Waltzes with Lions, Scarecrows, and Tin Men

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My darling readers how are you?
Are you sleeping well? Having good sex?
Getting outside and day drinking in Bellwoods in the company of your tattooed friends and can ladies? 

I do hope you are because its finally not hell frozen over in our little city of Toronto. I posted this on Facebook back in the winter time but whoever complains about the heat is getting throat punched by my boney knuckles. I had my first sit on my front stoop on Queen West the other morning with my coffee and a delightful cigarette. I like where I live cause I get to people watch, although I’m sure the people I’m watching think I”m homeless or just took a break from my walk of shame home. I’m usually in some sort of tights and big shirt combo with un-brushed hair and saucer sized sunglasses to hide making actual eye contact with anyone. I’ve clearly gotten very comfortable looking like a weirdo in public and my “give a fuck” meter seems to have imploded.

I feel like I’m at the point now where I’ve used every excuse in the book. I’ve blamed every other possible circumstance for my own and I’ve allowed so many dumb people influence me into thinking I’m anything other then myself. I’ve been a scape goat, dodged, tucked and rolled from so many problems I’ve initially made for myself in the first place. I’m starting to see these same excuses, same verses being used on me as well. I’m stubborn as fuck but I have stubbed my own toe enough to realize now that owning up to your reality and owning up to your potential is a really incredible thing. Its also bat shit crazy how fast everything changes around you, how quickly people you thought should be in the picture get erased and how instantly you start attracting the things that are needed in your life. It can be lonely and confrontational at some points because being honest with yourself doesn’t mean that others are going to be honest with you. A lot of people will treat you as they treat themselves, sometimes that’s being treated like shit and sometimes its being treated with so much love you can’t handle it. That is because either people compensate for the lack of love they give themselves or they search for people that will give them what they can’t or won’t give back. Its frustrating, its humbling and it can, oddly enough, be empowering, knowing all these things before interacting with someone. 

I’m tip toeing into my next shit lesson I learned the other day, know when to walk away. Like I said before I am stubborn, I’m like a kid that doesn’t want to part with her teddy bear. I hold on to things with clenched fists until I black out from exhaustion, I never want to know that I failed at something or that things are indeed not going to work out. Rejection and failed attempts are not something we all like to seek. Some people I know attract it like white on rice and others know how to take it on and turn it into something amazing. I’m somewhere in the middle because I’ve failed A LOT and had that feeling that the badness is never going to stop. However I’ve also pulled myself together and used the rejection to fuel something really amazing. Like a new photo shoot or a job opportunity that I would have never sought after. Being knocked down helps you get better at bouncing back up but it doesn’t mean its a pleasant thing to go through time and time again.

But then again how will you ever know about something if you never try?

I thought I had finally met someone that clicked into my world, I put myself out there more so than I have in a long time. I was fearless with being myself and only backed off a couple times because of fear, but I kept trying. Then that trying became chasing which then became exhausting. I thought about the times we spent together and why it was so different when we weren’t. Why this distance immediately happened after we would spend the night together talking and laughing. I was putting myself out there so clearly he was too right?
How silly and wrong I was, I tell myself how I should have seen the signs but I thought being patient and allowing something to unfold was a great new thing Id try. I’m usually a dive right in type of lady so this time I thought maybe this was healthy, taking it easy and letting the time figure out whether this was indeed a good thing. That slowness turned into a thought that maybe something was up and maybe I wanted something more than he did. Problem was this poor fellow was so lost in his own past that I don’t think I could have squeezed in and that’s crazy cause I fit into most overhead compartments. I wanted to and I could feel myself holding on again, that same tension and grip Ive been attracted to before…I just didn’t have it in me this time.
So there I was in my bed dealing with my sinking stomach and the frustration of failure and the hurt of rejection yet again. I teared up, put on my sappiest music and leaned out my window to stare at the finally quiet Queen street. I first blamed myself, than I got angry, then I got sad again but this time I got sad for him. I got sad knowing that there are so many people living under their past when really they should be letting it go. I have my faults but I know how I like to be treated and how I treat people. It was upsetting that someone I saw something in could want to hold on to things that hurt to the point where I walked away. I woke up with an emotional hangover and spent the day slapping my phone out of my hand in attempts to hold on to that idea I had of him. I played out stupid movie moments of him realizing what he had lost and running down Kensington Avenue in the rain like a regular Hugh Grant. I thankfully woke up from my unrealistic imagination, grabbed a coffee and continued to work my day like I wasn’t bitter and dead inside. After enough writing and enough alone time I finally let it be and figured I was better off holding my own hand.

