Recently my best friend Kmo posted this article “27 things you MUST say goodbye to at 27” and it sparked a rage inside me that I haven’t felt since my convenience store switched their pizza pocket brand to McCain.
Having my own blog and being 27 I have decided to retaliate against this writer who clearly has an extensive Cosmo magazine collection and found her sexuality through a tampon commercial.
Unfortunately you will need to read her list before mine for dramatic effect and hilarity.
Without further hesitation I give you Casey Janes’ 27 things you ARE still doing at 27 and it’s ok.
1. Bagels? Really? You brought the holiest (pun intended) breakfast food into being 27? I ate 3 sandwiches last night in less than 2 hours at 10pm and felt the sweet freedom of being an adult. And how DARE you smite cream cheese, it is the spread of the gods!
Your body is still young enough to work that out and have an incredible morning poop story to text to your girlfriends/guyfriends.
2. One day birthday? You know who has one day birthdays? My dad because he’s 56 and gets so hammered that he has to put a restraining order out on himself from his liver.
Oh, and that guy on University Ave that yells about Armageddon.
That guy still thinks it’s the year 1300.
You have every right to ruin your best friends lives for a week for the sake of getting older.
3. “Just because” vacations are over.
I don’t know if this woman met all her friends at a bridal show or a country club but I’m calling bullshit on this one.
Actually I’m calling bullshit on the whole article but that’s beside the point.
I recently got back from a 26 day European trip that cost me $1800 dollars and only $188 of that was spent on accommodation. It was amazing, it was hilarious and I plan on traveling to LA in March. I am also a bridesmaid in 2 weddings and each bride gets shit faced drunk in animal onesies at my place twice a month.
4. I’m sorry, babies?
Half of us are still using Tinder as a delivery service while the other half are trying to remember if we have enough in our savings account to buy wine for the night.
5. Is this woman some weird estrogen werewolf? When the lights come on does she instantly grow hair out of every orifice and start drooling?
I’ve partied with people in their 30’s who are the last ones at the 24 hr pho restaurant debating having a game of Catan and smoking weed. I look forward to Saturday bed picnics and multiple naps.
BECAUSE IM AN ADULT AND I CAN DO WHAT I WANT!
Also I’m no treat at 2am when the lights come on but you better believe I give ZERO fucks about my physical appearance.
6,7,8. Tell that to my bank account and Anne Taylor? Really? Might as well just sew your vagina up and pick a husband out of the line at the Staples business depot around the corner.
9. If I want to put a bejewelled head band on and drop MDMA at a music festival in Barrie I will.
10. Who the fuck wears rainbow sandals?
11. Ooooooooooo somebody didn’t get into that law school they told everyone they were going to.
12. The only reason, ONLY reason I don’t wear white is because I can’t afford dry cleaning and red wine and pizza sauce stains are a bitch to get out.
13. Yes Tweens are indeed taking over midnight movies everywhere, it’s a real epidemic. Although they are the perfect scape goat when the theatre attendant tries to catch you drinking a tetra pack of Chardonnay.
“It OBVIOUSLY belongs to the 16 year old, officer.”
“Mam, I’m not an officer and you still have the straw in your mouth.”
14. VERY SERIOUS CAREER…
Here I’ll get serious, very serious.
Never stop exploring your options, never think that how you are evolving in your career depends on a formula. The most successful people I know started off doing one thing that lead to something they absolutely love. There is no race you need to win and you can certainly have fun while building a successful fulfilling career.
Also don’t forget to live, a lot of us think we need to shut ourselves off and put all our attention to our career. I have been one of those and you miss out on a lot of moments and opportunities.
It’s all about balance.
15. What old white man parties is this lady going to?
16. What I want to know is what is your standard of “ratty?”
Last summer I wore a pair of my roommates black satin underwear and a bikini top that I bought at a Target in Pennsylvania.
I still got laid.
17. YOU CANT TAKE BACKSTREET BOYS AWAY FROM ME!!!
18. Hey if I’m doubled over my toilet because of day old Indian food, I have every right to be late for my doctors appointment.
I’m actually doing him a favour, I’m like a modern day Mother Theresa.
19. My mother and I fight about who that actor was in that movie that had the thing happen in it.
It is a glorious spectacle and I would never give that up.
20. I can’t afford cable so…
21. I don’t have a grudge, they were legit idiots.
22. Unless I have a date or my roommate comments on my appearance I am ok with going 2 days without showering. These are usually the days I spend watching hours of CSI Miami while job hunting on my couch.
23. NO! You do not bring themed parties into this!
As my readers know I have monthly costume parties at my place and I will continue this tradition until I’m dead. I look forward to the day my kids come home and find me and their aunts dressed like cowboy flapper girls singing Dolly Parton’s 9-5.
24. I read the news…that Marmaduke, he kills me.
25. But then how are you supposed to laugh at her when he says he’s married?
26. Oh yea cause adding each photo at a time is totally better.
27. Just remember ladies, Keggles count as your daily exercise.
Thanks for reading and remember, you are still young and there is nothing you should or should not be doing at any age.
Maybe pooping yourself, if you’re 27 and pooping yourself I think you have bigger problems than this list.