The Night Casey Jane Entered Stage Left and The Symphony Was Drunk.

unnamed unnamed (1) unnamed (2) unnamed (3) unnamed (4)SMASH…

Enter stage left Ms Casey Jane sauntering into a bar after drinking a reverends wife’s yearly supply of wine. Thats 2 bottles and a magnum if you are wondering.The magnum is only when she holds her yearly Tupperware party with the ladies from her knitting club. Agnes is a REAL lush bag when they get into a biblical debate.We however drank all this before midnight, I even wore heels. Mainly because I wore them all day with no socks and didn’t want to alert the authorities that a dead body had been dumped on Queen West.

Entourage enters stage left consisting of one life partner named Justin Edwards. My incredible gay go getter that makes me feel like I’m fucking queen of the world, I also occasionally buy him brunch.
Its a rule between gay/straight life partners.
He took to the party like a conductor at a symphony and left on a man hunt faster than the road runner did when the coyote was getting too close. He’s also designing my apartment so he’s pretty much the full package and he’s mine you cant have him!

Our love is immaculate.

Anyway, I walked in thinking I would spend my time yelling derogatory slurs at my bar tending roommate. I thought I would sit down next to Meghan and get slapped and told how much she loved me. Hell I thought I would end up hammered in front of my oven cursing at it to make my pizza pockets faster.

And then, as if it was as natural as anything I sat down next to him.

Have you ever forgotten something? Like completely? Then out of the blue someone says something, shows you something or just is something and you wonder how you ever forgot it?

Funny isn’t it.

Over on Berkeley St I’ve become in love with putting my key in the door of my office every morning. Turning on the music, the lights, and now that spring is here opening the door to let the long awaited breeze flow in. The guys play fooseball late afternoon while the girls sit around our lounge area talking about escorts and prostitutes over lunch. We’re an amazing bunch that are creating extremely great work. The prostitute conversation expanded because of a mutual love for Pretty Woman, I mean Richard Gere…
COME ON!
I’d totally allow kissing.

Creative meetings, pitches, hallway conversations, conference calls filled with laughing and ideas. Our office is alive and I couldn’t be happier with where I am in life right now.

The homestead is still filled with the insanities of Casey and Tim trying to adult. We found out we have mice, so thats been fun. I keep naming them and then making a personal relationship with them, only I hate them.

Its hate.

Its a hate relationship.

Fred’s the worst cause he just sits in my kitchen staring at me like a smug fuck head.

The girls and I spent saturday getting day drunk and going to our friend Evely’s birthday party. We met for brunch and after the waitress feared we were getting sober poured us each a glass of wine all the way to the top. We ended up buying a birthday present consisting of a plant named Stuart McDick, a bouquet of Pussy Willows and a 4L box of white wine.

Looking back on it now its not a surprise the three of us ended up in a kiddy park trying to drive pedal cars…

Thats what the warm weather brings around here, well not belligerent females defacing a children’s playground. It just brings out life a little more, it brings people together longer and more intimate. My heart sings a lot louder when the sun hits my face when I crash out of my apartment at the start of the day. Warm weather means later nights in parks, longer sits on patios and backyard get togethers that make me you smile from the inside out. It also reminds me every single day I open my deer in headlight eyes that…

I am one lucky fucking bitch.

Spring is here Toronto.

Thanks for reading loves.

Tunes

Lord Huron – Meet Me In The Woods  My favourite album right now, in the words of my dear Kmo “Its my fucking favourite.”

Andy Shauf – Hometown Hero

Lord Huron – Luisa         Again, My fucking favourite.

Leon Bridges – River

Father John Misty – When You’re Smiling and Astride Me

Drew Holcomb & The Neighbors – American Beauty 

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What the Fuck Am I Doing? A 27 Year Olds Dilemma.

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I have gone under the radar again as far as wanting to share my life lately. I can’t say since I’ve been back things went right back to normal. They all changed as they do at this stage in my little existence. It’s funny looking back at myself, it’s embarrassing how many things I ignored that were so blatantly wrong. Being away from home for 26 days didn’t seem to have changed me much when I was in the thick of it.

I came back to a new roommate and adjusted accordingly, actually very comfortably. I really lucked out with Tim and I know he lucked out with me.

“Cough”

Because I’m awesome.

“Cough”

I guess we both were meant to end up under the same roof because it’s been so lovely in my humble downtown apartment. By lovely I mean the two of us laughing until our faces hurt. I feel like I’m back in my acting days making up voices, tag lines, and puns that make Tim’s face contort into someone who’s having a stroke. I love nothing more than to be a full blown idiot in my house and it’s nice to have someone who shares in it. Tim’s already had to carry me to bed, let me in because I forgot my keys, and more consistently dealt with me hungover.

Needless to say we are getting along swimmingly.

In booze.

It’s winter, we all turn into functioning alcoholics this time a year, it’s the spirit of Christmas!

