Right now I’m sitting in my empty apartment, in my bed writing for the first time in two weeks…life’s been a bit unbalanced lately and I’m making a valiant effort to change this. The last two weeks I’ve been working everyday on either my styling career, my sewing, or my not so part time job dressing women in local designers. I’ve had to step it up to make up for a slow two months however like my life seems to go, it didn’t just rain, it poured. I got hired to style a Down With Webster music video that had me in the back of a cube van in minus 8 degrees weather. Luckily I had an amazing crew and everyone eventually got to seek refuge in a church where we set up base for the rest of the shooting. It felt so good to be back on set and shortly after that I assisted another four harlequin novel shoots the following week. There were some mornings where I had to double check which job I was going to that day and some had three jobs in a 14 hour run…I drank far too much red wine and smoked too many cigarettes at midnight than I want to admit during those weeks.
On my down time I sit at home and sew wondering where my social life went, I have become a workaholic with the constant feeling I’m not going very far. I feel like I’m stretching myself too thin and even though I’m busy I’m not actually feeling myself moving forward in the direction that I want. The funny thing is that I know I’m changing a lot lately internally, I’m starting to actually stand by the things I believe in, I’m acting on the feelings I feel and I’m walking away from things that don’t make me feel good. I still feel a little like I’m testing out a new hardware inside my head and I surprise myself with my new thinking pattern. I really like having my alone time, I think I really need that time to check in with myself, to make sure I’m doing what I want to do and being who I want to be. I really depend on myself these days and its an amazing thing, I don’t crave someone to look after me and I don’t expect it. It sounds cheesy but if I got into a relationship any time soon all I would want would be to be wanted and not needed. That’s realistically what I’ve been looking for, someone who really just wants a companion in their life not someone to look after. I’ve learned from my past that in order to find the right person and be ready for them you have to know yourself and be happy with being who you are. Having ambition I think really helps with moving a relationship forward, another thing I learned is that if you don’t move forward in your own life that connection with someone won’t move either. You have to be honest, you have to be willing to put yourself out there and risk that terrifying thought of it not working out because it just might work, life’s funny like that. Everyone is scared, everyone has a little baggage but being able to let that go and really get to know a person is a pretty lovely thing. It’s something I spent months avoiding and it only left me feeling empty and more lonely. I always thought telling someone how you felt even if it was just a little hint of something was best expressed in subtle mind games and flirtatious encounters when realistically it’s easier just to tell them, ya know that whole truth thing. It’s easier just to say it and I know some of you are swallowing hard at the thought of this but coming from experience its not that bad. Sure I felt sick to my stomach for a short time, I smoked three cigarettes in a row before hand, I felt like the biggest dork on the face of the planet…but I was a honest dork and I’m fine with that. Things move so fast in life that sometimes you miss your chance, it turns into a regret and you’re stuck with this little piece of you that asks “what if”?
These are just a few things that have been on my mind lately. I’ve been going over things that I want in my life for 2014 and its really making me shift my actions and where I want to put my time and effort. Maybe even who I want to be with, I mean I can’t really choose, nobody can and that’s the magic of two people coming together. It’s that effortless dance that you do with someone that doesn’t seemed pushed, doesn’t seem overwhelming, just a lovely natural comfort in each others company. That to me is worth the work I do on myself, to comfortably be able to allow that dance to happen and I think I’m starting to warm up to the idea. But again I’m a hopeless romantic and ill keep spending my days building my own castle until time thinks I’m ready to have a guest over. The nice thing is that lately I’ve been feeling more open than I have in years, I’m feeling like taking more chances with the way I feel and not pushing them down and calling them silly. I’m already a pretty silly woman, I can never seem to control what comes out of my mouth sometimes, I’m very impulsive however I have this idea that those impulsive actions lead to good things…most of the time. I’m not second guessing myself anymore and I know if I feel something it either needs to be said or expressed regardless of the outcome because at least then I know I was a complete moron or I was hitting the nail on the head.
Things at the apartment have been as crazy as they’ve ever been with lots of lady night wine shit shows, a collective of Kate moments which include finding her passed out in her coat at a bar, her spilling wine on my bed more times then I bothered to count and many “surprise” farts which I still think are strategically planned. We have our dearest pal Branko staying with us again which has been awesome since he’s been on the road for the past month with his band Dinosaur Bones and Brendan Canning. I don’t how he goes from living on the road that long to having to come back to “real” life and get back to all the other things he does around town. He’s such a positive friend to have around and I think this time in our lives everybody needs a little help from their friends. I love that I will look back on this time and smile knowing I had the most creative, hilarious, loving friends around me that helped me gain the energy I needed to do what I love and make my life meaningful. That’s really what we are all searching for, something meaningful, maybe go as far as everything meaningful. Have that home that makes you want to go home to, have those friends that make you want to always call on, have that companion you never get tired of loving more, and have that career you built for yourself out of passion and purpose. That’s life for me, that’s the dream and I am closer to it than I ever have been. I might have a ways to go but I can see it unfolding even in the craziness of making mistakes it’s all adding up to a very amazing sum.
I don’t know about any of you but I’m so excited for 2014, it’s the launch pad year for all of us that have gone through so much change in the last couple years. I can finally close the door on a lot of things and use the skills, contacts, and experience I worked so hard to get to make my life exactly the way I want it. It’s all possible, and yes in about 5 days ill come back on here and write about how fucking hard this all is and that I’m spending the next week on my couch eating pad Thai and proclaiming I’m going to be single forever. Lets not forget that I am a woman and therefore insane and furthermore a constant roller coaster of accomplishments and onset heart palpitations in social situations and domestic responsibilities. No more should have done thats, fuck off to could haves and would do’s, it’s all pointless phrases that only hold us back from being who we want to be. This year I want to be even more fearless, I want to be smarter with my time and build on things that really matter, kick the other shit to the curb. It’s time to become a semi adult making creatively responsible decisions and I say semi adult because let’s get real I still play dress up at least once a week and I smoke pot in order to clean my house…the whole adult thing is still pending.
Well Ill leave you with this quote my mentor said to me about a year ago…
Do the things you always dreamed you could do because everything in this life started as just a dream.
Happy Friday Lovelies
– Casey Jane