The Night Casey Jane Entered Stage Left and The Symphony Was Drunk.

unnamed unnamed (1) unnamed (2) unnamed (3) unnamed (4)SMASH…

Enter stage left Ms Casey Jane sauntering into a bar after drinking a reverends wife’s yearly supply of wine. Thats 2 bottles and a magnum if you are wondering.The magnum is only when she holds her yearly Tupperware party with the ladies from her knitting club. Agnes is a REAL lush bag when they get into a biblical debate.We however drank all this before midnight, I even wore heels. Mainly because I wore them all day with no socks and didn’t want to alert the authorities that a dead body had been dumped on Queen West.

Entourage enters stage left consisting of one life partner named Justin Edwards. My incredible gay go getter that makes me feel like I’m fucking queen of the world, I also occasionally buy him brunch.
Its a rule between gay/straight life partners.
He took to the party like a conductor at a symphony and left on a man hunt faster than the road runner did when the coyote was getting too close. He’s also designing my apartment so he’s pretty much the full package and he’s mine you cant have him!

Our love is immaculate.

Anyway, I walked in thinking I would spend my time yelling derogatory slurs at my bar tending roommate. I thought I would sit down next to Meghan and get slapped and told how much she loved me. Hell I thought I would end up hammered in front of my oven cursing at it to make my pizza pockets faster.

And then, as if it was as natural as anything I sat down next to him.

Have you ever forgotten something? Like completely? Then out of the blue someone says something, shows you something or just is something and you wonder how you ever forgot it?

Funny isn’t it.

Over on Berkeley St I’ve become in love with putting my key in the door of my office every morning. Turning on the music, the lights, and now that spring is here opening the door to let the long awaited breeze flow in. The guys play fooseball late afternoon while the girls sit around our lounge area talking about escorts and prostitutes over lunch. We’re an amazing bunch that are creating extremely great work. The prostitute conversation expanded because of a mutual love for Pretty Woman, I mean Richard Gere…
COME ON!
I’d totally allow kissing.

Creative meetings, pitches, hallway conversations, conference calls filled with laughing and ideas. Our office is alive and I couldn’t be happier with where I am in life right now.

The homestead is still filled with the insanities of Casey and Tim trying to adult. We found out we have mice, so thats been fun. I keep naming them and then making a personal relationship with them, only I hate them.

Its hate.

Its a hate relationship.

Fred’s the worst cause he just sits in my kitchen staring at me like a smug fuck head.

The girls and I spent saturday getting day drunk and going to our friend Evely’s birthday party. We met for brunch and after the waitress feared we were getting sober poured us each a glass of wine all the way to the top. We ended up buying a birthday present consisting of a plant named Stuart McDick, a bouquet of Pussy Willows and a 4L box of white wine.

Looking back on it now its not a surprise the three of us ended up in a kiddy park trying to drive pedal cars…

Thats what the warm weather brings around here, well not belligerent females defacing a children’s playground. It just brings out life a little more, it brings people together longer and more intimate. My heart sings a lot louder when the sun hits my face when I crash out of my apartment at the start of the day. Warm weather means later nights in parks, longer sits on patios and backyard get togethers that make me you smile from the inside out. It also reminds me every single day I open my deer in headlight eyes that…

I am one lucky fucking bitch.

Spring is here Toronto.

Thanks for reading loves.

Tunes

Lord Huron – Meet Me In The Woods  My favourite album right now, in the words of my dear Kmo “Its my fucking favourite.”

Andy Shauf – Hometown Hero

Lord Huron – Luisa         Again, My fucking favourite.

Leon Bridges – River

Father John Misty – When You’re Smiling and Astride Me

Drew Holcomb & The Neighbors – American Beauty 

Finding Bravery in a Bear Costume

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Life’s funny in the way it plays out, in the way it unfolds, and in the way it shows you the things you deserve whether you think so or not. Here I am sitting at my desk overlooking Queen West replaying the learning and events in the past week. If you read my last weeks post you’ll know that I told the story of my mental illness struggles. You’ll know it was a hard thing to write but I wrote it, I pushed myself for a purpose that was bigger than myself. This blog is supposed to inspire and make people understand that we are all, in the big picture, just humans, trying to find the beauty in it all. I am one of those humans and from that post I’ve found bravery in my life. I found a part of me that wasn’t as strong as some of my other traits. It was the missing piece I have been searching for to move my life along.
Being brave is life saving.
Being brave allows many things to come into your life. Think about it, all those times in your life when you wanted something so bad it took over any inhibitions you created.
You went for it, you said fuck it, you through yourself into the flames you normally would think you’d get burned by. You went for that job opportunity that may be out of your comfort zone. You let your guard down with someone that made your stomach get butterflies. You booked that appointment that would change your health for the best. You opened up to a close friend about something that’s been plaguing you. Yes, you hesitated and yes you felt like you were going to barf and pass out at the same time. But somewhere deep inside you was bravery and the truth in knowing this was and is the right choice.
Now what comes from bravery?
Truth.
Being truthful to yourself and others can only create a world where we can all live as ourselves. I used to lie a lot because I wasn’t brave enough to be myself. I would create stories and false promises because I wanted to please people because what would I do on my own? I felt like I needed these people who told me what was best, what I should be doing, how I should act.
It was all bullshit.
I realized my freedom while up at my best friend Sarah’s cottage last weekend. Five women in a cabin getting hammered after months of planning a simple three day retreat. There was truthful conversations, lots of love, farts (thanks to Kmo) and just admiration for each other. I never thought twice about walking around the cottage in Cats Roots sweatshirt onsie while drinking a caesar out of a champaign flute. We certainly didn’t care making Kmo dress up in a bear costume and going to the only local bar in town to play pool belligerently. And we also didn’t care that we all told one van that cut us off to suck our butts while doing a jack off hand motion through all our windows.

