When I was growing up I played make believe…like a lot, it was a daily thing for me to make up stories and pretend I was someone else. As I got older I started to lie, I started to make up stories about my life and I would constantly drive my parents up the wall when I became a teenager. It just seemed easier to lie, I didn’t have to worry about excepting failure, or that I was wrong at all, because I was and am a REALLY good lier. The acting classes only fuelled my twisted belief that living life perpetually lying and over dramatic was exciting and care free. Now I want to pull back because I was honest about a lot of things, I had to grow up really fast and I think it was some form of protection for me.
This year I made it my number one goal to be honest, about everything in my life, I say what I feel and more importantly I’m honest with myself, my thoughts, and feelings. It’s been hard, a lot of people can take it the wrong way and sometimes it can be flat out hurtful. The initial truth telling is always terrifying, your heart starts pounding and you feel like the ground is going to open up and you’ll fall into oblivion. I always felt like I was about to get shot, like a wall would come down and there would be a firing squad ready and willing. That’s kinda fucked up…I don’t know why my brain goes there, but regardless it’s scary!!! but after it’s this release, I think I actually get off on be honest now a days. It’s this freedom feeling, like you just let something out of your heart that’s been strangling it.
Yes there are consequences, it’s not just telling the truth it’s being accountable for your actions and sticking by them. Learn from the truth and if whomever or whatever doesn’t, move on and know that you stood by yourself, you stayed true to what is important in your life. Even if you lie a small amount it adds up, I did that a lot in relationships and it was always (in my mind) to protect the other person, like they wouldn’t except me for who I actually was…which is ridiculous because I’ve been loved very deeply by some amazing men.
I recently had to make some really hard honest choices for myself, it was alienating and I felt like I was doing the absolute wrong thing. Somehow I just couldn’t ignore the burning feeling in my chest that I had to let some things go in my life and had to say exactly what I wanted…it’s an odd feeling going against the self you thought you were.
Things got instantly better, I could breath easy, my life became more simple and I am now living day to day without fear, well not entirely, writing this is making my heart race, I’m still having thoughts race between my ears…so I’m still gettin there.
Sidebar – I really enjoy contradicting myself in writing and then drawing attention to it, I do that in real life too.
It’s lonely sometimes but I know that I’m doing everything in my power to move my life forward, make it beautiful and happy. Everything else will come when it’s meant to come, right now my work makes my heart beat, my friends keep me laughing, and my family cheers me on.
Funny story, the photos above that consist on sidewalk chalk and Meg and Kate dancing around, that was last night after a real talk pow wow. We all needed to blow off steam and so we went for a walk around Meg’s ultra weird condo neighbourhood. I found a bucket of sidewalk chalk and well…we turned into kids again. I played hopscotch for the first time in years, Kate drew the highest looking sun dude I’ve ever seen, and meg drew a pretty blue flower cause she’s adorable like that. Then we walked up a hill that over looked the gardener expressway, there was a giant red canoe that stuck out a bit from where the land dropped off. We sat side by side on the tip of the canoe overlooking our city, a little tipsy, covered in chalk, all in our mid twenties, and a little less scared about life.
Ill be back with more on the shoot I just did with Jane and Jane, they deserve their own post 🙂
Happy Friday Lovelies!