I recently received the title of single again in the last few weeks which wasn’t the worst. The first two days I went into full female breakup mode, you know, wear the same sweater/yoga pant ensemble while your friends funnel wine down your throat.

At that point I thought about how I really felt, away from the comfort of companionship, away from the prospects, away from the fear of being alone.

Was I really happy?

The answer was no, I wasn’t anymore.

I’m at a point now where I ask myself this question a lot to kind of let my gut have a moment to put her two cents in. I sometimes ignore it or Im well aware that something needs to change. Sometimes it does this real fun thing where it makes the decision you won’t make regardless of your actions. Those are the times you learn something, at least for me it’s always another hint that I need to listen to myself just a little harder.

I’m ok being alone as long as I’m happy, I’m not shutting myself down either. I made a promise to myself that I would never allow something in my past to affect a new opportunity. I’d never want that done to me and yet it has been done to me a few times. It’s no biggy, people just have a hard time letting go, they don’t give themselves time to do it, it’s a really sad thing.
So here I am hurdled back into single-hood having to make sure my hair is brushed and socks are matched. Ok, the sock matching is never going to happen because clearly ALL my socks divorce one another once they reach the laundry mat.

That reminds me I have to put socks on my wish list…

Work life is all over the map right now, I’m in a vortex of transition. I find being 27 is a roller coaster of “WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING” moments mixed with social dilemmas of “How much wine do I have to drink to be brave enough to talk to that cute guy?”
I want to go back into costuming, I miss story telling with clothing, I miss the work ethic and the environment. My training has always stemmed from my love for the stage, that’s how this whole wardrobe love started. It’s not an easy transition to make in this economy, in this overly competitive, who you know society.

However I do have this annoying habit of being relentless in getting what I want.

I blame being a Leo and a product of an Irish woman and Dutch man.

I’m back to freelancing, I’ll be in survival mode for the next month but things always have a way of leading me to where I need to be. I’ll reach out to those who have helped me in the past, I’ll bombard the internet with my CV and website, and I’ll be patient. In the meantime I’ll be back to making money here, there, and everywhere.

Tonight will be the girls annual secret Santa and we’ve all agreed to make a gift. Needless to say we’ll probably all be getting Pinterest fails while each gift comes with a bottle of wine as an apology for the ball of glue and glitter given. By the end of the night we’ll all be in animal onesies explaining the process of creating each horrendous craft.

I love my friends.

They are what make me believe I’m a good person and that I do attract the love that I put out. Seeing my close friends interact at this stage in my life is incredible. I know I’m loving because they are, I know I’m strong because each one of them exudes it, and I know I care about myself because they really care about themselves.

You can’t have friends like that unless you can give yourself that same love. I’m convinced that even in my most doubtful moments I think about who I have around me and know everything will be ok. I know my friends are loyal and always will be. They are a constant reminder of how much I have to take care of myself and take care of their friendship.

It’s family after all.

Happy Holidays Lovelies,

I’ll be hosting the Tuninga family dinner this year so I’ll be sure to report back with pictures of my father parading around in an Ozzy Osbourne wig screaming “MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS”.

Paris Happened, I’m Back to Reality, Shits Getting Real.

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Paris was everything anyone has ever said about Paris, that’s why people love it, it’s a sure thing. I’m not saying that in a bad way, it was romantic and fairytale like. Our apartment was situated in the heart of said la la land and we spent our last days in Europe soaking up ALL the wine, pastries, ALL the baguette, and ALL the cheese.

The problem with this blog sometimes is that I usually write it in the moment of something in my life. In Paris I was writing the Berlin blog and by the time I got home I was hit with so much that Paris literally felt like a dream. I will also mention that coming home after 26 days really makes you want to turn everything off and slip into that bed you forgot you owned. I was lucky my boyfriend chose to stick around and was willing to hack it long distance styles with me. It’s not common to find someone who knows the value of travel and the value of you.

I came home to a new roommate, he’s non stop hilarity in all the good ways. I swear our first night was spent laying on the floor, drinking bourbon, and chain smoking until 4am. We’ve actually known each other and been buddies since the 9th grade. Yup, became close friends when we were pimply, I had braces, and awkward as fuck. We also dated and went to prom together. That ended in us downing a Micky of whiskey each, getting into a huge fight in the middle of a street in the beaches, and both of us going home with someone else.

It’s amazing how time and maturity can create a lasting bond right?

My career…well has taken a little detour, as it should, because you should never get too comfortable. Maybe I should never get too comfortable, it seems whenever I do shit hits the fan and I’m scrambling for an umbrella. It’s not a bad thing, it’s a learning thing, it’s a chance to grow thing, and it’s a time to get my big head out of the clouds thing.

At these crisis moments I always take a step back and go over all my work, I make lists of the skills I’ve learned so far, and I look at the brand of me that I’ve made. Usually at this point I have a hundred cigarettes and wonder how the hell I got to this point. I start thinking about all the things that have happened to me in the last 2 years, the wine gets opened, and it’s 9:30pm on a Tuesday with me drunk listening to folk music surrounded by papers.

