It’s Fall Romance and Im Eating Pad Thai in Bed

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Fall is here, it’s getting colder and my new duvet is getting harder and harder to leave every morning. The pumpkin spice lattes are filling in every woman’s efforts of the Victoria Secret body from the summer, couples are making me want to vomit and I’m finding myself wondering what the fuck happened to my soft side.
I’d probably feel better about it if I had the bank account to back me up, instead of a recycling bin full of take out boxes and magnum Sola and Nero wine bottles. You’d think I was trying to drown out something but honestly for the first time in ten years I’m quite content with my overtly single mindset. I used to rack my brain around how to be the perfect girl for a man, it was all about them, their lives, their hobbies and their dreams. I wanted to dress for them, laugh for them, bat my newt eyes in the perfect way and all it left me with was an insane insecurity problem and a box of tissues next to a text message battle that left me feeling like a loser.
Now I spend my weeks chasing my dreams while looking like a bag lady running across queen west with my suit cases in ten dollar pants and value village heels. Day after day my bullshit meter becomes more heightened and I’m starting to have a very low tolerance for people I don’t like and an even lower tolerance for people that don’t like me. I don’t need to impress people, I don’t need to chase people and I certainly don’t need to put up with it. I think we all spend a lot of time trying to impress people that realistically are not our types and I’m not talking about just men, I’m talking about the whole human race of assholes and bitches. There is absolutely no point in trying to be something you’re not and there’s no point in trying to hide who you are. It’s a ticking time bomb, it’s like trying to mask the fact you took a huge dump with perfume and a curtesy flush…you’re shits still gonna stink.
On weekends I indulge myself in the glorious company of my closest girlfriends, dance until 2 am with my guy friends and end the nights entertaining the idea of either calling someone or eating a sandwich…lately the sandwich is winning. I’ve given up the chase of a relationship, it’s not something my brain can hold down long enough, but maybe it’s just the fact that I could care less. If a man wants to spend time with me than I’d rather act like my clumsy, idiotic, and loud self. If they like me great, if not than great because at least I’m not having a battle in my head of why he won’t call and why I said I liked organized sports.
I’m working on my career, I’m writing like a mad woman and I’m trying to figure out how to get myself out of 3 dollar heels and into some Jimmy Choo’s that are not made in china town. I’m working on my big break and the scary part is that I have no idea where it’s going to come from and what form it’ll be in. The one thing I keep telling my over reactive brain is to just keep doing what I love, do it well and be confident that it’s ok to have a weekly addiction to late night Pad Thai binges. There’s nothing sexier then a woman who has a themed day called fat fuck Sunday and does what she wants…right?
The photos above are of my recent shoot with Jane & Jane Photography and I am obviously to the moon about them. I used two designers jewelry pieces for this shoot, the talented Seema Patel and Sonia Kang both whom I strongly suggest you check out. Also my lovely Erin Heather was holdin down the make up and hair, I mean ladies is this not the hottest “caught in the rain hair” you’ve ever seen? I look like a drowned rat on stilts…
Well my lovelies I’m off to dabble in the sunshine of Queen west and Kensington Market and no I’m not going to buy knock off Jimmy’s…ill patiently wait for the real deal, life’s just better when you let it unfold the way it’s supposed to.

