The Night Casey Jane Entered Stage Left and The Symphony Was Drunk.

unnamed unnamed (1) unnamed (2) unnamed (3) unnamed (4)SMASH…

Enter stage left Ms Casey Jane sauntering into a bar after drinking a reverends wife’s yearly supply of wine. Thats 2 bottles and a magnum if you are wondering.The magnum is only when she holds her yearly Tupperware party with the ladies from her knitting club. Agnes is a REAL lush bag when they get into a biblical debate.We however drank all this before midnight, I even wore heels. Mainly because I wore them all day with no socks and didn’t want to alert the authorities that a dead body had been dumped on Queen West.

Entourage enters stage left consisting of one life partner named Justin Edwards. My incredible gay go getter that makes me feel like I’m fucking queen of the world, I also occasionally buy him brunch.
Its a rule between gay/straight life partners.
He took to the party like a conductor at a symphony and left on a man hunt faster than the road runner did when the coyote was getting too close. He’s also designing my apartment so he’s pretty much the full package and he’s mine you cant have him!

Our love is immaculate.

Anyway, I walked in thinking I would spend my time yelling derogatory slurs at my bar tending roommate. I thought I would sit down next to Meghan and get slapped and told how much she loved me. Hell I thought I would end up hammered in front of my oven cursing at it to make my pizza pockets faster.

And then, as if it was as natural as anything I sat down next to him.

Have you ever forgotten something? Like completely? Then out of the blue someone says something, shows you something or just is something and you wonder how you ever forgot it?

Funny isn’t it.

Over on Berkeley St I’ve become in love with putting my key in the door of my office every morning. Turning on the music, the lights, and now that spring is here opening the door to let the long awaited breeze flow in. The guys play fooseball late afternoon while the girls sit around our lounge area talking about escorts and prostitutes over lunch. We’re an amazing bunch that are creating extremely great work. The prostitute conversation expanded because of a mutual love for Pretty Woman, I mean Richard Gere…
COME ON!
I’d totally allow kissing.

Creative meetings, pitches, hallway conversations, conference calls filled with laughing and ideas. Our office is alive and I couldn’t be happier with where I am in life right now.

The homestead is still filled with the insanities of Casey and Tim trying to adult. We found out we have mice, so thats been fun. I keep naming them and then making a personal relationship with them, only I hate them.

Its hate.

Its a hate relationship.

Fred’s the worst cause he just sits in my kitchen staring at me like a smug fuck head.

The girls and I spent saturday getting day drunk and going to our friend Evely’s birthday party. We met for brunch and after the waitress feared we were getting sober poured us each a glass of wine all the way to the top. We ended up buying a birthday present consisting of a plant named Stuart McDick, a bouquet of Pussy Willows and a 4L box of white wine.

Looking back on it now its not a surprise the three of us ended up in a kiddy park trying to drive pedal cars…

Thats what the warm weather brings around here, well not belligerent females defacing a children’s playground. It just brings out life a little more, it brings people together longer and more intimate. My heart sings a lot louder when the sun hits my face when I crash out of my apartment at the start of the day. Warm weather means later nights in parks, longer sits on patios and backyard get togethers that make me you smile from the inside out. It also reminds me every single day I open my deer in headlight eyes that…

I am one lucky fucking bitch.

Spring is here Toronto.

Thanks for reading loves.

Tunes

Lord Huron – Meet Me In The Woods  My favourite album right now, in the words of my dear Kmo “Its my fucking favourite.”

Andy Shauf – Hometown Hero

Lord Huron – Luisa         Again, My fucking favourite.

Leon Bridges – River

Father John Misty – When You’re Smiling and Astride Me

Drew Holcomb & The Neighbors – American Beauty 

15 Times Your Friends Made You Understand Life Better Than Oprah

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First off, thank you to everyone who read and shared my last post on “27 Things You Can Still Do When You’re 27.”I have decided to continue writing in list format. I am an avid reader of the notorious time killing website Buzzfeed and have decided that not only are lists fun to write, they are also easy to edit.
Also because I’ve been making up lists since my last post, I’ve got some golden ones like,

“10 times your poop scared you into thinking about your life choices.”
Or
“20 times being drunk brought you closer to becoming the glorious human that you are.”

They’re good right?

RIGHT?!?!

Friends at this age are one of the most important parts of our lives. We tell them everything, they’re like a therapist who also needs a therapist that you get drunk with. They are the ones at 3am that suggest riding the elevator in their condo while hot boxing it is the only thing in life worth doing. They are also the ones that you can call on when you’re 3/4’s into a bottle of wine on a Tuesday. Maybe you just want to hear their voice, maybe something troubling happened in your job, or maaaaaybe you called your ex and left a drunken one way conversation on his answer machine.

Whatever that never happened…

Here’s the list,

15 Times Your Friends Made You Understand Life Better Than Oprah.

1. That time you all went out for lunch and just ended up ordering wine and talking about weird penises you’ve all encountered. I was once with a guy that had a penis that curved up…

It was like a boomerang, he wasn’t even Austrialian.

2. Having the comfort of knowing that every morning you will have at least one poop talk with one of your friends.

Fuck you webMD you don’t know what “normal” is.

3. When you and all your friends are poor but your combined poor ness equals a magnum of red wine.

“There are 5 of us and we all $3.00 so we can buy one magnum, MATH!”

4. Those moments at a bar when you all decide dancing with sweaters pulled over your heads is really, really funny.

“WE’RE HUMAN DISCO HELICOPTERS.”

