A Battlefield, A Hitch, And A Fear To Fart.

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I’m checking in before I check out to Europe in 2 weeks, it’s happening and I’m insanely excited. This trip signifies a lot for me, it’s an accomplishment. A spawn of all the other accomplishments I’ve had the last couple years. All the sacrifices, all the things I had to give up, the people I had to walk away from. It sounds a little dramatic but I feel like I’m standing at the end of a battlefield just as the dust begins to settle. I don’t know if I won, or if that actually happens in life; it’s not really a competition.

I do know that I am happy to not fight for a little bit.
Like…three weeks.
Then I’ll strap on my guns again.
But I need those fuckin three weeks like Lindsey Lohan needs periodical rehab visits.
A LOT!!!

Everything else in my life is extremely amazing, which is freaking me the fuck out. My friends are still disastrously perfect as was exhibited last weekend at our first Drunk Ladies and Gentlemen BBQ. The boyfriend and I were on a mission to kill our sobriety after a week of freelance life on both our ends. There we all were, all the hitched ladies and the men we’ve seduced for various lengths of time. Let’s face it, we’re not normal, which was eloquently shown through Sarah’s opinion of The BF’s football choice. She dead stared him while burping and then blew said burp in his general direction…

This woman is teaching our children for the future.
And this happened at the dinner table.
Where food was.

I’m settling into this new shift in life, I’m really open to everything and content with the choices I’m making. The cool thing is that I’m not hiding anything from anyone. I am who I am, I have bad parts and I have beautiful parts. I’ll constantly make myself better but I’m not about to change anything I don’t want to. When you go into things bare boned you learn quickly if it’s right for you or not. That took me an exceptionally long ass time to learn and I still have to check in with myself.

Now this being said I’m still terrified to do a few things and I’ve made a list of new fears that haunt my daily existence.

1) Farting for the first time in front of my man.
2) my life is too good and I’m going to fuck it up.
3) Spiders crawling into my nostrils…I read something I shouldn’t have.
4) The designer I work for ( Mark Foreman) is going to clone me and then I’m going to get back from Europe and have to kill the clone.
5) Getting a new roommate after Kate…what if they don’t get my weirdness?
6) I’m still not working hard enough.

The trick is knowing what you’re afraid of, really asking yourself “hey pal do you like spiders? And then promptly shivering and saying a big NOPE to that shit.

My work is a mash up between my two favourite things:
Styling for Harlequin Romance Novels
Assisting a Canadian Designer and operating a workshop/boutique

It’s all groovy on my end, however I would like to make a plan of action to rise above the poverty level, but hey that takes time too. I’ve got my two dream jobs and happily have not stepped back into the realm of many many part time positions.
THATS something to be thankful for.
I think back to just a couple months ago still feeling the struggle. I remember when it broke, the struggle stopped and I was left at the edge of that dwindling battlefield.

And this is the part where I tell you to keep fighting until you feel that silence . It’s bittersweet, it’s the ending of an era for you. Yes, you’ll have many more battles to fight but when you win the career building war. When you brake into that new world the game changes and it’s the best fucking feeling you could ever imagine.

Thanks for reading loves,

Xox

Tunes
Vance Joy – Emmylou
Vance Joy – Mess is Mine
Vance Joy – My Kind of Man

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Optimism Served Neat in a Bowler Hat