Happy Monday

-Casey Jane

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Handsome & Lace

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Another week and my heads spinning with ideas, thoughts and feelings. You know that feeling when you listen to a new band and it automatically brings out the exact tempo of your current situation? That’s been this week and last for me, a constant soundtrack that plays out with the beat of my feet on queen wests pavement.
Kmo and I are incredibly smitten in our new home, a dream that’s been waiting to unfold for ten years and I don’t think either one of us has realized the ladder we’re climbing. Comedy songs are literally flying out our asses, we’re writing a book, we have a new member of our band John La Mangna who’s been incredible, and honestly I’m having the time of my life. The other night as I was reenacting a scene from dirty dancing I thought maybe I’m having too much fun. Is life supposed to be this fun? Can it be this simple? Why do I question life when it gets good, maybe cause I always feel like the rug is going to be pulled out from under me.
Work has been a little odd, things are happening at their own perfect pace and it’s freaking me out. I’m actually doing everything I want to and it’s fucking terrifying because I want to do more, I want to do much more and I know I will. The last ten years have been leading up to this, I’ve been patiently keeping my head down and now it’s like I’ve been pushed on stage for everyone to see the play I’ve been meaning to perform.
Can’t stop, won’t stop!
There are a few things I need to settle down with, Im aware of control and I’m aware of the work ethic that this career path takes. I always rise to the occasion and so until that chance comes ill be waiting patiently creating mood boards in my room, writing, dancing, laughing, hanging out with great friends and being thankful I get to be a creative person. I just want to always make sure my friends and family know how much I adore them, they really have made this journey easier, not to mention the epic amount of support I get. I always want to be a positive person in people’s lives, I never want to take anything from them, I never want to make things difficult for anyone and I constantly want to show my love and affection for those who have stayed with me and those who are new additions. It’s a new thing for me to be able to do this, I was always a very affectionate person but not like this, now I’m open to giving and receiving and I think we all need that.
Speaking of amazing people I start a new assistant sewing job this week for a Toronto based designer Keira Morgan and her label Handsome&Lace. Gentlemen if your in the need for some beautiful handmade accessories I strongly suggest taking a look at what this amazing lady can do, I’m to the moon excited to work along side her. We’ve actually met about 6 years ago on a radio show I used to do weekly, funny enough we know a lot of the same people in the comedy world. I know what your thinking, she’s talented and funny? Where do I find these amazing people? Regardless keep it coming universe ill gladly stay open to this new field of people that flow into my life, gladly.

Happy Tuesday My Loves, and thank you for reading this little blog of mine 🙂 you’re really rad, I hope you know that!

Here are some tunes that literally set the mood for my life right now, enjoy!

The 1975 – She Way Out
The 1975 – Settle Down
Boy & Bear – Southern Sun
The Rolling Stones – Miss you
Otis Redding – These arms of mine
The 1975 – Chocolate

Getting off the guilt train

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I’ve been stressing hard about my career lately, it’s not a bad thing but when you make your own path it can be REALLY hard to gage whether you’re doing all you can or not. Is it ok to let things unfold and not have a heart attack over your empty email box? I have a habit of thinking being under stress is a sign your working hard…is it? I’m only still an assistant and that’s amazing but sometimes I guilt myself into thinking I’m not good enough, especially when I screw up on something that now seems so obvious. But that’s just it, when you start out on something your not going to be the best, you have this drive to keep humble because you’re going to fail..a lot.
Then you get those times where you amaze yourself, you do an amazing job and everyone is happy and you fall down at home in a half crazed laugh. I’ve had these times happen quite close to each other and my one mistake was I didn’t hold on to the momentum of the accomplishment, lost focus and decided I knew what I was doing..
HA!
Big idiot for the win!
I was promptly put in my place by life, if it was a real life scenario I’d have my head in a toilet being held down by 8th grade behemoth I called wide load. It’s humbling, really really humbling and you know I’m happy it happened and I had the awareness to smarten up. This is an amazing career path filled with amazingly inspiring people who have had the heart to teach me, and yea I’m a rookie and so I should know that.
I’m ready again to hit the ground running, knowing a whole lot more, but all this takes time. In the mean time I’ve been updating my portfolio, setting up creatives, reading, and writing. Kate and I are happy happy in our new apartment, to be honest we’ve been having too much fun.
The last week we’ve been writing new material for an upcoming project for our comedy duo Cashmo, it feels soo good to get back to comedy. We went through all our old note books and found some insanely good stuff…we are going to hell but hey at least we get to make people laugh.
Here are some moments that happened this past week:
On Friday Kate came home from The Drake Hotel after consuming two bottles of red wine at dinner with a friend of hers, she then joined me in a bottle before we were supposed to go dancing. My dear friends DJ a dance night at Supermarket in Kensington and so I watched as Kate tried to put heels on and drink wine at the same time. I laughed and said they wouldn’t let her into the bar if she couldn’t walk, she then b lined it to her bed and yelled “I JUST NEED WATER” and then starfished halfway onto her bed with her feet sticking out. I went out and danced the night away with friends and returned home riding on the back of a boys bike. When I entered our apartment I found dear Kmo in the exact same position I left her in…I checked for breathing and got one heel off before starfishing in my own bed.
Yesterday we went to Bellwood’s park and wrote a new song called “Date Night” which is all about being incredibly awkward on a date but thinking you’re owning it…story of my life. We sipped beers and thought of the worst possible things either we’ve done or are bound to happen. After that we met some friends before heading down to my dads boat for happy hour. I started to feel anxious, guilty that this is how I spend my week. Kmo had a good point though, why not? Why can’t it be this good? Why can’t we put our efforts and talents into what we WANT to do…she’s right. I’m so used to the struggle that it’s strange to me when life is giving me what I need. So after that we walked up Bathurst to our humble neighbourhood and ended the night making epic grilled cheese.