And oddly no one got laid that night…

5. Drunk food missions, not one in particular, they all seem to go down the same way where one of you is yelling “I Love You” to a box of Pad Thai while you all zig zag along Queen West.

6. When you have to move, your friends will always help for pizza and beer.

Well unless you’re moving onto the 5th floor of a walk up. I want strippers and blow for dealing with that shit.

7. Saying “Remember that time?” And referencing 12 years ago when you all got wasted and ended up rolling down the hill of Riverdale park at 1am.

8. Having that best friend who’s the opposite sex that knows all your gross habits and relationship anxieties.

These are usually the friends you make a “If we’re still single at 40” pact with because the free fall into spinsterhood is a terrifying thought.

9. That moment after you all eat a massive amount of food and start to compare and name your food babies.

If you don’t know what a food baby is than you have what I believe is called “self control.”

10. That constant fear that one day, at anytime, one of your best friends will take that leap and send you a photo of their poop.

I live everyday like it’s my last…

11. Farts will always be funny with your besties.

“I had to leave my apartment…it was that bad.”

12. That time you needed an alibi to get out of a work conference and had your friend pretend to be your doctor.

“Yes I am afraid she has herpies on her knees.”

13. Always having people that give just as less fucks as you.

“I was going to shower and then I realized all I had to do today was meet up with you.”

14. One of you ALWAYS has a flask on them because you never know.

You never know.

15. Those moments when life’s got you down and you see your best pal update their Instagram with a photo of them on the toilet at work.

It’s the little things in life.

The Lovely Self Saboteur

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Christmas and New Years are now over and everyone in Toronto is nursing a hangover. The holidays are always a little hard for me, I’m usually broke and going through freelance vacancy. This year was nice as I played host to my family. My Oma (which is Dutch for Grandmother) was diagnosed with Dementia this year, its been really hard to see her mind go deeper into the disease. She isn’t at the point where she doesn’t know who we are but she still has moments where she thinks shes been robbed. Luckily my family has a great sense of humor and are quick to turn a somewhat sad moment into a punch line.

Booze also helps.

Now if you think I was able to pull off an entire Christmas dinner you clearly also believe that I am a 4 foot old Asian man. There is no way this lady can orchestrate the cooking of a 10 pound turkey with even the idea of putting my hand up its ass and stuffing it full of bread crumbs and rosemary. My family had taken the safe road and decided to order our meal from a restaurant. All I had to do was pour myself a glass of wine and throw everything neatly packed into the oven with very clear temperature directions. I had some anxieties about over cooking the turkey but it tasted amazing and so the rest of the family shenanigans were able to continue.

5 Tuninga things that happened that night.

1. My Oma got too drunk and had to take a nap in my room under all our coats.
2. My Dad for the first time called me a bitch for convincing my brother to eat a quarter when he was 5 years old. I had not realized he didn’t know I was behind the whole thing.
3. My brother calling my dads phone saying he was on his way and my dad answering his phone “Gangster” by saying loudly “Motherfucker”.
4. It only took us 5 minutes to roll a joint after knowing my Oma was fast asleep.
5. I ended up falling asleep on my floor until my roommate put me to bed.

Needless to say we were all very hungover Christmas Day.

I woke this morning and went for a run, I almost threw up, I was at the 3k mark and started to feel the toll of the last couple weeks. In the past month I’ve found out I’m loosing my assisting job, I was broken up with, and my family has been going through a landslide of developing mental illnesses. I thought I could just push myself through it, go to all the holiday parties with a smile and shrug it off.

It doesn’t work like that though, next thing you know you wake up in your bed not knowing how you even got there. As you know I am now 27 and realistically should not be wondering where my feet have taken me the night before. I am one of those lovely self saboteur’s that when things get bad I make them worse. Every time I lift myself out of a spell like this I tell myself “never again” and I launch myself back into a positive place. It keeps happening, I’ve been trying to break this cycle for years and I think it was worse this time because I was finally feeling like I had my life together.

Clearly I was not anywhere near where I am supposed to be. I have this theory that if you ignore your gut long enough it will make decisions for you. I knew deep down that all these things were meant to happen but the problem is I get so swept up in the emotion of drastic change that I forget to look at it rationally. I go back to being a joke at a party, I dress myself up only to hide the freak outs that are going on in my head. I know what I need to change but I don’t feel like I deserve to make the change.

I was never good at taking the easy road, actually I’m not even good at finding it.

I’m by no means playing a pity card or trying to sound like a victim. These are all choices I actively made, its the bad habits that I let happen again and again. I’m aware of them, I just don’t always listen to them and that is when I get hurt or hurt someone else. Whether it be a stranger or a close friend, unintentionally they get wrapped up in my mission to fuck myself up.

It’s a wake up call that should not be ignored.

The silver lining is that throughout this month I still can clearly see that beautiful little life I want to lead. I can still see all the possibilities and opportunities that could come my way. Not once do I ever say “I give up” to myself and I believe its because I still love myself under all this crap shoot drama I make. I know I am a good person, I have the most wonderful people around me. My biggest fear is that my sabotaging habits will push these beautiful people away from me, I think that is one of the main things that snap me back to reality.

I know I am not alone in feeling like this from time to time. I know I am not the first 27 year old woman to look at their life and wonder how the fuck they got there. I spend hours thinking about all my good qualities and all my faults, I do the balancing act of which qualities come out more. I’m trying to focus on my strengths but having self doubt as an artist just adds to the struggling motivation. I sometimes feel like the dumbest person alive, like I missed the boat on living a normal life, I worry I missed the boat on a lot of things.

