Cafe Dialogues and Waffle Fires

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So I lied…I took another week retreat from writing again, I think the last post made me want to dig deeper and figure out where the hell I’m at in my head these days. I don’t think I’ve made much progress other then a clear realization that I’m emotionally unavailable and addicted to drinking coffee and writing about how emotionally unavailable I am…does that sound conceded? I’m just seriously curious to this huge shift in myself, for those that really know me would ask the same thing. I’m usually a heart sleeve wearing, open door swaying, relationship overdosing kinda gal. Nowadays I’m a on the surface, at a distance, relationship dodging loose canon who can’t seem to get her words straight.
However in my work, well I’m on fucking fire, and actually almost literally as I learned my roommate this morning almost burnt down our apartment due to a over toasted ego waffle…she’s seriously going to kill me one of these days. I currently have 4 jobs including my freelancing which right now is collecting dust but it’s fine because with all the bouncing around I’ve been doing I’m kinda thankful for the break. I’m putting together a look book shoot with Handsome&Lace and my two favourite photographers Jane & Jane . I’m so excited about this shoot for many reasons. The main one being I get to help Keira create a press book that will really speak to our customers and show off the vibe we want to give out as a label/business. Not to mention I get to style 6 gentlemen and work with four of my favourite creative people in my life right now. I’m starting to really believe that I’ve found my purpose and that I’m really building an amazing career for myself, I remember when I thought styling was it but now I’m starting to see that was just the tip of the iceberg.
I’m starting to see what exactly I want for the next couple years as far as my own path goes. Im drawing pictures constantly in my head of my day to day life. Day dreaming I think is the main thing that keeps me moving forward, knowing that I’ve started to make my dreams come true already. It sounds really dorky, like almost goon worthy I know but I’m telling you if you think hard enough about something you truly want, you take the time to dream about it, write about it, do things that reference it, it’ll happen one way or another. It’s one of the reasons I don’t give up and why I take so many risks in figuring my life out and it’s certainly is the reason I am where I am right now. I’m young and I don’t see the point in playing safe at this stage, I think in your late twenties you should fuck up and be fearless because you realistically can. There is no excuse why anyone in their twenties can’t live the way they want and pursue anything they want, we have the energy, the social circles and the potential. I’m not talking about money, money doesn’t matter at all, obviously pay your bills and get by but I see too many of us chasing this unrealistic lifestyle of fancy this and glorified that. I’d much rather be poor now and work towards what I want to do than make good money now at something ill probably hate in a couple years. Besides you can be poor and not look it, I still dress nice, smoke my more expensive brand of smokes, have the occasional (less nowadays) night out and pay my rent. I have amazing friends, a wonderful creative circle and the random date everyone now and then…ya know to hold off the urge of getting 2 cats and to start a knitting club.
Those lonelies comes and go still, it’s a natural feeling when you see couples out shopping and being all gross and adorable. I have a new thing I do where I sit in cafes and make fake stories for couples who are sitting together. Sometimes I do it for single people too, mainly for attractive aloof men that are more interested in their copy of Palahniuk’s new book then whatever the fuck I’m up to. I recently saw a couple sitting together where one was reading a play and the other was doing the crossword…I didn’t know whether to instagram their perfect hipster love or hope the ceiling would cave in on their ironic happiness. I do enjoy seeing people happy together, I’m not a creeper that stocks happy couples for my own humility and commentary, it hasn’t gotten that bad yet. Deep down I know I like being alone, I know I have a long road of figuring myself out and I’m glad I’m taking the time to do it, rather then getting into a relationship for all the wrong reasons. I have no reason to get into a relationship, other then being lonely sometimes and that’s a wrong reason to search for the magic one. That’s like deciding to eat ice cream with a dairy intolerance, you missed it but your ass and insides certainly didn’t.
Besides all that I have a great relationship that I’m in with my roommate, I don’t where my stuff starts and her stuff begins. I find myself wanting to stay in and hangout with her more so than I want to go out and meet people. She makes me dinner, we always go out as a pair and to be honest she’s the only one I want to have a date night with, well other then the other 4 nut bar women I call my best friends. We have fart attacks, heart attacks and laugh attacks on the daily, I’ve seriously never laughed so hard in my life over someone attempting to order take out after having one to many silly sticks. I tuck her in to bed when she’s drank too much and she gives me drinks when I’ve cried too much. I think having that kind of dynamic with someone can really help you figure out what’s important to you and what you won’t give up on, friendship doesn’t just come and go like most relationships do. Having someone to go through things with that truly gets it is priceless, fuck MasterCard cause having a best girlfriend trumps any cute commercial with a baby playing in a box.