Tomorrow I have my first day off in a long time and I plan to spend it with myself because I’m realizing I’m pretty fun to hangout with. Thanks for reading lovelies and I hope you always look out for yourselves, just remember to keep the truth going inside.

xox

Casey Jane

Tune Time to match the mood

Sanders Bohlke – Somewhere
Trent Dabbs  – I’m not OK
Paolo Nutini – Growing up beside you
Sanders Bohlke – Misdirection

 

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Welcome to the Muppet Show

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I woke up with my head spinning this morning, mainly because of a hangover but also because its the end of the month. RENT TIME my least favourite day of the month because its a constant reminder that Im not financially sound yet. Its the day where I question what Im doing with my life and if all this struggle is worth a damn. I sit at my window and watch people drive by and I envision their bank statements above their head. I think about if they know what its like to actually not have a penny to their name. I wonder about my friends and if they go through the same thing, the same stress and self doubt that I do. I don’t have family to support me when times are tough, I have my roommate that calms the storms when she can, I have my best friends who take me out when I need to forget, and I have myself to pick up the slack and snap back into the hustle. Thats really all one needs and Im grateful for the people in my life, thats one thing I constantly send out to the universe is thanks for the beautiful people I have around me. 

The last couple days have been weird and wonderful as most days are in the past little while. Kate left me to my own devices over the weekend which wasn’t the best idea as I was reeling from an over creative week and hadn’t dealt with the demons I usually run out. I was my own one woman muppet show flying around the city with friends only to arrive home alone with a box of pizza pockets wishing I wasn’t such a nut bar. I try really hard to have self control but sometimes that little Casey takes the drivers seat and joy rides me into a Las Vegas setting of booze and popularity. I can’t describe the feeling of wanting something so badly to change yet fighting the old habits of my past that keep it from changing  

What is it that I want so badly? 

Normality and stability…I want to work during the week and I want to look at my bank statement and see the rewards of a good job that gives me purpose and confidence. Every one paid styling job I get there are 4 jobs I did for free and its wearing me down to a fine point. I even looked at bar tending jobs the other day and thought about stepping aside from the crazy dream of mine…but I know I won’t give up. I was raised by two people who never let anyone tell them how to live and how to make a living so maybe thats a blessing and a curse. Im trying to pave my own way and its very different that anyone in my family which makes it also very hard to explain to them that I DO work all the time I just don’t get paid for it…yet. I was telling my friend Tyler the other day that I think I have some supernatural patience, waiting for things is something Im very bad and good at. Bad because I get trigger happy and loose my cool only to wind up wishing I had looked before I leaped. Good because my resilience and persistence is that of a lion, I love deeply, I care deeply and I believe in the beauty of life too much to let a little ugliness send me down the wrong path. 

Oh yea and Id like a companion, a nice man to ask me how my day was and cuddle me until we realize we haven’t left my bed in two days. Ive met a really nice one it just seems the universe is keeping us busy with our own lives so I don’t have a firm grasp of what it is yet. Lets not forget my rejection fears and all that other fun stuff that goes on in a lady’s head. Im trying to not think so much, play it cool man, act like your not freaking out on the inside. Im not very good at that and Im also hell bent on not apologizing and not buying into all those “dating” games. Im the type of gal where if I like you then Im going to show you, Im going to act like my weird self because if I don’t then it’ll come as a complete shock to any man of how big of a person I am. I don’t want someone I have to hide away from anymore, I used to and it never ended well for me. Again I try and act all “I don’t need a man, I like being alone” and I do but I really want this time to work. I want to show vulnerability and I want show that the door is open and Im not going to slam it in his face. 

I want to slam my own face in a door right now..

Im scared though…Im scared of a lot of things that people don’t see in me. Im scared that everyone is going to get sick of me and my life. Im scared people are going to stop believing in me and its going to turn into a emotional shit show. Im terrified of failing and having to start all over again. Sometimes I worry that all this sacrificing and chasing is going to leave me alone and successful which isn’t success to me. I worry that Im going to be single forever, and I worry that my career is becoming too much of everything. I worry about my friends thinking Im taking advantage of them because its been 2 years of this and in anyones eyes that should be enough time to figure out how to pay rent and do a job well.

I wish it was…I really really do. 

Its just not that easy when you just have yourself to pick things up again, but thats life and everyone else has their own battles to fight. I can choose to let peoples doubt take ahold of me and change what Im doing. I can choose to allow all the worries and fears shut me up and just make money and live. I won’t though, not after all the work Ive done and not after all the other people Ive had to walk away from because they couldn’t handle it or didn’t want to. What I can say is that when I see someone struggle, when I see a friend having a hard time I relate instantly. I try everything to lift them up or make their day a little easier because Ive been there too many times and had a lot of people make it their mission to kick me when Im down. I know the feelings so well I almost take on their stress as my own, it still amazes me that people are still so careless with other peoples feelings. It just takes a second to remember a time when you were like them and take actions to help wherever you can. 

Im going to attempt to slow my brain down and see if I can turn this day into a successful one rather then a string of anxiety attacks and self loathing. 

 

– Casey Jane aka Paper Bag Princess 

St Lucia – All Eyes on You
Seoul – Stay With Us