I woke up with my head spinning this morning, mainly because of a hangover but also because its the end of the month. RENT TIME my least favourite day of the month because its a constant reminder that Im not financially sound yet. Its the day where I question what Im doing with my life and if all this struggle is worth a damn. I sit at my window and watch people drive by and I envision their bank statements above their head. I think about if they know what its like to actually not have a penny to their name. I wonder about my friends and if they go through the same thing, the same stress and self doubt that I do. I don’t have family to support me when times are tough, I have my roommate that calms the storms when she can, I have my best friends who take me out when I need to forget, and I have myself to pick up the slack and snap back into the hustle. Thats really all one needs and Im grateful for the people in my life, thats one thing I constantly send out to the universe is thanks for the beautiful people I have around me.
The last couple days have been weird and wonderful as most days are in the past little while. Kate left me to my own devices over the weekend which wasn’t the best idea as I was reeling from an over creative week and hadn’t dealt with the demons I usually run out. I was my own one woman muppet show flying around the city with friends only to arrive home alone with a box of pizza pockets wishing I wasn’t such a nut bar. I try really hard to have self control but sometimes that little Casey takes the drivers seat and joy rides me into a Las Vegas setting of booze and popularity. I can’t describe the feeling of wanting something so badly to change yet fighting the old habits of my past that keep it from changing
What is it that I want so badly?
Normality and stability…I want to work during the week and I want to look at my bank statement and see the rewards of a good job that gives me purpose and confidence. Every one paid styling job I get there are 4 jobs I did for free and its wearing me down to a fine point. I even looked at bar tending jobs the other day and thought about stepping aside from the crazy dream of mine…but I know I won’t give up. I was raised by two people who never let anyone tell them how to live and how to make a living so maybe thats a blessing and a curse. Im trying to pave my own way and its very different that anyone in my family which makes it also very hard to explain to them that I DO work all the time I just don’t get paid for it…yet. I was telling my friend Tyler the other day that I think I have some supernatural patience, waiting for things is something Im very bad and good at. Bad because I get trigger happy and loose my cool only to wind up wishing I had looked before I leaped. Good because my resilience and persistence is that of a lion, I love deeply, I care deeply and I believe in the beauty of life too much to let a little ugliness send me down the wrong path.
Oh yea and Id like a companion, a nice man to ask me how my day was and cuddle me until we realize we haven’t left my bed in two days. Ive met a really nice one it just seems the universe is keeping us busy with our own lives so I don’t have a firm grasp of what it is yet. Lets not forget my rejection fears and all that other fun stuff that goes on in a lady’s head. Im trying to not think so much, play it cool man, act like your not freaking out on the inside. Im not very good at that and Im also hell bent on not apologizing and not buying into all those “dating” games. Im the type of gal where if I like you then Im going to show you, Im going to act like my weird self because if I don’t then it’ll come as a complete shock to any man of how big of a person I am. I don’t want someone I have to hide away from anymore, I used to and it never ended well for me. Again I try and act all “I don’t need a man, I like being alone” and I do but I really want this time to work. I want to show vulnerability and I want show that the door is open and Im not going to slam it in his face.
Im scared though…Im scared of a lot of things that people don’t see in me. Im scared that everyone is going to get sick of me and my life. Im scared people are going to stop believing in me and its going to turn into a emotional shit show. Im terrified of failing and having to start all over again. Sometimes I worry that all this sacrificing and chasing is going to leave me alone and successful which isn’t success to me. I worry that Im going to be single forever, and I worry that my career is becoming too much of everything. I worry about my friends thinking Im taking advantage of them because its been 2 years of this and in anyones eyes that should be enough time to figure out how to pay rent and do a job well.
I wish it was…I really really do.
Its just not that easy when you just have yourself to pick things up again, but thats life and everyone else has their own battles to fight. I can choose to let peoples doubt take ahold of me and change what Im doing. I can choose to allow all the worries and fears shut me up and just make money and live. I won’t though, not after all the work Ive done and not after all the other people Ive had to walk away from because they couldn’t handle it or didn’t want to. What I can say is that when I see someone struggle, when I see a friend having a hard time I relate instantly. I try everything to lift them up or make their day a little easier because Ive been there too many times and had a lot of people make it their mission to kick me when Im down. I know the feelings so well I almost take on their stress as my own, it still amazes me that people are still so careless with other peoples feelings. It just takes a second to remember a time when you were like them and take actions to help wherever you can.
Im going to attempt to slow my brain down and see if I can turn this day into a successful one rather then a string of anxiety attacks and self loathing.
– Casey Jane aka Paper Bag Princess