I’m an Honest Joke

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This week, not only have I dressed myself properly, taken the “normal” amount of showers and combed my hair more then once. I have also been hustling my little ass off to create work for myself. I am on a mission to create 21 hours of stable work per week for myself or secure a weekly styling gig, easier said than done as I am learning. It’s exciting, panic attack inducing and overwhelming, kinda like doing a shot of something that the bartender lit on fire. Being able to make money at what I love has been tough as I’ve said many times but like I hear from every creative professional you just keep busy and keep creating work, eventually it will turn into money.
On a lighter note Kmo and I are becoming full on winos with an artistic purpose that will probably keep us single until either A) we get famous or B) Pinterest comes up with a way to meet the hot rugged model guys we pin on our “men Cashmo wants to date” board. I’m almost 100% positive we are both going to die in this apartment in a pile of empty cigarette packs, magnum bottles, costumes and men’s underwear, oddly I’m ok with this. On the upside, we are not only creating the funniest work we’ve ever done and we are also the happiest I’ve seen us in a long time. Being in a comedy duo has not only saved my sanity, its simultaneously made me bat shit crazy about being and living as hilariously as I can. I can’t tell you how great it is to come home and find a note from Kate with a picture of a dick drawn saying I love you. I love coming home to a living room covered in note paper with ridiculous song lyrics scribbled all over them. I can’t get enough of spending late nights belting out alternate words to songs like “Kiss Me” and sitting on our stoop smoking while watching the local nut bars harass tourists. This is life and I really like the way we are living it. We both go off and create work for ourselves. We struggle and stress but at the end of the day it’s all worth it. Everyday is like walking onto a sitcom…well without the dead people laugh track; that would just be terrifying and a hint that we are indeed loosing are marbles. I’ll never give up comedy and trying to make people laugh at my deranged view of the world. I won’t give up trying to make beauty for the world I see. Two very different paths but I know I’ll always fight the good crazy fight to keep them both in my life.
I have a tame side that indulges in slow sappy folk songs, a vintage tea cup collection and a fascination with writing in public places. I always take the longer route home so that I can listen to my full playlist on my iPod and I catch eyes with attractive men passing by wondering if I had the guts to stop them they would be happy about it or generally weirded out. I’m a hopeless romantic stuck in an independent worm-hole that keeps me from remotely smelling like I want to be swooned. Maybe my commitment heart attacks will stop once I meet this gentlemen…poor bastard has no idea what he’s getting himself into, then again neither will I and that’s the beauty of it all. You can’t force chemistry and you can’t really force meeting someone, they usually come at the right time and it’s easy and natural. I don’t wait around for it but it I do wonder about it, strange to think that “the one” is walking around this planet until one day when you end up at the right spot at the right time, together in goo goo eyed wonder…
I always pictured myself meeting “the one” in some embarrassing moment like pouring coffee on myself, walking into his car door or being caught doing something really weird…as I do a lot. But quite honestly I don’t think my fool in love moment is coming for sometime and I’m aware that’s completely out of my control however I like to tell myself I have some ability in directing my life.
What is a gal to do but pour a glass of wine and carry on the dance we all do in our twenties, the dance of “do I want that”? It’s an ever current reality that I see all of us go through and it’s quite hilarious seeing some of us that have no awareness about it whatsoever or we do and just choose to ignore the nagging idea of doing something else, someone else, anything else than our current state. I’ve done this and continue to waltz right into the haze of a questionable decision and yet done it anyway for some level of comfort, familiarity or stupidity…I’m almost positive it’s usually the latter.
Can I just turn your attention to the photos above, we turned our living room into a studio and played dress up last night. During this time I had a brief dilemma about the effect these would have on my dating life, if it’s really much to begin with.

Casey: How am I supposed to find a man if I keep posting these fucking ridiculous pictures of myself?
Kate: Maybe they will attract the right one
Casey: Kate…no man would walk into that death trap that isn’t already insane
Kate: Yea…but what if he looks like the guys from our Pinterest board
Casey: …You’ve changed my mind
Kate: That’s the spirit!

Well that’s enough from little ol me my loves, it’s the weekend so I do hope you’re all planning to dance, laugh and maybe just maybe chicken dance with the gal or guy of your dreams.

Xoxo

– Casey Jane

Friday Tunes!
P.S if you haven’t heard of J. Tillman a.k.a Father John Misty then I suggest you look up everything he’s done, I’m kinda in love with him, for real, I want to marry him and live in an air stream, have him sing to me drunk on whiskey, cook me hamburger helper while smoking…sorry I got away from myself, carry on.

J. Tillman – Take Care
The Head and the Heart – Another story
Pacific Air – Float
J Tillman – If you gotta go, go now
The 1975 – Heart Out

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When Shit Hits the Fan, Grab an Umbrella

