What’s going on in life is a tango between work and attempting to not internally explode with questions that every female suffers from at least once a week…
“What the fuck am I doing?”
I feel like I have two heads sometimes that are completely different…wait is that just onset of psychosis or is this another woman thing that I’m becoming aware of? I’m constantly over thinking make believe things and playing out beneficial almost impossible scenarios in my head. I sometimes think my brain operates in a different language and the bain of my existence lately is trying to translate its monologues and dialogues. I also believe everyone that I attract around me are in similar mind fucks, it’s like we all have this other realm we are existing in outside of our daily encounters but we don’t know how to sync them together…because isn’t that the goal? Isn’t this whole life business a dream we constantly try and make real? Every year trying to collect little dreams that stay with us until we wake up in it feeling like we won the prize of a life lived with purpose.
I’ve been burning the candle at both ends lately and had the wax evaporate Saturday night with an abdominal nightmare that felt like rabid wombats were throwing a party inside me. This is a result of over working and over emotionalizing throughout the week. I had my giant look book shoot for Handsome&Lace last week that had my entire heart and souls attention. I’ve never done such satisfying and amazing work like I did during this shoot, we had such an amazing team including Jane & Jane Photography, Amanda Blair Robson on make up and hair, and all our models who happened to be gentlemen Keira and I personally know. Our fellas were genuine, funny and up for trying anything, they really brought everything Keira and I wanted to the table including their wardrobe, I was very impressed with the clothes I got to style. For the past month Keira and I have been trying to figure out a new name for the dreaded tag of Hipster, funny enough that whole culture kinda speaks to the both of us as artists, designers and entrepreneurs and I think our generation is more connected in our personalities then we think. We looked up derivatives of the word gentlemen but nothing connected the word to our actual life styles and then the shoot happened. We were all hanging out chatting about this topic and one of our guys Scott started talking about men in our generation and how they do have the qualities of a classic gentlemen but most of them don’t have the wallet and expense card. They have the humble hearts but have a hard time balancing that with career ambitions and just living their lives the way they want. I looked over at Keira and she was laughing saying “like degenerate gentlemen” and I as I do I mashed the words in my head and just as I did Keira followed with “Degentlemen” and that was that, we found our word. You may think degenerate as a negative but honestly as far as society goes we are kinda the anti Christ, both guys and gals in their twenties right now want something different. We want to work for ourselves, we want to do what we want, and we want to enjoy our lives with people that mean a lot to us. However we hold on to the values and sense our parents taught us, opening the doors for people, saying thank you, and supporting the things we believe in, that’s the gentlemen part and I see it every one of my closest guy friends and even guys I’m attracted to, they all have this natural humbleness. Needless to say it was a really rewarding day and I’m so grateful for the talented people I constantly get to be around, I feel spoiled everyday and it keeps my heart believing I’m going in the right direction and meeting the people that I’m supposed to meet, it’s magic.
Life in the apartment has been filled with non stop female banter and dress up, now that it’s unacceptable to wear anything but a coat with enough dead geese in it to fill a Hudson’s bay change room. We all just hangout in our living room and stage photo shoots. That’s normal mid twenties behaviour right? The photos above are from throughout last week when one or more of our girlfriends popped by for some good old lady chats while dressing up like princesses and flapper girls…again totally normal behaviour. It’s funny listening to the conversations we have and realizing that some problems, fears, feelings are universal yet we get so wrapped up into thinking no one understands what it’s like. We personalize them according to who it concerns, who’s currently making us crazy, who’s currently being missed, who’s currently making us weak in the knees, and who’s currently on the avoid at all costs list. Now that we are older I can see all of us listening to each other a little more. I mean we are all stubborn in our own way but we really trust each others opinions and I feel like reaching out to them helps get ourselves out of our own way. I think we are all learning to be nicer to ourselves from seeing and hearing from everyone of us about all the dramatic shit we put ourselves through. The over thinking, the guilt trips, the lying and hiding of our real feelings, the second guessing and the fear of rejection. We are all guilty of making decisions based on what other people might think and at some point you have to just fuck it and do whats actually good for yourself. Go get what you want which is easier said than done I know because I’m faced with this a lot lately. However Ive learned and maybe not quite fully practiced that the right people that matter will always stay and the ones that were never meant to wont.
When you have years behind you with someone it’s a really great bond, you are their outside perspective based on how well they know you and how much they care. Kate and I have gotten even closer since we’ve moved in together, we even share a birth control prescription…ok that’s mainly because we are both broke and it’s cheaper to buy a 3 pack. Another great thing is now that we live together it’s brought our other long term girlfriends closer as our apartment seems to be the ladies headquarters. I’m not surprised as we have a full costume trunk and cheap wine. I love how my apartment is the place to let yourself go and have fun, play like a kid again. I can’t wait until one day my kids find these photos and are not surprised because they walked in on their dear mum and all their aunts dressed up like flapper girls the night before. My husband is going to be something kinda wonderful to sign up for a life long tradition like that, however I’m sure he’ll have his own fucked up male traditions of his own.
That whole chapter of my life seems to be running its own path, I’m just letting whatever happens happens at this point. As far as I know the right person has always just appeared clearly and I don’t think I have the right prescription of glasses to see them yet. I’m so wrapped up in myself the guy would literally have to set off fireworks for me to clue in, all I can think about is my work and how I want my life to be. This is hilarious because when I’m sewing or doing any of the many things I do I’m always day dreaming about “the guy” that I’ve made up in my head, sometimes not made up. I just think I’m far too passionate and committed to my work to really connect with anyone, unless I met someone with the same level to their own work. It’s a sexy thing when your drive matches that of the person sitting across from you, it adds this balanced confidence that takes the need to impress each other out of the equation.
But yea…we’ll leave it at that for now, ill just continue to sit in this cafe while making weird writing faces until the large amounts of caffeine kick in and ill need to walk it off so I don’t freak Kate out when I get home…she might think I’m on PCP.
Also if anyone is in the Roncevalles area Wednesday night Ill be helping Rachelle of Hawkeyes with their holiday shopping block party. It’s a night of shopping and drinking so come by to 103 Roncy and hangout with me 🙂 You can find all the information here on Hawkeyes website
Here’s some tunes for ya