It’s like a scene right out of the coo coo’s nest…

The next day is when I start the actual rational work, you know, look for opportunities, not drunk. I love the job I have now, I get to do every aspect of my talent, I just want more. My boss is one of my favourite humans, he’s fair, he teaches me, and he respects work ethic. Even if I’m off and I get stir crazy I can go in to the studio and create something. However like any business you need to be inspired, you need new surroundings to add to growth. This is my next step, I think at least, to go out and learn more skills. I know there are some crucial career moves I still need to make and I can’t if I don’t have the tools to do it with. It’s fucking terrifying, I have to learn software programs, I have to learn more about photography, I have to learn how to fully grade a pattern.

What the fuck did I get myself into…

Makes me wish this were like the movies and I could play the next couple months out through a montage.

That is totally one wish I would use if I found a genie in a bottle, montage abilities, uh win. And obviously you could pick the song that was going to play out, that’s essential.

Unfortunately I’ll have to play all this out in real time, I have until March to learn some new skills. It’s winter time, what else realistically will I be doing? Drinking wine, making soup, and learning design software.

Guys, I’m so cool.

I’m going to woo the boyfriend with sultry text messages about French sewing stitches and my ability to add layers to a PDF file.

To be real though, this is actually terrifying while simultaneously exciting. I don’t want to make this seem like it was an easy decision. Half of it I barely had a choice in, when you know, you just know. It’s like anything else, when you know you like someone, you know. If you are a mature adult, have self awareness then these things become loud and clear. You stop wasting time on the half assed feelings about anything and everything.

If you are half adult and an aware female you go through a obstacle course of emotions before you realize anything and everything that actually matters.

I knew for awhile that I needed to take a step back, it was a fight with my ego. It was silly thinking I could coast on everything I’ve built so far, it’s not enough. I have the talent of learning creative skills and I learn them pretty quickly when I get my drive in the right place. I know what I am capable of and I’m glad I have the life alarm bells that tell me when it’s time to switch up the game.

Time for more hard work, much more wine, and by March I’ll have a new batch of skills to put towards the professional artist title I so boldly hold.

If you need me I’ll be the jittery one in a giant blanket scarf in the corner of Jimmy’s coffee shop in the market.

Tunes
Gregory Alan Isakov – Dandelion Wine
Ezra Vine – Celeste
Pieta Brown & Amos Lee – Do you know

A Battlefield, A Hitch, And A Fear To Fart.

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I’m checking in before I check out to Europe in 2 weeks, it’s happening and I’m insanely excited. This trip signifies a lot for me, it’s an accomplishment. A spawn of all the other accomplishments I’ve had the last couple years. All the sacrifices, all the things I had to give up, the people I had to walk away from. It sounds a little dramatic but I feel like I’m standing at the end of a battlefield just as the dust begins to settle. I don’t know if I won, or if that actually happens in life; it’s not really a competition.

I do know that I am happy to not fight for a little bit.
Like…three weeks.
Then I’ll strap on my guns again.
But I need those fuckin three weeks like Lindsey Lohan needs periodical rehab visits.
A LOT!!!

Everything else in my life is extremely amazing, which is freaking me the fuck out. My friends are still disastrously perfect as was exhibited last weekend at our first Drunk Ladies and Gentlemen BBQ. The boyfriend and I were on a mission to kill our sobriety after a week of freelance life on both our ends. There we all were, all the hitched ladies and the men we’ve seduced for various lengths of time. Let’s face it, we’re not normal, which was eloquently shown through Sarah’s opinion of The BF’s football choice. She dead stared him while burping and then blew said burp in his general direction…

This woman is teaching our children for the future.
And this happened at the dinner table.
Where food was.

I’m settling into this new shift in life, I’m really open to everything and content with the choices I’m making. The cool thing is that I’m not hiding anything from anyone. I am who I am, I have bad parts and I have beautiful parts. I’ll constantly make myself better but I’m not about to change anything I don’t want to. When you go into things bare boned you learn quickly if it’s right for you or not. That took me an exceptionally long ass time to learn and I still have to check in with myself.

Now this being said I’m still terrified to do a few things and I’ve made a list of new fears that haunt my daily existence.

1) Farting for the first time in front of my man.
2) my life is too good and I’m going to fuck it up.
3) Spiders crawling into my nostrils…I read something I shouldn’t have.
4) The designer I work for ( Mark Foreman) is going to clone me and then I’m going to get back from Europe and have to kill the clone.
5) Getting a new roommate after Kate…what if they don’t get my weirdness?
6) I’m still not working hard enough.

The trick is knowing what you’re afraid of, really asking yourself “hey pal do you like spiders? And then promptly shivering and saying a big NOPE to that shit.