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So this month has been hard, really really hard. I’m feeling the struggle of making it on my own as a freelance wardrobe assistant. There have been more days lately that I’ve almost thrown in the towel and given up. It is like nothing I’ve ever gone through and to be honest I’ve had some pretty hard hills to climb in my little life.
It’s constantly trial and error, learning and fucking up over and over again. Its taken its toll on me emotionally, I have my doubts about whether or not I can actually make this work. Then again I’m doing good work, I know that this is the path so many artists have travelled on and very few get to say they made it. I want in every bone in my body to make it and that’s why I’m not giving up.
If one way doesn’t work then you go another way until it does. In the big picture things are not that bad, I have roof over my head until my landlord breaks my knee caps for being late again. I have a cucumber and thanksgiving leftovers in the fridge, I have my health, my friends and family, and I’m still doing the work I love regardless of it not being enough right now.
Last night during a ritual box o wine ladies night I realized that a lot of us are going through the same shit storm. I tend to self sabotage on a weekly basis, when things are great I feel like setting fire to something. We get so used to the struggle that we forget that we create it for ourselves. In our jobs, our relationships and how we treat ourselves are all creations of our thinking. For example we got on the subject of men last night as you do with a bunch of nut bar single ladies on cheap wine. My girlfriend started seeing a new man and it’s going great, too great to the point where she’s waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under her fry boots. I wheeled on her saying that’s the problem, she’s not giving herself enough credit. Isn’t the goal in life to be happy? To find someone who actually matches all your needs? I do the same thing and I’m sure many ladies do. We sift through the shit for so long we begin wondering why we can’t smell it anymore. It’s growing up, revamping the values and tolerances that were so different from when we were younger. We carry that baggage to every new encounter and don’t even realize the weight is killing us.
So what did I learn other then not to get up too fast after a smoke and break my ass on pavement last night? To be aware of the good things, embrace them and let go of the fear that your not worth it. You are and always have been and if your not happy you can always change, always walk away, and always start over.
I’m glad to be writing again and this blog post was a work in progress. I didn’t want to come back and rant about how life sucks and it’s hard because its not…I just thought it was and created it all by myself in my crazy head.
Next time you feel like the world is crashing down around you take a step back and really be aware of your thoughts. What you think is what you are, Buddha knew what he was talking about. I bet he didn’t count on being quoted by a basket case white girl though.

Thanks for reading my loves

Xoxo

-Casey Jane

Winos & Wanderers

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I wish I had a constant camera on me so at the end of every week I could sit down with a cheap Shiraz and watch myself create my life and live it. In a way that’s what this blog is, when I’m in my forties ill get to read over this and realize how insanely determined I was to live the life I wanted. It’s not easy, I know I talk about that a lot but I can’t stress enough the hard reality of becoming what you want to be. It’s lonely a lot of the time, I’m always working with new people which is amazing but I don’t have an office, I don’t have the same people I see everyday and I’m completely in my own head most of the time.
At the same time I love surrounding myself with people, mainly my friends because they are the ones that know me, they care about me and I want to spoil them all constantly! I daydream about being successful and being able to treat my friends, help them make their dreams, and creating even crazier adventures…not that we don’t all have those. This summer alone has been filled with photo shoots, pool hopping, scaling buildings to drink on roof tops, beach days, late night bike rides, and dancing with Kate to 90’s music alone in our apartment.
That part of my life is solid, my career is moving along at its own perfect pace whether I like it or not, and my personal life…well I’ve got some bugs to work out still. I feel like I’m constantly putting myself behind glass with men, I’ve changed a lot in the last year and it freaks me out knowing where my head is at these days. Commitment scares the shit out of me, the idea of creating anything other then art just gets my stomach in knots and I could be a little jaded…just a little. Now I’m not trying to say I’m a raging she hulk and every man should watch his step, I love the company of men and Im actually quite fond of the ones I’ve met. For me, right now I’m starting to see that it’s ok to have fun and want what you want. I’m being honest with myself and sometimes that comes at a price, I’m sure I’ve made a couple guys run away in the last little while but I know it was for the best…at least I think so. I could be completely wrong on this whole topic, I wouldn’t say I’m a scholar at being single, I’m more like a drunk freshman. Just an affectionate ball of goof, that’s typically what I am most of the time but on the days I pull back I’m a quiet little thinker. What I really like is being myself and watch which people stick around and which slip away, it’s a great thing because you end up landing in the company of really incredible people. I think that’s what I like best about being single, being fancy free little ol me and whoever wants to partake in it has to believe in who I am.
In my quest for my career I’m learning a lot about patience and knowing my place in it all. Assisting has taught me so many valuable things about the industry and becoming a professional wardrobe stylist. I learn so much from my Stylists and I’m forever grateful for their honesty and guidance, not to mention allowing me to make a living off what I love to do. I’ve learned to harness my focus in a sometimes chaotic environment, there is a lot of attention that’s needed to do a good job as an assistant. At the end of a shoot where I know I’ve done well I practically collapse once I get home into a giggling ball of insanity. It really takes a lot out of me but only when I’ve put my all into it and in the last month I’ve learned to focus and stay in the moment on shoots. Work is picking back up again and my bank account is pawning for the refill, it’s a struggle sometimes but I try not to let it get to me. I’m a very lucky lady and yea I sometimes eat toast for three days straight, I wash my underwear in my kitchen sink, and I use cinnamon as blush when I run out of makeup. But it’s all worth it, I have a beautiful apartment in the best neighbourhood, I’m living with my best friend and comedy partner and I’m learning how to become a wardrobe stylist! Ya, no complaints here.
The photos above are from I shoot I did with the lovely Jane & Jane and Erin Heather. Our beautiful Model Jocelyn had so much energy and really brought out the personality of the clothing. I pulled from designers Laura Siegel and Emily Woudenberg both who I admire a lot. When I was just starting out Laura and I had a phone conversation where she gave me some pretty amazing advice when I needed it the most. This shoot meant a lot to me because I never would have imagined being able to style with her clothing and yet just 8 months later here we are. It just goes to show how far you can go if you dream big, I had this quiet little thought in my head when I first spoke to Laura just wishing one day I could collaborate with her.
And then it happened.

I’m off to Bellwoods to meet Kate, keep dreaming k?

– Casey Jane