Although I can look at an article of clothing, take it home, and create my own version of it. I can look at a photograph and paint it almost exactly the same. I can people watch or read something that helps me create a story through clothing on a freelance styling job. I can see a display in a window on Queen Street and recreate it in my apartment for my roommate and I to enjoy. Better yet I can look around at my apartment, the clothes I own, the food I eat, that all comes from me being creative. I make a living and I choose to make a living creating things. Its not the easiest profession, a lot of people think you’re crazy, a lot of people think you’re lucky, and some have no idea how your life is lived.

I’m excited for the New Year, I wouldn’t mind a fresh new slate. I’ll spend the next couple days letting go of negative things, writing out all the things I want for 2015, and telling the people that matter to me how important they are in my life. There is a lot of potential out there if you work for it.The things that are worth the most are sometimes the things you put everything on the line for, they are the things in life that make it worth living. This year I am going to work for everything, my family, my friends, and my career, maybe even a relationship.

Life goes on and I don’t want to be the one left behind.

 

Ben Howard – Conrad 

Gary Clark Jr – Things are Changing

Hozier  – Work Song

 

What the Fuck Am I Doing? A 27 Year Olds Dilemma.

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I have gone under the radar again as far as wanting to share my life lately. I can’t say since I’ve been back things went right back to normal. They all changed as they do at this stage in my little existence. It’s funny looking back at myself, it’s embarrassing how many things I ignored that were so blatantly wrong. Being away from home for 26 days didn’t seem to have changed me much when I was in the thick of it.

I came back to a new roommate and adjusted accordingly, actually very comfortably. I really lucked out with Tim and I know he lucked out with me.

“Cough”

Because I’m awesome.

“Cough”

I guess we both were meant to end up under the same roof because it’s been so lovely in my humble downtown apartment. By lovely I mean the two of us laughing until our faces hurt. I feel like I’m back in my acting days making up voices, tag lines, and puns that make Tim’s face contort into someone who’s having a stroke. I love nothing more than to be a full blown idiot in my house and it’s nice to have someone who shares in it. Tim’s already had to carry me to bed, let me in because I forgot my keys, and more consistently dealt with me hungover.

Needless to say we are getting along swimmingly.

In booze.

It’s winter, we all turn into functioning alcoholics this time a year, it’s the spirit of Christmas!

I recently received the title of single again in the last few weeks which wasn’t the worst. The first two days I went into full female breakup mode, you know, wear the same sweater/yoga pant ensemble while your friends funnel wine down your throat.

At that point I thought about how I really felt, away from the comfort of companionship, away from the prospects, away from the fear of being alone.

Was I really happy?

The answer was no, I wasn’t anymore.

I’m at a point now where I ask myself this question a lot to kind of let my gut have a moment to put her two cents in. I sometimes ignore it or Im well aware that something needs to change. Sometimes it does this real fun thing where it makes the decision you won’t make regardless of your actions. Those are the times you learn something, at least for me it’s always another hint that I need to listen to myself just a little harder.

I’m ok being alone as long as I’m happy, I’m not shutting myself down either. I made a promise to myself that I would never allow something in my past to affect a new opportunity. I’d never want that done to me and yet it has been done to me a few times. It’s no biggy, people just have a hard time letting go, they don’t give themselves time to do it, it’s a really sad thing.
So here I am hurdled back into single-hood having to make sure my hair is brushed and socks are matched. Ok, the sock matching is never going to happen because clearly ALL my socks divorce one another once they reach the laundry mat.

That reminds me I have to put socks on my wish list…

Work life is all over the map right now, I’m in a vortex of transition. I find being 27 is a roller coaster of “WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING” moments mixed with social dilemmas of “How much wine do I have to drink to be brave enough to talk to that cute guy?”
I want to go back into costuming, I miss story telling with clothing, I miss the work ethic and the environment. My training has always stemmed from my love for the stage, that’s how this whole wardrobe love started. It’s not an easy transition to make in this economy, in this overly competitive, who you know society.

However I do have this annoying habit of being relentless in getting what I want.

I blame being a Leo and a product of an Irish woman and Dutch man.

I’m back to freelancing, I’ll be in survival mode for the next month but things always have a way of leading me to where I need to be. I’ll reach out to those who have helped me in the past, I’ll bombard the internet with my CV and website, and I’ll be patient. In the meantime I’ll be back to making money here, there, and everywhere.

Tonight will be the girls annual secret Santa and we’ve all agreed to make a gift. Needless to say we’ll probably all be getting Pinterest fails while each gift comes with a bottle of wine as an apology for the ball of glue and glitter given. By the end of the night we’ll all be in animal onesies explaining the process of creating each horrendous craft.

I love my friends.

They are what make me believe I’m a good person and that I do attract the love that I put out. Seeing my close friends interact at this stage in my life is incredible. I know I’m loving because they are, I know I’m strong because each one of them exudes it, and I know I care about myself because they really care about themselves.

You can’t have friends like that unless you can give yourself that same love. I’m convinced that even in my most doubtful moments I think about who I have around me and know everything will be ok. I know my friends are loyal and always will be. They are a constant reminder of how much I have to take care of myself and take care of their friendship.

It’s family after all.

