The Unemployed Truth

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Remember the darling Holly Golightly?

The real phoney of New York City that took herself to Tiffany’s window display anytime she had a “red day?”

I’ve been having my fair share of red days lately and I’m not really into believing a jewelry store will fix any of it. Maybe if I were there to successfully rob the place and head to Mexico…

Maybe then I’d be more inclined to visit the place.

No sparkling display is going to snap me out of the reality that I’m broke, jobless and in another slew of panic attacked mornings. When you can’t make rent and or cellphone payment your brain becomes a calculator of eternity. No matter what opportunities you uncover that little black cloud follows reminding you of the obvious.

You’re broke and bills are piling up, now what are you doing about it?

Unfortunately sending out over 70 resumes doesn’t quite put my mind at ease. I know I’m supposed to be patient but when you can’t leave your house because the grocery store doesn’t except I.O.U’s it’s a weight I can’t explain.

Although, through it all I won’t give up, because deep down, there is always foresight. There is always this vision that plays out if I just keep going. I’ve read about the persistence, the passion, and the patience it’s taken many other successful people to get to where they stand now.

It’s still fucking hard and anyone that tells you different is sniffing glue.

Being unemployed is a funny activity to take part in everyday, you do some weird shit when you’ve got nothing else to do. I get up usually with the hope that I’ll have a reply to the thousands of jobs I’ve applied to. Once the reality that no one gives a fuck about my ability to curate visuals sets in I then take to my couch.

There a lot of things you do when unemployed.

1. Attempt to make your resume “stand out” against the masses of other unemployed creatives. Maybe put in bold at the top MAGIC MONKEY NUTS to get their attention.

2. Creep the shit out of every company and it’s top employees on LinkedIn. If you’re really good you find them on Facebook with a recent Saturday night photo of them drunkenly pole dancing at the Hideout on Queen street.

Screen shot it and if things get real bad use it as leverage, it’s a dog eat dog world out there.

3. Update your website of any new and obviously pro bono work you’ve done.
I wonder if lawyers ever stage court hearings in their living room with other unemployed lawyers and judges like photographers and Stylist do?

4. Walk over to your fridge for the 100th time to make sure your food hasn’t moved places and that mouldy thing in a Tupperware container is still in fact really gross.

5. Have every job searching platform open on your computer and strongly debate applying to bottle girl jobs at night clubs with names like “TRA$E” or “Liquid night club”. Only because you know you’d make your rent, bills, and a possible vacation in one night of putting up with a sea of douche bags revved on G and Patron.

6. Call your parents and tell them casually that your landlord is coming to shoot out your knee caps so you won’t be joining them for Sunday dinner. Immediately following you check your bank account to see if they fell for your pitiful cry for help.

They didn’t because you’re an “adult” now.

7. While checking your almost empty bank account you see a glimmer of hope in the form of a government deposit of 60 dollars. You then hit the grocery store and wine wrack as you haven’t actually been outside in two days.

8. Go home and tell yourself you won’t open the wine until you send out 10 more resumes.

9. You open the wine and find out that hoarders is now on Netflix and applying to that knitting store can seriously go fuck itself.

You worked hard today, it’s drink to forget time.

To all my unemployed compadres I am with you, we must stand together in these long days of randomness and uncertainties. We must all support each other and regale in stories of weird new hobbies we’ve taken up to have something to talk about with friends.

We are all together on this…

Unless I see you at a job interview, then I’m slipping laxatives into your coffee when you’re not looking.

Dog eat dog world.

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What the Fuck Am I Doing? A 27 Year Olds Dilemma.

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I have gone under the radar again as far as wanting to share my life lately. I can’t say since I’ve been back things went right back to normal. They all changed as they do at this stage in my little existence. It’s funny looking back at myself, it’s embarrassing how many things I ignored that were so blatantly wrong. Being away from home for 26 days didn’t seem to have changed me much when I was in the thick of it.

I came back to a new roommate and adjusted accordingly, actually very comfortably. I really lucked out with Tim and I know he lucked out with me.

“Cough”

Because I’m awesome.

“Cough”

I guess we both were meant to end up under the same roof because it’s been so lovely in my humble downtown apartment. By lovely I mean the two of us laughing until our faces hurt. I feel like I’m back in my acting days making up voices, tag lines, and puns that make Tim’s face contort into someone who’s having a stroke. I love nothing more than to be a full blown idiot in my house and it’s nice to have someone who shares in it. Tim’s already had to carry me to bed, let me in because I forgot my keys, and more consistently dealt with me hungover.

Needless to say we are getting along swimmingly.

In booze.

It’s winter, we all turn into functioning alcoholics this time a year, it’s the spirit of Christmas!

I recently received the title of single again in the last few weeks which wasn’t the worst. The first two days I went into full female breakup mode, you know, wear the same sweater/yoga pant ensemble while your friends funnel wine down your throat.