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Yet again its been about 2 weeks…maybe more since I last wrote a post and yet again I find myself wheeling out from a few life changes. That’s how it goes at this stage, one small change makes a rippling effect that takes you from one place to another. I’m accepting it and taking the blows with more ease than I used to, it’s all meant to happen and when it’s the right thing, oh how fast you’ll move into that direction. I’m sure learning how to let go, sometimes I think I don’t put in more of a fight when maybe I should. I’ve seen myself give up on people really quickly in the last year and maybe some weren’t worth it but I always wonder if maybe I needed to fight harder with others. I just gathered that when someone doesn’t bring the same level of effort to the table than why bother continuing to set a place for two? You’ll always end up eating alone most of the time. This isn’t just with my pathetic love life, this also has to do with business and my work, its exhausting giving so much to something only to have it leave you in the end. However the failure is when you let it stop you, you dwell and drag it out in your mind when realistically you should dust yourself off and start up again. My dad always taught me that, the amount of times that man failed and rebuilt is incredible and now he’s happily retired living 6 months of the year on a boat in the Caribbean. He never gave up and he learned from a lot of his mistakes, the thing that really makes me admire my dad is that he was never afraid to admit he failed, ever. He owned up to his choices and just went back at it because he had a dream of retiring and spending his days on the water. He did it for himself and he also did it so that my brother and I could understand that success is not given its earned.
I’m a crazy work horse, I literally will work myself into the ground when I have a deadline or just need to get myself to a next level in my career. I can feel it coming on, its this urgency that makes butterflies in my stomach and I become tunneled with whatever it may be. This morning after a night of cold sweats and tosses I woke up feeling like a kettle that was about to start whistling. I spent the whole streetcar ride mapping out my photo shoot for sailor parc vests, I then switched to different design ideas, the shop, and by the time I got to work my brain was on over drive. I feel like a crazy person sometimes because I literally am not on the planet when Im thinking about sailor parc and what I dream it will be. All day long I’m looking at products I want to sell in the shop, the way the space will look, envisioning my day to day, even down to the way the bell sounds when someone comes in. I’m planning every detail in order to write a solid business proposal to receive grants. From what I’ve been taught, the more you believe in something the better the chances are that it will become real. I just want to be the maker and creator of my own life in all forms, I’ve been hardwired to live my life the way I want and so to give up now would only land me in a nut house when I’m older. I don’t think I’m capable of giving up on this, which is nice but also in my head “fuck” plays out a lot because I know I really don’t have a choice in the matter. I’ve chosen a tough way to make a living with a payout that could potentially be incredible or incredibly faulty…and I thought I wasn’t a gambling gal.
In other news my apartment is becoming more of an adult space lately then a funny farm of 90’s music, booze and wild women..although its still a once a week occurrence that I’ve come to terms with. Branko, our month house guest has had a front row seat into the female living habits and I think we either disgust, amaze and confuse him on a daily basis. The amount of hair spray, underwear and wine the guy comes home to would make any male wonder what freaky hell/heaven he walked in on. Kmo and I are a rare breed of women who look like sweet normal ladies, spend one night in our company and you quickly see that veil drop in an instance. We are like a jack in the box that has pretty floral wrapping only to discover once popped a crazy haired, loud mouthed female asking you if you want your whiskey on ice or neat.
Love life…I don’t know, but actually I have realized that I don’t know what I’m doing when it comes to making a date turn into another one, however that classic fuckin line “He’s just not that into you” echo’s in my head constantly. We always try and make an excuse for someone just not that interested, as women especially. Maybe I have a warning sign blinking in man language above my head saying “FUCKING RUN BRO” or like one of my pals suggested that maybe because I’m such a loser at being single it just may take the right guy to stick around. I just don’t understand the games, and maybe the fact that there are games is a sign that it wasn’t worth it in the beginning. For me, where I’m at right now, if I like you I’m going to tell you regardless of the rejection and the EPIC amount of patience it takes to not “come on too strong”. I’m naturally an impulsive person so when it comes to feelings I just know them and I act on them and that can be a bad thing to balance in a dating scene filled with endless communication outlets and the growing realization that our generation really has forgotten how to date…makes me miss the home phone and makes me think maybe I’m the only one that’s lost on this one. Then again another line comes to mind “You want what you can’t have” and maybe that’s the enticing part that I keep chasing because there have been a few occasions in the past where I have had a chance to make something with someone and ran for the hills.
Im gonna continue just being the lovely mess that I am and stop trying to figure out my relationship status…it’ll happen when its supposed to which might be years…
I’m going to be making a lot of vests…

Thats all from me today Loves,

Also the pictures above are indeed my vests, these are the first series and I’m currently working away at 6 more styles all in bespoke fabric. I decided starting out I would make one of a kind until I can get enough fabric stock to start offering different materials. Custom will still be available and ill provide fabric splotches.
Ugh….I have a lot of work to do my loves…and is it strange that I’m happy about it?

Here’s some tunes

The Neighbourhod – Sweater Weather

Disclosure – Help Me Loose My Mind
Gerard and the Watchmen – Stables
The Damnwells – I Will Keep The Bad Things From You
Joshua James – Pretty Wilted Daisies

Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda Dance

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Right now I’m sitting in my empty apartment, in my bed writing for the first time in two weeks…life’s been a bit unbalanced lately and I’m making a valiant effort to change this. The last two weeks I’ve been working everyday on either my styling career, my sewing, or my not so part time job dressing women in local designers. I’ve had to step it up to make up for a slow two months however like my life seems to go, it didn’t just rain, it poured. I got hired to style a Down With Webster music video that had me in the back of a cube van in minus 8 degrees weather. Luckily I had an amazing crew and everyone eventually got to seek refuge in a church where we set up base for the rest of the shooting. It felt so good to be back on set and shortly after that I assisted another four harlequin novel shoots the following week. There were some mornings where I had to double check which job I was going to that day and some had three jobs in a 14 hour run…I drank far too much red wine and smoked too many cigarettes at midnight than I want to admit during those weeks.
On my down time I sit at home and sew wondering where my social life went, I have become a workaholic with the constant feeling I’m not going very far. I feel like I’m stretching myself too thin and even though I’m busy I’m not actually feeling myself moving forward in the direction that I want. The funny thing is that I know I’m changing a lot lately internally, I’m starting to actually stand by the things I believe in, I’m acting on the feelings I feel and I’m walking away from things that don’t make me feel good. I still feel a little like I’m testing out a new hardware inside my head and I surprise myself with my new thinking pattern. I really like having my alone time, I think I really need that time to check in with myself, to make sure I’m doing what I want to do and being who I want to be. I really depend on myself these days and its an amazing thing, I don’t crave someone to look after me and I don’t expect it. It sounds cheesy but if I got into a relationship any time soon all I would want would be to be wanted and not needed. That’s realistically what I’ve been looking for, someone who really just wants a companion in their life not someone to look after. I’ve learned from my past that in order to find the right person and be ready for them you have to know yourself and be happy with being who you are. Having ambition I think really helps with moving a relationship forward, another thing I learned is that if you don’t move forward in your own life that connection with someone won’t move either. You have to be honest, you have to be willing to put yourself out there and risk that terrifying thought of it not working out because it just might work, life’s funny like that. Everyone is scared, everyone has a little baggage but being able to let that go and really get to know a person is a pretty lovely thing. It’s something I spent months avoiding and it only left me feeling empty and more lonely. I always thought telling someone how you felt even if it was just a little hint of something was best expressed in subtle mind games and flirtatious encounters when realistically it’s easier just to tell them, ya know that whole truth thing. It’s easier just to say it and I know some of you are swallowing hard at the thought of this but coming from experience its not that bad. Sure I felt sick to my stomach for a short time, I smoked three cigarettes in a row before hand, I felt like the biggest dork on the face of the planet…but I was a honest dork and I’m fine with that. Things move so fast in life that sometimes you miss your chance, it turns into a regret and you’re stuck with this little piece of you that asks “what if”?
These are just a few things that have been on my mind lately. I’ve been going over things that I want in my life for 2014 and its really making me shift my actions and where I want to put my time and effort. Maybe even who I want to be with, I mean I can’t really choose, nobody can and that’s the magic of two people coming together. It’s that effortless dance that you do with someone that doesn’t seemed pushed, doesn’t seem overwhelming, just a lovely natural comfort in each others company. That to me is worth the work I do on myself, to comfortably be able to allow that dance to happen and I think I’m starting to warm up to the idea. But again I’m a hopeless romantic and ill keep spending my days building my own castle until time thinks I’m ready to have a guest over. The nice thing is that lately I’ve been feeling more open than I have in years, I’m feeling like taking more chances with the way I feel and not pushing them down and calling them silly. I’m already a pretty silly woman, I can never seem to control what comes out of my mouth sometimes, I’m very impulsive however I have this idea that those impulsive actions lead to good things…most of the time. I’m not second guessing myself anymore and I know if I feel something it either needs to be said or expressed regardless of the outcome because at least then I know I was a complete moron or I was hitting the nail on the head.
Things at the apartment have been as crazy as they’ve ever been with lots of lady night wine shit shows, a collective of Kate moments which include finding her passed out in her coat at a bar, her spilling wine on my bed more times then I bothered to count and many “surprise” farts which I still think are strategically planned. We have our dearest pal Branko staying with us again which has been awesome since he’s been on the road for the past month with his band Dinosaur Bones and Brendan Canning. I don’t how he goes from living on the road that long to having to come back to “real” life and get back to all the other things he does around town. He’s such a positive friend to have around and I think this time in our lives everybody needs a little help from their friends. I love that I will look back on this time and smile knowing I had the most creative, hilarious, loving friends around me that helped me gain the energy I needed to do what I love and make my life meaningful. That’s really what we are all searching for, something meaningful, maybe go as far as everything meaningful. Have that home that makes you want to go home to, have those friends that make you want to always call on, have that companion you never get tired of loving more, and have that career you built for yourself out of passion and purpose. That’s life for me, that’s the dream and I am closer to it than I ever have been. I might have a ways to go but I can see it unfolding even in the craziness of making mistakes it’s all adding up to a very amazing sum.
I don’t know about any of you but I’m so excited for 2014, it’s the launch pad year for all of us that have gone through so much change in the last couple years. I can finally close the door on a lot of things and use the skills, contacts, and experience I worked so hard to get to make my life exactly the way I want it. It’s all possible, and yes in about 5 days ill come back on here and write about how fucking hard this all is and that I’m spending the next week on my couch eating pad Thai and proclaiming I’m going to be single forever. Lets not forget that I am a woman and therefore insane and furthermore a constant roller coaster of accomplishments and onset heart palpitations in social situations and domestic responsibilities. No more should have done thats, fuck off to could haves and would do’s, it’s all pointless phrases that only hold us back from being who we want to be. This year I want to be even more fearless, I want to be smarter with my time and build on things that really matter, kick the other shit to the curb. It’s time to become a semi adult making creatively responsible decisions and I say semi adult because let’s get real I still play dress up at least once a week and I smoke pot in order to clean my house…the whole adult thing is still pending.

