would normally be distracted by your phone. Remember at the other side of that dating app is a real human being and live a little, its not a game and its ruining our ability to communicate.

I sink myself into a feeling and this summer I truly believe a lot of us are going to shed the vulnerability and enjoy the wonderful lives we all lead.

Why not?

At the end of it all we are all looking for the happiest we can possibly be.

Thanks for reading Lovelies

Xox

Tunes – Also I don’t know if I’ve said this but these songs are a big part of my writing process. I’m also someone who can’t have silence, I drive my friends nuts with always trying to find a plug in for my iphone.

Elvis Presley – Mystery Train  

Lord Huron – Luisa 

Death cab For Cutie – You’ve Haunted Me All My Life

Max Frost – Let Me Down Easy 

Lord Huron – Fool For Love

St Paul and The Broken Bones – It’s Midnight

What the Fuck Am I Doing? A 27 Year Olds Dilemma.

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I have gone under the radar again as far as wanting to share my life lately. I can’t say since I’ve been back things went right back to normal. They all changed as they do at this stage in my little existence. It’s funny looking back at myself, it’s embarrassing how many things I ignored that were so blatantly wrong. Being away from home for 26 days didn’t seem to have changed me much when I was in the thick of it.

I came back to a new roommate and adjusted accordingly, actually very comfortably. I really lucked out with Tim and I know he lucked out with me.

“Cough”

Because I’m awesome.

“Cough”

I guess we both were meant to end up under the same roof because it’s been so lovely in my humble downtown apartment. By lovely I mean the two of us laughing until our faces hurt. I feel like I’m back in my acting days making up voices, tag lines, and puns that make Tim’s face contort into someone who’s having a stroke. I love nothing more than to be a full blown idiot in my house and it’s nice to have someone who shares in it. Tim’s already had to carry me to bed, let me in because I forgot my keys, and more consistently dealt with me hungover.

Needless to say we are getting along swimmingly.

In booze.

It’s winter, we all turn into functioning alcoholics this time a year, it’s the spirit of Christmas!

I recently received the title of single again in the last few weeks which wasn’t the worst. The first two days I went into full female breakup mode, you know, wear the same sweater/yoga pant ensemble while your friends funnel wine down your throat.

At that point I thought about how I really felt, away from the comfort of companionship, away from the prospects, away from the fear of being alone.

Was I really happy?

The answer was no, I wasn’t anymore.

I’m at a point now where I ask myself this question a lot to kind of let my gut have a moment to put her two cents in. I sometimes ignore it or Im well aware that something needs to change. Sometimes it does this real fun thing where it makes the decision you won’t make regardless of your actions. Those are the times you learn something, at least for me it’s always another hint that I need to listen to myself just a little harder.

I’m ok being alone as long as I’m happy, I’m not shutting myself down either. I made a promise to myself that I would never allow something in my past to affect a new opportunity. I’d never want that done to me and yet it has been done to me a few times. It’s no biggy, people just have a hard time letting go, they don’t give themselves time to do it, it’s a really sad thing.
So here I am hurdled back into single-hood having to make sure my hair is brushed and socks are matched. Ok, the sock matching is never going to happen because clearly ALL my socks divorce one another once they reach the laundry mat.

That reminds me I have to put socks on my wish list…

Work life is all over the map right now, I’m in a vortex of transition. I find being 27 is a roller coaster of “WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING” moments mixed with social dilemmas of “How much wine do I have to drink to be brave enough to talk to that cute guy?”
I want to go back into costuming, I miss story telling with clothing, I miss the work ethic and the environment. My training has always stemmed from my love for the stage, that’s how this whole wardrobe love started. It’s not an easy transition to make in this economy, in this overly competitive, who you know society.

However I do have this annoying habit of being relentless in getting what I want.

I blame being a Leo and a product of an Irish woman and Dutch man.

I’m back to freelancing, I’ll be in survival mode for the next month but things always have a way of leading me to where I need to be. I’ll reach out to those who have helped me in the past, I’ll bombard the internet with my CV and website, and I’ll be patient. In the meantime I’ll be back to making money here, there, and everywhere.

Tonight will be the girls annual secret Santa and we’ve all agreed to make a gift. Needless to say we’ll probably all be getting Pinterest fails while each gift comes with a bottle of wine as an apology for the ball of glue and glitter given. By the end of the night we’ll all be in animal onesies explaining the process of creating each horrendous craft.

I love my friends.

