Just Call Me Whiskey in a Teacup

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photo 3 photo 4 photo 2 photo 1Winter has decided to stick around like an awful hangover fart.  It’s relentless this year and I think a lot of people are starting to actually loose their minds over it.  I get it,  I hate winter more than anyone.  I hate doing winter sports,  I hate wearing the same jacket and scarf combo everyday because seriously, who has the bank to have multiple winter outfits?  I hate not having a tan and not being able to enjoy smoking many cigarettes on a patio while non smokers gawk at how talented my lungs are. Regardless, we are in the home stretch, so just put the gun away and think thoughts of drinking in parks, playing leisure sports and becoming as tanned as possible.

Lately I’ve been doing a lot of back work, meaning I’m going over all my work,  figuring out the next steps and checking in with who I am at the moment.  Checking in with yourself is an important thing to do and I’ve learned that over and over again in the last year.  At this stage when everyone is functioning at an all time high (Jack Nicholson 1980’s high) in everything they do it’s easy to get swept up in something, before you know it you’ve got yourself into a situation that impulse seemed to have taken the wheel on.  I write a lot about everything that goes on in my head;  I call it downloading. Sometimes I write about what my future might look like, what I want to have and what I want to be doing. Sometimes I don’t write and just sit in my bed and eat toast but that’s OK too.  I like to write about what I want in my next relationship, want I want for myself and what steps do I have take to attract it.  I’m pretty sure the majority of us don’t ask ourselves these questions often but it’s so good to create a constant sounding board for yourself,  kinda like a funky homemade road map. The best part about writing your thoughts out is there are no limits to what you can write about.  I remember reading over one of my journals and realizing I had a complete plan on how to make a name for myself. The funny part was that this year I had unintentionally done a lot of the steps,  leaving out the step where I was supposed to sneak into a TIFF after party and stock  Channing Tatum…what? at least I thought it was a possibility at the time “thought” being the operative word.

I still have a long way to go but I’m in this really great time right now where I can develop the skills I need to get to the next set of goals. These goals all include not having to do my laundry in the sink, budgeting magnums of cheap wine, and paying my rent on the first of the month. Its been a struggle to not doubt myself.  Ive had my moments where I think I’m doing it all wrong.  I do know however that fucking up is OK to do at this stage.  I’m almost 27 and I know I have a long road of fuck ups and high fives ahead of me. I keep doing the little things and big things that move me forward to where I want to end up. I haven’t got a clear picture of where that might be but if I keep expanding on the work I’m doing now Ill be one happy lady.

The past couple weekends Ive spent running around the city with old friends and new friends filling my brain with the wonders of tipsy mingling. I really do love going out and meeting new people, I like hearing about peoples walk of life and I like being able to go to different bars and venues in this little big city we live in. I also got news that the Target campaign I worked on has been released and its plastered all over streetcars around Toronto…so that’s pretty neat.  I feel so grateful after having work be displayed like that, I know I worked hard to attract that opportunity and its just a nice reminder that I am getting better the longer I work at this Styling career, this creative profession that is leading into something bigger.

The one thing that stands out is myself, I know that sounds kinda egotistical but hear me out. I’ve only been on my own, actually on my own for a little over a year now and it’s a constant reminder of how someone can really learn to fit into the person they are supposed to be.  Being alone has taught me what I really value in my life, the people that are worth my values and the work that is right for me even if its fucking terrifying. No one is ever ready for the path they unintentionally walk down,  it’s being able to go with the flow and trust that the efforts and choices you make are all going toward a life you want.  I learned that you can’t be secretive about it,  you can’t be ashamed or doubt yourself about it because what if it works out?  What if you get that career, that position that you only dreamed about in the wee hours of the morning.

We are all scared of what we are capable of because honestly my loves we are capable of everything. That’s the fear, that we might just get everything we want with a lot of risk and a lot of hard work.  Don’t listen to those who have given up on such “silly” thoughts,  don’t get hesitant because you are swimming in a different pond,  it’s your pond and I assure you,  you’re supposed to be there.

Thats all from me this week, I hope you are all just as egar to get naked in the sun as I am!

 

xoxo

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Russian Roulette, Winter Insanity, and a Devine ability to hold it all together.