It’s being unapologetically yourself that attracts the right people into your life, the right people for you.

Which is how I met the gentleman from the beaches ( I didn’t tell him I was writing about this so he’ll have a nickname for now) the man I’m happily in a relationship with. It’s easy to say he came out of nowhere, because he did, however the timing couldn’t have been better. The woman that I am now and the man that he is seemed to collide at the right speed. I’ve had my single rants about dying alone in a bed of pizza pocket boxes and wine bottles. I’ve regaled stories of dates gone wrong where I’ve had food in my hair, I’ve shown up drunk, or planned a picnic only to get eaten alive by fire ants.
These escapades have all been hilarious and have kept me single because as I’ve also said “I’m not settling on maybes and sures” I wanted to meet someone and instantly say to myself “I WANT ALL OF THAT”. GB was that guy and I’m only assuming I was that lady the night we met. It was like a switch clicked and everything I was ever scared of or questioned with a man went black. Now I’m not saying I’m still not terrified, I’ve spent so much time being alone that it’s all a lot to take in.
But you know what?
It’s really easy to do this time and that’s the way it should be.

So if you’ve learned anything from me is that I know nothing.
Seriously, I’m just aware of myself more then I ever have and that keeps me at an advantage in moving forward. I trust myself and that is why I am working the career I want, that’s why I have the greatest friends, and that’s why I’m now not going to spend Friday nights alone in a sea of pad Thai and cheap white wine.
Ok those nights will still happen…
What the fuck am I thinking?

I’m going to keep epically failing so that I can notoriously prevail in this little life of mine.

Thank you again for reading lovelies, and remember if you know someone who is suffering from any mental illness please give them a stage to stand on. Back to my last post, Robin William’s death taught us anything is that we are all battling something. Talk about it openly, support and honour those that do because it’s a huge leap to recovery for them.

Xoxo

Casey Jane

Tunes!

Vance Joy – Ripe tide
Matt Kearney – Dancing in the Dark
Kevin Drew – My God

The Weaker-than

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If anyone ever tells you that your mid twenties will be a breeze should be slapped in the facecloth a bag of Rama noodles. It’s an incredible time to fail miserably and try and gather all the learning from said failure. The last week has been tough and I’ve had to be humbled by the reality that I’m still learning how to do my job, how to work and live as freelance, and I’m still learning how to, what’s that word?
…budget.
It’s been tough, exciting and relentlessly challenging the last month. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to throw in the towel and go back to waiting tables…which isn’t the worst thing but I can’t and I won’t. I’m someone who is really hard on themselves as far as maturity and what I expect from myself, I rarely give myself a pat on the back because its usually never enough.
I always go to my superiors for advice and the same thing is said to me,
“Case, its about persistence, patience, and passion.”
And that’s about it, you chose what you want to do in life, everyday you make choices that either move you forward or keep you in one spot. I could choose to walk away from this, attempt to get a desk job where I have my own cubical and the anticipation of a beer lunch on Fridays. I have every power to just say no this is silly and a waste of time, I’m not the best so why struggle?
I can’t…there’s a point where no matter how scary and hard the road ahead looks its far greater then the knowledge of giving up.
I read this article the other day that called my generation “The Peter Pan” generation (25-35 year olds) we are a bunch of lost boys and girls. We don’t want to commit to anything, we don’t want to become our parents, we don’t want to buy a house, and we certainly can’t even fathom the thought of children…that word makes my lady bits want to run and hide. It’s true, I see it in my friends, myself, I see it in past relationships and the way our culture is nowadays. We don’t want to give up our youthful freedom to become our over worked parents that are from of generation of high divorce rates and mortgages. We have all the possibilities in the world and we are told that daily, we can create our own jobs from the passions we carry.
Honestly…Never Never Land never looked so inviting.
Now there are a few of us that have joined the ranks. They have smartened up to reality and realized they’d rather do something that makes them money and you know…a future. They get to go to Ibiza once a year, have a nice car and a sweet pad in liberty village. Some of them buckled down in their early twenties and got the job they thought or actually wanted and to you I tip my cap!
I did not do any of the above, I was running around Toronto performing in comedy troupes and drinking away my paycheques thinking I was an artist…I was and still am, however now I’m 26 and I feel like my clocks ticker is getting louder. I bounced around too many times, I didn’t stick with something long enough for it to become anything more then a gig. I supported myself through it all and obviously did not give two shits about future Casey, she seemed lame and unimportant. Now I look back at past Casey and I wish I could hit her in her free spirited face.
I was trying to figure what to write about since I haven’t posted anything in two weeks, I wanted to talk about all the exciting things I’ve done. I wanted to talk about how much fun it is living with my best friend Kmo, how I have an insanely fun social life, and how I’m personally figuring out what it is I want for me right now. I have a group of girl friends that keep me alive (literally) and keep me laughing through all the tough times. I have a group of guy friends that keep my life exciting and fun, not to mention they are all complete sweethearts, I’ve never pool hopped so much in my life!
There are many many things I’m grateful for and sometimes I forget that life is amazing and things will get easier and harder at the same time…that’s life and we’ve just been spoiled with the thought that we can have it all. Maybe we can, maybe that’s why so many of us are struggling because we just want the exact life we painted in our minds. Hopefully 5 years from now I can look back at all this and laugh, call myself a whiney bitch and sit back knowing that it was all worth it.