At that point I thought about how I really felt, away from the comfort of companionship, away from the prospects, away from the fear of being alone.

Was I really happy?

The answer was no, I wasn’t anymore.

I’m at a point now where I ask myself this question a lot to kind of let my gut have a moment to put her two cents in. I sometimes ignore it or Im well aware that something needs to change. Sometimes it does this real fun thing where it makes the decision you won’t make regardless of your actions. Those are the times you learn something, at least for me it’s always another hint that I need to listen to myself just a little harder.

I’m ok being alone as long as I’m happy, I’m not shutting myself down either. I made a promise to myself that I would never allow something in my past to affect a new opportunity. I’d never want that done to me and yet it has been done to me a few times. It’s no biggy, people just have a hard time letting go, they don’t give themselves time to do it, it’s a really sad thing.
So here I am hurdled back into single-hood having to make sure my hair is brushed and socks are matched. Ok, the sock matching is never going to happen because clearly ALL my socks divorce one another once they reach the laundry mat.

That reminds me I have to put socks on my wish list…

Work life is all over the map right now, I’m in a vortex of transition. I find being 27 is a roller coaster of “WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING” moments mixed with social dilemmas of “How much wine do I have to drink to be brave enough to talk to that cute guy?”
I want to go back into costuming, I miss story telling with clothing, I miss the work ethic and the environment. My training has always stemmed from my love for the stage, that’s how this whole wardrobe love started. It’s not an easy transition to make in this economy, in this overly competitive, who you know society.

However I do have this annoying habit of being relentless in getting what I want.

I blame being a Leo and a product of an Irish woman and Dutch man.

I’m back to freelancing, I’ll be in survival mode for the next month but things always have a way of leading me to where I need to be. I’ll reach out to those who have helped me in the past, I’ll bombard the internet with my CV and website, and I’ll be patient. In the meantime I’ll be back to making money here, there, and everywhere.

Tonight will be the girls annual secret Santa and we’ve all agreed to make a gift. Needless to say we’ll probably all be getting Pinterest fails while each gift comes with a bottle of wine as an apology for the ball of glue and glitter given. By the end of the night we’ll all be in animal onesies explaining the process of creating each horrendous craft.

I love my friends.

They are what make me believe I’m a good person and that I do attract the love that I put out. Seeing my close friends interact at this stage in my life is incredible. I know I’m loving because they are, I know I’m strong because each one of them exudes it, and I know I care about myself because they really care about themselves.

You can’t have friends like that unless you can give yourself that same love. I’m convinced that even in my most doubtful moments I think about who I have around me and know everything will be ok. I know my friends are loyal and always will be. They are a constant reminder of how much I have to take care of myself and take care of their friendship.

It’s family after all.

Happy Holidays Lovelies,

I’ll be hosting the Tuninga family dinner this year so I’ll be sure to report back with pictures of my father parading around in an Ozzy Osbourne wig screaming “MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS”.

Paris Happened, I’m Back to Reality, Shits Getting Real.

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Paris was everything anyone has ever said about Paris, that’s why people love it, it’s a sure thing. I’m not saying that in a bad way, it was romantic and fairytale like. Our apartment was situated in the heart of said la la land and we spent our last days in Europe soaking up ALL the wine, pastries, ALL the baguette, and ALL the cheese.

The problem with this blog sometimes is that I usually write it in the moment of something in my life. In Paris I was writing the Berlin blog and by the time I got home I was hit with so much that Paris literally felt like a dream. I will also mention that coming home after 26 days really makes you want to turn everything off and slip into that bed you forgot you owned. I was lucky my boyfriend chose to stick around and was willing to hack it long distance styles with me. It’s not common to find someone who knows the value of travel and the value of you.

I came home to a new roommate, he’s non stop hilarity in all the good ways. I swear our first night was spent laying on the floor, drinking bourbon, and chain smoking until 4am. We’ve actually known each other and been buddies since the 9th grade. Yup, became close friends when we were pimply, I had braces, and awkward as fuck. We also dated and went to prom together. That ended in us downing a Micky of whiskey each, getting into a huge fight in the middle of a street in the beaches, and both of us going home with someone else.

It’s amazing how time and maturity can create a lasting bond right?

My career…well has taken a little detour, as it should, because you should never get too comfortable. Maybe I should never get too comfortable, it seems whenever I do shit hits the fan and I’m scrambling for an umbrella. It’s not a bad thing, it’s a learning thing, it’s a chance to grow thing, and it’s a time to get my big head out of the clouds thing.

At these crisis moments I always take a step back and go over all my work, I make lists of the skills I’ve learned so far, and I look at the brand of me that I’ve made. Usually at this point I have a hundred cigarettes and wonder how the hell I got to this point. I start thinking about all the things that have happened to me in the last 2 years, the wine gets opened, and it’s 9:30pm on a Tuesday with me drunk listening to folk music surrounded by papers.