They are what make me believe I’m a good person and that I do attract the love that I put out. Seeing my close friends interact at this stage in my life is incredible. I know I’m loving because they are, I know I’m strong because each one of them exudes it, and I know I care about myself because they really care about themselves.

You can’t have friends like that unless you can give yourself that same love. I’m convinced that even in my most doubtful moments I think about who I have around me and know everything will be ok. I know my friends are loyal and always will be. They are a constant reminder of how much I have to take care of myself and take care of their friendship.

It’s family after all.

Happy Holidays Lovelies,

I’ll be hosting the Tuninga family dinner this year so I’ll be sure to report back with pictures of my father parading around in an Ozzy Osbourne wig screaming “MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS”.

Cafe Dialogues and Waffle Fires

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So I lied…I took another week retreat from writing again, I think the last post made me want to dig deeper and figure out where the hell I’m at in my head these days. I don’t think I’ve made much progress other then a clear realization that I’m emotionally unavailable and addicted to drinking coffee and writing about how emotionally unavailable I am…does that sound conceded? I’m just seriously curious to this huge shift in myself, for those that really know me would ask the same thing. I’m usually a heart sleeve wearing, open door swaying, relationship overdosing kinda gal. Nowadays I’m a on the surface, at a distance, relationship dodging loose canon who can’t seem to get her words straight.
However in my work, well I’m on fucking fire, and actually almost literally as I learned my roommate this morning almost burnt down our apartment due to a over toasted ego waffle…she’s seriously going to kill me one of these days. I currently have 4 jobs including my freelancing which right now is collecting dust but it’s fine because with all the bouncing around I’ve been doing I’m kinda thankful for the break. I’m putting together a look book shoot with Handsome&Lace and my two favourite photographers Jane & Jane . I’m so excited about this shoot for many reasons. The main one being I get to help Keira create a press book that will really speak to our customers and show off the vibe we want to give out as a label/business. Not to mention I get to style 6 gentlemen and work with four of my favourite creative people in my life right now. I’m starting to really believe that I’ve found my purpose and that I’m really building an amazing career for myself, I remember when I thought styling was it but now I’m starting to see that was just the tip of the iceberg.
I’m starting to see what exactly I want for the next couple years as far as my own path goes. Im drawing pictures constantly in my head of my day to day life. Day dreaming I think is the main thing that keeps me moving forward, knowing that I’ve started to make my dreams come true already. It sounds really dorky, like almost goon worthy I know but I’m telling you if you think hard enough about something you truly want, you take the time to dream about it, write about it, do things that reference it, it’ll happen one way or another. It’s one of the reasons I don’t give up and why I take so many risks in figuring my life out and it’s certainly is the reason I am where I am right now. I’m young and I don’t see the point in playing safe at this stage, I think in your late twenties you should fuck up and be fearless because you realistically can. There is no excuse why anyone in their twenties can’t live the way they want and pursue anything they want, we have the energy, the social circles and the potential. I’m not talking about money, money doesn’t matter at all, obviously pay your bills and get by but I see too many of us chasing this unrealistic lifestyle of fancy this and glorified that. I’d much rather be poor now and work towards what I want to do than make good money now at something ill probably hate in a couple years. Besides you can be poor and not look it, I still dress nice, smoke my more expensive brand of smokes, have the occasional (less nowadays) night out and pay my rent. I have amazing friends, a wonderful creative circle and the random date everyone now and then…ya know to hold off the urge of getting 2 cats and to start a knitting club.
Those lonelies comes and go still, it’s a natural feeling when you see couples out shopping and being all gross and adorable. I have a new thing I do where I sit in cafes and make fake stories for couples who are sitting together. Sometimes I do it for single people too, mainly for attractive aloof men that are more interested in their copy of Palahniuk’s new book then whatever the fuck I’m up to. I recently saw a couple sitting together where one was reading a play and the other was doing the crossword…I didn’t know whether to instagram their perfect hipster love or hope the ceiling would cave in on their ironic happiness. I do enjoy seeing people happy together, I’m not a creeper that stocks happy couples for my own humility and commentary, it hasn’t gotten that bad yet. Deep down I know I like being alone, I know I have a long road of figuring myself out and I’m glad I’m taking the time to do it, rather then getting into a relationship for all the wrong reasons. I have no reason to get into a relationship, other then being lonely sometimes and that’s a wrong reason to search for the magic one. That’s like deciding to eat ice cream with a dairy intolerance, you missed it but your ass and insides certainly didn’t.
Besides all that I have a great relationship that I’m in with my roommate, I don’t where my stuff starts and her stuff begins. I find myself wanting to stay in and hangout with her more so than I want to go out and meet people. She makes me dinner, we always go out as a pair and to be honest she’s the only one I want to have a date night with, well other then the other 4 nut bar women I call my best friends. We have fart attacks, heart attacks and laugh attacks on the daily, I’ve seriously never laughed so hard in my life over someone attempting to order take out after having one to many silly sticks. I tuck her in to bed when she’s drank too much and she gives me drinks when I’ve cried too much. I think having that kind of dynamic with someone can really help you figure out what’s important to you and what you won’t give up on, friendship doesn’t just come and go like most relationships do. Having someone to go through things with that truly gets it is priceless, fuck MasterCard cause having a best girlfriend trumps any cute commercial with a baby playing in a box.