My work is a mash up between my two favourite things:
Styling for Harlequin Romance Novels
Assisting a Canadian Designer and operating a workshop/boutique

It’s all groovy on my end, however I would like to make a plan of action to rise above the poverty level, but hey that takes time too. I’ve got my two dream jobs and happily have not stepped back into the realm of many many part time positions.
THATS something to be thankful for.
I think back to just a couple months ago still feeling the struggle. I remember when it broke, the struggle stopped and I was left at the edge of that dwindling battlefield.

And this is the part where I tell you to keep fighting until you feel that silence . It’s bittersweet, it’s the ending of an era for you. Yes, you’ll have many more battles to fight but when you win the career building war. When you brake into that new world the game changes and it’s the best fucking feeling you could ever imagine.

Thanks for reading loves,

Xox

Tunes
Vance Joy – Emmylou
Vance Joy – Mess is Mine
Vance Joy – My Kind of Man

Finding Bravery in a Bear Costume

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Life’s funny in the way it plays out, in the way it unfolds, and in the way it shows you the things you deserve whether you think so or not. Here I am sitting at my desk overlooking Queen West replaying the learning and events in the past week. If you read my last weeks post you’ll know that I told the story of my mental illness struggles. You’ll know it was a hard thing to write but I wrote it, I pushed myself for a purpose that was bigger than myself. This blog is supposed to inspire and make people understand that we are all, in the big picture, just humans, trying to find the beauty in it all. I am one of those humans and from that post I’ve found bravery in my life. I found a part of me that wasn’t as strong as some of my other traits. It was the missing piece I have been searching for to move my life along.
Being brave is life saving.
Being brave allows many things to come into your life. Think about it, all those times in your life when you wanted something so bad it took over any inhibitions you created.
You went for it, you said fuck it, you through yourself into the flames you normally would think you’d get burned by. You went for that job opportunity that may be out of your comfort zone. You let your guard down with someone that made your stomach get butterflies. You booked that appointment that would change your health for the best. You opened up to a close friend about something that’s been plaguing you. Yes, you hesitated and yes you felt like you were going to barf and pass out at the same time. But somewhere deep inside you was bravery and the truth in knowing this was and is the right choice.
Now what comes from bravery?
Truth.
Being truthful to yourself and others can only create a world where we can all live as ourselves. I used to lie a lot because I wasn’t brave enough to be myself. I would create stories and false promises because I wanted to please people because what would I do on my own? I felt like I needed these people who told me what was best, what I should be doing, how I should act.
It was all bullshit.
I realized my freedom while up at my best friend Sarah’s cottage last weekend. Five women in a cabin getting hammered after months of planning a simple three day retreat. There was truthful conversations, lots of love, farts (thanks to Kmo) and just admiration for each other. I never thought twice about walking around the cottage in Cats Roots sweatshirt onsie while drinking a caesar out of a champaign flute. We certainly didn’t care making Kmo dress up in a bear costume and going to the only local bar in town to play pool belligerently. And we also didn’t care that we all told one van that cut us off to suck our butts while doing a jack off hand motion through all our windows.

It’s being unapologetically yourself that attracts the right people into your life, the right people for you.

Which is how I met the gentleman from the beaches ( I didn’t tell him I was writing about this so he’ll have a nickname for now) the man I’m happily in a relationship with. It’s easy to say he came out of nowhere, because he did, however the timing couldn’t have been better. The woman that I am now and the man that he is seemed to collide at the right speed. I’ve had my single rants about dying alone in a bed of pizza pocket boxes and wine bottles. I’ve regaled stories of dates gone wrong where I’ve had food in my hair, I’ve shown up drunk, or planned a picnic only to get eaten alive by fire ants.
These escapades have all been hilarious and have kept me single because as I’ve also said “I’m not settling on maybes and sures” I wanted to meet someone and instantly say to myself “I WANT ALL OF THAT”. GB was that guy and I’m only assuming I was that lady the night we met. It was like a switch clicked and everything I was ever scared of or questioned with a man went black. Now I’m not saying I’m still not terrified, I’ve spent so much time being alone that it’s all a lot to take in.
But you know what?
It’s really easy to do this time and that’s the way it should be.

So if you’ve learned anything from me is that I know nothing.
Seriously, I’m just aware of myself more then I ever have and that keeps me at an advantage in moving forward. I trust myself and that is why I am working the career I want, that’s why I have the greatest friends, and that’s why I’m now not going to spend Friday nights alone in a sea of pad Thai and cheap white wine.
Ok those nights will still happen…
What the fuck am I thinking?

I’m going to keep epically failing so that I can notoriously prevail in this little life of mine.

Thank you again for reading lovelies, and remember if you know someone who is suffering from any mental illness please give them a stage to stand on. Back to my last post, Robin William’s death taught us anything is that we are all battling something. Talk about it openly, support and honour those that do because it’s a huge leap to recovery for them.

Xoxo

Casey Jane

Tunes!