It’s like a scene right out of the coo coo’s nest…

The next day is when I start the actual rational work, you know, look for opportunities, not drunk. I love the job I have now, I get to do every aspect of my talent, I just want more. My boss is one of my favourite humans, he’s fair, he teaches me, and he respects work ethic. Even if I’m off and I get stir crazy I can go in to the studio and create something. However like any business you need to be inspired, you need new surroundings to add to growth. This is my next step, I think at least, to go out and learn more skills. I know there are some crucial career moves I still need to make and I can’t if I don’t have the tools to do it with. It’s fucking terrifying, I have to learn software programs, I have to learn more about photography, I have to learn how to fully grade a pattern.

What the fuck did I get myself into…

Makes me wish this were like the movies and I could play the next couple months out through a montage.

That is totally one wish I would use if I found a genie in a bottle, montage abilities, uh win. And obviously you could pick the song that was going to play out, that’s essential.

Unfortunately I’ll have to play all this out in real time, I have until March to learn some new skills. It’s winter time, what else realistically will I be doing? Drinking wine, making soup, and learning design software.

Guys, I’m so cool.

I’m going to woo the boyfriend with sultry text messages about French sewing stitches and my ability to add layers to a PDF file.

To be real though, this is actually terrifying while simultaneously exciting. I don’t want to make this seem like it was an easy decision. Half of it I barely had a choice in, when you know, you just know. It’s like anything else, when you know you like someone, you know. If you are a mature adult, have self awareness then these things become loud and clear. You stop wasting time on the half assed feelings about anything and everything.

If you are half adult and an aware female you go through a obstacle course of emotions before you realize anything and everything that actually matters.

I knew for awhile that I needed to take a step back, it was a fight with my ego. It was silly thinking I could coast on everything I’ve built so far, it’s not enough. I have the talent of learning creative skills and I learn them pretty quickly when I get my drive in the right place. I know what I am capable of and I’m glad I have the life alarm bells that tell me when it’s time to switch up the game.

Time for more hard work, much more wine, and by March I’ll have a new batch of skills to put towards the professional artist title I so boldly hold.

If you need me I’ll be the jittery one in a giant blanket scarf in the corner of Jimmy’s coffee shop in the market.

Tunes
Gregory Alan Isakov – Dandelion Wine
Ezra Vine – Celeste
Pieta Brown & Amos Lee – Do you know

Werkin On My Shit

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I did it again, I disappeared from my blog duties for two weeks and I apologize for that. I have this problem sometimes where I just have nothing to write about. I mean I HAVE things to write about but they haven’t been looped in my head enough. I escape into a zone where I don’t feel the need to tell everyone how I’m feeling and just live in the moment. Although I do recap the really good bits and the extremely embarrassing ones for you lovely readers.
Life is however giving me a major hard on, like a lady hard on, but one nonetheless. The last time I wrote I was on the cusp of starting a new position working along side a Canadian Designer and I’m happy to write that It happened. I’m now assisting Mark Foreman of Bionic Workshop & Boutique. I get to walk to work, Mark is an incredible boss, and I actually have money in my bank account.

Guys, I did laundry, bought groceries, AND went for a half litre of wine at Java House in the same day…
I didn’t even have a bank account heart attack…
I even bought new underwear…
And a bra…

Ok that last one was a lie because it’s not actually a bra as more of a sexy spandex sling for my chest.

Last weekend the girls ( Kate, Cat, Sarah, Meghan) and I celebrated a very special life moment, Meghan and Xan’s engagement party. Yes I have become the Kirsten Wigg of our own Bridesmaid movie and I’m coming to terms with that. It was the first time I looked around at everyone and realized this was my life family. Those people at that party are people that are going to be around years from now telling stories about when we were young. It could have been the wine talking but I felt like an adult, a real one, for the first time in my life. I mean it quickly went away when Kate and I snuck out to smoke weed behind Meghan’s parents garden shed but for that brief moment I was content with adult Casey Jane.
Now I also remember bringing up a character by the name of LG, unfortunately the dapper fellow had a few more roads to travel down. I just hope I was a nice stop over along his way, he was a breath of fresh air. That’s all I’ll say about him.
Funny thing is that I’ve got everything I need in my life, and, if anything, I need someone who’s ready to accent it. I don’t need someone who wants to paint a different picture of me, I’ve got my own paint. I’ll be 27 years old in three days and I’m ready to push my life forward in experiences, in my career, and in myself. I’ve carved a small knot in Toronto and I’m not about to stop digging deeper.
I booked a three week trip to Europe with my friend Liz in October last Thursday. This will be my first real long vacation since I went to Grenada on a post break up rehab mission two years ago. I’m going to Paris, Holland to see my people, and Berlin where I might need to transplant my liver mid week. I feel like Liz and I were meant to do this for ourselves. When we met and bonded instantly there was this underlined connection to our pasts. I think we both needed each other to motivate ourselves to take a risk and go out and experience something we didn’t think we could do. I’m the first one to hold back on big investments for myself…I mean it took me 6 months to justify buying new underwear. Now we are booked and ready to adventure in Europe. Good lord lovelies the blog posts during that time are probably going to sound like a chapter out of Naked Lunch.
I’m still learning a lot about myself, I still have scars to mend, I still fuck up weekly but I am at a time in my life where I am genuinely proud to be me. I’m glad I got kicked to the curb a few times, I’m happy I made all those terrible late night decisions, and I will NEVER regret the hundreds of 3am pizza pockets I have consumed over the last two years.

