My darling readers how are you?
Are you sleeping well? Having good sex?
Getting outside and day drinking in Bellwoods in the company of your tattooed friends and can ladies?
I do hope you are because its finally not hell frozen over in our little city of Toronto. I posted this on Facebook back in the winter time but whoever complains about the heat is getting throat punched by my boney knuckles. I had my first sit on my front stoop on Queen West the other morning with my coffee and a delightful cigarette. I like where I live cause I get to people watch, although I’m sure the people I’m watching think I”m homeless or just took a break from my walk of shame home. I’m usually in some sort of tights and big shirt combo with un-brushed hair and saucer sized sunglasses to hide making actual eye contact with anyone. I’ve clearly gotten very comfortable looking like a weirdo in public and my “give a fuck” meter seems to have imploded.
I feel like I’m at the point now where I’ve used every excuse in the book. I’ve blamed every other possible circumstance for my own and I’ve allowed so many dumb people influence me into thinking I’m anything other then myself. I’ve been a scape goat, dodged, tucked and rolled from so many problems I’ve initially made for myself in the first place. I’m starting to see these same excuses, same verses being used on me as well. I’m stubborn as fuck but I have stubbed my own toe enough to realize now that owning up to your reality and owning up to your potential is a really incredible thing. Its also bat shit crazy how fast everything changes around you, how quickly people you thought should be in the picture get erased and how instantly you start attracting the things that are needed in your life. It can be lonely and confrontational at some points because being honest with yourself doesn’t mean that others are going to be honest with you. A lot of people will treat you as they treat themselves, sometimes that’s being treated like shit and sometimes its being treated with so much love you can’t handle it. That is because either people compensate for the lack of love they give themselves or they search for people that will give them what they can’t or won’t give back. Its frustrating, its humbling and it can, oddly enough, be empowering, knowing all these things before interacting with someone.
I’m tip toeing into my next shit lesson I learned the other day, know when to walk away. Like I said before I am stubborn, I’m like a kid that doesn’t want to part with her teddy bear. I hold on to things with clenched fists until I black out from exhaustion, I never want to know that I failed at something or that things are indeed not going to work out. Rejection and failed attempts are not something we all like to seek. Some people I know attract it like white on rice and others know how to take it on and turn it into something amazing. I’m somewhere in the middle because I’ve failed A LOT and had that feeling that the badness is never going to stop. However I’ve also pulled myself together and used the rejection to fuel something really amazing. Like a new photo shoot or a job opportunity that I would have never sought after. Being knocked down helps you get better at bouncing back up but it doesn’t mean its a pleasant thing to go through time and time again.
But then again how will you ever know about something if you never try?
I thought I had finally met someone that clicked into my world, I put myself out there more so than I have in a long time. I was fearless with being myself and only backed off a couple times because of fear, but I kept trying. Then that trying became chasing which then became exhausting. I thought about the times we spent together and why it was so different when we weren’t. Why this distance immediately happened after we would spend the night together talking and laughing. I was putting myself out there so clearly he was too right?
How silly and wrong I was, I tell myself how I should have seen the signs but I thought being patient and allowing something to unfold was a great new thing Id try. I’m usually a dive right in type of lady so this time I thought maybe this was healthy, taking it easy and letting the time figure out whether this was indeed a good thing. That slowness turned into a thought that maybe something was up and maybe I wanted something more than he did. Problem was this poor fellow was so lost in his own past that I don’t think I could have squeezed in and that’s crazy cause I fit into most overhead compartments. I wanted to and I could feel myself holding on again, that same tension and grip Ive been attracted to before…I just didn’t have it in me this time.
So there I was in my bed dealing with my sinking stomach and the frustration of failure and the hurt of rejection yet again. I teared up, put on my sappiest music and leaned out my window to stare at the finally quiet Queen street. I first blamed myself, than I got angry, then I got sad again but this time I got sad for him. I got sad knowing that there are so many people living under their past when really they should be letting it go. I have my faults but I know how I like to be treated and how I treat people. It was upsetting that someone I saw something in could want to hold on to things that hurt to the point where I walked away. I woke up with an emotional hangover and spent the day slapping my phone out of my hand in attempts to hold on to that idea I had of him. I played out stupid movie moments of him realizing what he had lost and running down Kensington Avenue in the rain like a regular Hugh Grant. I thankfully woke up from my unrealistic imagination, grabbed a coffee and continued to work my day like I wasn’t bitter and dead inside. After enough writing and enough alone time I finally let it be and figured I was better off holding my own hand.
Tomorrow I have my first day off in a long time and I plan to spend it with myself because I’m realizing I’m pretty fun to hangout with. Thanks for reading lovelies and I hope you always look out for yourselves, just remember to keep the truth going inside.
Tune Time to match the mood