Vance Joy – Ripe tide
Matt Kearney – Dancing in the Dark
Kevin Drew – My God

Pizza Pops and Circus Clowns

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I’m constantly surprised by the learnings of life and the ever growing gratefulness I have to everything. For the past 2 years I have struggled with finding my place in it all. I’ve gone in and out of so many work spaces and carried a stress of not knowing where my next pay would come from. Lately, for the first time, I’m beginning to feel stability. It’s a slow process and realistically I won’t be completely back on my feet until July. I have to respect that and make choices that can make that goal a reality. I’m really enjoying my life and again for the first time I’m giving myself a break. The mental break downs have stopped, my night terrors haven’t happened in weeks, and the stresses of my insane singleness have vanished. I’m happy with everything that is my life right now.
I also have been living without a phone for the last two weeks.
It’s been…
Interesting.
Not in a bad way though, in a eye opening good way as it’s allowed me to be in the moment A LOT more. I hang out with the friends that still make ways to contact me knowing once I leave my house I’m in limbo. If anything my social life has become richer.
Last weekend we had our first Hanlands nude beach day over on the island. I met my friend Tim of almost 15 years at the ferry dock and it was the first time we hung out in FOREVER! Tim was my prom date and was actually my first guy friend in high school. He’s one of those friends where no matter how much time goes by it’s an instant ease into where we left off. The day was spent laughing until my face hurt, making hashtags with my friend Liz, and creating a pizza pocket salad with Tim.
This past Friday I went over to my best friend Meghan’s condo to build a #drunkassladyfort for a girls night celebration. Our friend Cat finished her chiropractic exams and even hearing her lightly talk about it made my brain hurt. We built the fort out of blankets, wrap skirts, pipe cleaners, and hair ties. No lady fort is complete without twinkle lights, flower garlands, and a shit load of wine. So there we were, 5 drunk women in their late twenties rolling around in a blanket fort on a Friday night.
On Saturday Liz and I party hopped and ended the night with me hitting and climbing parked cars with a balloon in hand…
We still don’t know how I acquired the balloon or why I turned into a drunk Bart Simpson. We had gone to a house party for drinks where her gay friend decided to call me Jane Fonda for the night. I didn’t protest as I was more interested in the wine drinking and getting into an accent mimicking war with a stranger. I came home that night at 5:30 and waited until 6am for my two pizza pockets to cook in the oven. I also burned my boob while eating them in bed and not waiting for them to cool down…
As a recent date of mine would say “classy dame”.
I actually fell on my face in my shop on our first date while closing up. On our second date I ordered a chicken sandwich that was stacked way to high for my mouth. Without thinking I took my whole hand and smushed the sandwich so that I could eat it. Needless to say I’m really staying true to the real me lately.
Styling has been slow just with my mission out of poverty and my new found love of my almost full time job. I work as a style coach for an independent retail shop that represents local and Canadian designers. I’m really working hard to find my place within the company and use everything I’ve learned to do the best job I can. It’s really sparked the idea of creating a place within a community that is supportive and doing amazing work. I love working with our local designers and branching out to better my career and theirs. I still have a lot to learned but I’m making the choices to be honest and accountable for how my life plays out. The money will follow with dedication and persistence. I’ve come out of many hardships to know that it’s only making me a stronger woman. Everyday I choose to keep going is everyday I get closer to the ideal life I want to lead.

And that’s coming from a lady that burnt her tit on a rogue pizza pocket filling.

Just keep going, accept your life for how wonderful it is, and be grateful for the people that are in your life. Listen to yourself and learn from your choices and actions to become nothing but better. This time in life is all about finding yourself so don’t rush it, don’t be impatient, it’s all coming in its own perfect time.
At least that is what I’ve come to believe.

Happy June my darlings

Casey Jane

Tunes
Hall & Oates – Head Above Water
Yuna – Falling
Great, Good, Fine, Ok – Not Going Home
Gregory Alan Isakov – Light Year

