Drops of Jupiter & My Letter to T Swift





There I go again, abondoning you, taking away that stupid blog you read about a girl that shares her life more than most people would like. 

How could I be such a tease, like vegan brownies. They look good but taste like if dirt had an asshole. 

Life’s been no short of a shit storm, changes are just slapping me in the face and I kinda like it. I finally crawled out of my living room and managed to get hired at a marketing and advertising agency. 

BOOM! 

How the fuck did I pull that off? Being relentless and not settling for a job that wasn’t going to move me forward. Some of my friends will call me stubborn, and they are right. I’m the mule that will kick you if you try and move me anywhere I don’t want to go but I will lick your face after. 

There’s no real reason behind me licking your face…

In friendship land Tim has been a king amongst men during my slow climb towards an adulthood lifestyle. Our place is still non stop profanities and hilarity. 

Last weekend I hung out with Tim while he Dj’d a funk party in Kensington market. We priviously had dinner that consisted of many drinks, yours truly crushed a bottle of Spanish wine to herself. This lead to me making a VERY wine lipped video of myself singing to Train “Drops of Jupiter” while Tim was in the shower. I met Tim later as I needed to shower the early drunk off me and up my hydration levels. 

I like arriving to a bar tipsy so as not to draw attention to myself too soon. Well alone at least, if I’m with the girls it’s anyone’s bet the level of drunk we’ve reached. 

Anyway so there I am doing drink runs for Tim and myself dancing with strangers and making fun of 20 year olds trying to grind to funk music. The end of the night came pretty quick and we invited a few people over. 

It gets hazy here but stay with me.

I remember I was flying between my room and the living room talking to everyone. I might have told off one of Tims aquaintinces for asking me where he could do coke. I MIGHT have put my hand in his face and walked out of my room, I MIGHT have.

Quickly afte that I went and passed out on Tim which made him have to carry me to bed. On the way to my room I apparently decided this was the best time to do a scissor kick. Tim dropped me, obviously, I was like a drunk deer trying to escape from absolutely nothing. I hit the floor and rolled over to face Tim with one eye open and said

“Faggot.”

We both started laughing as he finally got me in bed where I then made him cuddle me until I passed out. 

CANT YOU FEEL THE FRIENDSHIP FEELS!?!?!?

I’m back to being the lovely single piece of work I’ve grown to prefer. I don’t know if it’s me or who I choose to date or just a random sequence of events but a relationship still isn’t on the board for me. 

Which leads me to my discovery of the new Taylor Swift 1989 album that just got released. Two summers ago I had the privilege to work for T Swift at the Rogers centre for her Red tour. I did wardrobe and at the time I was gloriously single and creating dramatic romances in my off time boredom. I didn’t spend much time with the girl but we shared a moment backstage. I gabbed about my sex life with her dancers, I don’t doubt she listened in. 

Now I’m listening to this album and start seeing that indeed T Swift has stolen my sex life chronicals. Let’s be real, she’s always been the girl next door, the sweet dreamer, and the highly emotional. Maybe she was just drawing a blank on her regular sweet romance songs. Regardless I have written Ms Swift a letter to ask for royalties for my life rights that I believe I deserve. 

Note: You might want to listening to the songs ‘Blank Space” and “Style” before reading this letter. 

Hey T Swift, 

How’s that new hairstyle working for you? I guess the bangs got kinda annoying after awhile, specially after I kept getting mistaken for you backstage.  You were cool about it though, you were even inviting and we let loose and shared relationship delemas. Member that long list of ex lovers I shared while helping you into that ball gown? The suit and ties I was running around with and how a couple of them used to proclaim often that I was insane? 

Loves a game huh? Bitch I taught you that game when you sent your bouncer out to get us cigarettes and weed. 

No Taylor, the worst has come and I am completely dumbfounded you turned my ongoing midnight male meet up into the pop dream that is “Style”.  It’s nothing new that every single girl has that one James Dean type that just shows up out of the blue every now and then. You know, the one you can’t not go home with even if you want to punch them for not calling you for months. I just don’t think you have it in you T Swift to pull something like this off without falling into a tub of ice cream in your unicorn pjs. 

