I’m sitting on my mums bed watching the sun creep back up into the sky, I have a lime green face mask on and I’m trying to take in the last two weeks leading up to my birthday. I always think of my birthday as my New Years, time to shed the old skin of the past. I built a pretty tough skin when I was 25, it was no picnic year, but it was the year of huge change and I came out the other side closer to my dreams and goals than I ever have.
I’ve made mistakes, I’ve made accomplishments, and I’ve learned that I’m not quite whole again and that’s ok. I’ve come along way but let’s be honest nobody finds themselves completely in just a few months, you can’t just Eat, Pray, Love yourself into enlightenment no matter how easy Julia Roberts makes it seem.
I write a lot about what I learn, I also contradict myself with my own advice. Sometimes I go back to old posts and feel sick to my stomach. It’s funny when people tell me how much they like this blog and how “together” I seem, I always get this sheepish look on my face like I just farted in an elevator. I have my days where ya, I’m together…and then I have days where I feel like Courtney Love on a Sunday morning after a weekend in the Hollywood hills.
Maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration…but more recently I’ve started to see that it’s a constant battle between right or wrong, heart or mind, peanut butter or jam, Bowie or Mic, can’t I have both at the same time? Is that balance? Would Buddha choose Bowie?
In a year I’ve started from scratch and built a career out of all the different walks of life I’ve traveled, all the skills I didn’t realize I had, and mustered up a fire for myself I haven’t had in awhile. That’s the funny thing about growing up, you gain new insight but you still row a boat with past luggage that slows you down sometimes.
I could have never predicted my life would be like this at 26, not even last year when I started this blog would I have thought I’d be here. I’m happy, I’m insanely blown away, and I’m humbled by all the things that have happened. I’ve met some amazing people, I’ve met some inspiring people, and I’ve left some in the past. That’s another thing about life, when you let go of people and things it creates a space in yourself, a space that awaits new experiences whether your ready for them or not.
My career, my passion seems to be all I have room for at the moment and that’s ok because it fills me up better than any drink in the city. Running around with shopping bags, being on set, watching a photographer capture my work, it’s all I need. I recently put two commercials under my belt with shaw media I shot a bunch of creatives for my own book, and August is looking like a no sleep month. I want to be busy, I want to learn more, and I want to push myself harder. All I want is to style everyday, make a great living for myself and then once I reach that point I want to go bigger.
I’ve tried to fill space in my heart for someone else but it ended up leaving me more mixed about myself then anything could. I felt like I had an air horn that went off every time I sat down with someone, like I wanted to pull some inner fire alarm just before things got comfortable…I’m a psychiatrists wet dream.
This weekend was a cabaret of dancing, sailing and a lot of late night Chinese food…my stomach hates me today. My friend Kate threw an amazing birthday party for me and my friend Sarah as we are a day apart. I ended the night pool hopping with my best friend and new roommate Branko, we all got down to our birthday suits and swam around Christie pits out door pool until 4am…and that was just Friday.
I’m getting back to life now, as a 26 year old, no big deal…does this me I have to start watching Letterman and return my financial planners phone calls?
Happy Monday Lovelies, thanks for reading this for the past year 😉
P.s the photo below is of my dad Dave Tuninga, he’s a sailor and my hero, my photographer friend Thomas Dagg took this out on Lake Ontario. The photos above are of my dad when he was my age, my new tattoo, sailing outfit with proper knee ventilation, my friends on my boat and me as an over excited toddler.
If you ever, ya know, feel like seeing more photos you can follow me on Instagram @sailorparc and I occasionally tweet the odd thought @fameandshame on twitter.
– Casey Jane