Just Sittin Out Maxin, Relaxin All Cool

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The past two weeks have lead me to believe that once you figure out yourself, the inside, the deep down you, the life you’re living syncs with the life you’ve always wanted. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about who am I at this point in my life, what do I want, and what do I need. The answers were that I’m a very aware of myself, I want to continue finding my career in fashion, and I don’t need anything. Honestly I don’t need a thing because I have everything I need and anything else will come to me in its own perfect time. Its patience and I’m not too good at waiting, never have been. I think I got sick of working myself up, asking myself why this and why that when really I should have shut up and just enjoyed my life.

Things will ALWAYS be changing and opportunities will be coming and going as long as you keep your fuckin’ eyes open! Stop seeing what you don’t have and stop blinding yourself on high expectations that are not real. You know why I think this is the closest I’ve been to being right, well, for myself? It’s because the minute I gave up my expectations, my stresses, and my constant anxieties over not having a title to call myself was the minute everything happened. I got an offer to go and work for a well established Canadian designer, I paid off my debts, I began loving who I am, and my friendships and relationships became even more deep rooted. I even met a “Literary Gentleman” LG for drinks which turned into a few other dates of long talks and getting to know each other.

Its all very lovely and I haven’t had to stress about a thing, well this morning I stressed out about still not having a phone but it subsided once I had a coffee and a cigarette at Jimmy’s in Kensington. That will come too and Ive made it this long without one, whats another couple days, right?

In other news I was door girl extraordinaire for a huge roof top free beer party sponsored by Amsterdam Brewery last Saturday. We were at capacity by 6:30 and 80 minutes into it we went through 1’056 beers…people were clearly having a good time. We closed doors for an hour and changed over to a BYOB which continued to be just as dancy, sweaty, and hook up ready as was earlier. I spent my time at the door dancing with my bouncer Jesse and sending my brother on multiple beer store runs while keeping the masses at bay. We shut down everything at 11pm and had a small after party on the vacated roof top patio until my brother and I stumbled home. I was about to loose my shit on some pompous dick head who thought he was entitled to my beer and lit cigarette in my hand. I was talking with him for a minute before I realized he was after everything I possessed and thought being a mooch and doing deranged drunk eyes at me would swoon me over…

Self worth is one hell of a drug and I’m glad I’ve been overdosing on it lately.

Sunday I woke up at 7:30am and realized that for once I did not have to venture into work like the hungover mess I usually am on “The Lord’s” day. I happily fell back asleep until 10am when my body demanded coffee and being mobile, it’s not used to laying around too much these days. I decided I needed clean clothes as later in the day I was meeting said literary gentleman for an adventure on the island. Branko had stayed on our couch now that he had returned from gallivanting in California over the past two months. I missed seeing his feet sticking out over the couch and being fully clothed in a weird coffin pose.
Going back and forth from the laundry mat with its iconic “sea foam blue dryers” made me fall in love with my neighbourhood again. I coasted the sidewalks listening to folk tunes and became human again while carting my laundry back to my place. I ran into our local crazy woman who is now dressing up as a hotdog, ya know, for summer time. When I say hotdog I mean she actually owns a foam hotdog suit that she dresses up in to get tourists to give her money.
By 2pm I was enjoying a Ceaser on Java’s patio getting ready to head over to Wards Island with LG enjoying the fact that I was fine with having a liquid lunch before catching the ferry. I led him to a little island where I actually hadn’t gone to before and we found a tiny little beach far enough from a bunch of “Bra’s” or “Bro’s” so that we could enjoy ourselves. We befriended an old duck couple who wanted our wine. We talked about the dynamics of dating in this society, past experiences in art, and a bunch of other topics that are now kind of clouded by ant bites and alcohol.

Apparently there are A LOT of fire ants on that tiny island…

What’s ahead?

I don’t know but I am completely alright with that…for once in my life.  I have an idea of what I’d like to happen and I have my goals that I will continue to work toward. Other than that I’m just going to do things that make me happy, hang out with people that make my life better, and I’m going to enjoy the moments for what they are.

You should too, it’s a hell of a lot easier than forcing something, expecting something, or relentlessly pushing for something. If you’re meant to have it or experience it, you will.