Yes I know about the unicorn pjs.

So I’d  like my royalties made out in cash please. There’s no need to get dramatic about it, I get it, my stories are ridiculous inspirations for pop songs. I didn’t ask for this life but I’m living it out the best I can. 

You can keep the selfies I took with your phone, they are just of me on the toilet. 

Hang in there T Swift, one day you’ll be the harlequin you so badly want to be. Just ask Lindsey Lohan, I did wonders for her aside from being a drug hoovering crack bag. 

Your Bae, Casey Jane. 

Thanks for reading loves, I’ll be back more frequently. 

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European log 002: Berlin

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I just woke up in a sea of my two cowl scarves on a train in the middle of the German country side. Completely delirious, sleep deprived, and dealing with a butt cramp and a uterus that seems to be mimicking the gates of hell.

Berlin is over and Paris is somewhere between wherever here is and wherever there might be.

I sit here as Liz folds herself over and over again in her seat to gain a little more sleep before a train change in about an hour. I’ve opted to write insanities and my reflection on the German city we just spent ten days in instead.

Seems like the logical thing when your brain has no filter right?

Berlin took a bit to warm up to, it’s a hard city filled with graffiti, remnants of intense political history, and beer bottles literally everywhere. Smoking is a normality and the mere thought of a health risk is looked upon with a scoff only the Germans could pull off. It’s got a sense of rebellious freedom that reminds you that this city was once, not long ago, under war with itself.

On our second day we were taken to a party in a building of what seemed like a industrial highway. We got up to the spray painted metal doors being causally guarded by a man that looked like he fought bears for fun. He explained quickly that we would be searched and what to expect. I could here the booming of deep electronic music coming from inside. The walls were dirty, there was smoke billowing in every direction, and I began wondering what the fuck I was about to experience.

We turned the corner and I was immediately hit with scenes from True Detective when they sneak into that underground biker gang party. Only instead of bikers picture drugged out gay guys in every kind of outfit you could imagine. Bondage, drag, punk, metal, goth, and the infamous vogue look.

Needless to say I sat on a bench and chained smoked while wondering if Berlin was going to be this every night. I partied really hard when I was younger, I’ve done the drug scene, I’ve done the 24 hour partying. I was not about to revisit those days of bug eyed drug glory thinking I was Queen of the world while discussing the universe with my friend naked in a bath tub.

It didn’t end up being that at all and Liz and I realized it on day three when we were met with a relaxing market day and outdoor karaoke. Our lovely host Benji, originally from France, took good care of us. We got the whole spectrum of living in Berlin and the social history and culture of its mid twenty year olds.

What can I say I learned on this trip so far?

I’m really fucking good at adapting and as long as I’m experiencing true life and not dealing with dramatic idiocies I’m unstoppable. There have been moments where I’ve had to remind myself of patience, I’ve had to remind myself of honesty and that everything does indeed happen for a reason.

I’m not a complainer and therefore it’s pretty easy to bring me anywhere. I’ve adapted to eating mainly vegetarian and vegan as my travel companion is pretty strict on her diet. I’ve embraced the concept of couch surfing which has turned out to be an incredible aspect of this trip. I’ve learned to leave my ego at the door and except help when I really needed it even if I fought hard not to admit it. Most of all though I’ve been very good at knowing my limitations and when to give myself time, space, and rest.

If I didn’t learn the last three things I think this trip would have lost it’s lustre back in Holland. I’m not about to run myself into the ground because I’m in Europe and feel the need to see everything.

I’ll see what I’m meant to see and above anything this is a vacation which should be little to no stress involved. I’ve certainly have had to remind myself of that a few times. I don’t think I’ve properly given myself a vacation in the last two years so it’s been strange to not have to worry about much. Our main concern most days is where to buy cheap wine and how many bizarre and hilarious tinder matches Liz can get.

