Lighting Fires in a Spring Dress

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The thing between your ears, that lovely network of emotions and thoughts is a fickle thing when you don’t take care of it properly. I think I’ve run the tank dry after last week and it left me in a sea of sweat and a fun thing called night terrors. If you’ve ever experienced a night terror you’ll be well aware of the realness your subconscious can create. I’ve never been diagnosed with anything in the mental capacity, maybe it’s out of fear I might be a doctors pharmaceutical wet dream. In any case I woke up at 5am this morning in tears and screaming thinking I was back in my old Parkdale apartment with my ex, my old boss, and a tall native man with 24 kids holding a gun to my head.
MORNING!!!!
You can imagine my first alive thought was “I’m fucking loosing it” and the worst part was that I found myself utterly alone with myself. My consciousness had cornered me in a situation I’ve been avoiding over the last couple days…myself. Last week was filled with a lot of alone time travelling to and from photography sets and studios. I gave and gave and gave without giving myself a breath of fresh air or time to ask myself how I was actually feeling. I just drowned that breath in alcohol and told myself to shut up and man up, grab my balls, ya know, all manly and shit…
If you know me that last statement is as far from who I am but is how I attempt to act most of the time. I’m a tough cookie but I’m overly sensitive to other peoples emotions and the lovely heart attacks life throws at me. I can go for a long time and work myself to the point where I just crash and burn in a fiery display of partying and lonely pizza pocket eating at 4am. It’s those ego/fear fuckers that jumped on my worn out soul the minute I let my guard down…
And I let it happen.
I’m taking it as another lesson learned that neglecting myself at this stage in my career and my life is NOT an option. It’s one thing to work hard but it’s another thing to let that hard work take over all the other important things in my life, like taking care of me. I’ve been such an asshole to myself lately just throwing myself around this city to distract the fact that I have my feelings hurt by life.
The funny part is that I’ve accomplished some crazy stuff last week as far as my styling. I worked with Laura Siegel one of my designer icons and got to meet the lovely lady at her studio. I got hired back as an on set stylist for another four harlequin shoots with a stylist I admire and a crew I adore. I made it to the second round of interviews for Holt Renfrew in their visual department and helped a dear friend move into a new place. Not to mention I did laundry for the first time in months. It’s crazy I have enough clothes to last me that long but I’ll tell ya I was starting to wear some wacky ass outfits by the end.
I even read over this post and want to smack myself over how hard I am on myself. However that’s the great part, that’s the good fight but it doesn’t fix the fact I’m still struggling with rent, I’m still in this weird limbo of slowly moving forward with some things and holding back on others. I keep telling myself it’s for the greater good, being patient and persistent will bring what I want into my life. It will, but the in between is a fucking lonely ass place to be especially when everyone else in my life are going through very different life changes.
All my friends seem to be having so many lovely life moments in the past little while as far as their personal lives. It’s that time in life where families are being formed, relationships are moving to new levels and here I am in the middle of it all genuinely happy and insanely lonely at the same time. I feel their love, I see it, I give it back but at the end of it all I walk away holding my own hand. I’m constantly on the run and it makes me laugh that I have such a handle on my career path but I’m driving drunk in my personal lane crashing into dates and dinners. I put on a good show I’ll give myself that, it’s a deranged thing my dating life and the way I have acted with men the last year. Its gotten to the point where I don’t want to fight for anyone anymore because I’ve lost that fight so many times before. Now you can reply to that with the idea that the right person will put up the fight. I guess I had my heart set on someone I thought I could take a chance on and it doesn’t seem to be working out that way. I have to be ok with that but god dammit I’d love to feel that spark again with someone. I’m just not about to settle on a fake flame for the sake of not having to be the third wheel all the time.

I’ve got a lot more writing to do today so I’m kind of happy it’s raining buckets outside. I do want to say thank you to everyone reading this blog, it’s sometimes therapeutic but it’s also a way of sharing the fact that I am human.

Everybody poops.

Xox

– Casey Jane

Robby Hecht – New York City
J Tillman – Make Me A Pallet On Your Floor
Lord Huron – Lonesome Dreams

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Miss Ego, Miss Fear and Me

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Ladies and Gentlemen Id like you to meet my ego, she’s not the best person in the world. She’s self entitled, believes she deserves so much more than what she actually works for and creates a lot of high expectations that I nor anyone else could reach. I also would like to introduce you to my fear, she’s a little shy, she puts up a lot of walls for me to climb over, and she brings up the past when I least need it.

