The past two weeks have lead me to believe that once you figure out yourself, the inside, the deep down you, the life you’re living syncs with the life you’ve always wanted. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about who am I at this point in my life, what do I want, and what do I need. The answers were that I’m a very aware of myself, I want to continue finding my career in fashion, and I don’t need anything. Honestly I don’t need a thing because I have everything I need and anything else will come to me in its own perfect time. Its patience and I’m not too good at waiting, never have been. I think I got sick of working myself up, asking myself why this and why that when really I should have shut up and just enjoyed my life.
Things will ALWAYS be changing and opportunities will be coming and going as long as you keep your fuckin’ eyes open! Stop seeing what you don’t have and stop blinding yourself on high expectations that are not real. You know why I think this is the closest I’ve been to being right, well, for myself? It’s because the minute I gave up my expectations, my stresses, and my constant anxieties over not having a title to call myself was the minute everything happened. I got an offer to go and work for a well established Canadian designer, I paid off my debts, I began loving who I am, and my friendships and relationships became even more deep rooted. I even met a “Literary Gentleman” LG for drinks which turned into a few other dates of long talks and getting to know each other.
Its all very lovely and I haven’t had to stress about a thing, well this morning I stressed out about still not having a phone but it subsided once I had a coffee and a cigarette at Jimmy’s in Kensington. That will come too and Ive made it this long without one, whats another couple days, right?
In other news I was door girl extraordinaire for a huge roof top free beer party sponsored by Amsterdam Brewery last Saturday. We were at capacity by 6:30 and 80 minutes into it we went through 1’056 beers…people were clearly having a good time. We closed doors for an hour and changed over to a BYOB which continued to be just as dancy, sweaty, and hook up ready as was earlier. I spent my time at the door dancing with my bouncer Jesse and sending my brother on multiple beer store runs while keeping the masses at bay. We shut down everything at 11pm and had a small after party on the vacated roof top patio until my brother and I stumbled home. I was about to loose my shit on some pompous dick head who thought he was entitled to my beer and lit cigarette in my hand. I was talking with him for a minute before I realized he was after everything I possessed and thought being a mooch and doing deranged drunk eyes at me would swoon me over…
Self worth is one hell of a drug and I’m glad I’ve been overdosing on it lately.
Sunday I woke up at 7:30am and realized that for once I did not have to venture into work like the hungover mess I usually am on “The Lord’s” day. I happily fell back asleep until 10am when my body demanded coffee and being mobile, it’s not used to laying around too much these days. I decided I needed clean clothes as later in the day I was meeting said literary gentleman for an adventure on the island. Branko had stayed on our couch now that he had returned from gallivanting in California over the past two months. I missed seeing his feet sticking out over the couch and being fully clothed in a weird coffin pose.
Going back and forth from the laundry mat with its iconic “sea foam blue dryers” made me fall in love with my neighbourhood again. I coasted the sidewalks listening to folk tunes and became human again while carting my laundry back to my place. I ran into our local crazy woman who is now dressing up as a hotdog, ya know, for summer time. When I say hotdog I mean she actually owns a foam hotdog suit that she dresses up in to get tourists to give her money.
By 2pm I was enjoying a Ceaser on Java’s patio getting ready to head over to Wards Island with LG enjoying the fact that I was fine with having a liquid lunch before catching the ferry. I led him to a little island where I actually hadn’t gone to before and we found a tiny little beach far enough from a bunch of “Bra’s” or “Bro’s” so that we could enjoy ourselves. We befriended an old duck couple who wanted our wine. We talked about the dynamics of dating in this society, past experiences in art, and a bunch of other topics that are now kind of clouded by ant bites and alcohol.
Apparently there are A LOT of fire ants on that tiny island…
I don’t know but I am completely alright with that…for once in my life. I have an idea of what I’d like to happen and I have my goals that I will continue to work toward. Other than that I’m just going to do things that make me happy, hang out with people that make my life better, and I’m going to enjoy the moments for what they are.
You should too, it’s a hell of a lot easier than forcing something, expecting something, or relentlessly pushing for something. If you’re meant to have it or experience it, you will.
Happy Summer Lovelies