Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda Dance

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Right now I’m sitting in my empty apartment, in my bed writing for the first time in two weeks…life’s been a bit unbalanced lately and I’m making a valiant effort to change this. The last two weeks I’ve been working everyday on either my styling career, my sewing, or my not so part time job dressing women in local designers. I’ve had to step it up to make up for a slow two months however like my life seems to go, it didn’t just rain, it poured. I got hired to style a Down With Webster music video that had me in the back of a cube van in minus 8 degrees weather. Luckily I had an amazing crew and everyone eventually got to seek refuge in a church where we set up base for the rest of the shooting. It felt so good to be back on set and shortly after that I assisted another four harlequin novel shoots the following week. There were some mornings where I had to double check which job I was going to that day and some had three jobs in a 14 hour run…I drank far too much red wine and smoked too many cigarettes at midnight than I want to admit during those weeks.
On my down time I sit at home and sew wondering where my social life went, I have become a workaholic with the constant feeling I’m not going very far. I feel like I’m stretching myself too thin and even though I’m busy I’m not actually feeling myself moving forward in the direction that I want. The funny thing is that I know I’m changing a lot lately internally, I’m starting to actually stand by the things I believe in, I’m acting on the feelings I feel and I’m walking away from things that don’t make me feel good. I still feel a little like I’m testing out a new hardware inside my head and I surprise myself with my new thinking pattern. I really like having my alone time, I think I really need that time to check in with myself, to make sure I’m doing what I want to do and being who I want to be. I really depend on myself these days and its an amazing thing, I don’t crave someone to look after me and I don’t expect it. It sounds cheesy but if I got into a relationship any time soon all I would want would be to be wanted and not needed. That’s realistically what I’ve been looking for, someone who really just wants a companion in their life not someone to look after. I’ve learned from my past that in order to find the right person and be ready for them you have to know yourself and be happy with being who you are. Having ambition I think really helps with moving a relationship forward, another thing I learned is that if you don’t move forward in your own life that connection with someone won’t move either. You have to be honest, you have to be willing to put yourself out there and risk that terrifying thought of it not working out because it just might work, life’s funny like that. Everyone is scared, everyone has a little baggage but being able to let that go and really get to know a person is a pretty lovely thing. It’s something I spent months avoiding and it only left me feeling empty and more lonely. I always thought telling someone how you felt even if it was just a little hint of something was best expressed in subtle mind games and flirtatious encounters when realistically it’s easier just to tell them, ya know that whole truth thing. It’s easier just to say it and I know some of you are swallowing hard at the thought of this but coming from experience its not that bad. Sure I felt sick to my stomach for a short time, I smoked three cigarettes in a row before hand, I felt like the biggest dork on the face of the planet…but I was a honest dork and I’m fine with that. Things move so fast in life that sometimes you miss your chance, it turns into a regret and you’re stuck with this little piece of you that asks “what if”?
These are just a few things that have been on my mind lately. I’ve been going over things that I want in my life for 2014 and its really making me shift my actions and where I want to put my time and effort. Maybe even who I want to be with, I mean I can’t really choose, nobody can and that’s the magic of two people coming together. It’s that effortless dance that you do with someone that doesn’t seemed pushed, doesn’t seem overwhelming, just a lovely natural comfort in each others company. That to me is worth the work I do on myself, to comfortably be able to allow that dance to happen and I think I’m starting to warm up to the idea. But again I’m a hopeless romantic and ill keep spending my days building my own castle until time thinks I’m ready to have a guest over. The nice thing is that lately I’ve been feeling more open than I have in years, I’m feeling like taking more chances with the way I feel and not pushing them down and calling them silly. I’m already a pretty silly woman, I can never seem to control what comes out of my mouth sometimes, I’m very impulsive however I have this idea that those impulsive actions lead to good things…most of the time. I’m not second guessing myself anymore and I know if I feel something it either needs to be said or expressed regardless of the outcome because at least then I know I was a complete moron or I was hitting the nail on the head.
Things at the apartment have been as crazy as they’ve ever been with lots of lady night wine shit shows, a collective of Kate moments which include finding her passed out in her coat at a bar, her spilling wine on my bed more times then I bothered to count and many “surprise” farts which I still think are strategically planned. We have our dearest pal Branko staying with us again which has been awesome since he’s been on the road for the past month with his band Dinosaur Bones and Brendan Canning. I don’t how he goes from living on the road that long to having to come back to “real” life and get back to all the other things he does around town. He’s such a positive friend to have around and I think this time in our lives everybody needs a little help from their friends. I love that I will look back on this time and smile knowing I had the most creative, hilarious, loving friends around me that helped me gain the energy I needed to do what I love and make my life meaningful. That’s really what we are all searching for, something meaningful, maybe go as far as everything meaningful. Have that home that makes you want to go home to, have those friends that make you want to always call on, have that companion you never get tired of loving more, and have that career you built for yourself out of passion and purpose. That’s life for me, that’s the dream and I am closer to it than I ever have been. I might have a ways to go but I can see it unfolding even in the craziness of making mistakes it’s all adding up to a very amazing sum.
I don’t know about any of you but I’m so excited for 2014, it’s the launch pad year for all of us that have gone through so much change in the last couple years. I can finally close the door on a lot of things and use the skills, contacts, and experience I worked so hard to get to make my life exactly the way I want it. It’s all possible, and yes in about 5 days ill come back on here and write about how fucking hard this all is and that I’m spending the next week on my couch eating pad Thai and proclaiming I’m going to be single forever. Lets not forget that I am a woman and therefore insane and furthermore a constant roller coaster of accomplishments and onset heart palpitations in social situations and domestic responsibilities. No more should have done thats, fuck off to could haves and would do’s, it’s all pointless phrases that only hold us back from being who we want to be. This year I want to be even more fearless, I want to be smarter with my time and build on things that really matter, kick the other shit to the curb. It’s time to become a semi adult making creatively responsible decisions and I say semi adult because let’s get real I still play dress up at least once a week and I smoke pot in order to clean my house…the whole adult thing is still pending.