Life’s funny guys, just keep doing what you love to do and make a living out of it. I hear that a lot from successful people, they have failed, they have struggled but they never gave up. They worked hard at whatever they loved to do and didn’t take it for granted, I think that’s success…maybe.

And now I’m off to meet Kmo to create some opportunities and make jokes about poo…

Happy Wednesday Lovelies

Tunes
Lo-Fang – #88
Grouplove – Ways to Go
1975 – She Way Out
Marcus Foster – Love in the Way

The Weaker-than

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If anyone ever tells you that your mid twenties will be a breeze should be slapped in the facecloth a bag of Rama noodles. It’s an incredible time to fail miserably and try and gather all the learning from said failure. The last week has been tough and I’ve had to be humbled by the reality that I’m still learning how to do my job, how to work and live as freelance, and I’m still learning how to, what’s that word?
…budget.
It’s been tough, exciting and relentlessly challenging the last month. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to throw in the towel and go back to waiting tables…which isn’t the worst thing but I can’t and I won’t. I’m someone who is really hard on themselves as far as maturity and what I expect from myself, I rarely give myself a pat on the back because its usually never enough.
I always go to my superiors for advice and the same thing is said to me,
“Case, its about persistence, patience, and passion.”
And that’s about it, you chose what you want to do in life, everyday you make choices that either move you forward or keep you in one spot. I could choose to walk away from this, attempt to get a desk job where I have my own cubical and the anticipation of a beer lunch on Fridays. I have every power to just say no this is silly and a waste of time, I’m not the best so why struggle?
I can’t…there’s a point where no matter how scary and hard the road ahead looks its far greater then the knowledge of giving up.
I read this article the other day that called my generation “The Peter Pan” generation (25-35 year olds) we are a bunch of lost boys and girls. We don’t want to commit to anything, we don’t want to become our parents, we don’t want to buy a house, and we certainly can’t even fathom the thought of children…that word makes my lady bits want to run and hide. It’s true, I see it in my friends, myself, I see it in past relationships and the way our culture is nowadays. We don’t want to give up our youthful freedom to become our over worked parents that are from of generation of high divorce rates and mortgages. We have all the possibilities in the world and we are told that daily, we can create our own jobs from the passions we carry.
Honestly…Never Never Land never looked so inviting.
Now there are a few of us that have joined the ranks. They have smartened up to reality and realized they’d rather do something that makes them money and you know…a future. They get to go to Ibiza once a year, have a nice car and a sweet pad in liberty village. Some of them buckled down in their early twenties and got the job they thought or actually wanted and to you I tip my cap!
I did not do any of the above, I was running around Toronto performing in comedy troupes and drinking away my paycheques thinking I was an artist…I was and still am, however now I’m 26 and I feel like my clocks ticker is getting louder. I bounced around too many times, I didn’t stick with something long enough for it to become anything more then a gig. I supported myself through it all and obviously did not give two shits about future Casey, she seemed lame and unimportant. Now I look back at past Casey and I wish I could hit her in her free spirited face.
I was trying to figure what to write about since I haven’t posted anything in two weeks, I wanted to talk about all the exciting things I’ve done. I wanted to talk about how much fun it is living with my best friend Kmo, how I have an insanely fun social life, and how I’m personally figuring out what it is I want for me right now. I have a group of girl friends that keep me alive (literally) and keep me laughing through all the tough times. I have a group of guy friends that keep my life exciting and fun, not to mention they are all complete sweethearts, I’ve never pool hopped so much in my life!
There are many many things I’m grateful for and sometimes I forget that life is amazing and things will get easier and harder at the same time…that’s life and we’ve just been spoiled with the thought that we can have it all. Maybe we can, maybe that’s why so many of us are struggling because we just want the exact life we painted in our minds. Hopefully 5 years from now I can look back at all this and laugh, call myself a whiney bitch and sit back knowing that it was all worth it.

So if any of you are feeling the pressures of a career that’s not traditional, a rent that is a monthly heart attack, and a life that seems like a constant struggle, be thankful for it. I am everyday and though I give myself mild anxiety and feel like a tragic beat poet I wouldn’t want any other life. Ill get by as does everyone else, ill learn to work harder and smarter, and ill get there eventually because Rome wasn’t built in day and neither is a career.

Persistence, Patience, and Passion.

Happy Wednesday Lost Boys and Girls

Xoxo
– Casey Jane