Im writing about these two “personalities” because they are the stop signs Im trying to get rid of lately. I am a firm believer that we are all masters of our own disaster and the choices we make, the thoughts we think are all products of the world around us. Think about those mornings when you wake up and feel like shit, you then burn your toast, spill your coffee, get yelled at by someone and miss your streetcar. You wonder “WHY ME?” and its very simple, its because you are subconsciously letting your ego and fear take hold and literally map out your world in front of you. The more negative your day goes the more negative you get right? But what happens if you take a breath, shake it off and turn your mind around to being grateful and realizing that things really are not that bad? Well someone brings you a coffee, you get a text from someone you’ve been wanting to text you, and that streetcar waits a little to let you on.

The point is that its so easy to let these two emotions take over but its also easy to let them go and just allow things to unfold positively…easier said than done right? I don’t know how my ego and fear start, what triggers them, maybe its a defence mechanism that we all have. I know for me its the past me that keeps getting in the way of present me, its all those memories of hurt and rejection that sometimes keep me from moving forward with anything or anyone. It stops me from looking for work thats out of my comfort zone, it makes me put up a wall when I meet someone I actually want to get to know, and it puts my life in a spiral of self proclaimed disaster. Needless to say I hate when I snap out of it and see the damage its done, whether it be unemployment, little money, a lost chance with someone or a creative endeavour that slipped through my fingers. Its tough because my ego tells me its not my fault, this is the way it is and sometime soon everything will work out because I deserve it. I don’t and if anything I should shove that ego in a box and drown it in lake Ontario along with her little fear buddy. I know I write a lot bout going and getting what you want, taking risks, and believing in yourself. I sometimes think I should really read my own advice and actually apply it to myself, and I do…just not all the time, like in the past two weeks.

My roommate and best friend Kmo kinda pulled the plug on my plan of acting tough and knowing what I’m doing last night. We were talking about my dating life and a man I like. I was giving her the low down of my gradual doubt that I scared him off. The smack in the face part was when she brought up my demeanour with men, she wasnt surprised that maybe I gave off the wrong kind of energy unintentionally. She said she can see me get scared, its not the same me that would just be my confident happy self that I usually am with other people. I over think everything instead of just being me, I think maybe they thought my apartment was weird, maybe Im not ready because my career isn’t what I want it to be, and maybe because I don’t have everything figured out its just not going to happen right now. Ive been wanting to try and start something with someone for a couple months now, well Ive been back and forth on that one as well. My ego and fear seem to kick in the minute my heart starts to flicker for someone and they scream at me that Im going to get hurt like the last time, he can see that you’re damaged and he doesn’t want any part of your little disaster. I looked up at Kate and asked if I blew it again, I realized that my expectations of someone were only that of myself and in the end I am the only one that gets hurt. However she did say that if “man” likes me and saw a bit of who I am then maybe theres a chance…maybe I didn’t seem like a crazed old man standing on my porch with a shot gun yelling “GET OFF MY LAWN” realistically I should be yelling “IVE BEEN HURT AND IM SCARED AS FUCK BUT HEY I LIKE YOU”. Minus the shot gun and substitute a white handkerchief on a stick, that seems a little more inviting than the old man attitude. I want to be that white flag waving, risk taking lovely lady that I know I am. I want to be the lady that I am with my closest friends, the affectionate understanding gal that has no problem showing herself. Im just hoping that maybe I let my guard down just enough to show that Im so much more, I just need more time to fight off the two idiots in my head.

Ok now Im referring to my ego and fear as people in my head…
Im a little nuts but Im sweet nuts, like those candy coated cashews that you can get at bulk barn.

So my goal going forward is to actually listen to myself, read my own blog and take my own (and Kmo’s) advice to just be myself and stop letting my brain take me on a negative roller coaster. I used the roller coaster analogy because I actually black out on them every time and so now I avoid them, I’m not ¬†great companion for wonderland or any theme park.

Im now off to work in a pretty vintage store that is stocked with things I would love to have the bank to buy.

 

xox

Casey Jane

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