Never.

Tunes

Felix Jaehn – Shine
Kodaline – High Hopes ( Filous remix)
Francesco Yates – Call
SPOON – Do You

Welcome to the Muppet Show

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I woke up with my head spinning this morning, mainly because of a hangover but also because its the end of the month. RENT TIME my least favourite day of the month because its a constant reminder that Im not financially sound yet. Its the day where I question what Im doing with my life and if all this struggle is worth a damn. I sit at my window and watch people drive by and I envision their bank statements above their head. I think about if they know what its like to actually not have a penny to their name. I wonder about my friends and if they go through the same thing, the same stress and self doubt that I do. I don’t have family to support me when times are tough, I have my roommate that calms the storms when she can, I have my best friends who take me out when I need to forget, and I have myself to pick up the slack and snap back into the hustle. Thats really all one needs and Im grateful for the people in my life, thats one thing I constantly send out to the universe is thanks for the beautiful people I have around me. 

The last couple days have been weird and wonderful as most days are in the past little while. Kate left me to my own devices over the weekend which wasn’t the best idea as I was reeling from an over creative week and hadn’t dealt with the demons I usually run out. I was my own one woman muppet show flying around the city with friends only to arrive home alone with a box of pizza pockets wishing I wasn’t such a nut bar. I try really hard to have self control but sometimes that little Casey takes the drivers seat and joy rides me into a Las Vegas setting of booze and popularity. I can’t describe the feeling of wanting something so badly to change yet fighting the old habits of my past that keep it from changing  

What is it that I want so badly? 

Normality and stability…I want to work during the week and I want to look at my bank statement and see the rewards of a good job that gives me purpose and confidence. Every one paid styling job I get there are 4 jobs I did for free and its wearing me down to a fine point. I even looked at bar tending jobs the other day and thought about stepping aside from the crazy dream of mine…but I know I won’t give up. I was raised by two people who never let anyone tell them how to live and how to make a living so maybe thats a blessing and a curse. Im trying to pave my own way and its very different that anyone in my family which makes it also very hard to explain to them that I DO work all the time I just don’t get paid for it…yet. I was telling my friend Tyler the other day that I think I have some supernatural patience, waiting for things is something Im very bad and good at. Bad because I get trigger happy and loose my cool only to wind up wishing I had looked before I leaped. Good because my resilience and persistence is that of a lion, I love deeply, I care deeply and I believe in the beauty of life too much to let a little ugliness send me down the wrong path. 

Oh yea and Id like a companion, a nice man to ask me how my day was and cuddle me until we realize we haven’t left my bed in two days. Ive met a really nice one it just seems the universe is keeping us busy with our own lives so I don’t have a firm grasp of what it is yet. Lets not forget my rejection fears and all that other fun stuff that goes on in a lady’s head. Im trying to not think so much, play it cool man, act like your not freaking out on the inside. Im not very good at that and Im also hell bent on not apologizing and not buying into all those “dating” games. Im the type of gal where if I like you then Im going to show you, Im going to act like my weird self because if I don’t then it’ll come as a complete shock to any man of how big of a person I am. I don’t want someone I have to hide away from anymore, I used to and it never ended well for me. Again I try and act all “I don’t need a man, I like being alone” and I do but I really want this time to work. I want to show vulnerability and I want show that the door is open and Im not going to slam it in his face. 

I want to slam my own face in a door right now..

Im scared though…Im scared of a lot of things that people don’t see in me. Im scared that everyone is going to get sick of me and my life. Im scared people are going to stop believing in me and its going to turn into a emotional shit show. Im terrified of failing and having to start all over again. Sometimes I worry that all this sacrificing and chasing is going to leave me alone and successful which isn’t success to me. I worry that Im going to be single forever, and I worry that my career is becoming too much of everything. I worry about my friends thinking Im taking advantage of them because its been 2 years of this and in anyones eyes that should be enough time to figure out how to pay rent and do a job well.

I wish it was…I really really do. 