I think that’s all from me today, I’m off to sew some more opportunities and get my apartment clean for my parents inevitable invasion tonight. It’ll be lots of cheap wine, pasta and playing find and hide the paraphernalia we have scattered around the house…I always forget we have leopard fuzzy handcuffs hanging in our bathroom.

Here’s some Tunes for ya

Dustin Tebbutt – The Breach
Radical Face – The Mute
Rhodes – Run
Hey Marseilles – Bright Star Burning
Boy and Bear – Old Town Blues

Photos above in Order:
My best friend Branko who has been staying at my place for the past couple weeks played Lees Palace on Friday with Brendan Canning of Broken Social Scene, you can check there new music video out here
My friend Meghan turning herself into captain twister, conquering of awkward parties and defender of overtly sexual games
Again…Meghan and Sarah got into my closet and had a floor jam session equipped with fruit ukulele and feather boa
And lastly me in a change room…I’m going to a wedding over the weekend and because I never get to dress up I decided to go a little fancy pants with a lace cocktail dress.

The Hilarity Of It All…

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So it’s come to my attention that I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IM DOING! I think it’s better that way, at least then I can’t do anything wrong…that’s how it works right? I don’t mean with my career, actually I have more clarity on that then anything else right now. I’m talking about the day to day happenings of my awkward existence of being single, the hourly replay of me navigating social interactions, and the hours of me trying to crack Facebook, Instagram, and text messages of there meanings…
Realistically it’s all very simple for those who are confident, know what they want, and have no fear of rejection.
I have not met such people but I am told they do exist…in Vegas
I never had problems meeting men, I went to an art school that had every heart throb musician, actor, painter, and writer a love sick teenage girl could ask for. However now almost 26 and without any clue as to who I am and what I want, I find myself like a baked college kid stuck at a Wendy’s drive thru on a Monday night.
Do I want to have drinks? Well yeah. Do I want to have them with you? Well…ugh
It’s this line that makes my legs want to run, it’s makes my heart do weird spastic motions like the time I did waaay too many poppers at a Queens university homecoming. It’s not that “love” tingle it’s that ” I wonder if he knows how utterly lost I am” feeling, kinda the same feeling when you have to poop.
My worries with dating after being in a comfortable relationship for years.
1. What if I fart?
2. Am I drinking my wine too fast? (This is usually always yes)
3. Do I have to shave my legs everyday now?
4. How do we virtually communicate after the physical communication? Or is it the other way around?
5. Is the idea of calling too intense? Do people call each other anymore? Or are we all ok with playing crack the text messaging undertones?
6. If I see you on the street do we hug? Kiss like the French? Or do I run into a nearby alley?
7. What is “hanging out” defined as? Seriously I’m really confused by this one cause my friend Kate asks me to hang out all the time and it’s not the same as other hangouts I’ve encountered.
8. Is being insanely vague a thing now?
9. What’s a condom?
10. Do I say how incredibly nervous I am or do I just smoke a joint in the nearby alley way before going to the restaurant?
11. Is sleeping on a couch considered artistically romantic or economically retarded?
12. When a guy says he’s “figuring himself out” do I run or pour him more wine?
13. Why is it that if you are nice to someone in a conversation they think it means you want to go through #1-10 with them? It’s not…

So these are just some of the many mind fucks I’m going through right now, if your single and can relate to any of these please email me a ten page essay explaining your experience. I think this just might mean that I need to step back and focus on eating sandwiches past midnight while watching Drop Dead Diva on showcase.
I admire all you savvy single people who make this seem like the best club in the whole world to be apart of, you may not always do it with grace but you sure look fulfilled doing the walk of shame at 5am…
I think I may just leave this to the professionals.
If your someone who I might meet in the future, I’m just as confused as you are and I probably held a fart in until my stomach hurt, so your welcome.

Happy Tuesday Lovelies

-Casey Jane