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It’s March guys, we’ve almost made it and I’m starting to want to off myself just to feel the warmth of a gun. Dramatic? Always, remember I have a vagina and I’m in my 20’s, therefore I have the ability to make everything a lot bigger than it actually is.
Right now I’m playing the waiting game for an interview that might change my entire life, it might make it somewhat normal. It’s creative and it’s corporate, like a painter wearing a Tom ford suit basically. A bi-weekly paycheque, benefits ( I won’t have to bribe my pharmacy for birth control) and the comforts of having a desk and a place of work everyday. So I’m in this weird limbo at the moment, which is normal for me almost four times a month. I love freelance when it’s good, but the times that it’s not are really starting to take its toll on my sanity and well being. Remember anytime when you lost your job or got laid off, now multiply that by 2 or 3 every single month, that is freelance in a nutshell. You ask any freelancer how hard it was starting out and I bet they have horror stories of going into debt, eating only pasta, and developing some form of depression or anxiety. It’s not easy and it never gets easier it just becomes a way of doing what you love on your own terms but it comes at a hefty cost to your social life, financial state and personal well being. I’m still a rookie freelancer, it’s been almost 2 years since I started and I’ve come a long long way for someone who made a complete 360 in their life.
I’m tired and I’m aching for stability like a heroine addict in rehab. I want nice things, I want my clothes to not have holes in them, I want to pay rent on time, and I want to be able to take a fucking vacation like everyone else. Most of my friends have already seen the world, taken amazing trips and seen amazing things. I always had to stay put because taking 2 weeks off meant I’d either loose my clientele or loose my apartment. The funny part is that I know my life is supposed to be like this right now, I knew the sacrifices when I got into this crazy industry. I chose to do this so that in a couple years from now I’ll have the career I want, I’ll have the things I want and I’ll have the drive and dedication it takes to be successful…
But FUCK ME it’s hard sometimes.
It doesn’t help that we’ve had one of the worst winters I’ve ever experienced. Everyone is at a fine line of either wanting to off themselves on the freeway or off the person in front of them at the bank because they breath weird. Everyone needs an escape right now, whether it be alcohol, drugs, late night tindering, or all of the above. I’ve had my fair share of all of them in last month or so mainly because all my friends are employed, in a relationship, or on medication to curve the winter blues. It’s a lot easier to get by in this weather with a partner you can make deal with your bitching and refusal to shave because you don’t want to loose precious body heat.
I recently joined the newest single dating platform Tinder, yes it’s like playing Russian roulette with your vagina, or grocery shopping for dick. If you are happily in a relationship I shall describe the vanity of our generations attempt to find a partner our attention spans might settle on for more than one night. You make your profile of your best pictures, you laughing, looking adorable, drinking, and one that has about 4 photo filters laid over top of it. You then write a little sentence about yourself, for example; I like eating pizza pockets for breakfast! listening to “Call on me” by Eric Prydz while in a leotard, and avoiding responsibility for my vulgar vocabulary. As you can see I am currently cleaning up on potential life mates…I can’t take anything seriously. Now once you’ve done that your ready to start the epic Nope swiping for hours until one handsome man comes up on your screen. Once swiped “Liked” you patiently wait until the other person might find your weird ass attractive and if they do, a message board pops up. This is the point where you figure out whether your going to commit some quality time to get to know this person OR meet up at 3am for sex and the awkward after math of “Ill call you” or “I have an early meeting so you should leave” (this is the Russian roulette part because let’s face it your trusting a photograph and a text message feed). Magical isn’t it? Truly romantic, however sometimes you luck out and find a really nice guy that likes it when you laugh way too loud, forget to wear a bra, and bring a half drank 12 dollar 2 litre bottle of red wine over…
These are just examples…
ok I might have done all these things…
With the same guy…
He still called for a second date though so either he’s slightly autistic or I’m actually entertaining. That’s how it all works and I think it’s genius in a city where you can literally go through all you guy friends friends in less than 2 months. It gives you the chance to meet someone you would never get a chance to meet at a bar or at a social event. It breaks down the barriers of your job industry, the dance parties you go to and the neighbourhoods everyone seems to stick to. It also cuts out the late night booty calls you keep in your phone for those extra self loathing drunk nights. You know the ones, the guy that you can’t stand to hear talk but can throw you around like a rag doll, the sweetheart you constantly fuck with, and the douche bag that calls you kiddo even though they are only 2 years older.
I suggest anyone wanting to expand their single experience give it a try, if anything it’ll let you figure out what you want and what you should stay away from. It’s also a nice ego booster on nights when your eating Mac and cheese in sweatpants and some handsome man matches with you…he’ll never know that you just used your shirt as a napkin, because you didn’t, right?

That’s it for me Lovelies, hang in there!

Tunes

Eric Prydz – Call on Me
Whitney Houston – I Wanna Dance with Somebody
Good Old War – Amazing Eyes
Wild Cub – Thunder Clatter