I’m back from yet another hiatus not only because I don’t think it would have been a very positive post but also the fact that I have been going through a post post break up break down. That’s not easy to write about because then you can’t hide behind anything, it’s there for people to read and make their own comments and opinions about what my reasons were writing it in the first place. As most of you know that read my blog I’m not much of the caring type. This shit really happens to people and I for one don’t believe this is a cry for help, I’m not looking for emails, texts, and sympathy I just write from experience so…
I promise this will be amusing and incredibly humbling for most of you, maybe even a sigh of relief that your mother was indeed wrong about you needing to go to a retreat in Tampa.
It’s been almost a year since my perceived world fell apart from all angles, I did the best I could accepting the fact that I had indeed been broken up with and my soon to be husband was not actually going to be that title. By the end of the decision it was mutual and I felt like someone had just flicked on the lights that I had been dimming for sometime. It’s a hard thing to come to terms with and it’s even harder not to want to run the fucker over with my zip car, but that’s not me and I’m not one to get in people’s way of what might make them happier. I think for a long time I blamed myself for everything, why didn’t I do this and maybe I loved too much all that bullshit a hurt ego and a shot confidence will feed your brain. The fact is that it was both our faults for sheltering each other from our insecurities because deep down we truly wanted to be happy together we just never took the time to love ourselves and figure out what we really wanted. That’s when you wake up in the middle of the night and realize the person next you isn’t ready for this and neither are you, you start to see everything you build as an anchor. I feel like that’s maybe what he went through, I think he went through everything before I really became fully aware that we on our way out. I was so absolutely blind in love and gave everything away that when it came to face the music I literally hadn’t given myself a chance to understand how dependant I had been. It wasn’t balanced and I was like a drunk tight rope walker trying to do a back flip…it just doesn’t work.
We were caring, sympathetic, gentle and kind to each other through the whole move out of our apartment, split all our stuff, and go our separate ways dance. After a couple months where I had landed on my mums couch I did what any heartbroken 26 year old woman would do, I got fucking wasted. I would go out every night, I’d meet wild people and do wild things feeling like I was living my life the way I was supposed to. I got a styling gig and had positioned myself (so I thought) for rock star status over the next few months and I was working hard both professionally and socially. I started dating which was like a blind guy trying to solve a rubix cube and completely blew up in my face twice over, clearly I started to see the scars from heartbreak seep in. I got guarded and restless with every casual fling, I couldn’t get out their door fast enough and I thought this was a good thing. I had this idea that being independent meant being a brick wall with a pretty bow on it, and then I started wondering why I felt empty all the time no matter how much fun I was having. Well every good show must come to an end and that’s exactly what happened last week. I decided to cool it on going out, kick drinking for awhile and focus on my amazing new job that literally gives me goosebumps everyday.
I felt good at first, like my head was clear for the first time in awhile and I felt this huge shift in the way I was inside. I thought I had everything figured out and my life was about to get even better…”Fuckin ya right” the universe said and I was smacked with a Friday night break down of all the lovely little emotions I had buried over the past 9 months. You know you have good friends when they’ll follow you zig zagging through Kensington market crying you’re eyes out singing morose J Tillman songs at the top of your lungs. Yup that was this girl, the only thing that could have made that more of a mess is if my ex walked by with a new girlfriend. I might have really lost it or at least would have had a golden rom com screen play, I’d name it “Recovering Emotiholic”.
This was the beginning of a realization that I am NOT fine and it’s ok, I try and be the strongest around my friends and family. I feel like that’s my job and because I’ve always had to have some form of perseverance I don’t let myself break down very much. I thought that because I had done the crazy single life and shaken out all the energy I had that it would just all go away. I figured I had gotten over everything and this life was clearly a lot better then what I left behind. It is, I do believe that but it doesn’t change the fact that I still miss my past and a lot of great aspects of it. I miss companionship, I miss having someone to watch the shit go down with and being a team of sexual awesomeness and emotional power. Again it’s a memory and that’s something to look back on with love, not anger or sadness because it will never come back, ever, that’s why it’s in the past and not in the now. If he had wanted to stay in the now he would have and I would have too, but that’s not the way it happened and there’s a very true reason for it.
It’s been better since I’ve started talking about it and really just giving myself space and time to work it out, you need that. I need to take good care of myself, I’ve come so insanely far in a year. I recently became apart of an amazing company Handsome&Lace that makes me so happy and inspire. I live in a crazy tree house like apartment with my nut bag roommate and I’m still styling and doing everything I want to do. I sometimes wonder if maybe I just don’t have the time or effort to feel fucked up, life’s too short but I guess sometimes that bastard heart needs to weep. Being snot nosed, puffy eyed and in hysterics is not my personal favourite look so you can understand me subconsciously not wanting to let it out. Whatever is happening now is another cause and affect of taking a chance at love, that’s nothing to feel bad about and believe me ill do it again and again until its the right fit. It’s gonna take along time and I will probably eat my fair share of ice cream and grilled cheese alone on my couch, ill take walks alone and look creepily at happy couples, and I will continue to catch eyes with men that will probably never take a chance to ask me my name. These are all real things and ok they sound a little depressing but I’m happy to wait, what the hell is the rush and clearly I wouldn’t know what to do with Mr Right if I fell right into him tomorrow. I get a second chance and I’m not about to question fate or any of that meant to be movie crap that I actually do believe in.
So there is it, a heartbreak in a nut shell and did you like how I paired it with a bunch of photos of drunk single ladies playing dress up? Mid twenties and this is how we spend our weekends getting blasted off incredibly cheap wine and setting up a studio in our living room. These are the reasons I don’t let myself be sad, how the fuck can you be sad in a red and white gymnastics Onsie? HOW I ASK YOU?
That’s enough from me, thanks for reading Lovies
Here’s some sappy loser songs that I happily listen to alone on repeat with a joint and a pack of cigarettes.