Its just not that easy when you just have yourself to pick things up again, but thats life and everyone else has their own battles to fight. I can choose to let peoples doubt take ahold of me and change what Im doing. I can choose to allow all the worries and fears shut me up and just make money and live. I won’t though, not after all the work Ive done and not after all the other people Ive had to walk away from because they couldn’t handle it or didn’t want to. What I can say is that when I see someone struggle, when I see a friend having a hard time I relate instantly. I try everything to lift them up or make their day a little easier because Ive been there too many times and had a lot of people make it their mission to kick me when Im down. I know the feelings so well I almost take on their stress as my own, it still amazes me that people are still so careless with other peoples feelings. It just takes a second to remember a time when you were like them and take actions to help wherever you can. 

Im going to attempt to slow my brain down and see if I can turn this day into a successful one rather then a string of anxiety attacks and self loathing. 

 

– Casey Jane aka Paper Bag Princess 

St Lucia – All Eyes on You
Seoul – Stay With Us

Lighting Fires in a Spring Dress

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The thing between your ears, that lovely network of emotions and thoughts is a fickle thing when you don’t take care of it properly. I think I’ve run the tank dry after last week and it left me in a sea of sweat and a fun thing called night terrors. If you’ve ever experienced a night terror you’ll be well aware of the realness your subconscious can create. I’ve never been diagnosed with anything in the mental capacity, maybe it’s out of fear I might be a doctors pharmaceutical wet dream. In any case I woke up at 5am this morning in tears and screaming thinking I was back in my old Parkdale apartment with my ex, my old boss, and a tall native man with 24 kids holding a gun to my head.
MORNING!!!!
You can imagine my first alive thought was “I’m fucking loosing it” and the worst part was that I found myself utterly alone with myself. My consciousness had cornered me in a situation I’ve been avoiding over the last couple days…myself. Last week was filled with a lot of alone time travelling to and from photography sets and studios. I gave and gave and gave without giving myself a breath of fresh air or time to ask myself how I was actually feeling. I just drowned that breath in alcohol and told myself to shut up and man up, grab my balls, ya know, all manly and shit…
If you know me that last statement is as far from who I am but is how I attempt to act most of the time. I’m a tough cookie but I’m overly sensitive to other peoples emotions and the lovely heart attacks life throws at me. I can go for a long time and work myself to the point where I just crash and burn in a fiery display of partying and lonely pizza pocket eating at 4am. It’s those ego/fear fuckers that jumped on my worn out soul the minute I let my guard down…
And I let it happen.
I’m taking it as another lesson learned that neglecting myself at this stage in my career and my life is NOT an option. It’s one thing to work hard but it’s another thing to let that hard work take over all the other important things in my life, like taking care of me. I’ve been such an asshole to myself lately just throwing myself around this city to distract the fact that I have my feelings hurt by life.
The funny part is that I’ve accomplished some crazy stuff last week as far as my styling. I worked with Laura Siegel one of my designer icons and got to meet the lovely lady at her studio. I got hired back as an on set stylist for another four harlequin shoots with a stylist I admire and a crew I adore. I made it to the second round of interviews for Holt Renfrew in their visual department and helped a dear friend move into a new place. Not to mention I did laundry for the first time in months. It’s crazy I have enough clothes to last me that long but I’ll tell ya I was starting to wear some wacky ass outfits by the end.
I even read over this post and want to smack myself over how hard I am on myself. However that’s the great part, that’s the good fight but it doesn’t fix the fact I’m still struggling with rent, I’m still in this weird limbo of slowly moving forward with some things and holding back on others. I keep telling myself it’s for the greater good, being patient and persistent will bring what I want into my life. It will, but the in between is a fucking lonely ass place to be especially when everyone else in my life are going through very different life changes.
All my friends seem to be having so many lovely life moments in the past little while as far as their personal lives. It’s that time in life where families are being formed, relationships are moving to new levels and here I am in the middle of it all genuinely happy and insanely lonely at the same time. I feel their love, I see it, I give it back but at the end of it all I walk away holding my own hand. I’m constantly on the run and it makes me laugh that I have such a handle on my career path but I’m driving drunk in my personal lane crashing into dates and dinners. I put on a good show I’ll give myself that, it’s a deranged thing my dating life and the way I have acted with men the last year. Its gotten to the point where I don’t want to fight for anyone anymore because I’ve lost that fight so many times before. Now you can reply to that with the idea that the right person will put up the fight. I guess I had my heart set on someone I thought I could take a chance on and it doesn’t seem to be working out that way. I have to be ok with that but god dammit I’d love to feel that spark again with someone. I’m just not about to settle on a fake flame for the sake of not having to be the third wheel all the time.

I’ve got a lot more writing to do today so I’m kind of happy it’s raining buckets outside. I do want to say thank you to everyone reading this blog, it’s sometimes therapeutic but it’s also a way of sharing the fact that I am human.

Everybody poops.