Happy Summer Lovelies

xox

Casey Jane

TUNES!!!

Future Islands – Seasons
Beirut – Postcards From Italy
Tune Yards  – Bizness
Mac Demarco – My Kind Of Woman

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Kicked Off the Wrong Train and Zak Miller Lullabies

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Fine, fine fine, I’m feeling oh so fine with my life.
Why?
Because Ive been thinking about time and how much time I have. How little time I now spend worrying, stressing out, and chasing things that are not meant to be. When you are aware of your surroundings, when you are making choices with yourself in mind, the rights things come and the wrongs things go. I’ve spent so much time wondering why things don’t work out, why every opportunity seems to fall flat, and why my feet keep going their own way. Its because its not meant to be and the quicker you come to realize this the sooner you can move on to better things. I’m not saying don’t fight for what you believe in, always fight, but know the worth of the fight. You have that choice, to just simply walk away with your goals and place them on a blank canvas again. I’ve had to rebuild my life a few times and I’m only on the verge of 27 years old. It builds a strong sense of being going through so many changes, you come out stronger every time.
I mean it, EVERYTIME.
Or else you my friend are one of those circle people. You are the stubborn, the egomaniac ones that spends their lives doing the same things over and over again. You make the same “safe” choices, you date the same men, and you make the same mistakes. Sound familiar?
Our lives move forward, let it move that way even if its terrifying. I have this feeling that a lot of people in our generation are going to have a rude awakening in the next few years. We do the same actions and expect a different outcome, we stick to the same habits and wonder why we end up in the same place.

You can’t make a pot roast and expect it to come out as a fucking cake.

So take that new route home, go flirt with that coffee guy who “isn’t your type” and stop pulling yourself back into your comfort zones. This advice is brought to you by a lady who has been shoved out of her comfort zone enough times. It usually feels like riding on a train only to be kicked off cause you didn’t have the proper ticket. You knew you didn’t have the right ticket and its a sinking feeling when you get caught. That is how I felt after realizing I had made the wrong choice, I had tried to find a loop hole instead of paying responsibly. If you ignore the signs life gives you, ignore that gut feeling, I’m afraid you will always find yourself getting chucked off moving trains.
The fun part about moving forward is the right things, the fun things, and the meaningful things become clearer. Perfect example of this was last friday when I adventured to the Toronto Island Cafe. From reading my blog you’ll know I went to an art school downtown, and you’ll know I have an incredible circle of talented friends. Zak Miller or Hummus as his nickname was, I can’t remember how that name came to be, maybe we just liked chickpeas a lot. Anyway he play’s in his band called Zakary Miller & The Filthy 5 Brass Band all around Toronto. We got lucky to watch him do his thing in a beautiful garden cafe setting, surrounded by wine and hula hoopers as the sun set slowly. My girls Cat, Meghan, Sarah and I sat around a white picnic table under twinkle lights laughing and enjoying the most lovely music coming from someone who we know and love. Zak even did an ODB rendition of “Baby I Got Your Money” which got everyone singing along. I spent most of the time just taking it all in, seeing how lucky I was and eying the smoking hot bartender that I later realized also went to high school with us. I drunkenly elbowed Sarah and pointed towards the bar but before she could roll her eyes Meghan chimed in loudly proclaiming his name and that we did indeed know him. I sank slowly behind the flower bouquet center piece and avoided eye contact with the younger pretty girls at the next table who had overheard.
What?
Yea I get immediately shy when people find out Im checking them out and then try and act coy by sipping my wine and awkwardly laughing. I find the wine flushes my cheeks more than the embarrassment does, or I just loudly proclaim ” I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM”
The night ended with a lovely last song from Zak and his band, we all gave him a huge hug and gratefully thanked him for such an amazing evening across the lake. That is the beautiful thing about having a school that nurtured us as artists, we never forget that bond we all have. Its been almost 14 years since we all were young artists creating and figuring out who we were and what we could offer. We are still mostly all doing just that, creating and enjoying the art we were trained to do.

Remember my loves everything takes time and you have a whole lot of it. Enjoy getting out of your comfort zones, go see some live music, call an old friend, and take a chance on being out of the ordinary.
A good life takes 3 things in my opinion;
Patience, Passion, and Persistence.