I think that’s all from me today, I’m off to sew some more opportunities and get my apartment clean for my parents inevitable invasion tonight. It’ll be lots of cheap wine, pasta and playing find and hide the paraphernalia we have scattered around the house…I always forget we have leopard fuzzy handcuffs hanging in our bathroom.

Here’s some Tunes for ya

Dustin Tebbutt – The Breach
Radical Face – The Mute
Rhodes – Run
Hey Marseilles – Bright Star Burning
Boy and Bear – Old Town Blues

Photos above in Order:
My best friend Branko who has been staying at my place for the past couple weeks played Lees Palace on Friday with Brendan Canning of Broken Social Scene, you can check there new music video out here
My friend Meghan turning herself into captain twister, conquering of awkward parties and defender of overtly sexual games
Again…Meghan and Sarah got into my closet and had a floor jam session equipped with fruit ukulele and feather boa
And lastly me in a change room…I’m going to a wedding over the weekend and because I never get to dress up I decided to go a little fancy pants with a lace cocktail dress.

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Recovering Emotiholic

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I’m back from yet another hiatus not only because I don’t think it would have been a very positive post but also the fact that I have been going through a post post break up break down. That’s not easy to write about because then you can’t hide behind anything, it’s there for people to read and make their own comments and opinions about what my reasons were writing it in the first place. As most of you know that read my blog I’m not much of the caring type. This shit really happens to people and I for one don’t believe this is a cry for help, I’m not looking for emails, texts, and sympathy I just write from experience so…
I promise this will be amusing and incredibly humbling for most of you, maybe even a sigh of relief that your mother was indeed wrong about you needing to go to a retreat in Tampa.
It’s been almost a year since my perceived world fell apart from all angles, I did the best I could accepting the fact that I had indeed been broken up with and my soon to be husband was not actually going to be that title. By the end of the decision it was mutual and I felt like someone had just flicked on the lights that I had been dimming for sometime. It’s a hard thing to come to terms with and it’s even harder not to want to run the fucker over with my zip car, but that’s not me and I’m not one to get in people’s way of what might make them happier. I think for a long time I blamed myself for everything, why didn’t I do this and maybe I loved too much all that bullshit a hurt ego and a shot confidence will feed your brain. The fact is that it was both our faults for sheltering each other from our insecurities because deep down we truly wanted to be happy together we just never took the time to love ourselves and figure out what we really wanted. That’s when you wake up in the middle of the night and realize the person next you isn’t ready for this and neither are you, you start to see everything you build as an anchor. I feel like that’s maybe what he went through, I think he went through everything before I really became fully aware that we on our way out. I was so absolutely blind in love and gave everything away that when it came to face the music I literally hadn’t given myself a chance to understand how dependant I had been. It wasn’t balanced and I was like a drunk tight rope walker trying to do a back flip…it just doesn’t work.
We were caring, sympathetic, gentle and kind to each other through the whole move out of our apartment, split all our stuff, and go our separate ways dance. After a couple months where I had landed on my mums couch I did what any heartbroken 26 year old woman would do, I got fucking wasted. I would go out every night, I’d meet wild people and do wild things feeling like I was living my life the way I was supposed to. I got a styling gig and had positioned myself (so I thought) for rock star status over the next few months and I was working hard both professionally and socially. I started dating which was like a blind guy trying to solve a rubix cube and completely blew up in my face twice over, clearly I started to see the scars from heartbreak seep in. I got guarded and restless with every casual fling, I couldn’t get out their door fast enough and I thought this was a good thing. I had this idea that being independent meant being a brick wall with a pretty bow on it, and then I started wondering why I felt empty all the time no matter how much fun I was having. Well every good show must come to an end and that’s exactly what happened last week. I decided to cool it on going out, kick drinking for awhile and focus on my amazing new job that literally gives me goosebumps everyday.
