It’s week 3 of sweet 9 to 5 freedom. I’m currently drinking the rest of a magnum (left-over might I add…don’t judge me) and listening to the new Adele album.
That goddamn emotional rollercoaster siren.
I think she honestly gets off making women cry to her songs over old shit we thought we drank away.
Oh, I’m also at my parents place house sitting. I’m pretty sure the dutch lesbian couple renting the upstairs apartment think I’m having some sort of meltdown.
I’m not gonna lie, I’ve been incredibly inpatient over the last little while. I can remember so vividly the last time I went freelance and barely made it out financially and mentally. I don’t want that to repeat again, I’m doing everything in my power to use the time I have to set myself up to win and not fail this time.
I love what I do and I hate it exhausting me.
It consumes most of my time, even my glorious “wine times” are spent wheeling next moves and plans through my mind.
Sidebar: if someone were to burst into the living room right now they would find a half tipsy 28 year-old with a full, and I mean to the TOP, full glass of wine, spastic typing while swaying in my seat, to Adele’s “Water Under the Bridge.”
Again, Adele you soul melting harpy…
GET OUT OF MY SUPPRESSED EMOTIONS!!!
But seriously never change, wine sales will plummet without your albums. Millions of women wont text their ex after years scaring and confusing the shit out of them.
We need you Adele and we love you.
Anyway; you ever think you are racing against people that don’t exist? What I mean by this, is that moment when you go on Instagram and see some “Inspiring” “Lifestyle” fucking post and go into a spiral of self loathing.
Ya, you do, cause we ALL do nowadays.
Don’t lie. That picture of the dinner table setting on your feed, in wine country, with hot ‘boho’ bakers and their bearded husbands. Made you want to jump off a bridge didn’t it? Ya…right?
Those Gwyneth Paltrow type photos that make you look around at your life and not want to take a photo for a thousand years. Those photos that scream “I’m doing better than you and I’m barely 19.” Those are the photo’s that make you do juice cleanses until you shit your yoga pants. Those are the photo’s that make you do a #sobernovember like it’s confession and all those newsstands you threw up on, have all been forgiven and forgotten.
They are NOT forgotten, because one of your shit friends made a meme about it that now shows up on your google name search.
Having to fuel my business by social media and having a blog for 4 years is something you have to get used to. Being exposed to social media and studying it while not trying to get sucked in is super hard. It’s a tool that can be great for a small business but it can create a lot of unrealistic expectations.
You are constantly at war with social media while trying to win it over at the same time.
I try and be real on social media but sometimes I wonder about the consequences. I mean, fuck, I stopped writing this blog because I was afraid I’d get fired from my office job for saying too much.
I mean I got fired anyway because I still said too much IN REAL LIFE which is more of an example of my character than anything else.
We all watch people get “trolled” and bashed on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram for going too far with an opinion. We sit in our safe places and read safely the backlash of someone’s social stupidity and bask in other friends courage.
But do you ever think the online world is dictating our real life world? People’s persona’s get glorified, people’s lives become intimidating when in other times they would just have an occupation.
Fuck, we sometimes see people’s intimate relationships crumble, rebuild and crumble again on Facebook and just roll our eyes, like it’s some kind of reality show. We see relationship statuses and profile pictures, deleted more times than we see a prime time show get cancelled. And the people that do that have to live with the fact that everyone was watching online.
And don’t fucking tell me that shit doesn’t carry over in real life, cause it does. I’ve been victim of it. I’ve actually had relationships end because of social media. Which is why I’m more guarded about it now.
I’ve also been present in too many situations where I have already known the social awkwardness of an acquaintances love life and had to play “dumb,” like I didn’t watch everything unfold and refold online.
It just creates an audience you have to answer to because of your over indulgence and self advertising.
This shit didn’t exist at one point and when it did, it was called poetry and was written in songs, sung in public squares, published in books or written in plays. It was found years later and spooned over by millions of emotional beings finding correlations to their own love endeavours. Not an hour later, by a bunch of your drunk friends, bringing it up at a games night when there’s a gap in the conversation.
Not that that doesn’t still happen, the poetry/song published part, it does, but guys we are living in a world with two worlds. Yea, all you nerds are “cumming” your pants about dual universes, but we are living in 2 realities. Online and offline. And online is setting the tone for offline these days.
Yea, I look real fucking cool on Instagram but the last week I’ve spent most of my days emailing and crying over life not doing the things I want it to do. Did you hear about that, did you know about that? Of course not, I posted glossy photos of my Styling work instead.
Because I look more put together that way, I look cooler that way and I didn’t want anyone to know I’m just as freaked out as everyone else. I debate going for a run every morning. Sometimes I do, sometimes I get stoned instead. I spend days playing dress up and accomplish nothing. I go out on a Tuesday and spend the rest of the week recovering.
I’m a mess like everyone else sometimes. I just know how to use a photo app and take a great picture with an epic comment about how I’m “winning.”
Sometimes I’m not, sometimes I feel like I’m far from it. I won’t post about that but I’ll sure as hell write about. I’m positive most people feel like they are losing some imaginary race every now and then.
Social media is great but just don’t beat yourself up over someone else’s ability to paint a perfect picture.
I think I’ve ranted enough and I’ve thankfully found a box of champagne in my dad’s garage so I probably should wrap this up. Take this post lightly please. I’m not trying to start waves or piss anyone off. I don’t know everything and I certainly don’t boast about knowing everything. This is an observation from someone who has had one too many hours to think about things.
Thanks for reading!