Xox

– Casey Jane

Robby Hecht – New York City
J Tillman – Make Me A Pallet On Your Floor
Lord Huron – Lonesome Dreams

Cafe Dialogues and Waffle Fires

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So I lied…I took another week retreat from writing again, I think the last post made me want to dig deeper and figure out where the hell I’m at in my head these days. I don’t think I’ve made much progress other then a clear realization that I’m emotionally unavailable and addicted to drinking coffee and writing about how emotionally unavailable I am…does that sound conceded? I’m just seriously curious to this huge shift in myself, for those that really know me would ask the same thing. I’m usually a heart sleeve wearing, open door swaying, relationship overdosing kinda gal. Nowadays I’m a on the surface, at a distance, relationship dodging loose canon who can’t seem to get her words straight.
However in my work, well I’m on fucking fire, and actually almost literally as I learned my roommate this morning almost burnt down our apartment due to a over toasted ego waffle…she’s seriously going to kill me one of these days. I currently have 4 jobs including my freelancing which right now is collecting dust but it’s fine because with all the bouncing around I’ve been doing I’m kinda thankful for the break. I’m putting together a look book shoot with Handsome&Lace and my two favourite photographers Jane & Jane . I’m so excited about this shoot for many reasons. The main one being I get to help Keira create a press book that will really speak to our customers and show off the vibe we want to give out as a label/business. Not to mention I get to style 6 gentlemen and work with four of my favourite creative people in my life right now. I’m starting to really believe that I’ve found my purpose and that I’m really building an amazing career for myself, I remember when I thought styling was it but now I’m starting to see that was just the tip of the iceberg.
I’m starting to see what exactly I want for the next couple years as far as my own path goes. Im drawing pictures constantly in my head of my day to day life. Day dreaming I think is the main thing that keeps me moving forward, knowing that I’ve started to make my dreams come true already. It sounds really dorky, like almost goon worthy I know but I’m telling you if you think hard enough about something you truly want, you take the time to dream about it, write about it, do things that reference it, it’ll happen one way or another. It’s one of the reasons I don’t give up and why I take so many risks in figuring my life out and it’s certainly is the reason I am where I am right now. I’m young and I don’t see the point in playing safe at this stage, I think in your late twenties you should fuck up and be fearless because you realistically can. There is no excuse why anyone in their twenties can’t live the way they want and pursue anything they want, we have the energy, the social circles and the potential. I’m not talking about money, money doesn’t matter at all, obviously pay your bills and get by but I see too many of us chasing this unrealistic lifestyle of fancy this and glorified that. I’d much rather be poor now and work towards what I want to do than make good money now at something ill probably hate in a couple years. Besides you can be poor and not look it, I still dress nice, smoke my more expensive brand of smokes, have the occasional (less nowadays) night out and pay my rent. I have amazing friends, a wonderful creative circle and the random date everyone now and then…ya know to hold off the urge of getting 2 cats and to start a knitting club.
Those lonelies comes and go still, it’s a natural feeling when you see couples out shopping and being all gross and adorable. I have a new thing I do where I sit in cafes and make fake stories for couples who are sitting together. Sometimes I do it for single people too, mainly for attractive aloof men that are more interested in their copy of Palahniuk’s new book then whatever the fuck I’m up to. I recently saw a couple sitting together where one was reading a play and the other was doing the crossword…I didn’t know whether to instagram their perfect hipster love or hope the ceiling would cave in on their ironic happiness. I do enjoy seeing people happy together, I’m not a creeper that stocks happy couples for my own humility and commentary, it hasn’t gotten that bad yet. Deep down I know I like being alone, I know I have a long road of figuring myself out and I’m glad I’m taking the time to do it, rather then getting into a relationship for all the wrong reasons. I have no reason to get into a relationship, other then being lonely sometimes and that’s a wrong reason to search for the magic one. That’s like deciding to eat ice cream with a dairy intolerance, you missed it but your ass and insides certainly didn’t.
Besides all that I have a great relationship that I’m in with my roommate, I don’t where my stuff starts and her stuff begins. I find myself wanting to stay in and hangout with her more so than I want to go out and meet people. She makes me dinner, we always go out as a pair and to be honest she’s the only one I want to have a date night with, well other then the other 4 nut bar women I call my best friends. We have fart attacks, heart attacks and laugh attacks on the daily, I’ve seriously never laughed so hard in my life over someone attempting to order take out after having one to many silly sticks. I tuck her in to bed when she’s drank too much and she gives me drinks when I’ve cried too much. I think having that kind of dynamic with someone can really help you figure out what’s important to you and what you won’t give up on, friendship doesn’t just come and go like most relationships do. Having someone to go through things with that truly gets it is priceless, fuck MasterCard cause having a best girlfriend trumps any cute commercial with a baby playing in a box.