Happy Holidays Lovelies,

I’ll be hosting the Tuninga family dinner this year so I’ll be sure to report back with pictures of my father parading around in an Ozzy Osbourne wig screaming “MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS”.

A Battlefield, A Hitch, And A Fear To Fart.

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I’m checking in before I check out to Europe in 2 weeks, it’s happening and I’m insanely excited. This trip signifies a lot for me, it’s an accomplishment. A spawn of all the other accomplishments I’ve had the last couple years. All the sacrifices, all the things I had to give up, the people I had to walk away from. It sounds a little dramatic but I feel like I’m standing at the end of a battlefield just as the dust begins to settle. I don’t know if I won, or if that actually happens in life; it’s not really a competition.

I do know that I am happy to not fight for a little bit.
Like…three weeks.
Then I’ll strap on my guns again.
But I need those fuckin three weeks like Lindsey Lohan needs periodical rehab visits.
A LOT!!!

Everything else in my life is extremely amazing, which is freaking me the fuck out. My friends are still disastrously perfect as was exhibited last weekend at our first Drunk Ladies and Gentlemen BBQ. The boyfriend and I were on a mission to kill our sobriety after a week of freelance life on both our ends. There we all were, all the hitched ladies and the men we’ve seduced for various lengths of time. Let’s face it, we’re not normal, which was eloquently shown through Sarah’s opinion of The BF’s football choice. She dead stared him while burping and then blew said burp in his general direction…

This woman is teaching our children for the future.
And this happened at the dinner table.
Where food was.

I’m settling into this new shift in life, I’m really open to everything and content with the choices I’m making. The cool thing is that I’m not hiding anything from anyone. I am who I am, I have bad parts and I have beautiful parts. I’ll constantly make myself better but I’m not about to change anything I don’t want to. When you go into things bare boned you learn quickly if it’s right for you or not. That took me an exceptionally long ass time to learn and I still have to check in with myself.

Now this being said I’m still terrified to do a few things and I’ve made a list of new fears that haunt my daily existence.

1) Farting for the first time in front of my man.
2) my life is too good and I’m going to fuck it up.
3) Spiders crawling into my nostrils…I read something I shouldn’t have.
4) The designer I work for ( Mark Foreman) is going to clone me and then I’m going to get back from Europe and have to kill the clone.
5) Getting a new roommate after Kate…what if they don’t get my weirdness?
6) I’m still not working hard enough.

The trick is knowing what you’re afraid of, really asking yourself “hey pal do you like spiders? And then promptly shivering and saying a big NOPE to that shit.

My work is a mash up between my two favourite things:
Styling for Harlequin Romance Novels
Assisting a Canadian Designer and operating a workshop/boutique

It’s all groovy on my end, however I would like to make a plan of action to rise above the poverty level, but hey that takes time too. I’ve got my two dream jobs and happily have not stepped back into the realm of many many part time positions.
THATS something to be thankful for.
I think back to just a couple months ago still feeling the struggle. I remember when it broke, the struggle stopped and I was left at the edge of that dwindling battlefield.

And this is the part where I tell you to keep fighting until you feel that silence . It’s bittersweet, it’s the ending of an era for you. Yes, you’ll have many more battles to fight but when you win the career building war. When you brake into that new world the game changes and it’s the best fucking feeling you could ever imagine.

Thanks for reading loves,

Xox

Tunes
Vance Joy – Emmylou
Vance Joy – Mess is Mine
Vance Joy – My Kind of Man

I’m an old bitch but here’s what I’ve learned.

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Here I am ladies and gentlemen, a grown ass 27 year old lady.

I MADE IT!

Seriously though, my birthday weekend got weird, wild, and wonderful all across 4 days of late twenty something binge drinking. We danced too, I doubt it was anything to write home about. I’m sure I fell on the dance floor at least twice to the vocals of Annie Lennox. My lovely guy friends who throw the infamous F’UNREAL at The Boat in Kensington Market took to the task of making my legs fall off and my brain check out. At midnight I turned 27 on July 27th, it was here, I’m fucking closer to thirty. Promptly I headed to the bar and hoovered birthday shots like a tiny elephant. You know, to ease the realization that I have to “adult” a little more now.

Alright here comes the reflection of my age thus far.

I’ve become content with who I am, honestly, I know now that I will never be anyone else but myself. Sure, I can make improvements, I can still grow, however deep down my soul will stay the same. My personality, my hideously loud laugh, my stubbornness, and my constant quest to feel the extraordinary will never fade. I’ve stopped pulling back around people and I’ve let go of those that cause me to doubt myself. I’ve become happy with the “right now” and I except the pace my life is moving in. I’m still taking risks, however I’ve learned the ways one can protect themselves while jumping into a bed of fire.

Most importantly my friends and the people I continually meet have taught me more than I could have thought. The love, the generosity, and just the effort all my friends make to support and to be around me is immense. I can’t count how many times I’ve eaten and had a glass of wine because of Kmo. I once made it to a shoot because Sarah gave me 40 dollars to get there and back when I was broke. I’ve had Meghan pay for a night out just because she missed me and wanted us to have a great time. My lovely Liz organized our Europe tickets and made the tough call to just go for it and I adore her for that.
And there’s Branko, my forever honey bear, watch dog, and love. I’m not going to give you a list but this guy is a big part of where I am and who I am.

This is just a very small list of the beautiful humans I get to call my friends and family. I love them all for wanting to be involved in this circus of mine. Last night as the girls and I sat on a blanket after getting spoiled by Cat and her gifts from Japan. This included pancake socks, chocolate, and a full bear zip up costume.