Well Ill leave you with this quote my mentor said to me about a year ago…

Do the things you always dreamed you could do because everything in this life started as just a dream.

Happy Friday Lovelies

– Casey Jane

Tunes

The Damnwells – I will keep the bad things from you
Andrew Bird – Three White Horses
Foals – Stepson
Tim Noyes – Saturday
Wake Owl – Wild Country

Cafe Dialogues and Waffle Fires

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So I lied…I took another week retreat from writing again, I think the last post made me want to dig deeper and figure out where the hell I’m at in my head these days. I don’t think I’ve made much progress other then a clear realization that I’m emotionally unavailable and addicted to drinking coffee and writing about how emotionally unavailable I am…does that sound conceded? I’m just seriously curious to this huge shift in myself, for those that really know me would ask the same thing. I’m usually a heart sleeve wearing, open door swaying, relationship overdosing kinda gal. Nowadays I’m a on the surface, at a distance, relationship dodging loose canon who can’t seem to get her words straight.
However in my work, well I’m on fucking fire, and actually almost literally as I learned my roommate this morning almost burnt down our apartment due to a over toasted ego waffle…she’s seriously going to kill me one of these days. I currently have 4 jobs including my freelancing which right now is collecting dust but it’s fine because with all the bouncing around I’ve been doing I’m kinda thankful for the break. I’m putting together a look book shoot with Handsome&Lace and my two favourite photographers Jane & Jane . I’m so excited about this shoot for many reasons. The main one being I get to help Keira create a press book that will really speak to our customers and show off the vibe we want to give out as a label/business. Not to mention I get to style 6 gentlemen and work with four of my favourite creative people in my life right now. I’m starting to really believe that I’ve found my purpose and that I’m really building an amazing career for myself, I remember when I thought styling was it but now I’m starting to see that was just the tip of the iceberg.
I’m starting to see what exactly I want for the next couple years as far as my own path goes. Im drawing pictures constantly in my head of my day to day life. Day dreaming I think is the main thing that keeps me moving forward, knowing that I’ve started to make my dreams come true already. It sounds really dorky, like almost goon worthy I know but I’m telling you if you think hard enough about something you truly want, you take the time to dream about it, write about it, do things that reference it, it’ll happen one way or another. It’s one of the reasons I don’t give up and why I take so many risks in figuring my life out and it’s certainly is the reason I am where I am right now. I’m young and I don’t see the point in playing safe at this stage, I think in your late twenties you should fuck up and be fearless because you realistically can. There is no excuse why anyone in their twenties can’t live the way they want and pursue anything they want, we have the energy, the social circles and the potential. I’m not talking about money, money doesn’t matter at all, obviously pay your bills and get by but I see too many of us chasing this unrealistic lifestyle of fancy this and glorified that. I’d much rather be poor now and work towards what I want to do than make good money now at something ill probably hate in a couple years. Besides you can be poor and not look it, I still dress nice, smoke my more expensive brand of smokes, have the occasional (less nowadays) night out and pay my rent. I have amazing friends, a wonderful creative circle and the random date everyone now and then…ya know to hold off the urge of getting 2 cats and to start a knitting club.
Those lonelies comes and go still, it’s a natural feeling when you see couples out shopping and being all gross and adorable. I have a new thing I do where I sit in cafes and make fake stories for couples who are sitting together. Sometimes I do it for single people too, mainly for attractive aloof men that are more interested in their copy of Palahniuk’s new book then whatever the fuck I’m up to. I recently saw a couple sitting together where one was reading a play and the other was doing the crossword…I didn’t know whether to instagram their perfect hipster love or hope the ceiling would cave in on their ironic happiness. I do enjoy seeing people happy together, I’m not a creeper that stocks happy couples for my own humility and commentary, it hasn’t gotten that bad yet. Deep down I know I like being alone, I know I have a long road of figuring myself out and I’m glad I’m taking the time to do it, rather then getting into a relationship for all the wrong reasons. I have no reason to get into a relationship, other then being lonely sometimes and that’s a wrong reason to search for the magic one. That’s like deciding to eat ice cream with a dairy intolerance, you missed it but your ass and insides certainly didn’t.
Besides all that I have a great relationship that I’m in with my roommate, I don’t where my stuff starts and her stuff begins. I find myself wanting to stay in and hangout with her more so than I want to go out and meet people. She makes me dinner, we always go out as a pair and to be honest she’s the only one I want to have a date night with, well other then the other 4 nut bar women I call my best friends. We have fart attacks, heart attacks and laugh attacks on the daily, I’ve seriously never laughed so hard in my life over someone attempting to order take out after having one to many silly sticks. I tuck her in to bed when she’s drank too much and she gives me drinks when I’ve cried too much. I think having that kind of dynamic with someone can really help you figure out what’s important to you and what you won’t give up on, friendship doesn’t just come and go like most relationships do. Having someone to go through things with that truly gets it is priceless, fuck MasterCard cause having a best girlfriend trumps any cute commercial with a baby playing in a box.