Well Ill leave you with this quote my mentor said to me about a year ago…

Do the things you always dreamed you could do because everything in this life started as just a dream.

Happy Friday Lovelies

– Casey Jane

Tunes

The Damnwells – I will keep the bad things from you
Andrew Bird – Three White Horses
Foals – Stepson
Tim Noyes – Saturday
Wake Owl – Wild Country

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Degentlemen & Honey Bears

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What’s going on in life is a tango between work and attempting to not internally explode with questions that every female suffers from at least once a week…

“What the fuck am I doing?”

I feel like I have two heads sometimes that are completely different…wait is that just onset of psychosis or is this another woman thing that I’m becoming aware of? I’m constantly over thinking make believe things and playing out beneficial almost impossible scenarios in my head. I sometimes think my brain operates in a different language and the bain of my existence lately is trying to translate its monologues and dialogues. I also believe everyone that I attract around me are in similar mind fucks, it’s like we all have this other realm we are existing in outside of our daily encounters but we don’t know how to sync them together…because isn’t that the goal? Isn’t this whole life business a dream we constantly try and make real? Every year trying to collect little dreams that stay with us until we wake up in it feeling like we won the prize of a life lived with purpose.
I’ve been burning the candle at both ends lately and had the wax evaporate Saturday night with an abdominal nightmare that felt like rabid wombats were throwing a party inside me. This is a result of over working and over emotionalizing throughout the week. I had my giant look book shoot for Handsome&Lace last week that had my entire heart and souls attention. I’ve never done such satisfying and amazing work like I did during this shoot, we had such an amazing team including Jane & Jane Photography, Amanda Blair Robson on make up and hair, and all our models who happened to be gentlemen Keira and I personally know. Our fellas were genuine, funny and up for trying anything, they really brought everything Keira and I wanted to the table including their wardrobe, I was very impressed with the clothes I got to style. For the past month Keira and I have been trying to figure out a new name for the dreaded tag of Hipster, funny enough that whole culture kinda speaks to the both of us as artists, designers and entrepreneurs and I think our generation is more connected in our personalities then we think. We looked up derivatives of the word gentlemen but nothing connected the word to our actual life styles and then the shoot happened. We were all hanging out chatting about this topic and one of our guys Scott started talking about men in our generation and how they do have the qualities of a classic gentlemen but most of them don’t have the wallet and expense card. They have the humble hearts but have a hard time balancing that with career ambitions and just living their lives the way they want. I looked over at Keira and she was laughing saying “like degenerate gentlemen” and I as I do I mashed the words in my head and just as I did Keira followed with “Degentlemen” and that was that, we found our word. You may think degenerate as a negative but honestly as far as society goes we are kinda the anti Christ, both guys and gals in their twenties right now want something different. We want to work for ourselves, we want to do what we want, and we want to enjoy our lives with people that mean a lot to us. However we hold on to the values and sense our parents taught us, opening the doors for people, saying thank you, and supporting the things we believe in, that’s the gentlemen part and I see it every one of my closest guy friends and even guys I’m attracted to, they all have this natural humbleness. Needless to say it was a really rewarding day and I’m so grateful for the talented people I constantly get to be around, I feel spoiled everyday and it keeps my heart believing I’m going in the right direction and meeting the people that I’m supposed to meet, it’s magic.