Cafe Dialogues and Waffle Fires

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So I lied…I took another week retreat from writing again, I think the last post made me want to dig deeper and figure out where the hell I’m at in my head these days. I don’t think I’ve made much progress other then a clear realization that I’m emotionally unavailable and addicted to drinking coffee and writing about how emotionally unavailable I am…does that sound conceded? I’m just seriously curious to this huge shift in myself, for those that really know me would ask the same thing. I’m usually a heart sleeve wearing, open door swaying, relationship overdosing kinda gal. Nowadays I’m a on the surface, at a distance, relationship dodging loose canon who can’t seem to get her words straight.
However in my work, well I’m on fucking fire, and actually almost literally as I learned my roommate this morning almost burnt down our apartment due to a over toasted ego waffle…she’s seriously going to kill me one of these days. I currently have 4 jobs including my freelancing which right now is collecting dust but it’s fine because with all the bouncing around I’ve been doing I’m kinda thankful for the break. I’m putting together a look book shoot with Handsome&Lace and my two favourite photographers Jane & Jane . I’m so excited about this shoot for many reasons. The main one being I get to help Keira create a press book that will really speak to our customers and show off the vibe we want to give out as a label/business. Not to mention I get to style 6 gentlemen and work with four of my favourite creative people in my life right now. I’m starting to really believe that I’ve found my purpose and that I’m really building an amazing career for myself, I remember when I thought styling was it but now I’m starting to see that was just the tip of the iceberg.
I’m starting to see what exactly I want for the next couple years as far as my own path goes. Im drawing pictures constantly in my head of my day to day life. Day dreaming I think is the main thing that keeps me moving forward, knowing that I’ve started to make my dreams come true already. It sounds really dorky, like almost goon worthy I know but I’m telling you if you think hard enough about something you truly want, you take the time to dream about it, write about it, do things that reference it, it’ll happen one way or another. It’s one of the reasons I don’t give up and why I take so many risks in figuring my life out and it’s certainly is the reason I am where I am right now. I’m young and I don’t see the point in playing safe at this stage, I think in your late twenties you should fuck up and be fearless because you realistically can. There is no excuse why anyone in their twenties can’t live the way they want and pursue anything they want, we have the energy, the social circles and the potential. I’m not talking about money, money doesn’t matter at all, obviously pay your bills and get by but I see too many of us chasing this unrealistic lifestyle of fancy this and glorified that. I’d much rather be poor now and work towards what I want to do than make good money now at something ill probably hate in a couple years. Besides you can be poor and not look it, I still dress nice, smoke my more expensive brand of smokes, have the occasional (less nowadays) night out and pay my rent. I have amazing friends, a wonderful creative circle and the random date everyone now and then…ya know to hold off the urge of getting 2 cats and to start a knitting club.
Those lonelies comes and go still, it’s a natural feeling when you see couples out shopping and being all gross and adorable. I have a new thing I do where I sit in cafes and make fake stories for couples who are sitting together. Sometimes I do it for single people too, mainly for attractive aloof men that are more interested in their copy of Palahniuk’s new book then whatever the fuck I’m up to. I recently saw a couple sitting together where one was reading a play and the other was doing the crossword…I didn’t know whether to instagram their perfect hipster love or hope the ceiling would cave in on their ironic happiness. I do enjoy seeing people happy together, I’m not a creeper that stocks happy couples for my own humility and commentary, it hasn’t gotten that bad yet. Deep down I know I like being alone, I know I have a long road of figuring myself out and I’m glad I’m taking the time to do it, rather then getting into a relationship for all the wrong reasons. I have no reason to get into a relationship, other then being lonely sometimes and that’s a wrong reason to search for the magic one. That’s like deciding to eat ice cream with a dairy intolerance, you missed it but your ass and insides certainly didn’t.
Besides all that I have a great relationship that I’m in with my roommate, I don’t where my stuff starts and her stuff begins. I find myself wanting to stay in and hangout with her more so than I want to go out and meet people. She makes me dinner, we always go out as a pair and to be honest she’s the only one I want to have a date night with, well other then the other 4 nut bar women I call my best friends. We have fart attacks, heart attacks and laugh attacks on the daily, I’ve seriously never laughed so hard in my life over someone attempting to order take out after having one to many silly sticks. I tuck her in to bed when she’s drank too much and she gives me drinks when I’ve cried too much. I think having that kind of dynamic with someone can really help you figure out what’s important to you and what you won’t give up on, friendship doesn’t just come and go like most relationships do. Having someone to go through things with that truly gets it is priceless, fuck MasterCard cause having a best girlfriend trumps any cute commercial with a baby playing in a box.

I think that’s all from me today, I’m off to sew some more opportunities and get my apartment clean for my parents inevitable invasion tonight. It’ll be lots of cheap wine, pasta and playing find and hide the paraphernalia we have scattered around the house…I always forget we have leopard fuzzy handcuffs hanging in our bathroom.

Here’s some Tunes for ya

Dustin Tebbutt – The Breach
Radical Face – The Mute
Rhodes – Run
Hey Marseilles – Bright Star Burning
Boy and Bear – Old Town Blues

Photos above in Order:
My best friend Branko who has been staying at my place for the past couple weeks played Lees Palace on Friday with Brendan Canning of Broken Social Scene, you can check there new music video out here
My friend Meghan turning herself into captain twister, conquering of awkward parties and defender of overtly sexual games
Again…Meghan and Sarah got into my closet and had a floor jam session equipped with fruit ukulele and feather boa
And lastly me in a change room…I’m going to a wedding over the weekend and because I never get to dress up I decided to go a little fancy pants with a lace cocktail dress.