I think that’s all from me today, I’m off to sew some more opportunities and get my apartment clean for my parents inevitable invasion tonight. It’ll be lots of cheap wine, pasta and playing find and hide the paraphernalia we have scattered around the house…I always forget we have leopard fuzzy handcuffs hanging in our bathroom.

Here’s some Tunes for ya

Dustin Tebbutt – The Breach
Radical Face – The Mute
Rhodes – Run
Hey Marseilles – Bright Star Burning
Boy and Bear – Old Town Blues

Photos above in Order:
My best friend Branko who has been staying at my place for the past couple weeks played Lees Palace on Friday with Brendan Canning of Broken Social Scene, you can check there new music video out here
My friend Meghan turning herself into captain twister, conquering of awkward parties and defender of overtly sexual games
Again…Meghan and Sarah got into my closet and had a floor jam session equipped with fruit ukulele and feather boa
And lastly me in a change room…I’m going to a wedding over the weekend and because I never get to dress up I decided to go a little fancy pants with a lace cocktail dress.

Handsome & Lace

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Another week and my heads spinning with ideas, thoughts and feelings. You know that feeling when you listen to a new band and it automatically brings out the exact tempo of your current situation? That’s been this week and last for me, a constant soundtrack that plays out with the beat of my feet on queen wests pavement.
Kmo and I are incredibly smitten in our new home, a dream that’s been waiting to unfold for ten years and I don’t think either one of us has realized the ladder we’re climbing. Comedy songs are literally flying out our asses, we’re writing a book, we have a new member of our band John La Mangna who’s been incredible, and honestly I’m having the time of my life. The other night as I was reenacting a scene from dirty dancing I thought maybe I’m having too much fun. Is life supposed to be this fun? Can it be this simple? Why do I question life when it gets good, maybe cause I always feel like the rug is going to be pulled out from under me.
Work has been a little odd, things are happening at their own perfect pace and it’s freaking me out. I’m actually doing everything I want to and it’s fucking terrifying because I want to do more, I want to do much more and I know I will. The last ten years have been leading up to this, I’ve been patiently keeping my head down and now it’s like I’ve been pushed on stage for everyone to see the play I’ve been meaning to perform.
Can’t stop, won’t stop!
There are a few things I need to settle down with, Im aware of control and I’m aware of the work ethic that this career path takes. I always rise to the occasion and so until that chance comes ill be waiting patiently creating mood boards in my room, writing, dancing, laughing, hanging out with great friends and being thankful I get to be a creative person. I just want to always make sure my friends and family know how much I adore them, they really have made this journey easier, not to mention the epic amount of support I get. I always want to be a positive person in people’s lives, I never want to take anything from them, I never want to make things difficult for anyone and I constantly want to show my love and affection for those who have stayed with me and those who are new additions. It’s a new thing for me to be able to do this, I was always a very affectionate person but not like this, now I’m open to giving and receiving and I think we all need that.
Speaking of amazing people I start a new assistant sewing job this week for a Toronto based designer Keira Morgan and her label Handsome&Lace. Gentlemen if your in the need for some beautiful handmade accessories I strongly suggest taking a look at what this amazing lady can do, I’m to the moon excited to work along side her. We’ve actually met about 6 years ago on a radio show I used to do weekly, funny enough we know a lot of the same people in the comedy world. I know what your thinking, she’s talented and funny? Where do I find these amazing people? Regardless keep it coming universe ill gladly stay open to this new field of people that flow into my life, gladly.