Below are some tracks laid down By Zak and his band so have a listen, follow him on Facebook here and go out and see these lovelies live.

Zakary Miller  – Baby I got Your Money

Zakary Miller – Baby’s A Drink

XOXO

– Casey Jane

Pizza Pops and Circus Clowns

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I’m constantly surprised by the learnings of life and the ever growing gratefulness I have to everything. For the past 2 years I have struggled with finding my place in it all. I’ve gone in and out of so many work spaces and carried a stress of not knowing where my next pay would come from. Lately, for the first time, I’m beginning to feel stability. It’s a slow process and realistically I won’t be completely back on my feet until July. I have to respect that and make choices that can make that goal a reality. I’m really enjoying my life and again for the first time I’m giving myself a break. The mental break downs have stopped, my night terrors haven’t happened in weeks, and the stresses of my insane singleness have vanished. I’m happy with everything that is my life right now.
I also have been living without a phone for the last two weeks.
It’s been…
Interesting.
Not in a bad way though, in a eye opening good way as it’s allowed me to be in the moment A LOT more. I hang out with the friends that still make ways to contact me knowing once I leave my house I’m in limbo. If anything my social life has become richer.
Last weekend we had our first Hanlands nude beach day over on the island. I met my friend Tim of almost 15 years at the ferry dock and it was the first time we hung out in FOREVER! Tim was my prom date and was actually my first guy friend in high school. He’s one of those friends where no matter how much time goes by it’s an instant ease into where we left off. The day was spent laughing until my face hurt, making hashtags with my friend Liz, and creating a pizza pocket salad with Tim.
This past Friday I went over to my best friend Meghan’s condo to build a #drunkassladyfort for a girls night celebration. Our friend Cat finished her chiropractic exams and even hearing her lightly talk about it made my brain hurt. We built the fort out of blankets, wrap skirts, pipe cleaners, and hair ties. No lady fort is complete without twinkle lights, flower garlands, and a shit load of wine. So there we were, 5 drunk women in their late twenties rolling around in a blanket fort on a Friday night.
On Saturday Liz and I party hopped and ended the night with me hitting and climbing parked cars with a balloon in hand…
We still don’t know how I acquired the balloon or why I turned into a drunk Bart Simpson. We had gone to a house party for drinks where her gay friend decided to call me Jane Fonda for the night. I didn’t protest as I was more interested in the wine drinking and getting into an accent mimicking war with a stranger. I came home that night at 5:30 and waited until 6am for my two pizza pockets to cook in the oven. I also burned my boob while eating them in bed and not waiting for them to cool down…
As a recent date of mine would say “classy dame”.
I actually fell on my face in my shop on our first date while closing up. On our second date I ordered a chicken sandwich that was stacked way to high for my mouth. Without thinking I took my whole hand and smushed the sandwich so that I could eat it. Needless to say I’m really staying true to the real me lately.
Styling has been slow just with my mission out of poverty and my new found love of my almost full time job. I work as a style coach for an independent retail shop that represents local and Canadian designers. I’m really working hard to find my place within the company and use everything I’ve learned to do the best job I can. It’s really sparked the idea of creating a place within a community that is supportive and doing amazing work. I love working with our local designers and branching out to better my career and theirs. I still have a lot to learned but I’m making the choices to be honest and accountable for how my life plays out. The money will follow with dedication and persistence. I’ve come out of many hardships to know that it’s only making me a stronger woman. Everyday I choose to keep going is everyday I get closer to the ideal life I want to lead.

And that’s coming from a lady that burnt her tit on a rogue pizza pocket filling.

Just keep going, accept your life for how wonderful it is, and be grateful for the people that are in your life. Listen to yourself and learn from your choices and actions to become nothing but better. This time in life is all about finding yourself so don’t rush it, don’t be impatient, it’s all coming in its own perfect time.
At least that is what I’ve come to believe.

Happy June my darlings

Casey Jane

Tunes
Hall & Oates – Head Above Water
Yuna – Falling
Great, Good, Fine, Ok – Not Going Home
Gregory Alan Isakov – Light Year