I think that’s all from me today, I’m off to sew some more opportunities and get my apartment clean for my parents inevitable invasion tonight. It’ll be lots of cheap wine, pasta and playing find and hide the paraphernalia we have scattered around the house…I always forget we have leopard fuzzy handcuffs hanging in our bathroom.

Here’s some Tunes for ya

Dustin Tebbutt – The Breach
Radical Face – The Mute
Rhodes – Run
Hey Marseilles – Bright Star Burning
Boy and Bear – Old Town Blues

Photos above in Order:
My best friend Branko who has been staying at my place for the past couple weeks played Lees Palace on Friday with Brendan Canning of Broken Social Scene, you can check there new music video out here
My friend Meghan turning herself into captain twister, conquering of awkward parties and defender of overtly sexual games
Again…Meghan and Sarah got into my closet and had a floor jam session equipped with fruit ukulele and feather boa
And lastly me in a change room…I’m going to a wedding over the weekend and because I never get to dress up I decided to go a little fancy pants with a lace cocktail dress.

When Shit Hits the Fan, Grab an Umbrella

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So this month has been hard, really really hard. I’m feeling the struggle of making it on my own as a freelance wardrobe assistant. There have been more days lately that I’ve almost thrown in the towel and given up. It is like nothing I’ve ever gone through and to be honest I’ve had some pretty hard hills to climb in my little life.
It’s constantly trial and error, learning and fucking up over and over again. Its taken its toll on me emotionally, I have my doubts about whether or not I can actually make this work. Then again I’m doing good work, I know that this is the path so many artists have travelled on and very few get to say they made it. I want in every bone in my body to make it and that’s why I’m not giving up.
If one way doesn’t work then you go another way until it does. In the big picture things are not that bad, I have roof over my head until my landlord breaks my knee caps for being late again. I have a cucumber and thanksgiving leftovers in the fridge, I have my health, my friends and family, and I’m still doing the work I love regardless of it not being enough right now.
Last night during a ritual box o wine ladies night I realized that a lot of us are going through the same shit storm. I tend to self sabotage on a weekly basis, when things are great I feel like setting fire to something. We get so used to the struggle that we forget that we create it for ourselves. In our jobs, our relationships and how we treat ourselves are all creations of our thinking. For example we got on the subject of men last night as you do with a bunch of nut bar single ladies on cheap wine. My girlfriend started seeing a new man and it’s going great, too great to the point where she’s waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under her fry boots. I wheeled on her saying that’s the problem, she’s not giving herself enough credit. Isn’t the goal in life to be happy? To find someone who actually matches all your needs? I do the same thing and I’m sure many ladies do. We sift through the shit for so long we begin wondering why we can’t smell it anymore. It’s growing up, revamping the values and tolerances that were so different from when we were younger. We carry that baggage to every new encounter and don’t even realize the weight is killing us.
So what did I learn other then not to get up too fast after a smoke and break my ass on pavement last night? To be aware of the good things, embrace them and let go of the fear that your not worth it. You are and always have been and if your not happy you can always change, always walk away, and always start over.
I’m glad to be writing again and this blog post was a work in progress. I didn’t want to come back and rant about how life sucks and it’s hard because its not…I just thought it was and created it all by myself in my crazy head.
Next time you feel like the world is crashing down around you take a step back and really be aware of your thoughts. What you think is what you are, Buddha knew what he was talking about. I bet he didn’t count on being quoted by a basket case white girl though.