Happy Tuesday My Loves, and thank you for reading this little blog of mine 🙂 you’re really rad, I hope you know that!

Here are some tunes that literally set the mood for my life right now, enjoy!

The 1975 – She Way Out
The 1975 – Settle Down
Boy & Bear – Southern Sun
The Rolling Stones – Miss you
Otis Redding – These arms of mine
The 1975 – Chocolate

Getting off the guilt train

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I’ve been stressing hard about my career lately, it’s not a bad thing but when you make your own path it can be REALLY hard to gage whether you’re doing all you can or not. Is it ok to let things unfold and not have a heart attack over your empty email box? I have a habit of thinking being under stress is a sign your working hard…is it? I’m only still an assistant and that’s amazing but sometimes I guilt myself into thinking I’m not good enough, especially when I screw up on something that now seems so obvious. But that’s just it, when you start out on something your not going to be the best, you have this drive to keep humble because you’re going to fail..a lot.
Then you get those times where you amaze yourself, you do an amazing job and everyone is happy and you fall down at home in a half crazed laugh. I’ve had these times happen quite close to each other and my one mistake was I didn’t hold on to the momentum of the accomplishment, lost focus and decided I knew what I was doing..
HA!
Big idiot for the win!
I was promptly put in my place by life, if it was a real life scenario I’d have my head in a toilet being held down by 8th grade behemoth I called wide load. It’s humbling, really really humbling and you know I’m happy it happened and I had the awareness to smarten up. This is an amazing career path filled with amazingly inspiring people who have had the heart to teach me, and yea I’m a rookie and so I should know that.
I’m ready again to hit the ground running, knowing a whole lot more, but all this takes time. In the mean time I’ve been updating my portfolio, setting up creatives, reading, and writing. Kate and I are happy happy in our new apartment, to be honest we’ve been having too much fun.
The last week we’ve been writing new material for an upcoming project for our comedy duo Cashmo, it feels soo good to get back to comedy. We went through all our old note books and found some insanely good stuff…we are going to hell but hey at least we get to make people laugh.
Here are some moments that happened this past week:
On Friday Kate came home from The Drake Hotel after consuming two bottles of red wine at dinner with a friend of hers, she then joined me in a bottle before we were supposed to go dancing. My dear friends DJ a dance night at Supermarket in Kensington and so I watched as Kate tried to put heels on and drink wine at the same time. I laughed and said they wouldn’t let her into the bar if she couldn’t walk, she then b lined it to her bed and yelled “I JUST NEED WATER” and then starfished halfway onto her bed with her feet sticking out. I went out and danced the night away with friends and returned home riding on the back of a boys bike. When I entered our apartment I found dear Kmo in the exact same position I left her in…I checked for breathing and got one heel off before starfishing in my own bed.
Yesterday we went to Bellwood’s park and wrote a new song called “Date Night” which is all about being incredibly awkward on a date but thinking you’re owning it…story of my life. We sipped beers and thought of the worst possible things either we’ve done or are bound to happen. After that we met some friends before heading down to my dads boat for happy hour. I started to feel anxious, guilty that this is how I spend my week. Kmo had a good point though, why not? Why can’t it be this good? Why can’t we put our efforts and talents into what we WANT to do…she’s right. I’m so used to the struggle that it’s strange to me when life is giving me what I need. So after that we walked up Bathurst to our humble neighbourhood and ended the night making epic grilled cheese.

Life’s funny guys, just keep doing what you love to do and make a living out of it. I hear that a lot from successful people, they have failed, they have struggled but they never gave up. They worked hard at whatever they loved to do and didn’t take it for granted, I think that’s success…maybe.

