So it’s come to my attention that I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IM DOING! I think it’s better that way, at least then I can’t do anything wrong…that’s how it works right? I don’t mean with my career, actually I have more clarity on that then anything else right now. I’m talking about the day to day happenings of my awkward existence of being single, the hourly replay of me navigating social interactions, and the hours of me trying to crack Facebook, Instagram, and text messages of there meanings…
Realistically it’s all very simple for those who are confident, know what they want, and have no fear of rejection.
I have not met such people but I am told they do exist…in Vegas
I never had problems meeting men, I went to an art school that had every heart throb musician, actor, painter, and writer a love sick teenage girl could ask for. However now almost 26 and without any clue as to who I am and what I want, I find myself like a baked college kid stuck at a Wendy’s drive thru on a Monday night.
Do I want to have drinks? Well yeah. Do I want to have them with you? Well…ugh
It’s this line that makes my legs want to run, it’s makes my heart do weird spastic motions like the time I did waaay too many poppers at a Queens university homecoming. It’s not that “love” tingle it’s that ” I wonder if he knows how utterly lost I am” feeling, kinda the same feeling when you have to poop.
My worries with dating after being in a comfortable relationship for years.
1. What if I fart?
2. Am I drinking my wine too fast? (This is usually always yes)
3. Do I have to shave my legs everyday now?
4. How do we virtually communicate after the physical communication? Or is it the other way around?
5. Is the idea of calling too intense? Do people call each other anymore? Or are we all ok with playing crack the text messaging undertones?
6. If I see you on the street do we hug? Kiss like the French? Or do I run into a nearby alley?
7. What is “hanging out” defined as? Seriously I’m really confused by this one cause my friend Kate asks me to hang out all the time and it’s not the same as other hangouts I’ve encountered.
8. Is being insanely vague a thing now?
9. What’s a condom?
10. Do I say how incredibly nervous I am or do I just smoke a joint in the nearby alley way before going to the restaurant?
11. Is sleeping on a couch considered artistically romantic or economically retarded?
12. When a guy says he’s “figuring himself out” do I run or pour him more wine?
13. Why is it that if you are nice to someone in a conversation they think it means you want to go through #1-10 with them? It’s not…
So these are just some of the many mind fucks I’m going through right now, if your single and can relate to any of these please email me a ten page essay explaining your experience. I think this just might mean that I need to step back and focus on eating sandwiches past midnight while watching Drop Dead Diva on showcase.
I admire all you savvy single people who make this seem like the best club in the whole world to be apart of, you may not always do it with grace but you sure look fulfilled doing the walk of shame at 5am…
I think I may just leave this to the professionals.
If your someone who I might meet in the future, I’m just as confused as you are and I probably held a fart in until my stomach hurt, so your welcome.
Happy Tuesday Lovelies