Thanks for reading my loves

Xoxo

-Casey Jane

The new chapter to a long book

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Last night was the first night since I’ve moved into my new place where I’ve had a full nights sleep…it was glorious. I still haven’t had a full day off to unpack, clean and start another painting binge in my now red living room, I want it white and I want it now!
The one thing I’m trying to do is be patient with designing this new space, you can go broke pretty quick if you don’t plan out what you actually need opposed to what you want. What I love about the new place is the high ceilings, I feel so little walking into the living/dining room area and I can see the potential to make it a very bright and inviting space to be in. I started a floor plan and have been pinning on Pinterest like crazy! I’ve also been dancing around in my underwear a lot more…because I can, and Kmo (my roommate) hasn’t moved in yet, even though I’m sure it won’t change my behaviour much once she does.
Over the last couple days I’ve assisted on a Target Ad, pulled for four Harlequin book covers, and styled a Kraft Christmas campaign. It’s been non stop to say the least and I’m loving every minute of it. There is nothing more fulfilling being freelance than completely supporting yourself in your passion and what you love to do. I never thought this would be my life, I never imagined being freelance and taking this road. Now that I am I can’t stop dreaming bigger, doing greater things and working harder at reaching the next level of success in my career. I want it more then anything, I want to establish myself as a positive and professional force. I still have a long road to travel and I am still learning from my mentors and peers which whom I am forever grateful towards. I never want to loose that sense of being humbled by my work and life.
On Saturday I was taken to a great play called The Delicatessen on Ossington. It’s a comedy based on a couple that goes to a sex club called Wicked, which is actually a real swingers club on Queen West. It really explored the dynamic of the modern couple which is completely fucked up and confusing sometimes. It shows that no matter how much you’ve built together it can all mean nothing if you have nothing left for yourself. The main couple is trying to spice things up, try new things while in the end it doesn’t solve the fact that they are both personally unhappy with themselves. I know this sounds tragic but it’s written hysterically well, the language was quick and on point, and the actors had an amazing dynamic between them.
I didn’t realize how much I missed live theatre until I started watching this play, it’s nice to immerse yourself in someone else’s art for awhile. Next week I’m planning on going to the AGO and soak up some fine art as the gallery is open for free on Wednesday nights, also I’ve been hearing incredible things about a new exhibit there called According to What? by Chinese artist Ai WeiWei.
The photos above are snaps of the moving day with Shaina and Meghan playing go cart at the storage unit. A reality slap at a wardrobe rental house I was working at, I’ve been questioning my bone structure ever since. A view of my giant window in my bedroom, it’s a little loud when the streetcars roll by but honestly over the years living on Queen it’s become kinda nostalgic to me. Fabric guru Lisa cutting a few yards of sheer at Trendy Fabrics on queen west, honestly there are the best garment shops around my new place. Me enjoying my window spot, I can lay on my bed and lean out my window onto queen, there’s something Parisian about being able to do that. Never ending laundry trip to my local place, I was trying to wash an outfit before a date…I ended up being 30 mins late to a thoughtful picnic and a very dapper fellow…I amaze myself at how I get so nervous before a date still.
Lastly this amazing instrument my friend Rachelle owner of Hawkeye’s on Roncevalles scored for a Mumford and Sons event she designing.

I’m enjoying a little bit of a relaxed day today planning out next week and some home projects.

Happy Wednesday lovelies!

Tunes
We are the city – Friends Hurt
Nataly Dawn – Araceli
Jeremy Fisher – Sula
Marvin Gaye – Got to give it up

Xoxo

The Couch Divorce

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Today is moving day, it’s where I try and figure out how to maneuver things into doorways, push up stairs, and try and convince my friends that beer and pizza is a reasonable payment…I may have to get something stronger than beer.
It hasn’t hit me yet that I am divorcing my mums couch for my beautiful queen size bed, who, has been on vacation in a storage locker. I get all my treasures, my art, my life back and it’s because I made this happen. I had A LOT of help from my family and friends, ya know, the back bone of my existence is them hands down. I’ve found the positive, creative, loving people in my life and I’m not letting go of them, some of them will have to change my diaper when I’m old.
Oh and my new roommate is my best friend Kate, I guess fate has some bigger plan for the two of us. I remember when we were teenagers, we’d be sitting in whatever apartment I was living at and dream about living together. We’d talk about all the comedy and plays we were going to write, we generally thought we were going to be the next Amy Poehlar and Tina Fay. Now in two short weeks she will be joining me in the apartment, my liver is quivering already, this blog is about to get weirder…
As of tonight ill be completely alone in my space for the first time in awhile, it’s going to be a very surreal moment. I don’t want to rush over this, I really want to capture all my feelings and emotions throughout it all. I feel like this time in my life is shaping me more then life ever has, I can feel things differently and my thoughts are changing tune. I can’t explain the headspace that I’m in right now, it feels like all those academy award winning movie moments. You know the ones, where the perfect song chimes in, the camera pans out, it’s a melodic silence that touches your soul and makes you feel alive.
Today I also get to laugh at my girlfriends trying to pull off the “mover” look, their all tough chicks but that comes out after a few whiskey shots and a 80’s song. All of our personalities mashed together creates a pretty hilarious scene, it’s like watching arrested development on pot brownies. My friend Branko will be the only male, I’m praying to Buddha for him, he has his massive band van that will house all the furniture. He really is the best, whenever I need him he’s there for me, he’s been a constant fuel in my life and we both want the very best for each other.
I’m so grateful for the life I get to live 🙂 I really, truly am.
Time to get this show on the road,

– Casey Jane

Photos above in order:
My favourite restaurant Java, if you need to find me ill be there eating cheap pad Thai and 4 dollar house wine. A prison like bathroom on Toronto island after a PBR and Billy Holiday picnic with my friend Meghan. Women, we are nuts and a strange species but when we wear heels it’s like the mans version of a dog whistle. A single pink cloud that I named Jerry last night, he seemed so alone and perfect set in the sky. And lastly my friend Branko’s band playing at their CD release party last week, they are called Dinosaur Bones and their new album is Shaky Dream, check em out cause they’re gonna be big!
Tunes
Donovan Woods – Put on Cologne
Macklemore and Ryan Lewis – Same
Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros – Home
Donovan Woods – Petrolia
Kings of Leon – Back Down South