And now I’m off to meet Kmo to create some opportunities and make jokes about poo…

Happy Wednesday Lovelies

Tunes
Lo-Fang – #88
Grouplove – Ways to Go
1975 – She Way Out
Marcus Foster – Love in the Way

Happily Terrified

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Last week felt like a month, you know those weeks that have a million things coming at you day after day…well that was my week. I’m not saying it was a bad week, it actually was an amazing one but it was insanely challenging and emotionally exhausting. Since I’ve been back from my road trip life’s had me on a high speed treadmill. I styled a short film, worked at a vintage shop for cash, shot a creative with a new photographer and make up artist, hung out with a dear new friend, and ended the week learning about vinyl, writing, and opening up honestly to people.
Today I am one tired lady and my to do list is sweeping my feet out from under me, I had to write last night for 3 hours before I started to feel my brain slow down. I let go a lot last week, evidently I gained a lot from it. Letting go is one of the hardest things I’ve learned this year but it has been the defining reason I move forward in my life, for myself. I feel like in your twenties you really get to define who you are and what it is you want in life, if your open and aware to life’s lessons.
It blows my mind how aware of myself I am then I was even 8 months ago. Life moves fast and it’s too short to bother with carrying your past with you, except it, love it, and move on so that you have room to experience more.
Somedays I really do feel like a kid that just figured out how to get the cookies off the kitchen counter.
I started writing out all the things I want to accomplish in my little life, I want to make my life bigger then I ever could imagine. If your ever feeling like your future in a big blank I strongly suggest sitting down and writing out all the things you WANT to do, things that only you have dreamed about, things that seem impossible and completely ridiculous, write them all down.
These are some things I wrote out last night.
I want to travel to places I never thought I’d see
I want to have Sailor Parc Co. Mounted on the front of a building
I want to run a Styling firm that is known internationally
I want to be published in Vogue
I want to be able to support my mother and give her a happy free life
I want to own a loft in California
I want to do Styling and Buying for a television series
I want to do wardrobe for feature films
I want to work with the top creatives in my industry
I want to own a car in 2 years
I want to love again
I want to live my life with ease and honesty
I want to have great credit
I want to be successful from doing what I love to do
I want to have 100,000 dollars in my bank account in 2 years
I want to learn how to play the piano
I want to speak French fluently in 4 years
I want to have an apartment in Utrecht, Holland
I want to work in Paris
I want to be a stylist on a band tour
I want to live my life for myself

It felt amazing writing these out, and it was extremely terrifying coming to the decision to post them on this blog. I was talking about this yesterday how I sometimes don’t know if I’m sharing too much on this blog or if it’s all just for a reason bigger then myself. I want this blog to show people that everyone gets scared, fucks up, gets lost, and dreams. I’ve learned that no one else can direct your life, no one else can know you as well as you know yourself, so listen to that inner voice, because guess what…
It’s you, it’s the true you trying to tell you what you really want in life, you just have to listen.

I’m off to take care of a million loads of laundry as I’m
A) not wearing any underwear
B) I’ve been sleeping under a thin sheet because my friend Kate decided to pass out with full face paint at the festival…looks like a clown had sex on my duvet.
C) my white knock off keds are a nuclear hazard, I had to wash my feet on a date in his bathtub…

Happy Tuesday Lovelies

Here are some tunes that make me happy

Ben Howard – Only Love
Gregory Alan Isakov – Salt and the Sea
Adele – I can’t make you love me (Bonnie Ray Cover)
The Oh Hellos – Hello my Heart
John Mayer – Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

Self Management: The Art of Kicking Your Own Ass

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Every now and then life starts giving you little hints, or big ones that a little self management is in order. You can either ignore it and wait for the shit storm to happen, or you can be aware of the hints and take a step back to reorganizing your life’s constant to-do list. I’ve gotten a lot better at being aware of these “hints” because for me they happen pretty quickly when I’m slacking a bit. I know the consequences of ignorance, I’ve learned the hard way a bunch of times and now that I don’t have a “normal” day job its even more crucial that I continue to motivate myself…even if its raining, I have cramps that feel like a loose wombat is in my uterus, it’s 25 degrees and all my friends are off to the island, and the list goes on.
There will always be something else you could be doing, but letting that ” Im missing out” feeling take hold is not the right answer. I mean if you have a day off, which everyone should, then yea go balls to the wall with excitement and adventure. I’m talking about the days where you know you have to do a lot, it’s racing in your mind, but tomorrow you could get it done right?
Your shooting yourself in the foot.
Being alive is work, I know that sounds hilarious but think of it this way, you can either exist in everyday just filling up the hours with distractions until the weekend where you fill it with more distractions. You can spend hours on Facebook, party every night, hangout with friends, smoke cigarettes, stare at the wall, and watch hours of Netflix.
OR
You can make a list of all the things that you want to do for yourself, things that will move your life forward, things that create the feeling of living. Read something that makes your think, learn a skill that you never knew before, look into that job you never thought you could have, exercise, and go explore places you never make time to explore.
Now as far as work goes because I never have the same day as the next I usually make a “Casey’s Work List” where I write out all the must do’s for the day. A lot of stuff in my work is time sensitive so I make sure that I put the most important stuff at the top or at the beginning of the week. Once I have all my work scheduled I then fill in the gaps of time for me stuff. There are some days where I don’t get the list done, there are some days where I do something completely different but I have that list that follows me and gets me back on track.
Last week was scattered, I let my social life take over a bit, it’s okay but you begin to realize that if your always available to hangout then your the one who isn’t doing anything for themselves. I did have a shoot and did a lot of shopping for the commercial I’m working on however the nights were filled with drinking wine and going out. Sunday morning I crashed and realized how cluttered my brain was with guilt, negativity, and anger towards myself. That was my hint and Im a much happier person when Im focused and sober, my creativity is more organized and the drive to kick ass comes back.