When Shit Hits the Fan, Grab an Umbrella

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So this month has been hard, really really hard. I’m feeling the struggle of making it on my own as a freelance wardrobe assistant. There have been more days lately that I’ve almost thrown in the towel and given up. It is like nothing I’ve ever gone through and to be honest I’ve had some pretty hard hills to climb in my little life.
It’s constantly trial and error, learning and fucking up over and over again. Its taken its toll on me emotionally, I have my doubts about whether or not I can actually make this work. Then again I’m doing good work, I know that this is the path so many artists have travelled on and very few get to say they made it. I want in every bone in my body to make it and that’s why I’m not giving up.
If one way doesn’t work then you go another way until it does. In the big picture things are not that bad, I have roof over my head until my landlord breaks my knee caps for being late again. I have a cucumber and thanksgiving leftovers in the fridge, I have my health, my friends and family, and I’m still doing the work I love regardless of it not being enough right now.
Last night during a ritual box o wine ladies night I realized that a lot of us are going through the same shit storm. I tend to self sabotage on a weekly basis, when things are great I feel like setting fire to something. We get so used to the struggle that we forget that we create it for ourselves. In our jobs, our relationships and how we treat ourselves are all creations of our thinking. For example we got on the subject of men last night as you do with a bunch of nut bar single ladies on cheap wine. My girlfriend started seeing a new man and it’s going great, too great to the point where she’s waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under her fry boots. I wheeled on her saying that’s the problem, she’s not giving herself enough credit. Isn’t the goal in life to be happy? To find someone who actually matches all your needs? I do the same thing and I’m sure many ladies do. We sift through the shit for so long we begin wondering why we can’t smell it anymore. It’s growing up, revamping the values and tolerances that were so different from when we were younger. We carry that baggage to every new encounter and don’t even realize the weight is killing us.
So what did I learn other then not to get up too fast after a smoke and break my ass on pavement last night? To be aware of the good things, embrace them and let go of the fear that your not worth it. You are and always have been and if your not happy you can always change, always walk away, and always start over.
I’m glad to be writing again and this blog post was a work in progress. I didn’t want to come back and rant about how life sucks and it’s hard because its not…I just thought it was and created it all by myself in my crazy head.
Next time you feel like the world is crashing down around you take a step back and really be aware of your thoughts. What you think is what you are, Buddha knew what he was talking about. I bet he didn’t count on being quoted by a basket case white girl though.

Thanks for reading my loves

Xoxo

-Casey Jane

Winos & Wanderers

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I wish I had a constant camera on me so at the end of every week I could sit down with a cheap Shiraz and watch myself create my life and live it. In a way that’s what this blog is, when I’m in my forties ill get to read over this and realize how insanely determined I was to live the life I wanted. It’s not easy, I know I talk about that a lot but I can’t stress enough the hard reality of becoming what you want to be. It’s lonely a lot of the time, I’m always working with new people which is amazing but I don’t have an office, I don’t have the same people I see everyday and I’m completely in my own head most of the time.
At the same time I love surrounding myself with people, mainly my friends because they are the ones that know me, they care about me and I want to spoil them all constantly! I daydream about being successful and being able to treat my friends, help them make their dreams, and creating even crazier adventures…not that we don’t all have those. This summer alone has been filled with photo shoots, pool hopping, scaling buildings to drink on roof tops, beach days, late night bike rides, and dancing with Kate to 90’s music alone in our apartment.
That part of my life is solid, my career is moving along at its own perfect pace whether I like it or not, and my personal life…well I’ve got some bugs to work out still. I feel like I’m constantly putting myself behind glass with men, I’ve changed a lot in the last year and it freaks me out knowing where my head is at these days. Commitment scares the shit out of me, the idea of creating anything other then art just gets my stomach in knots and I could be a little jaded…just a little. Now I’m not trying to say I’m a raging she hulk and every man should watch his step, I love the company of men and Im actually quite fond of the ones I’ve met. For me, right now I’m starting to see that it’s ok to have fun and want what you want. I’m being honest with myself and sometimes that comes at a price, I’m sure I’ve made a couple guys run away in the last little while but I know it was for the best…at least I think so. I could be completely wrong on this whole topic, I wouldn’t say I’m a scholar at being single, I’m more like a drunk freshman. Just an affectionate ball of goof, that’s typically what I am most of the time but on the days I pull back I’m a quiet little thinker. What I really like is being myself and watch which people stick around and which slip away, it’s a great thing because you end up landing in the company of really incredible people. I think that’s what I like best about being single, being fancy free little ol me and whoever wants to partake in it has to believe in who I am.
In my quest for my career I’m learning a lot about patience and knowing my place in it all. Assisting has taught me so many valuable things about the industry and becoming a professional wardrobe stylist. I learn so much from my Stylists and I’m forever grateful for their honesty and guidance, not to mention allowing me to make a living off what I love to do. I’ve learned to harness my focus in a sometimes chaotic environment, there is a lot of attention that’s needed to do a good job as an assistant. At the end of a shoot where I know I’ve done well I practically collapse once I get home into a giggling ball of insanity. It really takes a lot out of me but only when I’ve put my all into it and in the last month I’ve learned to focus and stay in the moment on shoots. Work is picking back up again and my bank account is pawning for the refill, it’s a struggle sometimes but I try not to let it get to me. I’m a very lucky lady and yea I sometimes eat toast for three days straight, I wash my underwear in my kitchen sink, and I use cinnamon as blush when I run out of makeup. But it’s all worth it, I have a beautiful apartment in the best neighbourhood, I’m living with my best friend and comedy partner and I’m learning how to become a wardrobe stylist! Ya, no complaints here.
The photos above are from I shoot I did with the lovely Jane & Jane and Erin Heather. Our beautiful Model Jocelyn had so much energy and really brought out the personality of the clothing. I pulled from designers Laura Siegel and Emily Woudenberg both who I admire a lot. When I was just starting out Laura and I had a phone conversation where she gave me some pretty amazing advice when I needed it the most. This shoot meant a lot to me because I never would have imagined being able to style with her clothing and yet just 8 months later here we are. It just goes to show how far you can go if you dream big, I had this quiet little thought in my head when I first spoke to Laura just wishing one day I could collaborate with her.
And then it happened.