Yes we all put on the bear costume…
And yes we all gave ourselves bear nicknames…

I really felt the love from all of us and it’s incredible to watch us all find our way. We’ve been having fun, struggling, and growing together for 14 years now and I’ll say the same thing 40 years from now.

And yes we will probably still have the bear costume handy.

This reminds me of another thing I’ve learned in the past year.
HAVE FUN ALWAYS!
Get over yourself, stop thinking you have to act a certain way, live a certain life, and do what is expected for your age bracket. Stop taking yourself so seriously because darling it looks terrible on you. Not everything in life is a networking event, competition, or interview. Things happen because you attract them not because you handed out 10 business cards at a bar you really couldn’t afford anyway.

Have impromptu dress up parties with your girlfriends, shoot BB guns at beer cans in a park with your guy friends. Meet a friend for coffee and talk about how constipated you’ve been lately. Have a night dancing in your apartment in your underwear.

What I’m saying is the possibilities are endless.

I do all these things and still have built a pretty great career so far. I’m not saying there are not moments where you need to focus. I have my crunch times where I keep my eyes ahead and do what is expected from any professional. That is the balance in order to live the life you want to live, I just see a lot of people forgetting to do the fun part.

I’m looking at you Ms Resting Bitch Face, fix it and start doing things that don’t end in a #fitspo hashtag…
Eat a fucking poutine and fart in your lulu’s already.

Again this is just my opinion, I’m not saying I have ALL the fun but what I’m saying is I make room for it to happen. Even rewarding yourself after a successful day by rolling up a joint and going to sit by the lake is enough. It keeps you happy, it keeps you moving forward, and it only strengthens your relationships with others.

That’s about it,

I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing and always stay humbled by the fact that I get to wake up everyday and do everything I love to do with everyone I love.

God that’s cheesy…
Kinda threw up in my mouth a bit…

K bye guys.

TUNES!

Poolside – Harvest Moon
Blood Orange – Chamakay
Still Corners – Strange Pleasures

Lighting Fires in a Spring Dress

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The thing between your ears, that lovely network of emotions and thoughts is a fickle thing when you don’t take care of it properly. I think I’ve run the tank dry after last week and it left me in a sea of sweat and a fun thing called night terrors. If you’ve ever experienced a night terror you’ll be well aware of the realness your subconscious can create. I’ve never been diagnosed with anything in the mental capacity, maybe it’s out of fear I might be a doctors pharmaceutical wet dream. In any case I woke up at 5am this morning in tears and screaming thinking I was back in my old Parkdale apartment with my ex, my old boss, and a tall native man with 24 kids holding a gun to my head.
MORNING!!!!
You can imagine my first alive thought was “I’m fucking loosing it” and the worst part was that I found myself utterly alone with myself. My consciousness had cornered me in a situation I’ve been avoiding over the last couple days…myself. Last week was filled with a lot of alone time travelling to and from photography sets and studios. I gave and gave and gave without giving myself a breath of fresh air or time to ask myself how I was actually feeling. I just drowned that breath in alcohol and told myself to shut up and man up, grab my balls, ya know, all manly and shit…
If you know me that last statement is as far from who I am but is how I attempt to act most of the time. I’m a tough cookie but I’m overly sensitive to other peoples emotions and the lovely heart attacks life throws at me. I can go for a long time and work myself to the point where I just crash and burn in a fiery display of partying and lonely pizza pocket eating at 4am. It’s those ego/fear fuckers that jumped on my worn out soul the minute I let my guard down…
And I let it happen.
I’m taking it as another lesson learned that neglecting myself at this stage in my career and my life is NOT an option. It’s one thing to work hard but it’s another thing to let that hard work take over all the other important things in my life, like taking care of me. I’ve been such an asshole to myself lately just throwing myself around this city to distract the fact that I have my feelings hurt by life.
The funny part is that I’ve accomplished some crazy stuff last week as far as my styling. I worked with Laura Siegel one of my designer icons and got to meet the lovely lady at her studio. I got hired back as an on set stylist for another four harlequin shoots with a stylist I admire and a crew I adore. I made it to the second round of interviews for Holt Renfrew in their visual department and helped a dear friend move into a new place. Not to mention I did laundry for the first time in months. It’s crazy I have enough clothes to last me that long but I’ll tell ya I was starting to wear some wacky ass outfits by the end.
I even read over this post and want to smack myself over how hard I am on myself. However that’s the great part, that’s the good fight but it doesn’t fix the fact I’m still struggling with rent, I’m still in this weird limbo of slowly moving forward with some things and holding back on others. I keep telling myself it’s for the greater good, being patient and persistent will bring what I want into my life. It will, but the in between is a fucking lonely ass place to be especially when everyone else in my life are going through very different life changes.
All my friends seem to be having so many lovely life moments in the past little while as far as their personal lives. It’s that time in life where families are being formed, relationships are moving to new levels and here I am in the middle of it all genuinely happy and insanely lonely at the same time. I feel their love, I see it, I give it back but at the end of it all I walk away holding my own hand. I’m constantly on the run and it makes me laugh that I have such a handle on my career path but I’m driving drunk in my personal lane crashing into dates and dinners. I put on a good show I’ll give myself that, it’s a deranged thing my dating life and the way I have acted with men the last year. Its gotten to the point where I don’t want to fight for anyone anymore because I’ve lost that fight so many times before. Now you can reply to that with the idea that the right person will put up the fight. I guess I had my heart set on someone I thought I could take a chance on and it doesn’t seem to be working out that way. I have to be ok with that but god dammit I’d love to feel that spark again with someone. I’m just not about to settle on a fake flame for the sake of not having to be the third wheel all the time.