Life in the apartment has been filled with non stop female banter and dress up, now that it’s unacceptable to wear anything but a coat with enough dead geese in it to fill a Hudson’s bay change room. We all just hangout in our living room and stage photo shoots. That’s normal mid twenties behaviour right? The photos above are from throughout last week when one or more of our girlfriends popped by for some good old lady chats while dressing up like princesses and flapper girls…again totally normal behaviour. It’s funny listening to the conversations we have and realizing that some problems, fears, feelings are universal yet we get so wrapped up into thinking no one understands what it’s like. We personalize them according to who it concerns, who’s currently making us crazy, who’s currently being missed, who’s currently making us weak in the knees, and who’s currently on the avoid at all costs list. Now that we are older I can see all of us listening to each other a little more. I mean we are all stubborn in our own way but we really trust each others opinions and I feel like reaching out to them helps get ourselves out of our own way. I think we are all learning to be nicer to ourselves from seeing and hearing from everyone of us about all the dramatic shit we put ourselves through. The over thinking, the guilt trips, the lying and hiding of our real feelings, the second guessing and the fear of rejection. We are all guilty of making decisions based on what other people might think and at some point you have to just fuck it and do whats actually good for yourself. Go get what you want which is easier said than done I know because I’m faced with this a lot lately. However Ive learned and maybe not quite fully practiced that the right people that matter will always stay and the ones that were never meant to wont.
When you have years behind you with someone it’s a really great bond, you are their outside perspective based on how well they know you and how much they care. Kate and I have gotten even closer since we’ve moved in together, we even share a birth control prescription…ok that’s mainly because we are both broke and it’s cheaper to buy a 3 pack. Another great thing is now that we live together it’s brought our other long term girlfriends closer as our apartment seems to be the ladies headquarters. I’m not surprised as we have a full costume trunk and cheap wine. I love how my apartment is the place to let yourself go and have fun, play like a kid again. I can’t wait until one day my kids find these photos and are not surprised because they walked in on their dear mum and all their aunts dressed up like flapper girls the night before. My husband is going to be something kinda wonderful to sign up for a life long tradition like that, however I’m sure he’ll have his own fucked up male traditions of his own.
That whole chapter of my life seems to be running its own path, I’m just letting whatever happens happens at this point. As far as I know the right person has always just appeared clearly and I don’t think I have the right prescription of glasses to see them yet. I’m so wrapped up in myself the guy would literally have to set off fireworks for me to clue in, all I can think about is my work and how I want my life to be. This is hilarious because when I’m sewing or doing any of the many things I do I’m always day dreaming about “the guy” that I’ve made up in my head, sometimes not made up. I just think I’m far too passionate and committed to my work to really connect with anyone, unless I met someone with the same level to their own work. It’s a sexy thing when your drive matches that of the person sitting across from you, it adds this balanced confidence that takes the need to impress each other out of the equation.
But yea…we’ll leave it at that for now, ill just continue to sit in this cafe while making weird writing faces until the large amounts of caffeine kick in and ill need to walk it off so I don’t freak Kate out when I get home…she might think I’m on PCP.

Also if anyone is in the Roncevalles area Wednesday night Ill be helping Rachelle of Hawkeyes with their holiday shopping block party. It’s a night of shopping and drinking so come by to 103 Roncy and hangout with me 🙂 You can find all the information here on Hawkeyes website

Here’s some tunes for ya

The Family Crest – Marry Me
Father John Misty – Honey Bear
JBM – Cleo’s Song
Billie Holiday – All of Me