It’s been interesting seeing our different lifestyles collide and run parallel throughout this trip. We are both incredibly different but in the same way have so many similarities. I’m a house cat that needs my down time, I need to reflect and I move at a calm slow pace most of the time. Liz is an ally cat, she’s needs the night life and sometimes I feel like I can actually feel her brain moving at the speed of light. It’s something that works both ways and we both, luckily, have the loving eyes to see that in each other.

Don’t get me wrong there have been times when we’ve needed to get away from each other, there’s been times where feelings have been hurt, and there have been times of different prerogatives. I’ve just realized we are both strong enough women to handle balancing our independent qualities with teamwork.

Paris is our next and final stop on this 26 day adventure and I’m excited to sit on my little balcony and get incredibly day drunk. I’m excited to go for long walks on my own and have a latte by the river. This is last blast of relaxation. The last thing I want to do is stand in a cue to watch a bunch of Asian tourist snap photos of a less than impressive Mona Lisa.

Seriously she’s like the size of a fucking postcard…

I want to get lost on cobblestone streets and get yelled at by an old Parisian woman for no apparent reason. I want to witness men peeing into sewer grates and whistling at the beautiful women riding their bikes dressed better than any Toronto Fashion Week attendee.

And then I want to go home, back to the job I love, back to the amazing friends and family I have. I want to go back with ease and harness the inspiration I’ve obtained from this trip. I can’t wait to go back to a relationship that has only become stronger during my time here. I’m ready to take my career to the next step and reach a new level of focus.

This trip has been everything I could have asked for and it’s rewarding to know that it’ll always be apart of my life and my story. Travel is now a big part of my life and a very important one. I plan on doing it as much as possible in the next coming years.

That’s a promise I’ve made to myself.

With that I’m off to catch another train across the Parisian country side and to hopefully stretch out my butt cramp.

Thanks for reading lovelies

Tunes (listened to this whole record while on the train strongly recommended)

Vance Joy – Mess is Mine
Vance Joy – Georgia
Vance Joy – My Kind of Man
Vance Joy – Wasted Time

Pizza Pops and Circus Clowns

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I’m constantly surprised by the learnings of life and the ever growing gratefulness I have to everything. For the past 2 years I have struggled with finding my place in it all. I’ve gone in and out of so many work spaces and carried a stress of not knowing where my next pay would come from. Lately, for the first time, I’m beginning to feel stability. It’s a slow process and realistically I won’t be completely back on my feet until July. I have to respect that and make choices that can make that goal a reality. I’m really enjoying my life and again for the first time I’m giving myself a break. The mental break downs have stopped, my night terrors haven’t happened in weeks, and the stresses of my insane singleness have vanished. I’m happy with everything that is my life right now.
I also have been living without a phone for the last two weeks.
It’s been…
Interesting.
Not in a bad way though, in a eye opening good way as it’s allowed me to be in the moment A LOT more. I hang out with the friends that still make ways to contact me knowing once I leave my house I’m in limbo. If anything my social life has become richer.
Last weekend we had our first Hanlands nude beach day over on the island. I met my friend Tim of almost 15 years at the ferry dock and it was the first time we hung out in FOREVER! Tim was my prom date and was actually my first guy friend in high school. He’s one of those friends where no matter how much time goes by it’s an instant ease into where we left off. The day was spent laughing until my face hurt, making hashtags with my friend Liz, and creating a pizza pocket salad with Tim.
This past Friday I went over to my best friend Meghan’s condo to build a #drunkassladyfort for a girls night celebration. Our friend Cat finished her chiropractic exams and even hearing her lightly talk about it made my brain hurt. We built the fort out of blankets, wrap skirts, pipe cleaners, and hair ties. No lady fort is complete without twinkle lights, flower garlands, and a shit load of wine. So there we were, 5 drunk women in their late twenties rolling around in a blanket fort on a Friday night.
On Saturday Liz and I party hopped and ended the night with me hitting and climbing parked cars with a balloon in hand…
We still don’t know how I acquired the balloon or why I turned into a drunk Bart Simpson. We had gone to a house party for drinks where her gay friend decided to call me Jane Fonda for the night. I didn’t protest as I was more interested in the wine drinking and getting into an accent mimicking war with a stranger. I came home that night at 5:30 and waited until 6am for my two pizza pockets to cook in the oven. I also burned my boob while eating them in bed and not waiting for them to cool down…
As a recent date of mine would say “classy dame”.
I actually fell on my face in my shop on our first date while closing up. On our second date I ordered a chicken sandwich that was stacked way to high for my mouth. Without thinking I took my whole hand and smushed the sandwich so that I could eat it. Needless to say I’m really staying true to the real me lately.
Styling has been slow just with my mission out of poverty and my new found love of my almost full time job. I work as a style coach for an independent retail shop that represents local and Canadian designers. I’m really working hard to find my place within the company and use everything I’ve learned to do the best job I can. It’s really sparked the idea of creating a place within a community that is supportive and doing amazing work. I love working with our local designers and branching out to better my career and theirs. I still have a lot to learned but I’m making the choices to be honest and accountable for how my life plays out. The money will follow with dedication and persistence. I’ve come out of many hardships to know that it’s only making me a stronger woman. Everyday I choose to keep going is everyday I get closer to the ideal life I want to lead.

