Getting blind sided by circumstances that you’re completely used to is one ass fucking and a complete contradiction to making a life for yourself. We are all creatures of habit and comfort to the degree where we became drunk off it and don’t realize what we are doing until that fourteenth shot seems like a great solution. Just patterns that run through us, dating the same people in different costumes, getting the same jobs with different incentives, and making the same mistakes with different consequences. The major ego rape was when I realized that I am the only one responsible for the choices I make and the situations that arise around me, I oddly enough attracted that. My coach who I think I’ve given enough brain aneurisms to make him clinically insane always tells me to get myself out of the way. We react from our deep rooted comforts and habits, what he means is the take all that away, get everything you emotionally render, everything you instinctively run back too as far away from your consciousness. It clouds our potential…apparently because I’ve been trying to do this for over a year now and, in the moment of fear, I slip right back into a manic scramble of old habits and lots of break downs.
There’s nothing worse then having to hyperventilate into a paper bag you just bought your muffin in. It’s frustrating for me because everyone that’s close to me seems to “know” I’ll be ok and I am so greatful for it but then how come I don’t think I’ll be ok? Nobody else seems to doubt the choices I make and the life I lead, even the ones that see the tolls it takes on me. Should I have more faith in myself? It’s tough when you don’t go the way your taught to go, it’s tough when you do what you want, it’s like a members club where you have to pay a fee every month for being able to be there. Maybe I’m whining, maybe I’m doing it all fucking wrong because when I see people doing what they love and my age…I just wonder how they got there, was it school? Was it a wizard?
I guess the learning is that it doesn’t matter, they are not you and never will be, it’s circumstance and has nothing to do with whoever you are. I get caught up in career envy, I fantasize about just going to work in a studio, in a costume department, my own shop, waking up every morning and knowing what I have to do and where I have to be. That’s a fantasy I have daily, is that not completely crazy? I don’t dream about a nice car, a big house, a huge wardrobe, or a glamorous lifestyle. I dream about going to work everyday with purpose, knowing I get to create, knowing I get to work with like minded talented people. I dream about stability, being able to get myself a massage, get my hair cut, maybe take one of my girlfriends out to dinner, pay my bills on time. Little things that I’d love the luxury to do and the fun part is that it’s all up to me, I have to figure this out but…I also have to learn to ask for help, because I never do. I’m so stubborn to it, I feel like I’m a burden on whomever I’m asking and I think that’s a real problem
I need help on a lot of things, I need help with money, I need help with resources and finding jobs, I need guidance as to what the best steps are to take in my situation. I guess all it really come down to is how willing am I to not only ask and but seek help…I love when I answer my own questions within two sentences. There’s always this thought that happens directly after I make a statement like that, “what if it just is what it is and I should just be”?
I mean Buddha seemed to have a great fulfilling life and that guy barely left his apartment! Okay maybe he flew around on a cloud of enlightenment but in all fairness I just get so bored sitting around. Am I just a victim of our generation? Plagued with being incredibly impatient, self entitled, and over dramatic. I feel like older generations constantly laugh at our predicaments, like white people problems only we feel like we are the only ones who have ever struggled in the history of strugglers. It’s perspective I guess but I do know that a lot of it is just me growing up and trying to place myself somewhere within the masses to not only stand out but live with purpose. That takes time that I don’t give myself enough of, I think I’m so hard wired to go go go and just react on survival mode that I don’t just sit and process everything. I feel like someone is going to cut the rope I’m walking on if I don’t do something immediately. Even as I write this I wonder if I’m the only one feeling like this, if this is going to be read over and thought of as crazy woman babble.
I’m trying, I’m trying really hard to see the me that everyone else sees…it’s kind of embarrassing to admit it in writing but I’ve never been really good at believing in myself, I just always took people’s word for it. That’s another thing about being an artist, if your not making it, being paid for it, it’s really hard to considered yourself amazing, brave, and beautiful. I think that’s what fuels the constant drive to become what we want to become, so that one day we can believe what people tell us, but for ourselves.
And that’s all I’m gonna say about that.
– Casey Jane