I’m off to Bellwoods to meet Kate, keep dreaming k?

– Casey Jane

The Weaker-than

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If anyone ever tells you that your mid twenties will be a breeze should be slapped in the facecloth a bag of Rama noodles. It’s an incredible time to fail miserably and try and gather all the learning from said failure. The last week has been tough and I’ve had to be humbled by the reality that I’m still learning how to do my job, how to work and live as freelance, and I’m still learning how to, what’s that word?
…budget.
It’s been tough, exciting and relentlessly challenging the last month. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to throw in the towel and go back to waiting tables…which isn’t the worst thing but I can’t and I won’t. I’m someone who is really hard on themselves as far as maturity and what I expect from myself, I rarely give myself a pat on the back because its usually never enough.
I always go to my superiors for advice and the same thing is said to me,
“Case, its about persistence, patience, and passion.”
And that’s about it, you chose what you want to do in life, everyday you make choices that either move you forward or keep you in one spot. I could choose to walk away from this, attempt to get a desk job where I have my own cubical and the anticipation of a beer lunch on Fridays. I have every power to just say no this is silly and a waste of time, I’m not the best so why struggle?
I can’t…there’s a point where no matter how scary and hard the road ahead looks its far greater then the knowledge of giving up.
I read this article the other day that called my generation “The Peter Pan” generation (25-35 year olds) we are a bunch of lost boys and girls. We don’t want to commit to anything, we don’t want to become our parents, we don’t want to buy a house, and we certainly can’t even fathom the thought of children…that word makes my lady bits want to run and hide. It’s true, I see it in my friends, myself, I see it in past relationships and the way our culture is nowadays. We don’t want to give up our youthful freedom to become our over worked parents that are from of generation of high divorce rates and mortgages. We have all the possibilities in the world and we are told that daily, we can create our own jobs from the passions we carry.
Honestly…Never Never Land never looked so inviting.
Now there are a few of us that have joined the ranks. They have smartened up to reality and realized they’d rather do something that makes them money and you know…a future. They get to go to Ibiza once a year, have a nice car and a sweet pad in liberty village. Some of them buckled down in their early twenties and got the job they thought or actually wanted and to you I tip my cap!
I did not do any of the above, I was running around Toronto performing in comedy troupes and drinking away my paycheques thinking I was an artist…I was and still am, however now I’m 26 and I feel like my clocks ticker is getting louder. I bounced around too many times, I didn’t stick with something long enough for it to become anything more then a gig. I supported myself through it all and obviously did not give two shits about future Casey, she seemed lame and unimportant. Now I look back at past Casey and I wish I could hit her in her free spirited face.
I was trying to figure what to write about since I haven’t posted anything in two weeks, I wanted to talk about all the exciting things I’ve done. I wanted to talk about how much fun it is living with my best friend Kmo, how I have an insanely fun social life, and how I’m personally figuring out what it is I want for me right now. I have a group of girl friends that keep me alive (literally) and keep me laughing through all the tough times. I have a group of guy friends that keep my life exciting and fun, not to mention they are all complete sweethearts, I’ve never pool hopped so much in my life!
There are many many things I’m grateful for and sometimes I forget that life is amazing and things will get easier and harder at the same time…that’s life and we’ve just been spoiled with the thought that we can have it all. Maybe we can, maybe that’s why so many of us are struggling because we just want the exact life we painted in our minds. Hopefully 5 years from now I can look back at all this and laugh, call myself a whiney bitch and sit back knowing that it was all worth it.

So if any of you are feeling the pressures of a career that’s not traditional, a rent that is a monthly heart attack, and a life that seems like a constant struggle, be thankful for it. I am everyday and though I give myself mild anxiety and feel like a tragic beat poet I wouldn’t want any other life. Ill get by as does everyone else, ill learn to work harder and smarter, and ill get there eventually because Rome wasn’t built in day and neither is a career.

Persistence, Patience, and Passion.

Happy Wednesday Lost Boys and Girls

Xoxo
– Casey Jane