I’ve got a lot more writing to do today so I’m kind of happy it’s raining buckets outside. I do want to say thank you to everyone reading this blog, it’s sometimes therapeutic but it’s also a way of sharing the fact that I am human.

Everybody poops.

Xox

– Casey Jane

Robby Hecht – New York City
J Tillman – Make Me A Pallet On Your Floor
Lord Huron – Lonesome Dreams

I’m having a 2014 Orgasm

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So it’s a new year, I got to shut the door on the hardest year of my life and I’m proud of it. I can look back and actually see how far I’ve gone with the mindset of doing what I want and having what I want in life. It’s been hard, no it’s been harder than hard, it’s been like trying to crack a diamond. I know there’s harder years to come but I feel like I’ve really gone through the foundation of what my life’s purpose is and what I want. I’m open to change but I really got to know myself this year on so many levels, some days I didn’t believe who’s head I was in. Mind you those days ended in me crumpled on my floor surrounded by fabric wondering when I’d be taken away to an institution…ok exaggeration however in my head that’s the picture that forms.
I also learned how important your friends are and the company you keep around you. I gained so many amazing friends last year and deepened those who have been with me for years. I was so blown away by the creative and positive people around me all I wanted to do was constantly give my love back. I learned about how many different friendships you can have and how special each one is, I don’t take one for granted because in some way it shaped who I am now. It’s funny how the ones that were always meant to be in your life just easily are, even if time passes they’ll always come back like it didn’t. I’ve had a lot of crazy moments where the right people showed up at the exact right time, I can recall every one of them and they’ve made me believe that things really do happen for all the right reasons.
You just have to let them.
This year is my launch pad year, I’ve built the foundation and now I need to apply all that to the career I’m going to make a living at and a good one. This year I learned a lot of skills, my sewing ability has tripled thanks to Keira (Handsome&Lace) and my wardrobe work, my creativity is at an all time high, like Salvador Dali when he had his throwing cats phase…
I don’t want to fuck this year up, I certainly don’t want to continue making the same mistakes and I’m determined to catch myself before any irrational decision especially in the finance department. It’s terrifying when you get to another level in life because you build this inner pressure for yourself to not fail. I’m kinda the master at failing elegantly until I can shut the door of my room and cry with a lit cigarette. Failing is learning and its going to happen but as I’ve learned you can stop the same mistakes from happening if you take time to figure out why you did it, why it happened. Having a journal constantly in my bag has been an incredible reference for myself and a great downloading device. Writing takes those little or big dreams you have and makes them slowly come alive, it affirms them and kinda makes them a little more real every time. Think of it like making money, you don’t just think about it, you go out and earn it and its the same with making your wants and needs come true. You have to make it happen and the best way is to just start writing exactly what it is you want. For me I find I have too much going on in my head at all times so writing lets me take the thoughts that are either occurring or are literally thoughts that make me the happiest to think about.
So here’s the magic part that ill share with you. Last year when I knew I would be going through a lot of change I wrote down some goals that I thought would push me to be a better me, as you do come New Years. I wrote a bunch of things down but here’s the really cool part, as of last month I crossed all these off as accomplished.
Goal number one was to start assisting under a freelance stylist and I did that.
Goal number two was to get my own place downtown, well come August I found the best place with my best pal Kate.
Goal number three was to style with a Canadian designer named Laura Siegel and yup, that happened.
Goal four was to work wardrobe on a concert, I was backstage…well under the stage at the Taylor Swift concert dressing all her dancers for 3 nights.
Goal five was to get published and in just one year I have been published over 8 times in online and print publications.
Goal six was rely on myself and be independent, that took awhile but I’m happy to say that these days I’m a pretty good solo trail blazer.
Goal seven was to meet with the CEO of Holt Renfrew to gain some insight and I can happily say that I not only met him I still get little emails of encouragement from him.
And lastly I wanted to be Stylist on a music video, this took the longest but just last month I was hired to style a Down With Webster music video that will be aired on Much Music and MTV Canada.

So there’s your proof, all these things that happened were all from me sitting on my empty apartment floor with a blank piece of sketch paper writing each one out. I remember thinking I was crazy, and sighing about how lovely it would be if these things could be true. Now I obviously worked my ass off but having these goals in my mind literally attracted them to my life, I didn’t strategically seek out each goal. I just kept growing and kept doing things that I wanted to do, I would literally wake up some mornings just holding things in my mind and sure enough I would get an email, a phone call, or a text that had the very next step. All I had to do was say yes, forget about the fear, forget my insecurities and just do it. There were a lot of times where I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing, there were a lot of times where I thought I was on the right path but got the rude awakening that I wasn’t. The thing is I never stopped, I never gave up, even when I was flat broke and couldn’t pay my rent. I remember some gigs I wouldn’t have enough money to even get there so I’d wake up extra early, pack my suitcase and walk to whatever studio I’d have to be at because nothing was going to stop me. I’ve always let money dictate who I am and what I can do but after this year…well it’s just such a silly thought now. You can do it, you just have to want it badly enough, you have to need it, nothing standing in your way is a brick wall that you can’t climb over. I’ve been at part time jobs where I’ve walked across the city to get to and not been able to eat all day but I did my job because I knew that all of it would be worth it one day, and it is.