So if any of you are feeling the pressures of a career that’s not traditional, a rent that is a monthly heart attack, and a life that seems like a constant struggle, be thankful for it. I am everyday and though I give myself mild anxiety and feel like a tragic beat poet I wouldn’t want any other life. Ill get by as does everyone else, ill learn to work harder and smarter, and ill get there eventually because Rome wasn’t built in day and neither is a career.

Persistence, Patience, and Passion.

Happy Wednesday Lost Boys and Girls

Xoxo
– Casey Jane

To Be Honest

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When I was growing up I played make believe…like a lot, it was a daily thing for me to make up stories and pretend I was someone else. As I got older I started to lie, I started to make up stories about my life and I would constantly drive my parents up the wall when I became a teenager. It just seemed easier to lie, I didn’t have to worry about excepting failure, or that I was wrong at all, because I was and am a REALLY good lier. The acting classes only fuelled my twisted belief that living life perpetually lying and over dramatic was exciting and care free. Now I want to pull back because I was honest about a lot of things, I had to grow up really fast and I think it was some form of protection for me.
This year I made it my number one goal to be honest, about everything in my life, I say what I feel and more importantly I’m honest with myself, my thoughts, and feelings. It’s been hard, a lot of people can take it the wrong way and sometimes it can be flat out hurtful. The initial truth telling is always terrifying, your heart starts pounding and you feel like the ground is going to open up and you’ll fall into oblivion. I always felt like I was about to get shot, like a wall would come down and there would be a firing squad ready and willing. That’s kinda fucked up…I don’t know why my brain goes there, but regardless it’s scary!!! but after it’s this release, I think I actually get off on be honest now a days. It’s this freedom feeling, like you just let something out of your heart that’s been strangling it.
Yes there are consequences, it’s not just telling the truth it’s being accountable for your actions and sticking by them. Learn from the truth and if whomever or whatever doesn’t, move on and know that you stood by yourself, you stayed true to what is important in your life. Even if you lie a small amount it adds up, I did that a lot in relationships and it was always (in my mind) to protect the other person, like they wouldn’t except me for who I actually was…which is ridiculous because I’ve been loved very deeply by some amazing men.
I recently had to make some really hard honest choices for myself, it was alienating and I felt like I was doing the absolute wrong thing. Somehow I just couldn’t ignore the burning feeling in my chest that I had to let some things go in my life and had to say exactly what I wanted…it’s an odd feeling going against the self you thought you were.
Things got instantly better, I could breath easy, my life became more simple and I am now living day to day without fear, well not entirely, writing this is making my heart race, I’m still having thoughts race between my ears…so I’m still gettin there.
Sidebar – I really enjoy contradicting myself in writing and then drawing attention to it, I do that in real life too.
It’s lonely sometimes but I know that I’m doing everything in my power to move my life forward, make it beautiful and happy. Everything else will come when it’s meant to come, right now my work makes my heart beat, my friends keep me laughing, and my family cheers me on.

Funny story, the photos above that consist on sidewalk chalk and Meg and Kate dancing around, that was last night after a real talk pow wow. We all needed to blow off steam and so we went for a walk around Meg’s ultra weird condo neighbourhood. I found a bucket of sidewalk chalk and well…we turned into kids again. I played hopscotch for the first time in years, Kate drew the highest looking sun dude I’ve ever seen, and meg drew a pretty blue flower cause she’s adorable like that. Then we walked up a hill that over looked the gardener expressway, there was a giant red canoe that stuck out a bit from where the land dropped off. We sat side by side on the tip of the canoe overlooking our city, a little tipsy, covered in chalk, all in our mid twenties, and a little less scared about life.

Ill be back with more on the shoot I just did with Jane and Jane, they deserve their own post 🙂

Happy Friday Lovelies!

-Casey Jane