I felt good at first, like my head was clear for the first time in awhile and I felt this huge shift in the way I was inside. I thought I had everything figured out and my life was about to get even better…”Fuckin ya right” the universe said and I was smacked with a Friday night break down of all the lovely little emotions I had buried over the past 9 months. You know you have good friends when they’ll follow you zig zagging through Kensington market crying you’re eyes out singing morose J Tillman songs at the top of your lungs. Yup that was this girl, the only thing that could have made that more of a mess is if my ex walked by with a new girlfriend. I might have really lost it or at least would have had a golden rom com screen play, I’d name it “Recovering Emotiholic”.
This was the beginning of a realization that I am NOT fine and it’s ok, I try and be the strongest around my friends and family. I feel like that’s my job and because I’ve always had to have some form of perseverance I don’t let myself break down very much. I thought that because I had done the crazy single life and shaken out all the energy I had that it would just all go away. I figured I had gotten over everything and this life was clearly a lot better then what I left behind. It is, I do believe that but it doesn’t change the fact that I still miss my past and a lot of great aspects of it. I miss companionship, I miss having someone to watch the shit go down with and being a team of sexual awesomeness and emotional power. Again it’s a memory and that’s something to look back on with love, not anger or sadness because it will never come back, ever, that’s why it’s in the past and not in the now. If he had wanted to stay in the now he would have and I would have too, but that’s not the way it happened and there’s a very true reason for it.
It’s been better since I’ve started talking about it and really just giving myself space and time to work it out, you need that. I need to take good care of myself, I’ve come so insanely far in a year. I recently became apart of an amazing company Handsome&Lace that makes me so happy and inspire. I live in a crazy tree house like apartment with my nut bag roommate and I’m still styling and doing everything I want to do. I sometimes wonder if maybe I just don’t have the time or effort to feel fucked up, life’s too short but I guess sometimes that bastard heart needs to weep. Being snot nosed, puffy eyed and in hysterics is not my personal favourite look so you can understand me subconsciously not wanting to let it out. Whatever is happening now is another cause and affect of taking a chance at love, that’s nothing to feel bad about and believe me ill do it again and again until its the right fit. It’s gonna take along time and I will probably eat my fair share of ice cream and grilled cheese alone on my couch, ill take walks alone and look creepily at happy couples, and I will continue to catch eyes with men that will probably never take a chance to ask me my name. These are all real things and ok they sound a little depressing but I’m happy to wait, what the hell is the rush and clearly I wouldn’t know what to do with Mr Right if I fell right into him tomorrow. I get a second chance and I’m not about to question fate or any of that meant to be movie crap that I actually do believe in.
So there is it, a heartbreak in a nut shell and did you like how I paired it with a bunch of photos of drunk single ladies playing dress up? Mid twenties and this is how we spend our weekends getting blasted off incredibly cheap wine and setting up a studio in our living room. These are the reasons I don’t let myself be sad, how the fuck can you be sad in a red and white gymnastics Onsie? HOW I ASK YOU?

That’s enough from me, thanks for reading Lovies

-Casey Jane

Here’s some sappy loser songs that I happily listen to alone on repeat with a joint and a pack of cigarettes.

J. Tillman – Make me a pallet on your floor
Father John Misty – Honey Bear
Melody Gardot – One Day
The Head and The Heart – Another Story
J Tillman – Above all Men