So that’s my New Years advice to you, keep going, make goals and know that literally anything is possible. I want to thank all my dearest friends for their constant support and love, without them I wouldn’t have been able to push myself so hard.
Kate, Meghan, Sarah, Cat, Shaina, Branko, Gooding thank you for being my rocks and my extended family and believing in me even when I didn’t. Tyler, Aaron, Pat, Joel, Shawna, and Brook thank you for bringing me into your circle and giving me the most hilarious and exciting summer. I remember the first bellwoods croquet game I came to and not only did you all offer me a drink I ended up skinny dipping with all of you that night.
And a big thank you to my parents for constantly supporting me, never in my life has either of them shot down a dream I had, never have they enforced anything on me other then my values, love for others and the idea that I can really do anything I put my mind too. This year I got to photograph both my mum and my dad on two different occasions and to have them be involved in my work makes me the happiest daughter in the world!
To my work friends who made all the difference in my styling skills, contacts and experiences you are the foundations of what my career is developing into. Kirsten White you above all gave me my first break as a stylist and I will NEVER forget that day you called me and not only hired me but gave me exactly what I needed to know to do a good job. Marie Eve Tremblay for taking me on for 6 months and literally putting me through assistant boot camp, I would not have the work drive and passion I have now if it wasn’t for you. Laura DiMarcantonio for taking me on as your assistant and teaching me on set etiquette and what is expected of me. Patrick Lacsina and Amanda Blair Robson for being the very first creative I’ve ever done, you two have been so good to me and I love all the work we’ve created together this year. Bri and Britt of Jane & Jane for constantly blowing my mind with your creativity and excitement whenever we have a project together, you two always inspire me to be better and more creative. Thomas Dagg for talking shop with me, bringing me on a short film, photographing my dad while sailing and showing me that I can indeed get my photo taken. Julie and Brianna for helping me put together my mums modelling portfolio, you girls have no idea how much that shoot meant to me and my mum. Erin Heather for being an amazing make up artist and having many late night chats about the industry and making me feel like I wasn’t alone as an artist. Joe at Fresh Collective for being such an amazing person to work with, spending 8 hours with you singing Wilson Phillips songs and making hilarious jokes has been a highlight for me. Getting a part time job seemed like a step backwards at first but fuck am I ever glad I ended up with you. And of corse Keira of Handsome & Lace for hiring me at such an amazing time for your business. I remember the first day we worked together in your studio, we laughed the whole time, had some inspiring deep conversations about life and the importance of doing what you want to do. You are by far the biggest drive these days and whenever I get down I think, man I bet Keira would just hop on her sewing machine and keep going and then I follow suit.
I want nothing but success to everyone I have ever worked for and with, I want all of us in 5 years to look back and be astounded and proud at all the hard work and passion we put into our own careers. I hope I know and work with all of you time and time again and we get to a point where we can all pay each other top dollars for our talents.
And last but not least to everyone that reads this blog, it’s changed so much over the past year and half now and I’m really happy with what it’s evolved into. I hope that through my fuck ups, rants, raves, and opinions some of you feel less crazy and alone in the world because your not. Not many people like to talk about the hard stuff, they focus on the pretty pictures and on the surface success but I really wanted to show people that life isn’t like that and things don’t just happen. I’ve read a lot of blogs that seem to paint this beautiful picture that their lives are full of free gifts, clothing, trips and wonderful things but underneath all that are people that have really pushed themselves to live the life they want. I just happen to show the gritty shit, the break downs, the drinking sprees, and the constant self doubt of being an artist. I’ve gained more readers in the past couple months since I’ve taken the honesty route and I couldn’t be happier. Sometimes it’s really hard putting myself on this because I really can’t control who reads it, but then again maybe I needed that to really stop caring what people think. I have the people I want around me in life and I’m unapologetic about what I write on here because its real, I don’t lie and I don’t make up shit just to get followers. It’s funny how a person could literally follow my entire life last year just by reading through this blog. I’ve had moments where people have come up to me at parties and hugged me because of something I wrote about which is a pretty crazy thing, but I love it and I goon out over it.

So here’s to 2014, the year I make my bitch!

I love you all, your all Honey Bears in my book!

P.S
Top four of Handsome&Lace photos care of Jane&Jane Photography
Picture of my mum care of Modelight photography
Two of me dancing and Branko and Tyler hugging care of Keiran Meyn photography

