Yet again its been about 2 weeks…maybe more since I last wrote a post and yet again I find myself wheeling out from a few life changes. That’s how it goes at this stage, one small change makes a rippling effect that takes you from one place to another. I’m accepting it and taking the blows with more ease than I used to, it’s all meant to happen and when it’s the right thing, oh how fast you’ll move into that direction. I’m sure learning how to let go, sometimes I think I don’t put in more of a fight when maybe I should. I’ve seen myself give up on people really quickly in the last year and maybe some weren’t worth it but I always wonder if maybe I needed to fight harder with others. I just gathered that when someone doesn’t bring the same level of effort to the table than why bother continuing to set a place for two? You’ll always end up eating alone most of the time. This isn’t just with my pathetic love life, this also has to do with business and my work, its exhausting giving so much to something only to have it leave you in the end. However the failure is when you let it stop you, you dwell and drag it out in your mind when realistically you should dust yourself off and start up again. My dad always taught me that, the amount of times that man failed and rebuilt is incredible and now he’s happily retired living 6 months of the year on a boat in the Caribbean. He never gave up and he learned from a lot of his mistakes, the thing that really makes me admire my dad is that he was never afraid to admit he failed, ever. He owned up to his choices and just went back at it because he had a dream of retiring and spending his days on the water. He did it for himself and he also did it so that my brother and I could understand that success is not given its earned.
I’m a crazy work horse, I literally will work myself into the ground when I have a deadline or just need to get myself to a next level in my career. I can feel it coming on, its this urgency that makes butterflies in my stomach and I become tunneled with whatever it may be. This morning after a night of cold sweats and tosses I woke up feeling like a kettle that was about to start whistling. I spent the whole streetcar ride mapping out my photo shoot for sailor parc vests, I then switched to different design ideas, the shop, and by the time I got to work my brain was on over drive. I feel like a crazy person sometimes because I literally am not on the planet when Im thinking about sailor parc and what I dream it will be. All day long I’m looking at products I want to sell in the shop, the way the space will look, envisioning my day to day, even down to the way the bell sounds when someone comes in. I’m planning every detail in order to write a solid business proposal to receive grants. From what I’ve been taught, the more you believe in something the better the chances are that it will become real. I just want to be the maker and creator of my own life in all forms, I’ve been hardwired to live my life the way I want and so to give up now would only land me in a nut house when I’m older. I don’t think I’m capable of giving up on this, which is nice but also in my head “fuck” plays out a lot because I know I really don’t have a choice in the matter. I’ve chosen a tough way to make a living with a payout that could potentially be incredible or incredibly faulty…and I thought I wasn’t a gambling gal.
In other news my apartment is becoming more of an adult space lately then a funny farm of 90’s music, booze and wild women..although its still a once a week occurrence that I’ve come to terms with. Branko, our month house guest has had a front row seat into the female living habits and I think we either disgust, amaze and confuse him on a daily basis. The amount of hair spray, underwear and wine the guy comes home to would make any male wonder what freaky hell/heaven he walked in on. Kmo and I are a rare breed of women who look like sweet normal ladies, spend one night in our company and you quickly see that veil drop in an instance. We are like a jack in the box that has pretty floral wrapping only to discover once popped a crazy haired, loud mouthed female asking you if you want your whiskey on ice or neat.
Love life…I don’t know, but actually I have realized that I don’t know what I’m doing when it comes to making a date turn into another one, however that classic fuckin line “He’s just not that into you” echo’s in my head constantly. We always try and make an excuse for someone just not that interested, as women especially. Maybe I have a warning sign blinking in man language above my head saying “FUCKING RUN BRO” or like one of my pals suggested that maybe because I’m such a loser at being single it just may take the right guy to stick around. I just don’t understand the games, and maybe the fact that there are games is a sign that it wasn’t worth it in the beginning. For me, where I’m at right now, if I like you I’m going to tell you regardless of the rejection and the EPIC amount of patience it takes to not “come on too strong”. I’m naturally an impulsive person so when it comes to feelings I just know them and I act on them and that can be a bad thing to balance in a dating scene filled with endless communication outlets and the growing realization that our generation really has forgotten how to date…makes me miss the home phone and makes me think maybe I’m the only one that’s lost on this one. Then again another line comes to mind “You want what you can’t have” and maybe that’s the enticing part that I keep chasing because there have been a few occasions in the past where I have had a chance to make something with someone and ran for the hills.
Im gonna continue just being the lovely mess that I am and stop trying to figure out my relationship status…it’ll happen when its supposed to which might be years…
I’m going to be making a lot of vests…
Thats all from me today Loves,
Also the pictures above are indeed my vests, these are the first series and I’m currently working away at 6 more styles all in bespoke fabric. I decided starting out I would make one of a kind until I can get enough fabric stock to start offering different materials. Custom will still be available and ill provide fabric splotches.
Ugh….I have a lot of work to do my loves…and is it strange that I’m happy about it?
Here’s some tunes