Give yourself a break but listen to your actions, they are yours and only yours to live with. Let go of things that hold you back and work hard at making your life awesome, cause who doesn’t love being awesome?
I recently watched this documentary on an artist named Wayne White called Beauty is Embarrassing. In it he explains that you’ve only got about 60 good years on this planet, that’s it, so fuck it, why wouldn’t you do what you love? And let me say that doing what you love can be taken a bunch of different ways, but to be successful at living you have to put passion into it, it has to create that ideal life you’ve always wanted. That’s the key is make the life you’ve always wanted because darlin you don’t have that much time on this Earth.

Alright that’s enough ranting and self justification for me, I think sometimes I write these posts for myself to read more then others…

Happy Monday Lovelies

– Casey Jane

Currently

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Currently this week has been over far too soon, I’ve been running around all week getting together clothing for a shoot I have with Jane & Jane photography. I’m also working on three more creative shoots and one big ad campaign with my amazing boss Marie Eve Tremblay
I’m also condo and dog sitting for dear Kmo (Kate, my hilarious best friend and comedy partner in crime) so that’s been like staying in a hotel for the week.
I went out on Monday night with my best man in the whole world Branko, we’ve been causing trouble together for 10 years now. We went to the piston to hear some music and I drank far too many red wines, however it did keep Branko entertained by constantly plotting skittles in the bottoms of my glass all night….I can’t eat skittles ever again.
I love where I am at right now with my career, it’s starting to unfold and I’m working so hard to keep myself in the moment while constantly staying ahead of my schedule. It’s a lonely road being freelance but I wouldn’t have it any other way right now, I really do cherish my alone time these days.

Oh and one more thing, Cashmo (my comedy duo) has released a live performance video recording of our latest show, you can watch all three songs here.

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The Rob Ford Song
Not Your Poo
Mable Geraldine

Let me know what you think, oh and also all you Torontonians…I know today has been filled with Rob Ford doing crack, an earthquake (which I did not feel) and its the Friday before the long weekend. Lets all just take a moment and be thankful we live in such exciting times…right?

Happy Friday Lovelies, dance your little pants off tonight!

– Casey Jane

Passion Pays

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Being passionate about your life takes time, it takes dedication and a motivation to pick yourself up and say I am going to make this happen. The past year I have been working so hard to make my goals and dreams a reality, I set out wanting more from myself. I remember going to shoots lugging my 100 pound suitcase up staircases and across snowy streets. So many times I drained my bank account to buy clothes for a shoot or a project because I wanted my work to look the best. I sacrificed a lot and lost a lot along the way but I knew deep down that this was the passion struggle that any artist goes through.
I failed a lot, sometimes things wouldn’t work out and I’d have to go back to the drawing board and figure out what I did wrong. Failing is a very humbling thing and I think more people need to embrace it in their work because it just leads you to more opportunities.
I have had A LOT of help and support as well, so many people offered their advice and guidance to me and all I had to do was ask. Even when I didn’t ask people would offer me styling opportunities because they saw that I was passionate and hungry to learn. I’ve worked for free, I’ve worked for exposure, for experience, and above all because I LOVE STYLING.

I want to thank everyone that has helped me reach this point and I’m sorry I’m being a little vague but this is all in the works at the moment and it’s all very fresh. I need to take a step back this week and capture all the learning and plan for the future. Above pictures are from a beauty shoot I did a couple weeks back with my dearest photographer friend Patrick Lacsina and the talented Diana Mejia for hair and makeup. Also a very special lady Kirsten White who has helped me beyond words, you are such a special person and I would do anything for you! One more amazing gal is Marie Eve Tremblay she is a Toronto based Stylist and someone I will be learning a lot from.

Happy Wednesday Lovelies

– Casey Jane