I know you’re all aching to hear my opinion on tomorrow’s holiday, Valentines day…the dreaded or coveted day of love. I always wanted to get into it especially because my last long term relationship all started on a first date on this day 6 years ago. I liked celebrating it as the years went by, showing my love and affection for the one I called my own. Now that chapter is in the past and I have somewhat of a different view on the whole thing. I bumped into my ex the other day, we don’t see each other much and that’s half my fault for letting the hurt and heartbreak take over any chance of salvaging a friendship. It was sad to see us so distant with each other, I could feel the last years distance. It’s so strange to feel like a complete stranger to someone I almost tied the knot with, but that’s how life can be with time. I still care for him and I still hope he’s living the life he wants regardless if I’m just a reminder of a really great chunk of years, at least I hope I’m a good memory and not a bad one. I hope he’s found love in himself as I’m still working on that for myself.
Now as I sit here and type in my underwear and a dirty sweater I am excited to spend this day of love with a dear friend, a French bulldog and a fuck load of pad Thai. I guess I can be pretty bitter at times especially to my roommate who is newly smitten with a fantastic gentlemen, they make me want to barf into my hand bag. It happened so quickly for her and I couldn’t be happier because she deserves it but I can’t help feel jealous as I stumble through the door from a one night stand or sneak out of my room with the idea I had a great date and he’s totally going to call me again. I get told sometimes that I project a very non committal energy when I meet someone and I have this problem with jumping the gun and listening to my lady parts more than my lady brain. Maybe deep down that’s all I can really handle, which is bizarre as I’ve always been a relationship person. I think what I’ve learned over the past year is that I’m meant to wait a little longer, I can’t settle on simple, and I certainly can’t settle on a “Yea he was cool” mindset. I need to be blown away instantly and the feeling needs to be instantly mutual or else, like most things it just fizzles out.
The moral of the story is that after all this time I’m still so wrapped up in trying to make a successful career that the universe just doesn’t have the space to send me a Romeo. That’s fine, I’d rather get to a point where I know myself inside and out and be ready to dive into something. Until then I have amazing friends that keep me grounded and except the fact that I’m half nuts and still searching for a purpose. I may not have a boyfriend but I have many guy friends that fill that void, the best part is that I know they will always be there for me, this year especially I’ve been lucky enough to realize that my love is indeed coming back to me with those boys. They bring me out to dance when I’m down, they make me laugh, and they generally want me in their lives. It’s pretty amazing being a dudes girl and its also amazing having the raunchy girlfriends I am happy to call sisters. We are all in this together and at a time in our lives where we depend on it even though we don’t like to admit it sometimes. I love knowing that if any of them had a problem or just need a cheer up I’d be there in a heart beat as would they. It reminds me of a time when I got laid off from a job that I really put all my heart into, I was crushed but I didn’t want to let on how hurt I was. My friend Tyler put me on guest list to one of his famous parties at The Boat in Kensington. I showed up with my pal Branko and went directly to the DJ booth to give hugs and kisses. Tyler instantly asked me how I was doing. I shrugged and told the short story of it all, he looked at me with his jaw dropped and gave me a giant hug in disbelief. He went on to say that if anyone, I would get back up and own it all over again. He handed me two drink tickets and got excited about my upcoming look book shoot that he’s modelling for, said I was going to make waves and we started to dance in happy succession.
He didn’t know it at the time but that was what I needed, someone who has opened his arms to our friendship in the last year and honestly knew what my potential was. That is an incredibly humbling experience, realizing that people believe in you and know better than yourself that success is just around the corner. I’ve been picked up like this from all my boys, I remember being in tears in my room and being found by Pat who spent the night cheering me up because he didn’t like the idea of me being alone. All these little things I hold very close to me and they are among many of the reasons I don’t give up.
So that’s what I’d like to celebrate tomorrow, the love for my friends, I’d be dead without them and I wouldn’t push myself so hard if I didn’t have the drive to spoil them rotten one day. I might not get flowers, a card, an expensive night out, but I’ll know that I have love for the rest of my life from those I’ve chose to call friends.
Happy Valentines day to my girls Kmo, Meghan, Sarah, Cat, Shaina, Steph, Ellen, Evely and Shawna. You girls are my spirit animals and I love your craziness, your drive, your love for life and for me.
Happy Valentines day to my boys Branko, Andrew, Tyler, Pat, Aaron, Joel, Brook, and Justin. You boys make my life, I’ll do anything for you and I can’t imagine anyone else I’d want to skinny dip, dance, play board games and drink with.
I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!
Hang in there my single friends and to my relationship loves, keep doing whatever your doing and remember to tell your significant how much they mean to you.
– Casey Jane