When Shit Hits the Fan, Grab an Umbrella

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So this month has been hard, really really hard. I’m feeling the struggle of making it on my own as a freelance wardrobe assistant. There have been more days lately that I’ve almost thrown in the towel and given up. It is like nothing I’ve ever gone through and to be honest I’ve had some pretty hard hills to climb in my little life.
It’s constantly trial and error, learning and fucking up over and over again. Its taken its toll on me emotionally, I have my doubts about whether or not I can actually make this work. Then again I’m doing good work, I know that this is the path so many artists have travelled on and very few get to say they made it. I want in every bone in my body to make it and that’s why I’m not giving up.
If one way doesn’t work then you go another way until it does. In the big picture things are not that bad, I have roof over my head until my landlord breaks my knee caps for being late again. I have a cucumber and thanksgiving leftovers in the fridge, I have my health, my friends and family, and I’m still doing the work I love regardless of it not being enough right now.
Last night during a ritual box o wine ladies night I realized that a lot of us are going through the same shit storm. I tend to self sabotage on a weekly basis, when things are great I feel like setting fire to something. We get so used to the struggle that we forget that we create it for ourselves. In our jobs, our relationships and how we treat ourselves are all creations of our thinking. For example we got on the subject of men last night as you do with a bunch of nut bar single ladies on cheap wine. My girlfriend started seeing a new man and it’s going great, too great to the point where she’s waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under her fry boots. I wheeled on her saying that’s the problem, she’s not giving herself enough credit. Isn’t the goal in life to be happy? To find someone who actually matches all your needs? I do the same thing and I’m sure many ladies do. We sift through the shit for so long we begin wondering why we can’t smell it anymore. It’s growing up, revamping the values and tolerances that were so different from when we were younger. We carry that baggage to every new encounter and don’t even realize the weight is killing us.
So what did I learn other then not to get up too fast after a smoke and break my ass on pavement last night? To be aware of the good things, embrace them and let go of the fear that your not worth it. You are and always have been and if your not happy you can always change, always walk away, and always start over.
I’m glad to be writing again and this blog post was a work in progress. I didn’t want to come back and rant about how life sucks and it’s hard because its not…I just thought it was and created it all by myself in my crazy head.
Next time you feel like the world is crashing down around you take a step back and really be aware of your thoughts. What you think is what you are, Buddha knew what he was talking about. I bet he didn’t count on being quoted by a basket case white girl though.

Thanks for reading my loves

Xoxo

-Casey Jane

Winos & Wanderers

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I wish I had a constant camera on me so at the end of every week I could sit down with a cheap Shiraz and watch myself create my life and live it. In a way that’s what this blog is, when I’m in my forties ill get to read over this and realize how insanely determined I was to live the life I wanted. It’s not easy, I know I talk about that a lot but I can’t stress enough the hard reality of becoming what you want to be. It’s lonely a lot of the time, I’m always working with new people which is amazing but I don’t have an office, I don’t have the same people I see everyday and I’m completely in my own head most of the time.
At the same time I love surrounding myself with people, mainly my friends because they are the ones that know me, they care about me and I want to spoil them all constantly! I daydream about being successful and being able to treat my friends, help them make their dreams, and creating even crazier adventures…not that we don’t all have those. This summer alone has been filled with photo shoots, pool hopping, scaling buildings to drink on roof tops, beach days, late night bike rides, and dancing with Kate to 90’s music alone in our apartment.
That part of my life is solid, my career is moving along at its own perfect pace whether I like it or not, and my personal life…well I’ve got some bugs to work out still. I feel like I’m constantly putting myself behind glass with men, I’ve changed a lot in the last year and it freaks me out knowing where my head is at these days. Commitment scares the shit out of me, the idea of creating anything other then art just gets my stomach in knots and I could be a little jaded…just a little. Now I’m not trying to say I’m a raging she hulk and every man should watch his step, I love the company of men and Im actually quite fond of the ones I’ve met. For me, right now I’m starting to see that it’s ok to have fun and want what you want. I’m being honest with myself and sometimes that comes at a price, I’m sure I’ve made a couple guys run away in the last little while but I know it was for the best…at least I think so. I could be completely wrong on this whole topic, I wouldn’t say I’m a scholar at being single, I’m more like a drunk freshman. Just an affectionate ball of goof, that’s typically what I am most of the time but on the days I pull back I’m a quiet little thinker. What I really like is being myself and watch which people stick around and which slip away, it’s a great thing because you end up landing in the company of really incredible people. I think that’s what I like best about being single, being fancy free little ol me and whoever wants to partake in it has to believe in who I am.
In my quest for my career I’m learning a lot about patience and knowing my place in it all. Assisting has taught me so many valuable things about the industry and becoming a professional wardrobe stylist. I learn so much from my Stylists and I’m forever grateful for their honesty and guidance, not to mention allowing me to make a living off what I love to do. I’ve learned to harness my focus in a sometimes chaotic environment, there is a lot of attention that’s needed to do a good job as an assistant. At the end of a shoot where I know I’ve done well I practically collapse once I get home into a giggling ball of insanity. It really takes a lot out of me but only when I’ve put my all into it and in the last month I’ve learned to focus and stay in the moment on shoots. Work is picking back up again and my bank account is pawning for the refill, it’s a struggle sometimes but I try not to let it get to me. I’m a very lucky lady and yea I sometimes eat toast for three days straight, I wash my underwear in my kitchen sink, and I use cinnamon as blush when I run out of makeup. But it’s all worth it, I have a beautiful apartment in the best neighbourhood, I’m living with my best friend and comedy partner and I’m learning how to become a wardrobe stylist! Ya, no complaints here.
The photos above are from I shoot I did with the lovely Jane & Jane and Erin Heather. Our beautiful Model Jocelyn had so much energy and really brought out the personality of the clothing. I pulled from designers Laura Siegel and Emily Woudenberg both who I admire a lot. When I was just starting out Laura and I had a phone conversation where she gave me some pretty amazing advice when I needed it the most. This shoot meant a lot to me because I never would have imagined being able to style with her clothing and yet just 8 months later here we are. It just goes to show how far you can go if you dream big, I had this quiet little thought in my head when I first spoke to Laura just wishing one day I could collaborate with her.
And then it happened.

I’m off to Bellwoods to meet Kate, keep dreaming k?

– Casey Jane