The thing between your ears, that lovely network of emotions and thoughts is a fickle thing when you don’t take care of it properly. I think I’ve run the tank dry after last week and it left me in a sea of sweat and a fun thing called night terrors. If you’ve ever experienced a night terror you’ll be well aware of the realness your subconscious can create. I’ve never been diagnosed with anything in the mental capacity, maybe it’s out of fear I might be a doctors pharmaceutical wet dream. In any case I woke up at 5am this morning in tears and screaming thinking I was back in my old Parkdale apartment with my ex, my old boss, and a tall native man with 24 kids holding a gun to my head.
You can imagine my first alive thought was “I’m fucking loosing it” and the worst part was that I found myself utterly alone with myself. My consciousness had cornered me in a situation I’ve been avoiding over the last couple days…myself. Last week was filled with a lot of alone time travelling to and from photography sets and studios. I gave and gave and gave without giving myself a breath of fresh air or time to ask myself how I was actually feeling. I just drowned that breath in alcohol and told myself to shut up and man up, grab my balls, ya know, all manly and shit…
If you know me that last statement is as far from who I am but is how I attempt to act most of the time. I’m a tough cookie but I’m overly sensitive to other peoples emotions and the lovely heart attacks life throws at me. I can go for a long time and work myself to the point where I just crash and burn in a fiery display of partying and lonely pizza pocket eating at 4am. It’s those ego/fear fuckers that jumped on my worn out soul the minute I let my guard down…
And I let it happen.
I’m taking it as another lesson learned that neglecting myself at this stage in my career and my life is NOT an option. It’s one thing to work hard but it’s another thing to let that hard work take over all the other important things in my life, like taking care of me. I’ve been such an asshole to myself lately just throwing myself around this city to distract the fact that I have my feelings hurt by life.
The funny part is that I’ve accomplished some crazy stuff last week as far as my styling. I worked with Laura Siegel one of my designer icons and got to meet the lovely lady at her studio. I got hired back as an on set stylist for another four harlequin shoots with a stylist I admire and a crew I adore. I made it to the second round of interviews for Holt Renfrew in their visual department and helped a dear friend move into a new place. Not to mention I did laundry for the first time in months. It’s crazy I have enough clothes to last me that long but I’ll tell ya I was starting to wear some wacky ass outfits by the end.
I even read over this post and want to smack myself over how hard I am on myself. However that’s the great part, that’s the good fight but it doesn’t fix the fact I’m still struggling with rent, I’m still in this weird limbo of slowly moving forward with some things and holding back on others. I keep telling myself it’s for the greater good, being patient and persistent will bring what I want into my life. It will, but the in between is a fucking lonely ass place to be especially when everyone else in my life are going through very different life changes.
All my friends seem to be having so many lovely life moments in the past little while as far as their personal lives. It’s that time in life where families are being formed, relationships are moving to new levels and here I am in the middle of it all genuinely happy and insanely lonely at the same time. I feel their love, I see it, I give it back but at the end of it all I walk away holding my own hand. I’m constantly on the run and it makes me laugh that I have such a handle on my career path but I’m driving drunk in my personal lane crashing into dates and dinners. I put on a good show I’ll give myself that, it’s a deranged thing my dating life and the way I have acted with men the last year. Its gotten to the point where I don’t want to fight for anyone anymore because I’ve lost that fight so many times before. Now you can reply to that with the idea that the right person will put up the fight. I guess I had my heart set on someone I thought I could take a chance on and it doesn’t seem to be working out that way. I have to be ok with that but god dammit I’d love to feel that spark again with someone. I’m just not about to settle on a fake flame for the sake of not having to be the third wheel all the time.
I’ve got a lot more writing to do today so I’m kind of happy it’s raining buckets outside. I do want to say thank you to everyone reading this blog, it’s sometimes therapeutic but it’s also a way of sharing the fact that I am human.
– Casey Jane