And that’s coming from a lady that burnt her tit on a rogue pizza pocket filling.

Just keep going, accept your life for how wonderful it is, and be grateful for the people that are in your life. Listen to yourself and learn from your choices and actions to become nothing but better. This time in life is all about finding yourself so don’t rush it, don’t be impatient, it’s all coming in its own perfect time.
At least that is what I’ve come to believe.

Happy June my darlings

Casey Jane

Tunes
Hall & Oates – Head Above Water
Yuna – Falling
Great, Good, Fine, Ok – Not Going Home
Gregory Alan Isakov – Light Year

Love

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I’ve been fiddling with the idea of posting my outlook on love, it’s a touchy subject in my life lately and I wasn’t sure if I had the best things to say about it, but I thought hard and I actually do.
Love can only happen when you let it in, I don’t mean replying with “I love you too”, I mean accepting it for all it means. That goes both ways, I used to use “I love you” all the time for any reason, there’s nothing wrong with that however it lost its meaning after awhile to a point where I would say it just to hear it come back to me, like hello and goodbye. It would fly out the door with me, be spoken in mumbles on a quick Skype chat, or scribbled at the end of a note, and now that that phrase has started to become scarce in my vocabulary I am beginning to think maybe I should have rationed it a little more.
This got me thinking about the real meaning behind the big L word, I honestly don’t think I understood the magnitude of the phrase, but I defiantly had the feelings behind it when I first started saying it to someone. Then you grow up, you learn some more, you get hurt, you hurt someone, and you begin to see patterns with yourself. I know at this point in my life I’m seeing that the one person I barely said or felt those words to was myself…and that’s not right.
Loving oneself is not something that came naturally to me, loving someone else however is as natural as breathing. Obviously it takes a certain soul to bring that out of me but that’s how I’d love, entirely giving, reminding, uplifting, and unconditionally…but deep down I had conditions, I had love for myself that I was ignoring for the sake of the relationship. Now I’ve been loved by someone’s whole heart I know that, but sometimes time, space, and life take hold, so that loves changes. It doesn’t go away it just changes into another form and sometimes people throw that love away because of hurt, anger, pain…it’s silly because in the end you’re still loved and we try to ignore and push down that simple realization.
This valentines day maybe a lonely one for me but I have love, I know it’s out there and I know all the people that have it for me. Love is something I need time to figure out, I know at least for the next while ill be trying to figure that feeling out, but it’s nice to know I’ve felt it.
No regrets, just the ongoing lessons of life.

– Casey Jane

all pictures taken from http://www.pinterest.com